[toddcandi]

Hello. My boyfriend has a 12 year old son. Lately we have been racking our brains trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation we
are currently in.

Here's the deal: His son, W, lives with us one week and his mom the next and so on. For the past 7 months he has only been at his moms
because she is throwing one of her fits, it's not the first time. We've just recently started getting things closer to getting back to normal. And we have recently discovered that all the rules we had in place for him when it came to video games, internet, his cell phone were thrown out the window, by his mom. We found that he had downloaded 5 sex-related apps on his iPhone (I had a feeling we should have gone with a more basic phone). Anyway this points out two things to us, one he is no longer making wise decisions in regards to his technological freedom, and two MOM ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION. I also found a couple pictures on his phone, both meme style, two have the f word on them, and one is a questionable meme that might have something to do with rear end sexual something. By the sounds of it he spends the majority of his free time on the Xbox or the internet. He stays home alone regularly so I can only imagine what sorts of things he is doing online, we have no clue.

So because she is trying to control everything right now it is going to be hard to reinstate our old rules for him. So this brings me here,
we are hoping for some tips. One idea I had was to get My Mobile Watchdog. This way we can monitor what he's doing. We're not sure switching his phone for a more basic one is the right thing to do at this point, because we feel that he will just find these things somewhere else. With something like My Mobile Watchdog maybe we could see if he learns his lesson after we talk to him. What do you think?

I know some of you will suggest talking to his mother. Neither his father nor I feel that that will get us anywhere. We have never felt that she makes the best decisions when it comes to these things. For example when W was 7 his favorite movie was The Ladies Man. Now I've never seen it, but when I looked it up on IMDb I felt it was not an appropriate movie for children to be watching. But that's the norm in her house. And we've tried to talk to her before, like suggesting that she be more careful as to what W sees when he is with her. These talks either result in pissed off angry silence or loud angry tantrums. And things stay the way they always were. If we could have him home with us all the time this would be so much easier, but obviously life is never that easy. Any ideas you have at all would be much appreciated. We are going to be discussing this further this weekend and then having a talk with W next week, we hope.

[cdad]

If you pay for the phone then call the provider and put parental controls in place. It is natural for a boy to be curious but you have to draw lines so it doesnt turn into an adiction or obsession. Also be mindful that the Xbox may also have the ability to go online. If he can't control himself then its up to the parents to control his world.

If she (his mother) continues to refuse to do what is right and appropriate then hes will have to go to court and ask for a custody change. Also you should never make statements about movies just by going to a website. The proper thing would be to watch it as it may provide insight as well as talking points when you have to discuss things about why it isnt appropriate.

[Jake2008]

Most 12 year old boys are heading into that area of sexual curiosity, let's say, and often parents are shocked to find out their son is visiting porn sites, and wonder how to stop it, and/or punish this behavior, and/or stop it completely. Most parents would probably agree that using the hammer only means that they will see this stuff on their friends' computers or phones. It's no secret. This is what they do.

Kids this age are also well aware, that playing one parent off against the other, is effective in getting what they want. This 12 year old also knows there is a problem between his dad and you, and his mother. All that provides sometimes is more opportunity.

If you aren't talking to his mother, your only truth, what you are basing this problem on, is your step-son. How much can you trust what he says, to either household, and how much can you base your opinions of his mother on.

There is no way around this except to speak to his mother. More importantly, your husband and his ex wife, need to discuss their son if she is not willing to have you involved. It is too bad that all the adults in this kids life can't get together and hash this out for the sake of this child, but the mother probably feels it's two against one. There are ways to solve this- mediation for one.

The two of them have to be on some level playing field with regard to parenting, and to be consistent from one week to the next. As soon as this kid leaves his mom's home, he's in an entirely different place than what he left (if what he says is true). Same works when he leaves your home- he knows the difference in the rules, the inconsistency, and all the adults involved, and it's easy for him to say, and do, whatever he wants.

Why not try and allow some communication between your husband, and his ex wife. Why not suggest to him, that the efforts he makes now, with or without you, will go a long way in ensuring his son's emotional well being. Without the parents making changes, together, this will become a far bigger issue than a kid and porn.

[toddcandi]

I agree with both of you completely.

To Jake2008, I wish wish wish we could all be on the same page as the parents in this child's life. My boyfriend has talked to her time and time again, and I've talked to her a little about how we feel its important to be on the same page in how we parent W. Her answer has always been the same, You do what you want at your house I'll do what I want at mine.

To cdad, we know that the xbox can go online, and that he uses that part of it regularly. But that's all done at her house and she has told us that she wants to raise him the way she was raised, which basically is damn near limitless. As far as the court thing goes we are dealing with that. My boyfriend went downtown issued a paper that was to be delivered to her door stating that she either needs to obey the custody agreement or go to court. This was in late October we haven't heard a thing about it. Another thing is that all in all she could be a much worse mother, and unless she becomes much worse my boyfriend does not feel that it would be right to take W away from his mom. This makes me proud of him, but I have suggested getting more custody control, but he is such a reserved shy person its hard for him to even think about the headache that would cause. W is really a pretty good kid. Before his mom took him away this time he was doing real well in school and at home.

And again to jake2008, I have a whole bunch of information and experiences to base my opinion of her on. The movie thing is just the tip of the ice burg. I have heard the stories from my boyfriend, which I know there are two sides, but I obviously will side with him a little more at very least. I have heard the stories from W. He's told me that he knows that his mom won't ever hold a promise to him because she never has. That is a fairly typical thing to hear from him about her. I've dealt with her myself and have caught her in a number of lies. We live in a small town, and I have had numerous people be talking to me saying things like "oh your with him now? oh that's good I never liked her." or "I worked with her at the nursing home, she was more interested in showing off her fake tits and socializing than in the people she was supposed to be taking care of" the list goes on and on.

Biggest thing here is this, I have always always tried to be open with her and to always communicate what was going on with W when we had him. She told me numerous times that she appreciates this because his dad doesn't communicate all that well (theres more too it). I always asked her if certain things were OK, if she wanted help we were here and so on. Well she was all happy about that for years, somewhat on and off, then all of a sudden she's pissed about everything. Everything we do is wrong and now we can't have W anymore that he's just going to stay with her and her new husband. And now we're hearing from people that are around them a lot that her new husband is pushing the father thing on him a lot and that she seems totally fine with that.

[cdad]

It is a bit confusing when you say they have split custody and then in your last post you state that your not allowed to see him. What do the current court orders say and if she is not following them then he needs to ascert himself through the courts and correct it. If she has seemingly changed it might be because of whatever papers she had gotten from the October surprise. What did he file back then ?

[toddcandi]

Cdad, the court documents state that she has 51% custody and he has 49%. The papers he filed in October (which we haven't heard anything back on yet) were to make her follow to custody agreement. She is currently withholding his son from him by the sounds of it because of jealousy & something to do with having a husband now. This is not the first time that she has taken his son away from him. She does not go through the courts to do so, she just simply starts a fight and refuses to follow the agreement.
Like I said he filed the papers in October to end this & the court is seemingly not doing as it is supposed too. Typical justice system.
If you have suggestions as to what would be a good course of action to take on this, we'd gladly hear it. He is hoping to handle this in a quiet-as-possible manner so as not to stress his son or himself out as much as possible.

[cdad]

In situations like this with forced issues stress is part of it. If he has a custody order that states the child is with him then he needs to go pick up the child. If she refuses he quietly walks away and calls the police. They can go there and assist in picking up the child as she is guilty of kidnapping if she refuses.

As far as the courts are concerned Im not sure yet what was filed or how. He would have filed a motion and with it ask the courts for specific relief. From there they would grant a court date and he would have to have her served with the papers. At the hearing a decision would be made. He also can ask for relief because of contempt of court and state his reasons why. If she is not following court orders and has no reason other then spite the courts will do something about it but simply filing papers doesnt really do anything. It has to be followed through. This is one situation where he really needs to grow a spine and take care of business.