[letitbe1111]

I guess I'm looking for people to weigh in.

My sister did not ask me to be godmother of her child. Instead she asked her best friend. This is her third child. We have one other sister who was godmother of the first child, she has a sister-in-law who was godmother of the second child. I was patient both times. But to choose a friend over family just pisses me off.

I spend a mint on these kids, no questions asked every holiday and birthday. For my birthday-my 40th- she sent me-I kid you not-shampoo and conditioner. For her last big birthday, I bought her a designer handbag.

Believe it or not, I refer to her as my good sister, because my other sister is very cruel to me (since as long as I can remember). I also spoil that sister's children, but receive very little in the way of kindness in return. I am a friendly, nice teacher. I'm not at all mean.

I'm single and my biggest fear is being totally alone. I'm so hurt by my family. They seem to think I don't count as much since I'm not married. I'm so angry. And I'm angry at my parents for refusing to stand up for me when I'm ignored or mistreated by my sisters.

How would you all deal with this? As I get older I've realized that feeling like I don't fit in has been a theme in my life since I was mercilessly teased as a child. I'd like to get over this, but don't know where to begin.

Thanks

[Cat1864]

I guess I'm looking for people to weigh in.

My sister did not ask me to be godmother of her child. Instead she asked her best friend. This is her third child. We have one other sister who was godmother of the first child, she has a sister-in-law who was godmother of the second child. I was patient both times. But to choose a friend over family just pisses me off.

I spend a mint on these kids, no questions asked every holiday and birthday. For my birthday-my 40th- she sent me-I kid you not-shampoo and conditioner. For her last big birthday, I bought her a designer handbag.

Believe it or not, I refer to her as my good sister, because my other sister is very cruel to me (since as long as I can remember). I also spoil that sister's children, but receive very little in the way of kindness in return. I am a friendly, nice teacher. I'm not at all mean.

I'm single and my biggest fear is being totally alone. I'm so hurt by my family. They seem to think I don't count as much since I'm not married. I'm so angry. And I'm angry at my parents for refusing to stand up for me when I'm ignored or mistreated by my sisters.

How would you all deal with this? As I get older I've realized that feeling like I don't fit in has been a theme in my life since I was mercilessly teased as a child. I'd like to get over this, but don't know where to begin.

Thanks

I am going to be blunt. You don't sound like a mature 40(+) years old woman. You sound like a petulant teenager who is upset at not getting her way. It is your sister and her husband's right to chose who they want to be godparents of their children. It doesn't take away anything from you that they didn't choose you. You are still the aunt.

You seem to be trying to buy their affection. Gifts are not love. You can't buy it.

Receiving a gift graciously is as important as being able to give them. So what if it is bottle of shampoo. It was given to you by your sister. That makes it priceless if you aren't trying to keep some sort of score.

You have a chip on your shoulder from what you appear to think of as a bad childhood and uncaring parents. I don't know if your perception is anywhere close to reality or if you are so caught up in the wrongs done to you that negativity is all you see.

Perhaps you need to think about talking to a counselor or therapist. Someone who can help you work through the anger and other negative emotions you seem to be clinging to.

[Alty]

Cat said it all very well.

You're 40, not 12. If you choose to spoil your nieces and nephews, it should be done out of love for them, not to get some sort of reward or recognition. It seems that you don't do it out of love, you do it to gain something, and when you don't get rewarded, you get angry about it.

I have two children, when I decided on Godparents for my children I picked people that I knew I could rely on, that would be there for my kids, that would treat them the way I would. Just being family doesn't mean you're right for the job. Spoiling my kids doesn't mean you're the right person to raise them in my place, and that's what I looked for. I have no siblings. My husband has one.

I have a sister in law, my husbands only sibling. Until her, and my husbands, mother died, she spoiled my kids rotten. She never really spent time with them, but she spoiled them. Since her mother died, she hasn't even seen them. She sends them $100 each for their birthdays, and Christmas, but if she walked by them on the street, she wouldn't recognize them. She chose not to be in their lives. But does she spoil them? Ya, she does. Does that make her a great Aunt? She lives a 15 minute drive from our home, we never denied her access to our kids, but she hasn't seen them in 8 years! My son is 15, my daughter is 11. They don't know their Aunt at all, couldn't pick her out of a lineup of 5 people.

You need to stop blaming your family, and start looking at your actions, your behavior. Therapy is a good place to start.

[letitbe1111]

Wow! I think you misunderstand what kind of aunt I am. I spend money on my nieces and nephews because I want them to have nice gifts. SInce I am a teacher, I work very hard to give them cool, educational enriching gifts. I spend all the time with them I'm allowed. My older sister keeps me very far away and frequently lashes out at me. My younger sister lives far away, but I love her kids and stay with them as much as I can. I do experiments, play with them, feed them, etc. Perhaps, you think the money is all I do. I believe family should be chosen first over friends. Just because your kids have a crummy aunt, don't assume that is me. It's not. And my older sister truly is terrible. I already went to therapy and it took me a year to be able to even admit it. So, thanks for your two cents however much it did not apply. I'm not one to blame others, I just don't feel I'm getting back what I'm giving out. Not everyone is a victim. Some people just get a family that doesn't care about them.

Never mind. I read both of your responses to other and you are clearly angry women. I will never read this page again now that I know that it is just a place where mean, unhappy trolls live. Ciao! Hope you find happiness. (Kind of). LOL.

[Jake2008]

I think that your best bet for a strong link to family, will be your nieces and nephews. Their parents do seem to have a history of attitude with you, and as adults, you can't change them, and they don't want to be changed, or they wouldn't expect what you have come to let them- much in the way of gifts, but no real substance.

The value of being in a child's life in a positive way (as you know only too well from being a teacher), is what I would say you should be concentrating on. Build relationships with the children, and don't give so lavishly to show you love them. Not many of us as adults remember expensive gifts, but we all remember time at the beach, or outings to a petting zoo, or seeing a live stage show or play, or Christmas concert.

Doing things with them, instead of giving for the sake of giving, will more likely leave an influence on them that will last a lifetime.

Spend less, but give more- to the children.

To be ignored and marginalized as you have been, particularly with the honour of being a Godparent- well, I'd be insulted too. But, they make their own choices, for whatever reason, and it has nothing to do with you as a person, except they could well have benefited from having you more in their lives.

So, try to think of this in a different way, and see if you can't come up with ideas to make more significant influences in the children's lives, and enjoy the riches that will be returned to you because of it.

[Alty]

Never mind. I read both of your responses to other and you are clearly angry women. I will never read this page again now that I know that it is just a place where mean, unhappy trolls live. Ciao! Hope you find happiness. (Kind of). LOL.

I'd love to see the links to the posts you found that show Cat and I as "angry women".

I think you're pointing your finger in the wrong direction. Your posts say it all.

Time to find a new therapist I think.

Good luck. :)

[Cat1864]

Never mind. I read both of your responses to other and you are clearly angry women. I will never read this page again now that I know that it is just a place where mean, unhappy trolls live. Ciao! Hope you find happiness. (Kind of). LOL.

I am not angry. I am responding to what you wrote and what you said. I am actually worried about you. I want you to find happiness but I am afraid you won't because I don't think you allow yourself to be happy.

All through your 'question' you talked about material items. What you have spent. You didn't say anything about actually attempting to spend time with them. You ranted about a bottle of shampoo not measuring up to what you have given. So why shouldn't I think you have been trying to buy their affection? Maybe you aren't trying to buy the children's but I think you are trying to prove something to the parents.

You asked for opinions. You got mine. You also have my sincere hope that you talk to someone who can help you see that your family isn't going to change. You either accept them as they are and distance yourself from the negativity or you keep beating your head against a brick wall.

This is why I think you need to talk to someone:

I'm single and my biggest fear is being totally alone. I'm so hurt by my family. They seem to think I don't count as much since I'm not married. I'm so angry. And I'm angry at my parents for refusing to stand up for me when I'm ignored or mistreated by my sisters.

Sometimes family isn't people related to you by blood. It is people you choose to allow into your life. You cannot change them and who they are, but you can change how you deal with them and what you expect from them. It isn't easy to let go of long held expectations for family. But sometimes you have to let go to find what you want.

[Alty]

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again.

I couldn't agree more Cat.

Often when people ask for advice, they're asking for people to agree with them. I think that's the case here.

When this poster posted, it was very easy to interpret her true motives, and feelings, and when they were pointed out, she didn't like what we were telling her. She didn't want to hear the truth based on what she posted.

Instead of accepting that truth, she tried to turn the tables on us, telling us we're just "angry women". I'm sure she does the same thing with her family. Why wouldn't she?

To the OP (original poster) your true color are shining through. You didn't want advice, you wanted someone to tell you you're right. Sorry, but we base our opinions on what you write. If you want someone to sugar coat it, or lie to you, talk to your friends. If you truly want the advice and opinions you asked for, stop putting yourself on a pedestal and read the advice that was based on what you posted!

You can't see the forest for the trees. You need to accept that you may be the problem in all of this. Money can't buy love. You have no relationship with your family, and I have a strong feeling that that's because only worldly goods, what your money can buy, and the cost of what you receive, matters to you.

I'm not being mean to you, I'm being honest, and basing my advice on what YOU wrote. You did ask for honest opinions. Doesn't seem to me that you really wanted what you asked for.

[talaniman]

I'll weigh in here. I think not being a god parent only adds to resentments you already had that go way back and have not been resolved by you. How deep do those resentments go? Very deep I would say if the decisions your siblings make is taken so personally by you. If it makes you feel better I wasn't a god parent for the kids of my siblings either, nor where they mine. We still treated our nieces and nephews well without resenting each other for old stuff that went on between us.

Identify and deal with those resentments, not keep feeding them and making them grow. You're a good aunt, and that should be enough. Why isn't it?