[n2life83]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. He's 44 and I'm 30. Both of us are ready for a family and we love each other. But there are problems that I foresee which I would like to prevent. But I'm not sure how to approach them with him.

Information on both of us

Careers: He's an engineer and makes great money, I'm an engineer too who hasn't been working in the business in 2 years so my money isn't great and I'm currently depending on him to make my ends meet.

Family: He left his family (parents, no siblings) in Pennsylvania to pursue that great paying contract job in California- where we met. I'm VERY close to my family (parents, 3 brothers, 1 little niece) in California.

Goals: he is VERY money oriented- He'll move anywhere if the pay is great. I'm VERY family oriented- as long as I can afford a decent and respectable life, I don't see a need to live further than 30 miles from my family.

Reality: His California contract job never turned into a permanent job and he was let go. In pursuit of the next great paying job he found one in Colorado. I quit my lousy paying job and went with him. In this economy, Colorado has more opportunities for engineers of my specialty so my aim is to get back into a good paying engineering job that can segue into an engineering job in California. I also came with him because I love him and would like to create a family with him.

Dilemma: We want children, but I want them in California near my family. Ive told him this and he refuses to promise we'll return to California, he doesn't even say we'll TRY to return. He says WE (me, him, and future kids) have to stay where the money is. I understand his need to feel financially secure and I understand he does this for his future kids. He wants to pass on to his kids his formula to happiness which is "money". I want to pass on to my kids my formula to happiness which is "balance" (of family and money). I feel I'm giving up too much of what is important to me. Is there a way of convincing him to see my side? Or a happy medium? I'm putting off getting pregnant until I can find peace in a plan.

[Jake2008]

I have to pat you on the back for thinking about just where this relationship is headed. After a year and a half, you have a pretty good idea how un flexible he is, and how far he is willing to go to fairly consider your feelings and concerns, and adjust his life accordingly. You having to go 100% in his direction, is terribly unfair, and unreasonable.

You are not dependent on him, and nor has the relationship reached a married state. I hope that you will consider that the marriage should be done before any children, or are you willing to compromise that as well.

You run so many risks, of having to be dependent upon him, for your own employment opportunities. If he gets a good job 'where the money is', you are going to have to go his way- or what will happen. Clearly he has stated by his conversations with you, and his actions, that he will not compromise, and will move if it suits him. So where does that leave you.

To give up your future, professionally, and/or to keep starting your working life over and over again (potentially), will leave you unfulfilled and unhappy.

There is no way around the fact that he considers his needs and wants come first. Your needs and wants come after that, and after that, any children and a family life are at the bottom.

I would not risk my future, my employment, my family, and any children, to go on a one-way street with this boyfriend of yours. It does not sound to me like he is ready to settle down, get married, start a family, and build a life that will work for all concerned.

Again, good for you for questioning this relationship.

[talaniman]

I doubt you will ever convince him of any compromise that works for you. He is unwilling to compromise, so not getting pregnant is a wise decision. He really leaves you no choice but to go along with his program. He leads, you follow and have his babies. Wherever. You have had a preview of life with him.

Careers: He's an engineer and makes great money, I'm an engineer too who hasn't been working in the business in 2 years so my money isn't great and I'm currently depending on him to make my ends meet.

This talk of a mutual future only masks the reality of a temporary business arrangement, a mean to an end, and will not result in you achieving your goals, or bring either of you happiness, unless one of you relents. I doubt he does. If you cannot work out the details, don't get married. If you don't get married, don't have children. Keep talking together, or follow your separate paths apart if you cannot mutually agree on a life path that benefits you both.

[n2life83]

Thank You Jake2008 and Talaniman- sorry I didn't respond to you earlier but I did see both your messages and kept both your advice in mind. As I mentioned in my original post I am living in Colorado with my boyfriend. Well that hasn't changed however I have found great comfort in a plan I've devised for myself.

I've decided that I'm not going to let him decide my future instead I will leave that to my career. I am currently looking for a job both in Colorado and California. Whichever job comes up first I will go or be there. In the meantime I will try to work things out with my boyfriend in case the job turns out to be in Colorado.

We still fight. Just not as much as when I first posted on here. My main problem is that he always insist on things going 100% his way while he expects me to accommodate or give in. Also he's very childish and insensitive while he's inconsiderate of me. We had a fight last night over a box that he refused to pick up. It was petty- however it did lead to his admission of why he's prioritizing his money. He says that when he was younger he wasn't so financially responsible so now he has to make up for a lot so that he can have children and retire at a normal age. I can understand that. But if I go along, it still doesn't change the ongoing theme that he gets 100% what he wants and I have to accommodate him. I told him it would be much easier for me to swallow if we can find a viable and fair way for my family to come and stay with us often in Colorado or for me and the children to go to California. He agreed. We left it at that.

[Oliver2011]

Did you ever tell us how long you two have been together? I think it's important here. I would guess you have been together a while from what you have said. People scare me when they talk about forever after 2 or 3 months. I don't see that being the case here.

Moving can be exciting but relationships are all about compromise. I really hope you two can find one. I am engaged to an engineer as well.

Thank You Jake2008 and Talaniman- sorry I didn't respond to you earlier but I did see both your messages and kept both your advice in mind. As I mentioned in my original post I am living in Colorado with my boyfriend. Well that hasn't changed however I have found great comfort in a plan I've devised for myself.

I've decided that I'm not going to let him decide my future instead I will leave that to my career. I am currently looking for a job both in Colorado and California. Whichever job comes up first I will go or be there. In the meantime I will try to work things out with my boyfriend in case the job turns out to be in Colorado.

We still fight. Just not as much as when I first posted on here. My main problem is that he always insist on things going 100% his way while he expects me to accommodate or give in. Also he's very childish and insensitive while he's inconsiderate of me. We had a fight last night over a box that he refused to pick up. It was petty- however it did lead to his admission of why he's prioritizing his money. He says that when he was younger he wasn't so financially responsible so now he has to make up for a lot so that he can have children and retire at a normal age. I can understand that. But if I go along, it still doesn't change the ongoing theme that he gets 100% what he wants and I have to accommodate him. I told him it would be much easier for me to swallow if we can find a viable and fair way for my family to come and stay with us often in Colorado or for me and the children to go to California. He agreed. We left it at that.

[n2life83]

I'm not sure if I should start a new question but I figure I should just continue it here since the background information is already provided.

I told boyfriend that we still have a lot of work to do on our relationship. The box incident is a prime example of this problem. 3 days ago, he bought a new coffee maker for himself (I don't drink coffee) he set up his coffee maker, and made a mess- all in the process of making a. Single. Cup of coffee. I pointed it out to him and of all the things he left, I asked him to throw out the box, I took care of the rest. I asked and pleaded 9x over the course of 2 days. Until I blew up last night. Yes, I yelled- a lot.

I said: Ive asked you nicely about that box. We're not going to the gym until you put away the box.
So he said: fine, I won't go to the gym tonight, I'll rent my own car tomorrow. (We have 1 car and it's mine)
I said: you're willing to pay unnecessary $150 a week just so you don't have to pick up a box?
He said: yes, to stop you from using your car as leverage.

I wanted us to continue with our gym plans and have this be over with- but I was so frustrated I kicked the box outside for the trash ladies to pickup and that dirty sweaty shirt he had on the floor- I threw it by the bathroom. He thought I threw the shirt out with the box so he started yelling back- proclaiming that was his favorite shirt (total BS). He said phrases like "You're not going to win". He made a big stink about the shirt and I made a big stink about how it's BS that it's suddenly his favorite shirt. Finally we calmed down.

He said I can't use the car as leverage, I said I wasn't trying to. He said I can't throw his stuff out, I said the shirt's not even outside. I said we're both engineers- we're both problem solvers- why can't you offer solutions instead of creating problems?Why is it when I do create a problem, I feel bad and am willing to stop. Example: I could've been the who let you waste $150 on a car rental but I didn't. Why is it- in my own search for solutions- I'm always accommodating you?

I wanted him to know and understand just how much I accommodate him. In everything.
1. I've never once asked him to do dishes. I'm willing to wash, dry, and put away all the dishes all he has to do is put his dirty dishes in the sink.
2. Before we moved in together I observed he would take his dirty laundry to a cleaner and pay $21-$26 for a single bag of washed and folded clothes. So I began doing it for him. I'm willing to wash, stain remove, dry, fold, hang and put away all of his clothes if only he separated his clean from dirty and put dirty IN the hamper.
3. We go to the gym together. When he decided to increase his gym time, which delayed our meal, I was left very hungry (and y) after my workout having to wait until he gets done so that we can eat. I accommodated his schedule by packing some snacks and I still wait till he's done.
4. I'm willing to take out the trash, I just wish he actually put trash in the trash bin. To ease that for him I strategically place our trash bins where he's most likely to leave trash. It's still too hard for him.
5. I've never asked him to sweep, mop, or vacuum the floors. Except for one time I asked him to mop the 5'x8' bathroom, which he refused ardently.

And his answer to it all is that he works, I don't, therefore I should do all our housework.

Side Story: I'm not über feminist but I like fairness. I really was that girl who mowed the lawn and trimmed the hedges with my younger brother; laid bricks with my mom; welded the iron fence, painted, and installed it with my older bro's and dad (he was a professional welder).

I told my boyfriend that I like variety too, I get tired of doing the same domestic work. I like working as a team. I understand I'm more organized than him so I don't expect him to do things exactly like I want it, but I do expect some level of cooperation.
I'm not sure if he grasped any of my feelings. He didn't back off his "I work, you don't" position. And his answer to my question of "what are we going to do?" was: "We'll see what you do next", and "my reactions will depend on your actions". He takes zero ownership of the problems and minimizes it to simply being MY problem. Or he focuses on that he thinks I treat him like a child because I withhold the car, or the time I threw away a bag with 2 tortillas because he didn't put them away. I asked, don't you see how much this bothers me? And you don't see it as your problem so you just don't care?

I told him: If you keep treating our relationship like a game and saying things like "you're not going to win", and "my reactions depend on your actions"... then we're not going to make it.

[n2life83]

Oliver, I'm not sure if you're able to see older messages but in my original post on 1/20/14 I said we were together for a year and a half. ThanksIfor your response, I too hope we can compromise. I'm emotionally, mentally, and physically getting ready in case he continues to demonstrate we can't. That's why I decided to let my career decide, rather than him.

[talaniman]

I can understand you letting the process play itself out. It is what it is until something better comes along. If it doesn't then you will have to make a decision on how you will make it better. Interesting how he wants a division of labor, and you want shared responsibility. Typical power struggle.

The sad part I think is you have one foot out the door, and just need the chance to get the other foot under you to stand for yourself without him. I think he knows you can leave at anytime, yet won't change nor should he. Long as you know you are half the problem, and you need him a lot more than he needs you. So no more of this what you do for HIM. Truth is you do it for the place to stay until a better plan emerges and you both realize you don't even want each other. I mean it looks good on paper only but you just delay the inevitable.

You will never appreciate one another, and sorry to be harsh but you both are wasting each others time. That's a shame, and its sad. But in the world of use and be used, it makes perfect sense.

[talaniman]

No need to start another post, be patient and others will be along to add input. Just curios if these two guys are the same?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/addict...ne-751071.html

[n2life83]

I suppose you're right. I used to do things for him like cook meals special for him because he was on a specific diet, organize because I like a neat home. And when he messed up the neatness, I didn't mind as much because I had friends and family to distract me. But the moment I found myself selling my belongings to move to Colorado with him my perspective changed. I was dependent on a person I don't fully trust. He's doesn't want to help me. I wish it was different.

Yes, it's the same guy. His habit slowed down. Either that or he's hiding it from me. Since we moved to Colorado he hasn't done it. Over a month and a half ago. I'm afraid he's just going to find "his guy" in this area from whom to pickup his habit. Personally, I think the only reason he stopped is because he wants to be fresh and perky for his work outs.

[talaniman]

You have tried this experiment, and its not working. Now be honest you have overstayed your welcome and are stranded. Keep cleaning house until you decide to un-strand yourself and do better.

Don't expect anything other than earning your keep.

[n2life83]

I don't really need to earn my keep. He only buys my food occasionally and the motel we stay in. Everything else of mine I pay, including occasional meals and the car he drives (payments, insurance, gas). I don't mind him using the car, what I mind is his deliberate excuses whenever I ask him to do anything. On the other hand his expectations for me to do what he wants the very moment he asks (I.e spot treat his shirt, make multiple trips to unload the groceries because as he puts it "he's old and comfy in bed"). And I do, if not right away I keep it in mind to be done within the hour- not 3 days. At this point, as I'm working on moving on, he's likely letting things fall apart too. I wouldn't doubt it.