[chrisormondroyd]

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for over a year and a half now. We're both eighteen but she's in the year above, meaning she moved to Edinburgh four months back. We see each other every 2 or three weeks, so quite a lot. About 8 weeks before she was moving away, I broke up with her, and it was awful. I didn't know how I felt about her, and was starting to think of her as more of a friend than a girlfriend. I thought that we wouldn't last if she moved 200 miles away. After a week I regretted deeply what I had done, and missed her a lot. We got back together and while it's been tough, her moving away hasn't been the end all that I thought it might have been.
Problem is, I don't think I'm in love with her. Please don't get me wrong, I care about her so much and I want to protect and look after her. It's an innate feeling I have towards her. It's just... I don't feel that sexually attracted to her anymore. I see other girls and my heart pounds at the thought of doing stuff with them, but after a year and a half with my girlfriend, whatever passion we've had seems to have fizzled out. My girlfriend doesn't seem to have this problem and is always wanting to have sex with me, and sometimes complains that I don't want to enough.
Another thing is that I feel like I put a lot into the relationship, and don't get a lot out. I pay every time I go to see her in Edinburgh, I look after her when she's ill (and she's ill a lot, because of this stomach problem that makes eating food painful) and I give her support and comfort about her family, because they're not the nicest of people. She's also quite moody and snappy with me sometimes, which she doesn't realize she's being like, but it's not nice for me. All of these things I don't mind doing, because that's what you do in a relationship and I know she'd do the same back, but because I'm generally okay she doesn't have to do much back, and it feels like I'm giving a whole lot of effort for nothing.
Also, I have feelings for another girl. I met this girl year seven years ago, and from the moment I saw her I liked her. I go through phases of liking this her, and I always tell myself that me and her would never work, despite me building her up in my head to be this amazing person. I like to compare it to the Great Gatsby, really. Anyway, I hadn't thought about this girl for a long time until one of my friends recently started dating her. Obviously I've felt quite jealous about this, but again, I keep telling myself that even if I did go after her, even if she did like me, it would be nothing like I've always imagined it would be. (sigh)
My girlfriend also told me the other day that I was her soul mate. This freaked me out a hell of a lot, because I couldn't say it back. I told her that I didn't believe in soul mates, which I don't really, but then I think back to the other girl that I liked since I first saw, and I get confused again. I'm only 18 and she's making me freak out about commitment and it confirms that my girlfriend loves me more than I love her.
This leads me onto another thing. I had the chance the other night at a party, to be in a threesome. With two hot girls. Two hot girls that were getting off with each other in front of me. One of them told me I could have got involved if I wasn't dating my girlfriend. This feeling, sexual apprehension or whatever you want to call it, was much stronger than anything I've felt with my girlfriend for a long time. I've also found out, well, been told, that I could have a ' buddy' in my friend, who I find quite hot.
All of this has tied together to make me very, very confused. I've broken up with my girlfriend before and I know how horrible that was, and even now I'm not considering a break up anyway. We've just had a great Christmas, and I love spending my time with her. When I'm not with her I miss her, but sometimes I don't even think about her. We seem to click with one another, as in we get one anothers humors and I enjoy doing stuff with her like going out for the day and staying in cuddling at night. She's quite pretty and very loving, and caring. I don't want to make another huge mistake like the last time I broke up with her, but I'm only 18 and I feel like all of this pressure is weighing down upon my shoulders. I feel like if I proposed to her right now she would say yes, but if she asked me I would say no.
Thank you for reading all of this, and I would love any advice that you can give me.

[talaniman]

Relax, you are 18 and bombarded with new experiences and the urge to explore, and some very intense new feelings, and temptations you struggle to control. Extremely distracting to say the least. You are also afraid to get out of the comfort zone and regretting it later. That too is understandable.

You don't quite know what you really want at this stage of the game, so the right thing to do for yourself and the way to do it hasn't presented itself yet. I can tell you that whatever you path you choose requires SELF honesty. That requires an honest look at yourself, and find out what you want. A change of course to a unknown path, full of risk and reward, or the comfort in the path your own with this young lady you are conflicted about.

Deal with those feelings of love and lust, because lust fades, it's a temporary feel good. Love grows after the lust has faded and you find out what you are really dealing with, and the work involved in building. In short, think with the big head based on facts, not with the little head which is always selfish and full of lust.

So young guy what is it you want to do? Decide. Explore and experiment your many options and opportunities for fun romance and yes lust. Or build without distraction with the female who for now is under the impression that YOU are as committed as she is and have the same feelings and outlook(?).

I highly suggest you get all the facts and deal with HER first, and choose if your path is with her, or without her. That will take much courage and honesty, and some work on your part, and hers. Focus on that, and put the distractions, and temptations aside.

Hard to be honest with her, until you are honest with yourself first. QUESTIONS??

[chrisormondroyd]

I broke up with my girlfriend last Saturday night over a drunken text. I never thought I would do such a thing, or was capable of ending something in such a way when the person meant so much to me.
I feel awful, about that and other things. I have made lots of mistakes, many that were on the Saturday night.
I feel like I should start from the beginning. Back in June last year, when we had been dating for maybe a year and 2 months, I broke up with her. She was going to university in Edinburgh (200 miles away from where I am now) and I believed that there was no chance and that I better end it. To make things more complicated I had feelings for another girl. This other girl I have liked for going on seven years now, on and off. I think I've liked her for so long because she has never shown any interest in me like that ever, and so I continue to like her. I wish that I didn't and it has made things difficult, but I persisted in the knowledge in that what I had was good and pure. However this all got too much and the fact she was moving away pushed me over the edge.
After a week I regretted my decision. All my feelings for the other girl went and all I wanted was my girlfriend back. She took me back but her confidence took a blow and though things went back to being normal and perfect, things were still never quite the same. She was insecure, which I understood. Until Christmas everything was fine. I still had on and off feelings for the other girl, and because this is my final year of school and everyone will be leaving soon, it does make things hard to deny sometimes. But then my girlfriend told me that I was her 'soul mate' in the way that she could not think of anyone more perfect for her. This freaked me out, a lot. Mostly because I was still curious in other woman. I was also beginning to feel sexually... less attracted to her. Don't get me wrong, she's beautiful and naturally pretty, but the attraction was lessening and lessening. I believed this to be a natural part of a long term relationship. But then... I started making awful choices. I will not be evasive about them, I will just write them down in order.
First of all at a friends house party I slept in the same bed with another girl, and I put my arm around her. I was drunk but not paraletic, I was in control of my actions. I knew I would not cheat on her but when I made this action my heart was beating very quickly as I found this girl attractive. She moved my hand onto her boob. My mind was going crazy at this point, my heart beating even faster. She even asked me if I was okay. I removed my hand and slept on the floor. That was the only thing that made me feel better in the morning, but I still felt dirty and awful.
The next thing that happened was I accidentally went back to a girls house alone. I had left my keys at home and would not be able to get into my house and she offered for me to stay at hers. I said to my friend I would only stay at hers if he came too. He agreed. When I look back now I don't know why I didn't suggest we sleep at his house instead. We all got a taxi back with another two girls, and as they got out he followed them to their house. He said he had a chance of a threesome and was going. I said okay, annoyed but not going to stop him. I went back to the girls and I guess I was testing how far I could go, how much temptation I could resist. I made a few jokes about my friend once seeing her naked, and she offered to show me her boobs. I accepted. I went to sleep straight after, that was all. I didn't know how I felt, except that I was very attracted to her. The whole bit before makes it sound like I am getting rid of the blame from myself, but I just want to get the point across that it was not intentional going to hers alone. I was very drunk this night as well, though that seems like less of an excuse than I'd like to give.
After this I was very confused. I had the perfect girl who loved me, I would say even adored me, and now I felt undeserving of her love. I had not cheated, maybe emotionally, but I felt very guilty. I put off this guilt as I help her out a lot with her family that she is always having problems with and being there for her.
There was one more scenario. The other girl that I liked had got with one of my friends over Christmas. I knew what he was like and he was just in it for the sexual stuff, and this made me very jealous. On a night out I told her that I was jealous of him, and it was true. They have split now and my feelings for her have washed away again. Still, I see this as emotional cheating. If she had done all this to me, and had feelings for another person, no matter how uneven they were, well... After this I felt less attached to her. She lived in Edinburgh and I saw her less and less. All of these problems really started after Christmas, and I was beginning to really doubt our relationship before the end of December. (cont. on another question)

[chrisormondroyd]

For the past two months I have been desiring other woman, not being as emotionally there for her as I used to be, and just starting to feel stressed with school and life and worried that I will never get anywhere. We used to have such a pure relationship where I had done nothing wrong and I felt just right with her. Things were different now after what I had done, no matter how things still seemed right and perfect. She knew things weren't right. About a month ago she texted me saying she felt I wanted a break from her. I admitted I did, and she asked me to ring her. We kind of sorted things out... She wanted me to communicate with her more, and I tried. But still things weren't working. She told me I didn't support her anymore and that I took her for granted, which by now I think we can all agree I did. What we had was perfect and I have ruined it. But it makes me question myself, if it was really that perfect would I have done all of this?
The Saturday that just went by I broke up with her over a stupid, drunken text. I told her that I loved her and she was amazing, but that I couldn't stay with her anymore. She did not reply for the whole night. And on this night, after I had broken up with her, I went back to the previous girls house with my friends, the one who had shown me her boobs. We all played truth or dare, and I kissed both girls among other things, but without touching any of the below areas completely. But then we went to bed and I was in the same bed as that girl. I knew that I needed to resist what I wanted, and I tried so hard but... In the end she touched me down below and I did the same to her (sorry about the way I have described it), it lasted around ten minutes but the damage was done. I knew then that the choice had been fully made. The last time I had broken up with her I asked for her back, but this time there would be no such thing. I had done something that would break her. Afterwards I just felt empty, very empty. A 2 year relationship thrown away for ten minutes of lust. She wanted me to have sex with her, she asked me and I said no. That's all I have to make myself feel better, that I had enough sense to not betray her completely.
I made all these choices and looking back I know it was me that poisoned our relationship. I rang her in the morning and apologized for doing it over text and said that our relationship meant much more than that. She refused to accept that we were over for a while, but towards the end became more accepting and asked if the distance did it. I said yes, and I wanted to tell her of all the other things I had done so that she wouldn't have to remember me as this amazing boyfriend that left without solid reasons. But I was a coward and I didn't want to break the one person I had truly cared for the last two years and spent so much time together with. I have a real attachment to her and I ruined something special. I cannot help my desires and feelings I have towards other people, but I could have made better choices. I just thought I was a better person than all this. After the phone call I walked around where I live for 2 hours just wondering how this all happened, and how 3 months ago things were going so well. Also how much things could change in one night.
I miss her terribly and regret deeply everything that I have done. I am 18 and over think everything, I have anxiety problems and she is one of the people that have always been there for me. I guess I just have to accept what I have done and let go. It just hurts so much to just have to let something go, especially when I know how good that something once was, and how it still could be.
I keep telling myself that all of this happened for a reason, and that she couldn't have been the right person for me when I did all these things and was never completely happy. I just want advice from others that know what it's like to be so close with someone for such a length of time, and then throwing it all away. My heart feels to heavy and I cried all day yesterday, and I feel like I could now. I find myself fantasizing about us getting back together after we have both finished uni, after I have exhausted my desires for other woman, and she might forgive me for everything I have done if I told her in years time. Right now I am wishing that I could erase the past three months and have another go, but that would not be the right thing to do. I have had doubts twice now, and as I have never felt this way before or dealt with a relationship this long before, I have no idea how I am going to go forward without her. I know this is less of a question and more of a plea for advice and for people to tell me I'll be okay, but I feel like I could use that right now.
To anyone that read this, thank you.

[tickle]

Maybe you can condense it if you get to a part 3. You can be in love with someone, the idea, the feeling, the high, and not actually be in love with their spirit, their mentality. As tal said, you are only eighteen, grow into your mentality, your intelligence and live, love a few and you will know when the time comes that it is for real.

[talaniman]

I have had doubts twice now, and as I have never felt this way before or dealt with a relationship this long before, I have no idea how I am going to go forward without her. I know this is less of a question and more of a plea for advice and for people to tell me I'll be okay, but I feel like I could use that right now.
To anyone that read this, thank you.

You are okay. Just inexperienced at dealing with your own conflicting intense feelings at this time. I feel your loss and your fear of tomorrow. We all do. We have all had to learn to deal with ourselves. I wish I could say the feelings will get better. They never do. You will have MANY experiences in the future for as long as you live.

The good news is YOU will get better at coping with them. Growing in mind, body, and soul is scary. But you will learn the courage to cope. It's a process. A life long one. One baby step at a time. Still learning myself, still growing I hope. It's still rough coping with them damn feelings.

Have a good cry youngster, and get on with living and learning. Take your time.

[chrisormondroyd]

Thank you. I do feel like with time things will get better, but it's hard to keep this thought when the memories are so strong. I'm sorry I didn't reply to your first reply to me two months ago, I tried to but I didn't know how. This time I'm guessing it's just by adding an answer, but I wasn't sure if you would be notified to that. Anyway, thank you again for taking the time to read through my situation and responding, I appreciate it very much

Thank you Tickle, I agree that when the time is right I should know if I truly love someone. I couldn't help but write the long version, every part feels important, but yes I see that lots of people will see this and run away screaming at the length ha ha.

[talaniman]

Felt good to pour your feelings on a page didn't it?

[chrisormondroyd]

Yes, I've talked to my good friend about it today but only for for a little while, so I felt like I needed to get it all off my chest. I've managed to turn my head off for a good two hours now, the longest time today, thought less and the pain doesn't feel so raw. I'm sure I'll fall back into being upset, and then being okay, but maybe things will get better. I guess that's a good sign, but it'll just take time (sigh) Advice really does help, this website here does a lot of good

[talaniman]

When you get upset again, write your thoughts out, then reread them in an hour or so, then destroy the evidence. Then find a chore or task, or a fun activity to focus on.

I just skip the writing and chores and go with the fun activity thing nowadays.