[gingersjoy]

Our Grand daughter age 21 has lived with us 2 yrs now. Her mom is in Afghanastan for her second tour of duty. Her father has been married 3 times, he drinks and smokes pot. In the 2 yrs our grand daughter has lived with us we have seen much growth from being a street kid in her past. She and her dad fight off and on when they are together. She is in school getting her diploma and working at a 7-11 store. We have seen her maturing in all but a major area. When you try to teach her something she is rude (probably due to low self esteem). I have told her to leave once and she was gone for 2 weeks. She returned and apologized and was very caring and helpful. After a few months she was doing great until yesterday. We were discussing her tattos and I asked if she was getting any more. I tried to tell her she was limiting choices in life with this. She was rude and when I told her to shut up as she was becoming really rude (hoping she would stop) she just yelled at me to shut up . I told her it was time to go again and she said she did not have to go. It was not nice. My husband came in and I left the room. We agreed he would talk to her. The next day she apologized but said she does not understand how she was disprectful and rude. I love her deeply and do not want her life to be in and out of relationships with this type of behavior. With other nine grandkids I do not have any other problems with.
I think she is street kid and treats us as a equal to her. Any comments to help me when this occurs again? THANK YOU.

[joypulv]

She does have to go if you tell her to. Technically she can force you to evict her, and how long that takes and how it's done varies by state.
Her parents' lives aren't really applicable now. I was gone gone gone when I left high school. It never would have occurred to me to stay at home. I realize this varies by family, but I think it's the norm.

This is aside from how I feel about your arguments. Generally I feel that it's your house and you get to set the rules. That doesn't mean I think an adult should tell a young adult child to shut up, and have a double standard about getting the same in return. I'd also leave her alone to make decisions about things like tattoos. She's struggling with school and a job and the constant dilemmas of being both child and adult. I'd stay with RULES of the HOME and leave it at that - hours, quiet, cleanliness, chores, chipping in money.

Good luck. Of course it isn't easy. I'd tell her to be careful because the next time she is kicked out, it's for good. And you have to mean it.

[Cat1864]

One thing to make certain of is that you aren't comparing her to her cousins. Each one is an individual and deserves to thought of and treated as such.

Sometimes, we don't mean to but we sabotage getting what we want. You want her to be respectful and listen to you. You say that she had been doing better for months. So she was improving, then what happened? You chose to put her on the defensive about a life choice she has made. You might call it teaching her something, but to her it probably felt more like an attack. Like she isn't good enough.

When she asked, did you explain why you thought she was rude and disrespectful? That is a teaching moment for both of you especially if you listened to her. 'Teaching' a 21 year old is very different from telling a 12 year old what to do and expecting it to be done your way.

If you have household rules that everyone follows, then expect her to follow them.

On rules that apply only to her due to age and being single, be a bit more flexible. Remember that she needs to be able to stand up for herself at times even to you. While you may find it disrespectful, it is part of becoming an independent adult. You do want her to be able to stand up for herself in the workplace and relationships, don't you? What you need to look at is encouraging her to be tactful and diplomatic when telling someone to back-off. That listening to the other person explain their viewpoint isn't a personal attack on her.

You seem to be looking for the 'street kid' inside a young woman who is trying to turn her life around. If you keep looking for it, you will find it. Look for the stronger and healthier woman she is becoming. Remember that she is learning from you how to be a woman. Those lessons are given every minute of every day whether you realize it or not.