[m_drangst]

So I met this really shy, kind, sweet, and beautiful girl about 5 months ago. For the first few months we talked and flirted a bit, almost always 1-on-1 (it was hard to get her to engage in conversation) and studied together for the classes we had in common, and I started to really like her.

About two and a half months ago, things suddenly changed, and she started hanging out with me a lot more 1-on-1 and our conversations became much more frequent and much lengthier. She started opening up and telling me a lot of stuff about her: about her past, her family, her dreams, things she really enjoys, and some much more personal and serious issues (many of them involving her family and what she went through with them during her childhood), and I started telling her a lot about myself as well. We could also just talk about any random topic with each, and hold very interesting conversations. Some of our talks could last for 10 hours, as we sat across from each other and looked into each other's eyes, and both of us would feel like no time has passed. We had so much in common, and I could sense a lot of chemistry with her, and I started liking her more and more. I became one of the only people in her life that she talked to, and I think it became obvious that I really liked her.

At one point she also told me about some disturbing things an “ex-friend” (notice she didn't even say ex-boyfriend) did. Eventually she told me that she this “ex-friend” used to be kind of her long-distance boyfriend – and the only guy she ever had any type of relationship with – that she was emotionally involved with, and that he put her in some very dark places in the 1.5 years she was “with” him, as he would constantly cheat on her, break up with her, try to pressure her into doing things, and just emotionally abused her. He apparently didn't even consider that he was in a relationship with her because they never had sex. About 3 months ago he told her that he can never be with her because she doesn't know what she wants, and that he will never contact her again. As an important side note, she once said that her feelings are her most private and valuable thing, and that she can tell them to anyone, and that this causes her pain and she probably needs to see a therapist.

Anyway, this continued for two months, and I fell for her more and more, and I finally decided that I need to know if she likes me. So I told her my feelings for her a week ago in person, as we were sitting across from each other in my room, adding that she probably already knows that I like her, and asked how she felt about me. She looked a little flustered and her voice stuttered as she said “I don't want to talk about it right now.” This took me off guard, and I asked when a good time would be, and she meekly said that her “ex-friend”, who put her through so much and caused her so much pain, contacted her a few days ago, and that things were kind-of back to how they used to be. She also said she didn't know I liked her; that one of her friends said that it was obvious I like her, and that at first she could also see it, but that in the past little while she thought that I just liked her as a friend. I told her that that didn't answer my question, and I asked her again what she felt about me, to which she again started stuttering and again said she can't tell me her true feelings. I told that it's okay if she only likes me as a friend, but I want to know so I can get some closure and know how proceed from here. At this point she could have just told me a white lie to give me some closure if she didn't want to share her true feelings. But she said as much as she could see I wanted some kind of answer, she can't disclose her feelings to anyone because they are too personal, and it's a result of her childhood traumas. She also said that she wasn't really looking for a relationship at school, maybe after she graduates, because she can barely handle school as it is with all her emotional problems, especially after the previous relationship with this guy put her in such dark places during her first year of university that she couldn't handle it, and that the only reason that she was kind-of seeing this guy again was because she has invested so much time into him already and they have a history together (this did not make ANY sense to me).

She also said that even this isn't a real relationship nor real love, and that she can't even really talk about her feelings with this guy. At this point she said “Sorry” and “bye” and left my room. I sent her a text right after expressing my deep sadness that I will probably never know what she feels about me, and that I cannot fathom why she would tell some of the things she has over the past few months if she didn't have any feelings for me.

What do I do now? She didn't give me any closure and I do not know how to proceed. My thinking right now is to end this relationship with that text message and never contact her again.

[Alty]

One thing I hate about women, and I am a woman so I know what I'm talking about, is that we hate to hurt people's feelings. Instead of saying "I'm just not that into you", we beat around the bush, don't say what's on our minds, all in the hopes that the guy will read between the lines and take the hint without us actually having to hurt him.

If she had feelings for you in a romantic way, she would have said so. Beating around the bush is as good as saying "hey guy, not going to happen, move on to someone else".

If you want to be her friend, be her friend. But that's all you're going to get from this girl. So it's really up to you. If you can look past your feelings for her, stop bringing up how you feel about her, and just be her friend, that's great. If not, walk away.

[talaniman]

Learn to handle your rejection and disappointments better, and try not to be one of those dramatic romantics that needs closure rather than ACCEPTANCE. Jut leave her alone and move on a you never know if your paths will cross again. Who goes on and on for months without asking a girl you like out?

Who in the world expects romance from a female that has a lot of baggage from the past? But to be fair when you are smitten, you do pass over small hints that this may not be worth pursuing, or seeing you have been in the friend zone all this time. Her response may e confusing to you, but not to her, and as Alty said girls will hint and make excuses to let you down what they think is gently, mostly in hopes you can take the hint and continue to give them friendly attention.

If you cannot make that adjustment, simply leave her alone without the emotional drama. In truth, you prolonged this by not cutting to the chase much sooner, and focusing too long on just being smitten secretly. If her friends saw it, why didn't she?

Walk away gracefully, and keep your dignity, and self respect.

[smoothy]

Sorry, if you are expecting closure with every relationship that falls apart that you will have... you better join a monastery right now.

Be glad she was being nice... a few can be rather viscous.

Follow the advice the above posters gave... how well you handle this is likely to get around... meaning if you really handle it ungracefully and with an utter lack of respect... word is going to get around.