[jenna1974]

My situation is little different from what I read here... My boyfriend and I have been together for 16 years and have lived together for the past 10 years. We had sex in the beginning for about maybe 3-4 years. My boyfriend is Catholic and said we should stop having sex because every time he went to confession about us, it made me feel like I was a bad person or dirty and that always hurt me.

Last week I found out during a therapy session (no less!) that he was watching porn and masturbating for the past 8 years!! Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't porn and masturbating considered a sin to Catholics also? Even worse than having sex even?

He said he would do it after I went to bed (we have separate bedrooms) BUT he did it right in the living room! I asked him what if I had walked out of my bedroom at all? He said that he never even thought about me at all before or during. Which hurt me even more since he just literally hugged and kissed me goodnight a few seconds before - he hugged and kissed me, turned from my bedroom door and proceeded to go online to find those naked girls with no thought of me in his mind at all.

I also found out that it's not exactly porn - he watches naked girls standing, sitting or laying down.. some even touch themselves. He said they danced around and I was picturing a strip tease sort of thing - NOPE - (I saw some of them and they don't - one of the videos just had a naked girl sitting on the ground putting flowers on her head - What? THAT gets him off? WTH?? ).

I asked him if he watched naked teenagers and to my face he said NO but when I looked at his computer "nude teens" was the first search! I asked him why he looked at teens and he said "for their youthfulness" I'm going to be 40 in January - I can't compete with those girls! He is 39. Was a virgin before being with me and is a Catholic. Our therapist mentioned something about us being together for 16 years and that God wouldn't find it wrong for us to have sex since we are in a committed relationship and it's not just a one night stand.

We have tried again a few times but he can't do it with me - it doesn't work. He can get it going only by touching himself (or me touching him, but even that doesn't always work, me I mean) and as soon as he tries to enter me, it goes away. I feel like it's my fault because I'm not one of those perky, skinny, sluts (sorry) that he watches online. He said even then he doesn't get a 'spontaneous erection' with them either and he has to touch himself to even get started with those girls. That's why I don't get why he would even do that in the first place? But he can maintain an erection and finish with those girls just not with me. He keeps saying it might be an erectile dysfunction thing but if he doesn't have a problem maintaining it with the naked girls online, how can that be it?

This whole thing has hurt me so much.. I don't feel like I'm good enough for him, not skinny enough, not pretty enough.. that he just doesn't want me anymore. I told him a few weeks ago that I was interested in trying to have sex again - he told me NO we can't do that because he's Catholic - then hugs and kisses me goodnight, forgets about me and goes to watch those naked girls online. WHY??

He said he would do all that for a few weeks then stop for a few weeks or months and then start it back up again. He told me one priest chewed him out at one of the confessions saying "You are too old to be doing that kind of stuff!" but he still did it and never thought about me. He said a switch would just click off in his brain.. I mean, seriously, he LITERALLY just hugs and kisses ME goodnight and then goes to them? What's wrong with me?

Also, would you consider just watching a naked girl laying, sitting, and standing around sometimes touching themselves - worse than actual porn or not? Just curious..

This is all still very raw for me since everything just happened in the past 2 weeks. I am very hurt and angry. I am interested in what you all think about this issue. Thank you for all your help in advance!!

[Wondergirl]

This has nothing to do with you -- how you look, how old you are, how skinny or fat you are, if you have flowers on your head. This is totally his problem/issue.

He needs to visit his doctor or even a specialist in sexual problems to find out what is going on with his performance/erection problems. They exist whether you are in the picture or not.

[jenna1974]

{ They exist whether you are in the picture or not. }

I don't understand how he can maintain an erection and finish with those girls but not with me? It's hard for me to see that as an erectile dysfunction type thing after that.

[CravenMorhead]

You're both Catholic. You've been seeing each other for 16 years, since you were both 23ish. You've been living together, all be it in different rooms, for 10 years. Are you engaged or still just dating. Why hasn't this relationship progressed beyond that? For a Catholic I would have assumed it would have been all done within the first two or three years and you two would be dealing with preteens and teenagers right now.

I am a Agnostic Athesist, so my understanding of all that religious stuff is elementary at best. But Jesus was all about the love, and what is more pure then doing it with the one you love the most? Being yourself of course. I think though that this is an issue for another day and another thread about your relationship issues. I only make mention because I think they play into things here.

The variety of porn, I would almost label it as just Nudism, is rather pedestrian considering the wide spectrum of porn out there. Just the average normal stuff can be a little out there mindless of the more extreme stuff? Real life Japanese Tentacle porn for example, a mule riding a midget (Don't ask how I saw that), Dinosaur roleplay porn, orgry, BSDM, LGTB oriented, and extreme age play are just examples of what you can find. Honestly how would you have felt walking in on him wanking to woman covered in her own excrement being tag teamed by midgets in cowboy costumes.

Please have respect for people who work in the sex trades. They're there to make money and not for anything more nefarious then that. Some people use their brains or muscles, others use their breasts. Some are there by choice and some aren't. It's their lives and trying to shame them by their profession is like looking down on someone serving your food. It isn't right.

Even that is rather pointless. You're assuming that he has an emotional response to what he is seeing on the screen. He isn't. He's having a physical response. That is a primary difference between the arousal cycle of a man and a woman. The man relies more on the sense, touch, sight, smell, hearing, and sometimes taste. You probably, when viewing a man with chiselled abs, huge penis, and bulging muscles, don't have that same reaction. Women's arousal cycles tend to be more emotional, it is the situation and the feelings attached that get you going.

Turning you on is a full day procedure, you have to make love to the mind and the body follows. For a man, show him your t!ts. Seriously. That's all we need.

The point thus far is that he's not doing this because he's dissatisfied with you. That he wishes that you were a Japanese waif or African goddess. He's masturbating and needed a seed of a fantasy. This is not because of you but because he's address his needs. As any healthy man must. Your reaction is the reason why he hid it and lied about it; even after you knew he lied about it. He doesn't you want to think less of him or have you get angry. Because that is just what happened.

So ignore the porn for now. This isn't your issue or related to you whatsoever. What the issue is his inability to get and maintain an errection. Has he gone to the doctor at all? How is his life? Stress? Exhaustion? Medications? Has he been to a doctor recently?

As well I would spend some time trying to figure out your relationship.

{ They exist whether you are in the picture or not. }

I don't understand how he can maintain an erection and finish with those girls but not with me? It's hard for me to see that as an erectile dysfunction type thing after that.

It is all about feeling. He is used to, after more then eight years of doing it, pleasuring himself. He could be used to a specific way. For example the "Death Grip" puts so much pressure that a woman's Vaginal canal can't compete. If that is the case then he needs to retrain his pecker to react to lighter touches. It is all about adaptation.

You're making this into a issue because it is easy and convenient. It allows you to ignore other issues because this is well defined and it doesn't point to you. Stop that. Figure out why he can't get an erection, and I can guarantee it isn't you, and go from there.

It isn't about the other girls. He wouldn't want to be with them if he had a chance. It is about the thought or idea.

[jenna1974]

I am not Catholic HE is... I am more Agnostic..

For a man, show him your t!ts. Seriously. That's all we need.
I have been naked around him since I found this out - he has watched me in the shower, standing about to get in the shower, laying on the couch, standing in front of him, WHATEVER I have done it.. I AM not working for him.

Don't guys LIKE the fact that a woman wants him? That a woman wants to be with him? Doesn't that turn them on? I DID tell him that I wanted him but he chose those other girls instead. Seriously, how can I feel like it's not me? I tried SO HARD FOR FIVE DAYS that I actually hurt myself - rubbing myself raw because I rubbed on him so hard.. my legs cramped up and hurt, my arms hurt, my insides hurt by trying so hard! But I kept trying about 5-7 continuous hours each of those 5 days..

What is that about?? He sees those girls and gets excited but when he sees me he yawns.

We had sex at the beginning for 4-6 years. He stopped it because he said that him going to confession hurt me. He even stopped hugging and kissing me.. THEN he goes to the internet to look at naked girls... what was I?

REMEMBER: HE is Catholic - I am Agnostic.

This is not because of you but because he's address his needs. As any healthy man must. Your reaction is the reason why he hid it and lied about it; even after you knew he lied about it. He doesn't you want to think less of him or have you get angry. Because that is just what happened.

But why couldn't I fulfill his needs? Why couldn't I be what he needed? He wasn't coming to me for 8 years he was going online to other naked girls? What was I? He NEVER came to me in those 8 years just directly to other girls - THAT'S why I'm angry and hurt.. why were those girls more important than me? I was right there PHYSICALLY but he chose them over me. He made that choice - them over me. WHY??

*NEEDED TO ADD* - he still had to go to confession by what he was doing. I would have preferred he choose me over some other naked girls on the internet.. if he needed to have sex, why couldn't it be me instead?? What he CHOSE to do was even worse than having sex with me. I think the Bible said something about 'spilling your seed' and how that was wrong and it should be with a partner and not 'waste the seed' or something like that.

The man relies more on the sense, touch, sight, smell, hearing, and sometimes taste.

I could be and I AM all of that? Those girls were only sight.. he could have chosen all the above with me and he could have touched me but he CHOSE them over me. It's like nobody is understanding that part of it. I WAS there RIGHT IN FRONT of him for Gods Sake but he CHOSE them over me for 8 years he NEVER chose me I was NEVER in his mind! What was I to him for all those years? Doesn't anybody understand that? AARRGGHH - it's so FRUSTRATING!! :(

How is his life? Stress? Exhaustion? Medications? Has he been to a doctor recently?


I would like to know why all these things don't bother him by himself though? I don't understand why he would keep going and watch up to 5 videos of naked girls on one night but stop me from trying to help him? I don't get it... I just don't get it?

It isn't about the other girls. He wouldn't want to be with them if he had a chance. It is about the thought or idea.

Why couldn't I be his thought or idea? Why someone else? MANY someone else's?

[talaniman]

Whose idea of separate bedrooms is it and has the talk of marriage and kids been explored. Does he have siblings and do your families interact?

[Cat1864]

Frankly, I think you should have set a date or walked away when his feelings of guilt changed the relationship. What happened to keep you holding on for all of these years?

For most men, porn and masturbation are nothing more than a quick release without having to worry about a partner's needs. They use erotica in one of its many forms because they aren't wanting to use their partner as a masturbatory aid.

Your boyfriend, however, has his own issues and porn is the least of them. For eight years he has been getting his way without giving you any thought and I almost bet it happens in other areas besides the bedroom. He appears to be using religion and "Catholic Guilt" as an excuse and a rationalization to get you to be understanding and complacent of his feelings. But it seems more likely to be a way to gain control in the relationship.

Have the two of you not discussed the future in the past 16 years?

Who is in therapy and why? If couples' counseling, what caused you to take that step?

[jenna1974]

Whose idea of separate bedrooms is it and has the talk of marriage and kids been explored. Does he have siblings and do your families interact?

He snores, I am a light sleeper. I like having a light on and music. He likes it quiet. We are engaged. I am unable to conceive children. :( He is an only child, I have 1 sister and 3 brothers plus 10 nieces and nephews. Our families have never met. Also my Mom died in 2004.

Frankly, I think you should have set a date or walked away when his feelings of guilt changed the relationship. What happened to keep you holding on for all of these years?

I love him and care about him.. I thought he felt the same way.

For most men, porn and masturbation are nothing more than a quick release without having to worry about a partner's needs. They use erotica in one of its many forms because they aren't wanting to use their partner as a masturbatory aid.

He never thought about my needs in any of those 8 years.. :(

Your boyfriend, however, has his own issues and porn is the least of them. For eight years he has been getting his way without giving you any thought and I almost bet it happens in other areas besides the bedroom. He appears to be using religion and "Catholic Guilt" as an excuse and a rationalization to get you to be understanding and complacent of his feelings. But it seems more likely to be a way to gain control in the relationship.

That sounds about right.

Have the two of you not discussed the future in the past 16 years?

Yes we have. We are engaged and planning to adopt since I can't have any children of my own.

Who is in therapy and why? If couples' counseling, what caused you to take that step?

I have Depression and Anxiety and take medication. We are in Couples Counseling for our relationship problems, mostly his anger towards me. He would hurt me, then I would tell him I was hurt, and his reaction was always anger and yelling at me. He also told me that he has never gotten mad like this towards anybody else in his life, just me. We started counseling to work that out. Then I find out 2 weeks ago IN A THERAPY SESSION about those years we didn't have sex and how he went to the internet to look up naked girls and masturbate just a year later after HIS DECISION to stop having sex with me. With never a thought in his mind about me.

[talaniman]

You mean to tell me you have basically been room mates with no future plans? Address the snoring (many ways to do that) and buy some head phones and blind folders and sleep in the same bed for a week and see what happens.

What kind of social life do you have together, and what about family functions and interactions? Shared interests? This sounds like a lot more than just a lack of sex.

[jenna1974]

You mean to tell me you have basically been room mates with no future plans? Address the snoring (many ways to do that) and buy some head phones and blind folders and sleep in the same bed for a week and see what happens.

We have future plans. We are engaged and plan to adopt - is that not future plans? *confused* I also wake through-out the night, I am not a good sleeper, plus being a light sleeper ANY sound or movement wakes me up (my niece sometimes slept with me when she was little and afraid to be alone - I was awake all night with her constant moving around), he gets up earlier than I do also.

What kind of social life do you have together, and what about family functions and interactions? Shared interests? This sounds like a lot more than just a lack of sex.

We have a social life.. we both enjoy the same movies, and TV shows, we go to family events together, We like bowling. Because he is Catholic (I am not) HE made the CHOICE to stop having sex with ME... then started looking at other naked girls A YEAR after HIS DECISION to stop having sex with me. What is that?

[talaniman]

He just doesn't like sex with anyone but himself. Plain and simple. Since you have gone along with the program for so long for only reasons YOU know, this has gotten way out of hand. This is about many things but not porn at all. That's an easy thing to put this on. Too easy. No wonder it drives you nuts if its been going on for years.

I have to be missing something here.

[backpack2389]

How long have you been engaged? Was he experiencing sexual dysfunction (when with you) before he decided to stop having sex?

[jenna1974]

"How long have you been engaged?" Officially 2 days before Christmas he gave me a ring. "Was he experiencing sexual dysfunction (when with you) before he decided to stop having sex?" No he wasn't.

[Cat1864]

"How long have you been engaged?" Officially 2 days before Christmas he gave me a ring. "Was he experiencing sexual dysfunction (when with you) before he decided to stop having sex?" No he wasn't.

Does this mean you have worked things out since you last posted?

Congratulations on making it official.

[jenna1974]

Does this mean you have worked things out since you last posted?
Yes - we are trying... he gave me the ring to prove that he does love me and wants us to work. No more secrets or lies from that day forward.

Congratulations on making it official.
Thanks. :)