[craig124]

I'm dating Jess's best friend. I was at a party and before it started we joked about having a 3 some with Noel and my best friend Matt, Jess started the conversation. So anyway we drank tons that night and after a while I noticed Jess's hands were always touching me. This kind of pissed me off so I kept moving away but she kept coming, so I got angry and went upstairs to sleep (I could barely walk).

So I'm passed out in the bed and Jess and Noel come upstairs to check on me. I say I'm fine and just want to sleep so they leave and I pass out again. Now I wake up and hands are all over me and I realize that Jess and Noel are in bed one on each side. I'm confused and tell them to fudge off and let me sleep. So I roll over on my tummy but they flipped me back over on my back and kept feeling me up. I kept turning but no use, and then I passed out half way through them taking my pants off. Then I wake and see there's a condom on me, so I freak out and kick the guy out and threaten to scream so he leaves and the girl stayed

I can’t change this and I don't want sympathy it’s happened, it’s done. What I'm asking is how I should act around Noel? Everyone knows about the girl, only matt, my ex girlfriend now, due to this event, -.- and a few people who I trust my life with know. My friend group is tightly knit and I don't want to destroy it, but I can’t avoid him no matter how much I try, so should I leave my group, tell me group pretend it didn’t happen?? I don't know which to do and its destroying me. Please help, just how should I fix this?

[Alty]

Your post is a bit confusing. So you were raped by this girl? If so, why are you asking about the guy that left and didn't rape you? Are you still friends with the girl you claim raped you?

Also, if you were as drunk as you say you were, how did you get, much less maintain, an erection?

You really need to be a bit clearer with your post. Remember that we have no idea who these people are, and all the names you mentioned could be male or female. Also, you said you're dating Jess's best friend. I thought she broke up with you. Are you dating someone new now?

Your post isn't making a lot of sense at all. If you could clear up the few things I mentioned, maybe we would be better able to help you.

[Fr_Chuck]

I have no idea if someone raped you, though penetration or if you are a guy (sounds like it) and somehow got an erection, wile totally drunk ( not really normal or possible) and think you had sex with someone.

But with that said, your post made no sense.

1. you are no longer friends with either of the people who did this.
2. you learn a lesson about being so drunk that you pass out at a party
All horror stories normally start, we were out drinking and .>>>>
You never hear them say, were were drinking cokes and this or that happened.
3. it appears you are sexually active, so why is having sex with someone such a big deal.
4. it appears you really do not remember what exactly happened anyway

[Oliver2011]

I agree - way too confusing.

Sexually active people + mucho alcohol = a huge potential for bad behaviors. Live and learn.

[Synnen]

If you were raped or sexually assaulted, these are not your friends.

Drinking or not, it was NOT your fault. You clearly said no. I hate the blame the victim game for drinking or walking outside or wearing certain clothes or whatever.

You tell your whole group what happened, and you file a police report. It is unlikely at this point that you would be able to prosecute--rape cases are always tricky and I don't think that you would have enough evidence beyond "he said/she said"--but you still file the report.

And please--get yourself some counseling. Rape is traumatic. You should not have to navigate all the emotions by yourself.

[craig124]

just like Most horror storys start- I drank tons and yeah yeah I get it "when u drink you dont get a erection " but I did, I'm feeling outrageously deppressed mostly pissed and I seriously want revenge, but sucidal thoughts is mixing in and I know its all a bad idea, so here's the story- I want your advice I want to know what you would do in my situation, I'm 18.

So I drank at girl 1 party it was fun and then my best friend and my gay friend (boy 1) are talking, girl 1 jokes around about a 3 some with boy 1 and me and my best friend, she dident include her self, so we dident think much of this- the night goes on more drinks more intoxications (wow I sound gehhto but I'm not I'm legit white and nerdy) anyway I notice girl 1 is putting her arm around me a lot and it kind of starts to piss me off, so I move away and she just repeats - so then I figure I'm getting judged too much and I can hardly walk so I go up stairs and sleep, girl 1 and boy 1 comes in to check on me they get me water and I pass out (I was passed out when they came in first as well) so they I'm talking to someone and they say they are leaveing because I keep falling asleep, so then boy 1 and girl 1 both come in and I wake up because I feel them crawl into bed one on each side, so they start feeling me up and I'm saying "duuuuddee off just let me sleep UGH" and like I roll over on my belly but they both keep fliping me, I passed out and woke up with my pants off, yeah it felt good I'm not going to lie (I never stuck it in just BJ and I know this is not a horrible rape story but its ing ruining my relationships that I have built) so then I finally realize that one of the two mouths was a guy so I pushed him off, he kept comeing back but like it wasent a big strugglle just semi, so then he took out a condom and I freaked out when I felt it I started asking really loudly " wtf is this a condom wut are you doing to me!" he got scared because it was loud and most of people were sleeping, so he left but the girl stayed... and well, she continued... I talked to boy 1 before I left, he's part of my tightly knit social group, and I hate his guts now I can't stand looking at him or it just replays, I need to avoid him but my friends are so close... its hard everyone knows about the girl, but no one knows about the guy- should I tell the group what happened and try to remdy it? Should I leave the group, no cops that's not me he ed up but... that shouldn't decide his life. I called kids help phone but there advice is too... formal I guess?

My friends are close, there's only 7 of us and we are always together, I have a hard time likeing anyone else so I don't know what I should do.

Please don't judge me.

[joypulv]

I don't put this in the category of rape. You still aren't clear about the girl who 'continued' after the guy left. So far I'm reading that they performed oral sex on you.
You were taken advantage of. You allowed some of it to happen, and to continue. You had the choice of shouting some more, and even leaving. If you can shout and get an erection, you can stop this from continuing. You weren't truly 'passed out' either, because you woke up easily enough. Passed out drunks don't wake up.

I do know what it's like to be drunk, and I'm sympathetic, but I'm not quite getting how horribly depressed and suicidal you are. TELL the two people involved that you are angry and hurt and don't want any more to do with them. There's no reason to dump all your friends, is there? Do they require that you accept these two as part of the group?

[Fr_Chuck]

I guess the issue is, if it was just the girl, you would have been OK with it, since you allowed her to continue ? I will assume you had sex with her. Actual intercourse. At least she was using a condom.

Again, if they continued when you said no, it was a sexual assault. As for the girl, sorry but it sounds like you did not have a real issue with her. So you had sex??

As for the guy, so he is not your friend, or you have strange friendships. You tell him that you will not talk to him again, and tell him to leave if he is around you in group. Tell group what he did, this is his bad, not yours.

[Synnen]

So you're letting your world fall apart because you won't speak up about EXACTLY what happened with your friends? You tell your whole group the WHOLE story, and let them blame the right people.

And sorry--you DO go to the cops. If he "messed up" with you, he could do it to someone else too.

Go to your doctor. Tell him/her what happened (you should be screened for STDs anyway, condom or not) and as for a referral to a rape counselor.

[Oliver2011]

I agree with Joy as in I don't put this in the rape category either. You were taken advantage of. Should they have done that - no. Should you let it ruin your life - no.

Bad things happen to people all the time. The part you need to work on and develop is how you react to those bad things. And you have several options where that is concerned. Some are very poor options and would leave you the victim. Others are positive options which would move you passed this. If your friends group is as tight as you say and you want it to remain that way, then choose to move yourself forward from this. There's nothing wrong with you talking one on one with the perpetrator and telling him how much you didn't appreciate what he did and to not do it again. It's not worth a punch or even you losing your temper over.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

You weren't raped, just angry and ashamed a gay guy got in on the orgy while you all were in a drunken stupor. You seem to be fine with the rest of it, so share the blame and responsibility for getting drunk in this so called tight knit group, which obviously is not responsible at all. They all took advantage of you and all are equally responsible for what happened so own your part and let them own theirs. The whole group should know what happened, so they are all aware of the folly of being drunk with no control. You cannot call the cops without turning in the girls you were fine having drunken sex with.

You want to fix it, talk to a trusted adult and get your emotions under control and talk to your group. That was the whole problem this peer/group mentality that opened the door to bad behavior. I doubt this would be an issue had the gay guy not joined in. Don't make it one now.Your erection had nothing to do with it at all, and even drunks can get, and maintain one. Do better and let time and a little help move you beyond this experience and learn from it.

Don't judge yourself to harshly, you made a mistake and survived to do better.

[Cat1864]

I am going to be honest. I don't know what happened. I don't know if your recollection is close to reality. I do notice that your story has changed a little bit and now you remember stopping him when he got the condom out instead of waking up with it on and freaking out. I don't know if it is your mind filling in details or memories surfacing.

I do know that you feel violated and you seem to remember saying 'no' or at very least attempting to say 'no'. Even if you choose not to go to the police, I suggest following Synn's advice and get counseling. Look into support groups for rape/sexual assault victims. Learn that you aren't alone in your feelings and reactions. Get help in learning how to handle those thoughts and feelings.

I also suggest you stay away from alcohol and any other recreational drugs that reduce inhibitions. Depression and suicidal thoughts do not pair well with reduced inhibitions.

If your 'friends' are as close-knit as you say they are, then this will probably be discussed at some point in time. More than likely when everyone is drunk again. This needs to be handled when everyone is sober. This is an extremely serious situation and you all need to take responsibility to make certain it doesn't happen again.

I think you need to put some distance between yourself and this group. Work on ways to feel more confident in making new friends. I give this advice because however close you were yesterday or are today, tomorrow will bring changes. University, new jobs, new romances, building families and futures that are not focused on this small group will cause the individuals to go in separate directions. It is life. The people who are your friends will still be there if you make new ones and will give you support as build your life. They will also understand your need to be a bit distant as you work through your thoughts and feelings.

Please, look into getting help.

[hheath541]

If you feel it was rape, then that's the way you need to approach it. In this, your perception of events means more than the technical definition of a single word. Even if the law wouldn't agree, your feelings are that you were raped, and you need to approach the healing process from that direction.

First, you need to out these people as sexual predators, at least to your mutual friends. Men can be and are raped. The problem is that our society twists it so that people believe that men are always willing, and thus cannot be raped. ANY unwanted sexual activity is rape. By continuing after you tried to stop them, and for initiating contact when you were unconscious, they became rapists. That isn't something you should keep to yourself.

Then, you need to seek help. If you're not comfortable talking to a therapist, at the very least you need to talk to someone. There are online groups set up just for sexual assault survivors. Project Unbreakable (Project Unbreakable) is working to bring awareness of sexual assault to more people. They have information that can help. But, more than that, they have stories from other survivors, including men, that will help you feel less isolated.

[mogrann]

NO means no.. Plain and simple. If a person can not respect that than they are a sexual predator and it is rape.
I don't care if it is a guy doing it to a girl, a guy doing it to a guy, girl to girl or girl to guy. NO MEANS NO.
I don't care how much you protested or did not protest NO MEANS NO

If you feel violated than you were violated. I will not judge what you did or did not do. You did what you were able to do in that situation. I was not there you were.

Where do you go from here? Well you have options and they are your decisions that only you can make.
1. Do nothing
2. Call a rape crisis line for help
3. Go to the police and file a report
4. Continue hanging out with your attackers
5. Stop all contact with your attackers

You have the power right now to do what you need to do for you. Do not give them any power over you.


LASTLY TO EVERYONE NO MEANS NO... no exceptions.

[tickle]

You need to get away for a bit, no contact with this group during the interim, and sort yourself out. This group is too closely knit if you ask me. This doesn't make for comfortable situations as you just found out. And.. as suggested, stay away from booze, you can't handle it (how old are you by the way?)