[Cat1864]

I have a disease that is under control. But there was a time when we both weren't sure if it can be treated. Realistically, had I continued to remain disabled, we both agreed that we would've ended up divorced.

The reason I asked this question was to find out why he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore. Instead he prefers porn. We're still emotionally connected and we have fun together. But he DOES NOT want to have sex with me anymore. We're more like platonic bestfriends than a married couple. This has been going on for eight years. When he blamed me again last night, it was the last straw. He said he doesn't get excited seeing my body anymore because he has seen it too often.

What I am seeing is a couple that gave up on their relationship years ago. Bear with me (this will seem harsh), you had physical problems and instead of building a stronger relationship that would have withstood a lack of intercourse/sexual contact, you both agreed that if your health didn't improve you would divorce. You put sex in higher position than love and commitment to each other. You may be friends but that appears to be all.

Now you are blaming porn and he is apparently looking for any ammunition to use in a effort to get you to back off. Have either of you thought about marriage counseling? Porn isn't the issue. Porn is a symptom of a much larger issue. You and your husband do not seem as compatible and emotionally bonded as you want to believe. Communication and working together as a couple to overcome a problem seems to be a bigger issue.

You say that divorce is not an option. So what is? Cheating? Getting involved with another male who is bored in his relationship? Leaving your husband and becoming celibate for life? Leaving him and having fun without getting a divorce?

His brothers are not role models for stable relationships and the emotional maturity shared by all of them seems to be rather low. It makes me wonder what kind of role model they had growing up.

By the way, there is a difference between asking for advice and starting a general discussion.

[CravenMorhead]

What Cat1964 said.

The initial question is easily answered with yes. Men and women will get tired of sex with the same partner. They'll also get tired of butterscotch pudding or cheeseburgers. They even might get tired of donairs too. That isn't the thrust of the issue though is it? It is what you've latched on to as the problem and are aggressively trying to figure out.

He's left the relationship. He's long gone. Whether you stay in the marriage is up to you. If you're happy with the way things are, which you're not because you had to ask this question, than stay. Enjoy the non-intimate parts of your relationship. It might be worth it depending. Otherwise leave. Get a divorce and find someone else that you connect with physically and emotionally. Might be better for your mental health that way.

[smoothy]

Its was mentioned that "men cheat more often than women" like its some fact... since the majority of the population is heterosexual... it can safely be assumed they were cheating with women.

Do a very small handful of women have very carefully worked out schedules to allow this huge volume of male cheaters to be with them... and where are they... I haven't met many.

Otherwise it can seafely be assumed there are a lot more women doing it than actually admit to it. It's the only reasonable answer.

As far as if a couple does or will get bored... its all up to them.

THere are boring partners... and there are exciting ones. How boring and if they are boring is all a factor of expectations and willingness of each partner. I'm sure its possible some people might not get bored with only one item on the menu. Most like to have a choice of a few. Having a few choices doesn't require going to a different restaurant to get them. Unless the restaurant chooses to only have one item, and won't expand the menu . If it does, then the tempatation of going to another restaurant might become overwhelming.

[carolmonroe38]

Harshness Warning (Sorry no bright RED font)


Why is divorce not an option? Its not boredom you have described or alluded too but you buying into his reason for rejection that you know is absolute baloney. He isn't honest, just comfortable with the way it is but highly resentful for whatever reason. His porn has NOTHING to do with you, or yourself esteem, but his actions and I suspect your situation, the selfish b@st@rd.

Many couples go for long periods with no sex, either through injury and disease as WG said but what keeps them together is the minds are connected even if the bodies cannot. So if divorce is not an option then somebody needs to be told to shove their BS up their SB, and get over themselves, or get gone. And what's the life changing decision you are mulling over if divorce is not an option.

I have been married 37 years and BS is never a game we play ever. Brutal sometimes but honest communications is the rule not the exception and a lot of listening. Sorry if I am harsh, but make me understand why you take this crap from your room mate? Obviously your minds are not connected and sex won't change that. Go ahead keep blaming the porn, but he is the problem, and you are the enabler. Lack of sex is but a symptom of problems in other areas of the relationship that need to be addressed. For sure you have NOT worked together to resolve those issues to the benefit of you both, so please lots drop these discussions and surveys and get real.

Are you both going through some midlife crisis or what? Why are you allowing yourself to be blamed for his issues? So where are the kids? How many? Their ages please. I hate to be blunt but your every post cries out for truth, so lets get to it, and stop this dancing debate. This ain't philosophy class.

Your survey has no relevance to YOUR situation. But you can get answers and suggestions when you get to the point.

>Sorry,I know its difficult<

I agree if I wanted advice, I should stated that on the title. But as I read more answers, my feelings surfaced. I didn't mean to mislead anyone.

You're right. Porn is not the problem. I have nothing against it. I watch it and we used to watch it together.

I appreciate your honesty. I don't mind it at all.

I'm in my mid-40s and he's in his mid-50s. I guess we're both having mid-life crises. I see the end at the horizon and have to decide how to spend the last part of it.

The kids are young. Toddlers.

He and his family tend to shut down whenever there's a problem. In retrospect, the main cause of their divorces. I didn't think it could happen to us but I guess that's where I'm at. I don't think he knows he's doing it so whatever I bring up will be interpreted as hysterical no matter the tone. He's thinking he's providing a comfortable life so what's the problem? Why make it uncomfortable?

Mother-in-law prefers the divorces. So her kids will go home back to her.

I had a falling out with his mother recently. He's a mama's boy and tends to listen to her. She has told him to divorce me countless time in the last 26 years. Maybe he's finally listening.

Divorce is off the table for now only because I don't know what to do. I'm still reeling from the revelation. I feel like a truck just ran me over.

I know I'm not faultless. But he's like a wall.

[talaniman]

Thank you for responding to my post, it took guts to be honest, and while I feel your confusion, I certainly hope you see that building a life that you enjoy despite the constraints of your disabilities and lack of sex will do you a world of good. Feeding your own soul, be it hobbies or new skills may gain you a fresher, more clear perspective and outlook on your own situation.

And a better strategy to deal with your husbands, in my words, being an insensitive arse hole. Material comfort pale greatly when not accompanied by the comforts of connections through the mind and soul, and that's what keeps a couple together, not just children. I think you have been a bit lax in defining the rules and boundaries of what good behavior is, that works for you both. It's the most crucial part of a marriage, or any relationship, being clear how much crap we will take from a partner.

I have read your other posts and can tell you are a nice person so figure out how to make sure you don't play into his game of being bored with your body. I had a conniption when you wrote it, and still wonder why you have allowed him to get away with it. Honest couples let each other know when a line has been crossed, and then deal with it in a healthy way by talking about it. Or else you may as well be comfortable without this boob around kicking you in the gut. He can do better, and you should demand better for yourself. No sex is one thing, no respect is a totally different animal. I feel its a control issue, but also relieves him of any responsibilities also, and that just ain't FAIR in my book.

May I inquire the nature of your disability? Only if you care to share.

[DocMia]

I posted a thread on fantasies that a lot of woman might not like. (I'm a woman), but my past marriage and my current relationship have always been very sexual, also loving and caring and helping through the bad times. I had a brother-in-law express all the time that despite being happily married- he missed variety. His wife, found what she could do and bought porn and toys and introduced something new each month for a few months and weather or not, he still missed variety, he began to rant and rave and never strayed again (that I know of... he had before).

But back to my ex- lots of crazy sex and strayed all the time behind my back. Not all men are like this. I have a committed guy friend who explains it like this... I see the beautiful red-head walking down the street strutting her stuff- I smile and keep walking and attack my wife when I get home.

I guess my point is... you may jump through hoops and he still strays. You may change up your sex life and he falls back in love with you again and again. You may do nothing, but he chooses to come home to you. There is not one species of man. Ask your man want he wants? (one woman wears different wigs and lingerie, so he feels like it is a bit of variety, but with the one woman he loves more than anything!) Don't forget your guy may find that comfort in you and NOT want more...

Good luck..

[DocMia]

... this is what I get for not scrolling to the last pages... sorry, my post is probably unhelpful. But, I hope I can come back with more thought and better input.

Just remember, no person is more worthy than another. Know your worth. I help rehabilitate persons with traumatic brain injuries---I teach them the same things, and sometimes despite mental and physical disabilities, they know they are worth more than what their partners want to believe. It always starts with you. We often must teach people HOW to treat us...