[girl79]

Hi everyone.

This is a long post so I had to split it... I know it may seem like the pathetic rambling of someone just dumped but if anyone could take the time to read it and give me any advice It would be great...

here's the thing. I've been in and out of relationships for the past 12 - 13 years. I have had 6 relationships where I have loved the person deeply.

My last one ended just a week ago and to be honest I am distraught about this.
The thing is, I am looking back and each relationship has been more or less the same. Well my first two were abusive, both physically, and mentally/emotionally.

But in all of these I have been the one to be dumped. Not just once by the same girl either.

The last one, I dated her years ago a couple of times but nothing ever came of it. We met again 7 years later and there was a spark there. I was single and had been for a year (following an on/of 18 month long distance relationship). Things moved quite quickly (honestly this was all on her part. Introducing me to family after a week. Told me she loved me very quickly also).

One year on and I've been told I don't have the feelings I should have for you any longer. She has ideas of what true love and soul mate are- wanting to touch each other at all times, (not possible with my daughter and sister living with me and with her living with two house mates. We never got a lot of time together alone). A lack of intimacy in our relationship (this I agree with and this is all completely down to me. I have a thing where I am afraid to be the one to initiate things for fear of rejection or fear I am doing things wrong etc. and this has just pushed this girl to a point where there's no return. I know it's my fault). I would love nothing more than for this girl who I love and would do absolutely anything for, who I saw myself ending up with, to want to work things out. But we met up yesterday and she's told me that this will not happen. She loves me. She misses me. But she doesn't have that feeling in her heart and does not believe that we can get that initial spark back that we had.

I understand in my mind in me head in my rational logical thoughts that this relationship is over. It's dead. She does not want me. She misses and loves only my company. We did lots of things together. Fun things. That's what she misses. I get that. She has very few friends and I am like this best friend who is no longer there and I know this is what she means. I "know" this. That's why I am writing here. I know this is over. I know she does not want me in the way I want her. Not anymore (maybe she never really did. Maybe it was just lust at the start or a thing she had always wondered about, took the opportunity to find out, didn't feel it and has now walked, either way I know in my head this is over).

I my heart is different. My heart (or the part of my brain that makes me think with what I feel rather than what is glaringly obvious) is saying to me too give her space, give her time to realise she's made a mistake, time to miss me to a point where she's saying no my life is no good without her, time to see that I actually am the one she wants to end up with and have a life and future with. Maybe if I do X,Y & Z, maybe she will come back to me.

[girl79]

My brain though is telling me to get on here and ask for advice, for help, from someone who knows or can tell me what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I keep having these relationships where I get dumped. Where I ruin things. What is wrong with me? Seriously! You're supposed to learn from relationships aren't you. And from my last one the long distance one, I did. I learned to appreciate my girlfriend if I ever got one again. I would treat her good, with respect, I would listen to her and I would do things with her based on things I've learned about her. Likes, dislikes. This girl I am cut up about, she loves to help. I hate anyone helping me to cook or clean or anything but she loves helping so I would let her and sometimes even ask her for a hand. She loved that. It's just a small example there. So I'm thinking I have learned from mistakes from the past relationship that will make this one perfect or as close to it as I could.

But I still managed to f*** this one up. This perfect girl for me who I think the world of has gone. Why? Because I didn't show her exactly how much I craved her, loved her, wanted her in a way that she needed and wanted to know... I was busy doing other things that would make her feel wanted and loved and in doing this, I failed to do the things that she needed.

This has clearly been a pattern in my relationships. Every girl has ended it with me.

What do I do. I want this girl back so badly I ache. I asked her, she said no. I believe her. My head tells me me move on, learn, get over it. My heart tells me I can't do that. My heart wants another chance to show her.

I know which is right and which is wrong but my God I can't keep living my life in this way. Everything else is great in my life. She just made it that little bit better. You know you have friends, daughter, I have a job, I went back to school and am almost finished my degree, I take part in a sport I love, I have a home that I 'm happy in. She fitted in to everything and I fitted into everything she had, her family, her friends, her dog loved me. I was extremely happy before her you know. But once we got together I just felt an extra thing. I was in love. I was a whole cake. I even had icing on top. She was the sprinkly colourful bits that just make ia cake even better. Not a great way to describe this but it's all I can think of.

Someone give me something I can do to feel OK. Please.

[Oliver2011]

Okay where to start, that is the question.


"What is wrong with me? Seriously! You're supposed to learn from relationships aren't you." Seriously the only thing wrong with you is that you are jumping into the same types of relationships and not allowing yourself to learn from these experiences. When you do that then they are going to end up the same way every time.


"Things moved quite quickly (honestly this was all on her part. Introducing me to family after a week. Told me she loved me very quickly also)." Bull crappies to her and her "I love you." Any relationship that moves that fast is doom to fail. I made sure in my current relationship that we got to know each other inside and out before there was anything close to an exchange of I love you's.

I saw a movie once that had the line "We accept the love we think we deserve." You have been in and out of failed relationships some that included abuse as well. Maybe it is time that you start setting your standards higher. It is okay to be single and not in a relationship. It is okay to take your time to find someone that is deserving of you. And when you find that person keep your friends. Keep your own activities. It keeps the relationship fresh.

You need to be honest with yourself in that you have been through a breakup and feeling not the greatest is okay and natural. She's most definitely not coming back and you need to deal with that. Keep busy, meet some friends, get some exercise, join a club - anything that will keep your mind active. And don't just jump into a relationship because someone pays you attention.

My brain though is telling me to get on here and ask for advice, for help, from someone who knows or can tell me what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I keep having these relationships where I get dumped. Where I ruin things. What is wrong with me? Seriously! You're supposed to learn from relationships aren't you. And from my last one the long distance one, I did. I learned to appreciate my girlfriend if I ever got one again. I would treat her good, with respect, I would listen to her and I would do things with her based on things I've learned about her. Likes, dislikes. This girl I am cut up about, she loves to help. I hate anyone helping me to cook or clean or anything but she loves helping so I would let her and sometimes even ask her for a hand. She loved that. It's just a small example there. So I'm thinking I have learned from mistakes from the past relationship that will make this one perfect or as close to it as I could.

But I still managed to f*** this one up. This perfect girl for me who I think the world of has gone. Why? Because I didn't show her exactly how much I craved her, loved her, wanted her in a way that she needed and wanted to know... I was busy doing other things that would make her feel wanted and loved and in doing this, I failed to do the things that she needed.

This has clearly been a pattern in my relationships. Every girl has ended it with me.

What do I do. I want this girl back so badly I ache. I asked her, she said no. I believe her. My head tells me me move on, learn, get over it. My heart tells me I can't do that. My heart wants another chance to show her.

I know which is right and which is wrong but my God I can't keep living my life in this way. Everything else is great in my life. She just made it that little bit better. You know you have friends, daughter, I have a job, I went back to school and am almost finished my degree, I take part in a sport I love, I have a home that I 'm happy in. She fitted in to everything and I fitted into everything she had, her family, her friends, her dog loved me. I was extremely happy before her you know. But once we got together I just felt an extra thing. I was in love. I was a whole cake. I even had icing on top. She was the sprinkly colourful bits that just make ia cake even better. Not a great way to describe this but it's all I can think of.

Someone give me something I can do to feel OK. Please.

[Fr_Chuck]

There is a reason people are ex's, and they need to stay that way. When we meet them in the future, maybe we forgot the bad, or just lonely and they are available. What ever the reason, no relationship is better than bad one.

Also know when to get out, yourself, when going bad.

And I agree, change yourself, meet women other places, no idea where you find, but obviously same type people. And stop going back into relationship with ex's.

I had a friend, she complained that every boyfriend she gets turns out to be a lazy drunk. Where is she meeting these men, bars and clubs

[girl79]

Girlfriend 1 I met at work
Gf 2 I met through girlfriend 1
Gf 3 we were friends first for years and got into a relationship. She went off to college and we ended. We had ended previously but she asked me to come back and I did.
Gf 4 I met at college
Gf 5 I met in a club, she was in town on a holiday, we exchanged numbers and facebooks etc and did the long distance thing. (We're still in touch now but just chit on fb. Same as girlfriend 3)
Gf 6 I met her 7 years ago. A guy from college set us up on a blind date. Fizzled out. Then last year I went into a place for coffe and she served me and it just went from there.

Ah man I just want her back. Well I want her to want me. Not going to happen of course but I need to get it out of my head. I am hoping to re read this one day and just cringe and say oh God was that me.

[Oliver2011]

It will happen, you just can't see that now.

Again 7 girlfriends in a relatively short period sounds to an outsider like me as if you are attaching yourself to anyone who gives you attention. If you can recognize this and slow things down then maybe your next selection will be a better longer lasting selection.

Question: Do you need to be in a relationship?

Ah man I just want her back. Well I want her to want me. Not going to happen of course but I need to get it out of my head. I am hoping to re read this one day and just cringe and say oh God was that me.

[talaniman]

Not all sparks catch fire, and you sure get attached fast and reattached as quickly. Is it fair to say being in a relationship is more the fact than who you are in a relationship with? Stay single and date many with no commitment, or titles, not even an agreement to be exclusive.

Date for fun, not just be available to be hooked up with. Sprinkle your own cake, for a long while the healing process works to its fullest. You are a serial rebounder with much baggage to unpack. You jump on anything that looks good on the surface, and can't let go and move on when it's not working. You have yet to find a person that works with you.

Your life is so perfect until you get in a relationship. You really do need a longer healing time to learn to look deeper, into yourself and choices and decisions. How long where you with the baby daddy? Married? Why did that relationship end? I think you have been trying to replace that comfort zone, to some how feel complete, and maybe you already are. You have to let sparks catch fire before you know if the flame can warm you.

[girl79]

I hate to say this but I think I do. It's not right. I was single for a year after my last break up and although I was happy and seeing other relationships having problems made me say I am glad I am single but I love having a girlfriend. Someone telling me they love me or will do little things for me just because they care. I love having someone to hold and to give little gifts to you know a little note or but a little present nothing expensive just a little thing from me to her even just a bar of chocolate anything... I hate being this person that needs a girlfriend now.

I got pregnant as a teenager. I was gay but was trying to hide it. Had sex with a guy and got pregnant. I knew I was gay and one day looked in the mirror and admitted it to myself I am gay but I am never going to tell anybody...

I didn't. Then when I was 21 a 29 year old came on to me. Texting me. I ended up in a relationship with her and got hit a lot then when I tried to leave she woold overdose or cut herself and I would go back..

Then a friend of hers tried to help me a 38 yeah old said I could stay in her house and be safe. I ended up in a relationship with her and it was so much worse. We broke up like once a month and she used death threats to make me go back. I stayed for over a year then went into hiding sort of just to be free of her. Moved hous changed my number...

I suppose my relationships just havens had time to get aw ay from me.

[talaniman]

Having read your other posts it's understandable after a week to be still grieving the loss of a recent relationship. It's only been a week, but you know that in time you will get over this because you have before.

I have to say I admire your willingness to take a risk despite past failures. There is an old saying, "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that's a prince." (or princess). Break up's suck, be they frogs or not!

[girl79]

Yeah they do. It's just that for the first time I was able to say that yes she's the one this is why I've had all these other people come in and out of my life this is why me and her met all them years ago and then went our separate ways it was to lead us back to each other. I was clearly wrong but man it seriously hurts like hell.
Then she's text me three times since last night. I love you very very much babe and I am sorry I never wanted to hurt u.

Good luck at the doctor today. Please let me know how you get on (I was only going for a check up on some treatment I had 4 years ago and I never find out the result for six weeks and she knows that)

Then

Hope your OK.

Why? Just why?

[Oliver2011]

I am gay as well and it took me a long time to find Mr. Right. But I am worth the wait and so was he. I would rather be single in hopes of finding the man of my dreams than jump from one bad relationship to another. But that is just me.

I've known others that have jumped from one relationship to another and always end up unhappy once the relationship runs it's course. That is not for me.

I hate to say this but I think I do. It's not right. I was single for a year after my last break up and although I was happy and seeing other relationships having problems made me say I am glad I am single but I love having a girlfriend. Someone telling me they love me or will do little things for me just because they care. I love having someone to hold and to give little gifts to you know a little note or but a little present nothing expensive just a little thing from me to her even just a bar of chocolate anything... I hate being this person that needs a girlfriend now.

[girl79]

I was happy to be single you know. I met her and she pursued me and I just thought it was fate or destiny or whatever... Or maybe I convinced myself it was. Just because our paths had crossed after so many years I had this romantic idea that it was our second chance. She even said to me I am so happy and I am not going to lose you again.. I know words are just words. But I loved hearing that and I believed it and wanted it so badly I was willing to ignore signs it just wasn't working I suppose. I am going in and out of denial here so must look like two different people writing posts on this.

[Oliver2011]

Please consider that this issue may all be on her - meaning she may start fast and furious with everyone and then cool off enough over a few weeks/months then break it off. That's on her and unfortunately she hurts people who are eager to have a lasting relationship through thick and thin.

Take your time next time and slow the relationship train down. Because I knew my current boyfriend was the perfect one for me, I made him wait and wait a long time before we got serious. That way he and I could really know each other and really work towards the same goal. Trust me lady, it is so worth it in the end.

Next time someone says I love you within the first few weeks or months in a dating situation, have your guard up.

I was happy to be single you know. I met her and she pursued me and I just thought it was fate or destiny or whatever... Or maybe I convinced myself it was. Just because our paths had crossed after so many years I had this romantic idea that it was our second chance. She even said to me I am so happy and I am not going to lose you again.. I know words are just words. But I loved hearing that and I believed it and wanted it so badly I was willing to ignore signs it just wasn't working I suppose. I am going in and out of denial here so must look like two different people writing posts on this.

[girl79]

Thanks I will. I am going around and around in my head and I'm just making myself worse.

[talaniman]

That's what we do when we have a hole in our soul and are miserable. Misery is just like a fart, more room out than in. Let it all out.

[girl79]

Haha nice description :-)

[girl79]

Ok I know you're all probably sick of me going on and on but here I go again..

Girlfriend dumps me after telling me I am her family, she loves me, wants to spend her future with me... Then says that although she meandering these things (days before she broke uo with me she was still telling me these things) but then she decided or discovered that although she meant everything she said, she didn't feel the things that she said.

She is sorry. She never meant to hurt me.

So if anyone has read my posts you'll know I am having a hard time with this. Denial, false hope, then I realise I won't get her back then I go back to denial and false hope again... My friend suggested counselling. I think I need it because this stuff just keeps on happening to me.

I don't make future plans. My exes have done that. Then realise oh actually no I don't want that now. One ex even changed her mind back and wanted me again but I didn't want her then... So I am obviously putting something out there that makes people do this. I am so cool and guarded then I start to believe and then once I do believe, it's not long before I am dumped...

In a counselling session, where do I start? What do I say? I know I can spill my its here but face to face I don't know if I can.


I am empty. I have just been broken up with.
Of course this is going to upset me but it has made me look back. I am 35 years old. Female. Gay. I had a daughter at 19.

I keep saying I was happy single. I don't think I was though. The longest I've been single is 11 months.

I was single for two ire three years after my daughter was born but that's because I was gay and trying to fight it by just being alone. If I'm not in a relationship I am not being gay. That was my thought.

I have had 6 relationships now with women in 12 years. Each one has left me heart broken and lonely.

They say you need to be happy with yourself before you're happy with another.

I was happy on paper. Friends think I am the most positive happy person they know. But no. I want and need to be in a relationship to be truly happy. Then I am happy for a time. But I worry they will leave me. Then they do leave me. I ask myself was I truly happy in that relationship anyway and the honest answer would be "well someimes, kinda." but I am still heat broken the love of my life has gone. Another one.

What can I do?

[Oliver2011]

You are in control of that. Think about it, if you would get busy with stuff your mind would be concentrating on what you are busy with instead of your current situation. Call a friend and go see the movie Her. It has an 8.5 out of 10 rating on IMDB. Sign up for tennis lessons. Join a gym. Take a class. Have some fun. You are allowed to do all of those things and all of those things will help.

Thanks I will. I am going around and around in my head and I'm just making myself worse.

[girl79]

Well I signed up to do my driver theory test and I've booked into counselling too. Also bought a dream catcher.

Deleted my Facebook page and her number (mind you I know it in my head) I've had texts today but ignored them. She reacted by trying to guilt me I think. Saying sorry to me and she deserves me deleting her from Facebook (I only deleted my page though until I feel ready to be on speaking terms with her after my feelings are gone), she said "i am so sorry babe for putting you through this hurt, i never intended it" she loves me and cares for me... I just ignored it. Last time I got into textng with her it led to what felt like her dumping me all over again .

[Oliver2011]

And WELCOME to the first steps towards your future.

You know just because you have had a change in your life you don't have to expect the results of that change to be bad. Many times it works out for the best. I have an example (which people on here are probably tired of me telling... )

I lost a job that I absolutely loved. I had a ton of friends there and just loved working for that company. I was there 14 years. I was devastated and depressed after losing that job. Three months later I got a new job at a new company. It was a good job but just wasn't the same. After breaking my ankle 18 months after I started the new job, my company moved me to a more central location so that I wouldn't have to crutch across the road. One day this guy held the door open for me. He was so beautiful that I almost fell off my crutches. Long story short that same guy and I are engaged to be married.

So the moral is change is not a bad things and sometimes works to be the best thing.

Well I signed up to do my driver theory test and I've booked into counselling too. Also bought a dream catcher.

Deleted my Facebook page and her number (mind you I know it in my head) I've had texts today but ignored them. She reacted by trying to guilt me I think. Saying sorry to me and she deserves me deleting her from Facebook (I only deleted my page though until I feel ready to be on speaking terms with her after my feelings are gone), she said "i am so sorry babe for putting you through this hurt, i never intended it" she loves me and cares for me... I just ignored it. Last time I got into textng with her it led to what felt like her dumping me all over again .