[sadface]

I have an almost 4 year old boy, who like every kid I'm sure is spoilt a little by their grandparents.

My mum, adores my son, he is her only grand child.

However every time she comes over or sees him or has him over, she gives him something, nothing big, but sweets or chocolate, anytime of the day, and I keep insisting he does not need this daily, and then I suffer the consequences of his naughty behavior when he gets naughty through a major sugar rush!

Is she spoiling him?
My son too, always ask her when he sees her - do you have something for me?
Which shows he is used to this now!

[joypulv]

It isn't always easy to define the boundaries between the 'doting grandma' who gets away with giving treats, not a bad thing for a child to experience, versus what the parent has established for rules about parenting. This is really going to have to be your personal decision, and a lot has to do with your relationship with your mother.

Find a calm moment when you can tell her an exact rule about sweets - how many and how often. I see no reason to feel guilty about telling her not every day, and no more than one tiny piece, like those little mini-candies you give out at Halloween. Just say it matter of factly without anger and yet also without apology or reasoning. You are the parent and that's the end of the story. Be prepared for what you will do if she breaks your rule, such as taking the candy away and saying that you are putting it in the cupboard for dessert after dinner. But you don't want to get into a battle over his love. If she still continues or tries to argue, tell her that he doesn't have to love one of you more than the other. Hopefully she will get that message.

[Fr_Chuck]

How about talking with her and asking her to change the treat to something less sugar. Or just as noted a smaller piece. Or perhaps a few loose coloring pages, that she can color with the child.

And of course, you said daily ? Is she there every day, Is she baby sitting,

[Cat1864]

That reminds me of my grandmother and husband's grandmother. It isn't the sweet but the love that comes with it that makes it special.

It sounds like she is doing what her grandparents may have done when she was small or what your grandparents may have done when you were small. Redirecting her 'gifts' to something else sounds like a great idea. Small books, activity pads, art supplies, etc. can be found for cheaper than most candy these days and can feed into his curiosity and imagination. They can also be used to make something for him to give back to her so the 'sharing' continues.

If she insists on food, ask her to provide fruit or a vegetable to explore.

If her visits are daily or close to it, maybe work together on a series of 'gifts' based on the alphabet and/or counting.

Encourage her to help teach him in a fun way. She gets to give and you get to enjoy their time together without stressing about a sugar rush later.

[tickle]

Of course she is spoiling him! That is what grandmas do isn't it? Do you have a problem asking her to stop with the candy and give something less often?

I see no Reason to ask us this question. Did you need clarification of some sort before addressing it with her?

[sadface]

I have told her time to time and she understands.. however a week or two pass and it falls back to the same issue..
She doesn't babysit daily.. as he goes to school daily but she does she come to see him nearly every day or we go over.

[Jake2008]

Tell her, preferably in an email, or text, so that she can read it until she gets it, that any candy she brings into the house, will be put away, and given to YOUR son, when YOU think it is appropriate.

Your 4 year old will probably have a major fit, but what you need to do, is stick to discipline, and let him run his 'disappointment' out, which he will.

We all know that 'treats' to a 4 year old, are not the same treats to a 40 year old. Most adults can regulate their intake of sugar, and manage their reaction to it, because they are adults- they at least have the choice to pig out or not.

Children need to be monitored- their food, their behavior etc. and, they need to learn that sometimes they just can't have what they want, no matter how much they demand it.

Your mother needs boundaries. I assume that she is a regular visitor to your home, so candy is given often. If your next door neighbours 4 year old came over as often, with a pocket full of candy to share, would you allow that?

I hope she will learn to simply check with you, before she brings candy into the house, in order to avoid you having to say no to your son, and her feeling badly about it.

Take charge! This is your child, not hers.

[joypulv]

I like the suggestions for other gifts, as long as they are very small and inexpensive.
When I was 4, what I wanted most in all the world was the biggest box of crayons ever.
How about telling her to buy that super special box and empty it, giving him the box. Bring ONE crayon each visit until it's full.

[busymomma2013]

My mom and dad spoil my 4 year old son too. But they both know what they are doing and know that he will act differently with him because of their actions. This does not affect the way we operate at our home. He knows what he can get away with at G-mas and G-pas and that most of what takes place over there does not fly at our home. So I say, if your mom and dad know that your child is expecting all that stuff they give to him and your son doesn't expect it from you, then let the spoiling continue!

[Alty]

You're so lucky that your mother is in your sons life. My dad died when my son was 2 years and 4 months old, and my mother died a few months before he turned 3. They were the best grandparents, saw him every day, spoiled him by playing with him, taking him to petting zoos, getting him small toys at the dollar store every once in a while. He never had what your son has now. My daughter was born after they were both deceased, and never even knew them.

My mother in law tried her best to be the grandparent she knew my parents would have been, that she really couldn't be. Her way of connecting with the kids was with sweets. Every time we came to visit they'd head straight for the cupboard where she had their sweets. Cookies, chocolates, candies. But I was always there, and I'd limit what they could have. I'd then urge them to play with Grandma. She really had no idea how to play with them. I had to teach her.

She still offered treats all the time, but play time became more important to the kids. They had their own special games with Grandma, since she was a lot older than my parents (10 years) and not nearly as mobile. She had these silver coasters. Both of my kids would pretend that they were platters, and that they were waiters. The cabinet she had would be the kitchen. They'd take her dinner order, go to the "Kitchen" with their "platter" and return with her meal. They would play that game with her for hours.

Teach mom to play instead of showing her love with sugar. Trust me, there's no kid that would rather have a ton of sweets than spend hours at the kitchen table with Grandma, coloring, and having fruit and milk.

Some grandmas need to be taught how to be a good grandma instead of a grandma that earns the kids love with treats.

To this day, even though Grandma died almost 8 years ago, my kids still remember playing waiter with her. They don't remember the treats at all.

[dontknownuthin]

The sugar rush thing is an old wives tale and is very suggestive. The kid hears that sugar will wind him up, he winds up. People say this about kids at birthday pArties. HolidAys and when someone fun comes over... it is not the sugar but the fun thing that is happening. The solution is that you expect good behavior, sugar or not. Teach the child your expectations. Also have a talk with mom. "You may bring hm a treat, but. Get final say over whether and when he may have it . He might have to wait for it."

[Alty]

I have to disagree dontknownuthin. As the parent of a child with ADHD I know that sugar plays a huge part in how he acts, as it does with other kids.

Do you drink coffee? What happens when you drink it? What happens when you don't? That's not a psychological response.

Sugar highs are a very real thing IMO.

[talaniman]

We spoil the hell out of our grand kids, and those sweet treats and special favors gave way to other things as they got older. We have always talked to our kids (their parents) behind their backs though. "Beats" (head phones) video games and cool clothes and shoes replaced candy.

Parents and grand parents have to be able to talk. Conflicts happen, but when done respectfully, no big deal. (RE: as long as I get my way!! ) They grow fast! Enjoy it while you can.