[stuckerhex]

Hello I am new here and hope its not wrong if I come straight to the point. I'm currently 19 and will turn 20 in next two months. Since I was 16 I had this huge crush on my college friend whom I grew good friends with because I didn't believe (still don't, tell me if wrong) of entering a relationship without knowing a person. I proposed her when we were 17 which she declined but we stayed friends. I got into another relationship where I dated around 7months but it turned out it was one sided which really crushed me.

Surprisingly me and my previous crush joined same college for graduation. Now 18, she became my closest friend and helped me heal through my break up which took me more than a year cause I was damn serious. During this process everything I used to like about her kept coming back to me. I thought it was a rebound thing of my mind so I didn't ask her out again. Also I was afraid of losing the closest person I had, and mainly who understood me. Being a poet I just kept spitting my stuff in rhymes and raps.

We are 19 now and I'm done with the rebound thing and all and the only person who captures my attention is her. I have tried flirting with others and get into something casual but I couldn't go forward to any possible relationship because all I can think of is her. Our families too have grown close to each other. As far as I have even become friends with her distant cousins! Now I'm not thinking of marriage or sex, but the thing is I am madly in love with her, all time I think of her, whatever I want to do involves her but I know she is not into me and considers me only as her close friend.

I try going away from her knowing that I'm just hurting myself but being classmates and staying in vicinity we have to do projects together and I can't run away from her. I feel no better than a devil when she asks for my help and I have to refuse her so I just can't do that. How should I be with her and yet not love her when all I think about is her and most time I spend with is her too?

[Homegirl 50]

I think you have a crush and you are close to her. It is all hard I'm sure but you can distance yourself and find other things to do. You need to broaden your horizons and do more things that don't involve her. Stop writing so much poetry about her, all that does is causes you to fixate on her.

[stuckerhex]

It is all hard I'm sure but you can distance yourself and find other things to do. You need to broaden your horizons and do more things that don't involve her.

Could you suggest what I should do? I'm sorry if it sounds lame but I am in such a dazed state right now. We are as I said classmates and live nearby hence we are allotted projects together and often even stay over at nights to finish the same. For her I'm her close friend so she expects me to be there for her. If I tell her the true state of my mind I'm sure I will lose her.

[Homegirl 50]

You can stop the stay overs for one thing. Just because you are her friend, it does not mean you have to be there for her all the time. You tell her "sorry I have plans" You don't have to be her puppy. I have a really good friend as well, but she does not expect me to be there for her all the time. I have a life apart from her. That is what you need to do.

[stuckerhex]

You don't have to be her puppy.

Hurt a bit but definitely what you say is true. I feel such a cry baby right now. Thanks though :)

[smoothy]

I agree with Homegirl 50. Women do not find guys So fixated on a person they are writing poetry and such when they are only friends as being appealing... its more likely than anything to send her running away. Its seen as weaknes and not strength which would be appealing to most women. I'm sure you have seen people (doesn't matter if it's a male or female) that follows someone around like a puppy dog that really doesn't feel anything for them. I know I've seen many. That's you at this point.

Its not exactly like you've been dating for years... your never really dated so this is a fixation, a crush... it might even become an obsession if it hasn't crossed that line yet... (which is a very bad thing).

I see many unhealthy things here that if she was aware of you would probibly lose an otherwise good friendship over.

[stuckerhex]

Its not exactly like you've been dating for years... your never really dated so this is a fixation, a crush... it might even become an obsession if it hasn't crossed that line yet... (which is a very bad thing).

I see many unhealthy things here that if she was aware of you would probibly lose an otherwise good friendship over.

. Unhealthy things like?

[talaniman]

My friend, you need a whole lot of other things and people in your life besides her and the many projects you have together. Be aware that as long as your feelings are deeper than hers this friendship thing is toxic and makes you her love slave which she gladly depends on. That's not healthy and keeps you stuck being helpful, but miserable. Learn to say no, or cut back your help to suggestions and get a real life for yourself.

You seem to be a friend of convenience rather than true substance. Make time for yourself besides her. You are just to wrapped up. Friends should be glued together, or even so available all the time. Cut the leash to her YOU have created. Hell, you can't even be honest enough to tell her you are a lousy friend at this time because you are too attached to her and want more than to be just friends, and project buddies.

I think I would rather lose a friend, than lose myself.

[smoothy]

THis obsession over here that you are writing poetry about her... couples deeply in love might do it... friends don't.

The long term obsession you have with her even as you dated other people... \

THose are the two that stand out the most to me.

It wouldn't be unusual to think... I like her, I'd like to ask her out... and maybe even not act on it for weeks or months... but hanging around YEARS harboring this desire to do exactly what she's already said no to... hoping beyond hope she will change her mind if you just wait a little longer.

Am I wrong there? Have you in your mind planned out lives together and such? I'm guessing probibly.

You have dated a few others... but she appears first on your mind... and as such might have doomed those relationships as you probibly measure them up to her.

Am I very far off on this? I'm not saying that to be mean... I'm doing it to let you see how this appears to others... so manybe you can see a little more clear yourself.

WHat most people do is if a woman that strikes their fancy turns them down... they gracefully accept it and forcus their attention on others. And its also a very good reason to not obsess over someone for very long before you ask them out and find out if they are interested or not... the longer you take and the longer you dwell the more its going to hurt if it doesn't turn out the way you want.

And its also not a waiting game... thinking that if you just wait long enough they will begin to see your way... that makes people think about other people that you see and hear about on the news that do bad things.

A lot of people make this mistake at some point in their lves... you learn from it and move on.

[stuckerhex]

My friend, you need a whole lot of other things and people in your life besides her and the many projects you have together. Be aware that as long as your feelings are deeper than hers this friendship thing is toxic and makes you her love slave which she gladly depends on. That's not healthy and keeps you stuck being helpful, but miserable. Learn to say no, or cut back your help to suggestions and get a real life for yourself.

You seem to be a friend of convenience rather than true substance. Make time for yourself besides her. You are just to wrapped up. Friends should be glued together, or even so available all the time. Cut the leash to her YOU have created. Hell, you can't even be honest enough to tell her you are a lousy friend at this time because you are too attached to her and want more than to be just friends, and project buddies.

I think I would rather lose a friend, than lose myself.

You have given me tons to think about. Couldn't have asked for a better help. I will try to fix this I'm in. thanks so much. Indebted to all of you :)

[stuckerhex]

THis obsession over here that you are writing poetry about her... couples deeply in love might do it... friends don't.

The long term obsession you have with her even as you dated other people... \

THose are the two that stand out the most to me.

It wouldn't be unusual to think... I like her, I'd like to ask her out... and maybe even not act on it for weeks or months... but hanging around YEARS harboring this desire to do exactly what she's already said no to... hoping beyond hope she will change her mind if you just wait a little longer.

Am I wrong there? Have you in your mind planned out lives together and such? I'm guessing probibly.

You have dated a few others... but she appears first on your mind... and as such might have doomed those relationships as you probibly measure them up to her.

Am I very far off on this? I'm not saying that to be mean... I'm doing it to let you see how this appears to others... so manybe you can see a little more clear yourself.

WHat most people do is if a woman that strikes their fancy turns them down... they gracefully accept it and forcus their attention on others. And its also a very good reason to not obsess over someone for very long before you ask them out and find out if they are interested or not... the longer you take and the longer you dwell the more its going to hurt if it doesn't turn out the way you want.

And its also not a waiting game... thinking that if you just wait long enough they will begin to see your way... that makes people think about other people that you see and hear about on the news that do bad things.

A lot of people make this mistake at some point in their lves... you learn from it and move on.

Crap. Wow. This site removes words like S*H*I*T and all but I swear you couldn't be more correct

[smoothy]

People rarely think to put themselves in someone else's shoes... which is why you sometimes hear people say that about something. "Put yourself in their shoes"

Sometimes that's all it takes for someone to see the problem themselves. It's a valuable and simple tool to use from time to time... and it can help you in many different things in life.

Its easy to lose sight of things when you focus so strongly on something you develop tunnel vision. Having the forsight to step back and reasess things from time to time is useful. Not just in relationships, but everything.