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jinka · Jan 13, 2014, 08:52 AM

We started when we were 18 years now I'm 28. We have been having a long distance relationship for two years. We are of different religions while his parents are strictly against us getting married, mine have been quite supportive, and we are to be married soon. Though he says he ll get married to me, he has been delaying it for a while and finally took a stand after my parents called him, but now he ignores me and takes me for granted. He never answers my calls, he says that he would call back in a minute, but he usually doesn't. I have to call like a maniac before he takes pity on me and picks up, yet when I stop calling him altogether he calls back after few days. Once even even two weeks. We fight so much that we have begun to start questioning our future. These days he says he feels like a traitor cause he would be cheating his parents if he got married to me. If I ask him to get out of my life, he calls me again. What should I do??

maintofaustin · Jan 13, 2014, 11:39 AM

It sounds to me like he's not going to go against his parents' wishes in the final analysis. It also sounds like, frankly, he'd make a pretty miserable husband. You can do better. As much as I hate to say this, I suggest you make a clean break. If you need to, change your phone number and email address. Refuse all communications.

talaniman · Jan 13, 2014, 01:59 PM

He isn't bored, he is caught between you and his parents. It's YOU that should be bored of this 10 year battle. I see no resolution has worked and you have wasted enough time on this. It's your time though to keep wasting.

Homegirl 50 · Jan 15, 2014, 10:24 AM

This has been going on for 10 years I think it's time you get out of this mess.
He does not want to go against his parents and you have wasted enough time.

jinka · Mar 6, 2014, 09:50 AM

He was my best friend of 10 yrs and then so much more. Our relationship took its first beating when joined separate colleges to do our post graduation. Soon after he seemed to be smitten by a girl whom he described to me as an angel. He used to spend so much time with her calling her at night while avoiding my calls and attempts to talk to me which he admitted to me later. I even saw texts which he had sent her calling her baby and telling her she was really attractive, around the same time I caught him flirting with a couple of girls on FB. I saw messages he had sent again calling them endearments. Telling them that I am a possessive girlfriend that he would have hooked up with her if it hadn't been for me. He also lied about us being on the verge of break up though he had given me no indication. I was heartbroken. I never thought he was even capable of such behavior. When I confronted him he apologized, said it meant nothing, but just wanted to flirt to make him feel better about himself as he was in a new place under a lot of stress. I decided to let things go. This was two years ago.

In the last year we had great times together. Once when he came to visit me, and twice when I visited him in his college. He's so caring and loving to me when we are together showering me with expensive gifts and affection. He has even helped me financially when I was short. Then I forced him to get married to me. We were to elope as his side is dead against getting married to me. which was a big mistake, but it was important for me to legalize this. He agreed but then he started avoiding me even more he wouldn't call me everyday. Maybe like once in three days, he said he was busy. If I tried to call him he wouldn't pick up. If we had an argument he would switch off his phone, called me a psycho cause I used to keep calling until he picked up, but I was so hurt I wanted to cling on him.

He said he feels like he s cheating his parents and that me acting like this is making him regret his decision. My self esteem hit an all time low. I tried to give him space by not calling him. He would call back after about 10 to 14 days, but even those were so half hearted, so I called it off, cut him off, and changed my number since two weeks. It just wasn't feeling right, but I feel so damn lonely and bereft without him by my side. Just hearing his voice would make my day brighter and like everything would be all right. He was my biggest strength. I am hardly able to make it through the day, cause I was so emotionally, physically, and materialistically dependent on him. I don't know how I'll make it through this life. I know I was far from perfect, maybe I didn't give him enough space, but I did love him, and has always been faithful to him.

As pathetic as it sounds I secretly hope he comes for me. I don't think I can live without him in my life and I don't think I can ever be happy again.

Oliver2011 · Mar 6, 2014, 10:35 AM

"Where did I go wrong??" Reread what you wrote and you will understand what you did wrong. Clingy and obsessive and possessive behaviors are not attractive and they certainly aren't a definition of love. Generally speaking those behaviors would chase any guy away.

"I don't think I can live without him in my life... and I don't think I can ever be happy again..." You don't have a choice. It takes two people to have a relationship and you only have one. Learn from this and don't make the same mistakes with the next guy. And you can never force someone to get married. Don't rely on others, whether it is a boyfriend or just a friend, for your happiness. You can't find it in other people.

Homegirl 50 · Mar 11, 2014, 03:43 PM

You did a lot of things wrong. You are controlling possessive, how do you make someone marry you?
Get some counseling to help you with this obsessive control and leave this guy alone.

smoothy · Mar 11, 2014, 04:33 PM

Originally Posted by jinka

We started when we were 18 years now I'm 28. We have been having a long distance relationship for two years. We are of different religions while his parents are strictly against us getting married, mine have been quite supportive, and we are to be married soon. Though he says he ll get married to me, he has been delaying it for a while and finally took a stand after my parents called him, but now he ignores me and takes me for granted. He never answers my calls, he says that he would call back in a minute, but he usually doesn't. I have to call like a maniac before he takes pity on me and picks up, yet when I stop calling him altogether he calls back after few days. Once even even two weeks. We fight so much that we have begun to start questioning our future. These days he says he feels like a traitor cause he would be cheating his parents if he got married to me. If I ask him to get out of my life, he calls me again. What should I do??

Um.. if I had to put up with that... I'd become really distant too. If I fought all the time... I would most certainly NOT be getting married either. I've walked out on better relationships than this.

Seriously if you are fighting all the time now.....why do you think it would miraculously stop just because you got married? If anything it would get far worse.

talaniman · Mar 11, 2014, 04:51 PM

You tried to make a spoiled mama boy who couldn't go against his parents, go against his parents. You tried for 10 years and we all do things wrong, but cutting him off was the best thing you could have done.

Now you must heal from this 10 year torture and that will take time. Eventually you will see reality and find happiness, after you have gone through the process of grief, and healing. Sorry there is no easier, softer way. It will get worse, before it gets better.

carolmonroe38 · Mar 20, 2014, 12:33 PM

I understand why you're becoming more possessive and jealous. He's pulling away and is trying to end your relationship by ignoring you. He's waiting for you to break it off with him so he can be nonconfrontational and be the good guy and you're the crazy ex.

He sounds like he's from a traditional family and that's why he's listening to his parents. Once they dislike you, it's forever. My mother-in-law has hated me for 26 years. If anything, she hates me more now than before. I've tried to cajole her but she thinks of me as a second class citizen because I'm a woman, avoid her and then she backstabs me, when the kids were born she ignored them the first three months, and treats me like a brainless child whose opinions don't matter. She's a narcissist because she was a beautiful woman when she was younger (and she still is), and has OCD. I swear she still tells her sons who are in their late 50s to early 60s how to wipe. TMI but it drives my point home.

In your case, his parents want you to be a different person. Even if they wrote a long list and you complied, they would still dislike you because you didn't start out being the person they wanted for their son.

As for your boyfriend, he's a coward for not letting you know what his intentions are. I'm sorry this so difficult for you. It's unfair he won't give you closure. Please don't let him mistreat you anymore by keeping in contact with him. You'll find someone else whom you'll have more in common with and who won't treat you this way. Good luck.