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roguehunter · Mar 10, 2014, 05:30 PM

Im a 43 year female and been seeing a 36 year old male ( he suffers with S.A.D. and struggles with his emotions.. been going out for a year everything's has been great with the relationship, but we are an hour away from each other, we have been seeing each other mainly every 2 weeks but sometimes it was ¾ weeks due to life getting in the way I've always tried to understand. He doesn't work right now but has been trying to get work.

Yesterday, 1 day before our year anniversary he decides to say he wants to be single, but can't give me an explanation at all, he cares about me, would kill for me, wants to be with me. Doesn't want to lose me or couldn't bare to see me with anyone else.. but he doesn't think its an idea we should be together due to he's not in a position to be going out with anyone.
Its too much pressure ( but doesn't explain what pressure). Cause he has a billion things etc.. Doesn't think its equal in feeling etc.. he says there's no one else and he hasn't gone off me, but doesn't think its fare but he contradicts himself constantly with no real reason that he want to be single, he doesn't think things will get better and even if he worked it would be worse due to more hours.. he repeats saying he has nothing to give feelings wise but I ask is it cause he has no feeling for me, he says no he has strong feeling for me. I said he just wants to scrumple me up and throw me away by dumping me, he said I'm not doing that. I said but that's what your doing.

He said I'm just saying I don't see a future in it, well for the majority of 2014 anyway while he sorts out things.. he repeats over and over I've got nothing to give, I've got nothing left to give, he says he cares about me and I'm cool we get on etc but he says I'm just in no situation to be with anyone.. its not that I want to throw it away, I've just got nothing left to give, what you want I can't give you that?? Feelings and stuff. When I ask what feelings he has for me he struggles saying I care about you, of course I have got feelings for you, good ones, the good kind, I like you but struggles with saying any more, yet he says he would hate it if I was with someone else and would kill for me. He says he not pushing me out of his life, but he is. And doesn't want to be in any relationship at all.. and says over and over I'm not going anywhere.

I'm so confused and put a year into this relationship and my heart and soul is with him even with his faults, but so confused in on hand he doesn't seem to want to lose me but he's dumping me? Please help me. I don't know what to do.

p.s. he also dumped me in Oct. similar reasons but blamed it on S.A.D. and when we spoke 4 days later seemed to understand me and we were OK again, but I don't think it helps he was drinking a lot at the time also and this time was the same he had drunk a lot of alcohol. Thanks

tickle · Mar 10, 2014, 05:48 PM

See the red flags my dear, this is not a relationship for you. Are you thst needy that you would want a man like this ?

smoothy · Mar 10, 2014, 05:55 PM

I agree with Tickle, this only happens because you allow it to happen. I do not understand WHY you do.

talaniman · Mar 11, 2014, 06:17 AM

Not wise giving your heart to an insecure clown that gets drunk and depressed. Not wise at all, and even worse to try and reason with him when he is loaded. Who does that?

Never talk to a drunk, tell him to sleep it off and leave you alone when he drinks. Actually you should leave him alone until he conquers his demons and that could be many years of turmoil, but at least he won't drag you through the mud of despair. Protect yourself from his emotional assaults, better yet run like hell from him.

Drinking is the last thing a SAD sufferer needs, so never tolerate his drunk utterances. You have already wasted a year of your life.

Homegirl 50 · Mar 11, 2014, 03:16 PM

He is speaking what he really thinks when he's drunk. Leave the guy alone. When someone tells you they don't want to be with you, (drunk or sober) believe them and walk away with some dignity.

roguehunter · Mar 12, 2014, 07:02 AM

Thanks all you guys, but just to make a point this guy hasent been a big drinker around me at all and tells me when he does, he's prob had 5 times since oct that he has drunk but in oct and march were bad drinking sessions that seamed to get him down.. that's why he's been staying away from it.. not sure what made him drink this time besides not having a job and just surviving is getting hime down when he's trying so hard. Hope it helps.. thanks

talaniman · Mar 12, 2014, 07:23 AM

It changes nothing as far as how his actions affect YOU and the relationship you were trying to have. For whatever reason it's obvious he cannot hold up his end in a healthy way, and no matter how much love you have you better protect yourself from his flaws, or drown in his crap with him.

Maybe you should hear what others in your situation have gone through both on these forums, and at Alanon, so at least you know what you are up against. His drinking is just one of many issues to confront.