[Victoria28]

I have some serious problems with my youngest daughter who now is 19 years old. And I believe it is at least partly my own fault. I and my husband has always believed in spanking and we have used that when we felt necessary. From the age of 13 I have been the only one who spanked as I they would be too old to be spanked by the father. I have a wonderful relationship with my oldest daughter but my youngest daughter hates me for the spankings. She has recently moved in with a boyfriend and is happy with him but she refuses to visit me. She says she is only willing to visit me if I accept that either my husband or her boyfriend whips my in front of her. This is all so crazy! What if I would finally agree to it, what kind of relationship would I have with her?

[advicehnein]

As a teenager, I think that spanking your daughter is way too "old fashion". She's absolutely right to act this way. If it's a habbit for you, do it but not in front of her friends or boyfriend or any stranger. What she is asking for is totally normal

[Victoria28]

I haven't spanked her since she was 15 and never in front of anyone else except her father or sister. And my oldest daughter never had any problems with that. I think what she asks for is completely weird.

[J_9]

I think the problem lies in that she was too old to be spanked once she learned right from wrong. About 6 or 7 years old. 13-15 year olds are too old to be spanked and you are only humiliating them, not teaching them a lesson.

While I do believe in spanking, I don't believe it is necessary at such older ages when you should actually be sitting down and discussing the problem and doling out proper punishment, not humiliation.

Having you spanked in front of her by either your husband or her boyfriend is a ridiculous notion and should not be entertained by you. It is my belief that your daughter should be angry with you for spanking her at an older age, but that's neither here nor there as the damage is already done. She can either accept her life as it is/was, or move on.

[pwooden]

You're not getting it. She doesn't actually expect you to say yes to her request, she just wants to make you to understand how she feels. She and her sister obviously found the spankings to be physically painful and emotionally humiliating. All your daughter is trying to do is to say "How would you feel if it were you?" What she would really like is for you to admit you were wrong. There has been a lot of research that shows spanking is actually child abuse, and emotionally scars a child for the rest of their life. It may be the way you were raised, but you don't have to continue such a barbaric tradition.

[Jake2008]

pwooden is right on the money.

She remembers the spankings when she was a teenager, she remembers the humiliation, and resentment, and anger. I think any 15 year old would.

What you did wasn't just 'partially responsible' for what is going on now- it is total responsibility you need to take for making a mistake, that has indeed affected her.

Her lingering resentment to inappropriate actions by you, will not be resolved until you see the bigger picture here.

Do a little research online, and see what you could have done to get through the teenage years without spanking. It was not age-appropriate, rather it was a destructive act, coming from an out of control mother.

[talaniman]

Her request is totally ridicules and you should leave her alone to get over herself, and her resentments.

The problem I have is when your husband stopped spanking, so should you have. Maybe someday she will be ready to talk, but obviously she is NOT.

[brilas]

My family stopped the spanking thing when we were no longer children anymore.. so I believe the last spanking I had was when I was about 10.. I feel as though spanking your kids when they are 15 years old is very out of the ordinary, and can understand why you daughter may hold some resentment towards you.
While her suggestion is just as ridiculous, the both of you need to have a serious talk when she is ready. Until then I would suggest just leaving her alone for now, she is 19 years old and needs to deal with this in her own way before she can deal with you.
Honestly to me, I feel that spanking her at that age she may feel as though you were not allowing her to grow up (as spankings are for children) and now that she is 19, and out of the house she is finally able to tell you how she feels.

[Steph_tommo]

I'm 13 and I can admit to having a few spankings when I was a lot younger, maybe around 2... I think the peoblem is that you have been using spanking as a punishment for WAY too long. You probably shouldn't do it after they reach 8 years old to be honest. I think that spanking is a punishment thatshould only be used for younger ages because it warns them that if you do something bad then they will just have it come back at them... 13 is an unreasonable age for spanking... Especially since your child is now a teenager and is exposed to all the sexual topics and spanking would just be a bit silly to do for someone who is 13...

Your daughter is probably trying to say that you shouldn't have spanked her for so long and it has probably made her feel childish. No teen wants to be treated like a small child and spanking her has made her feel that which probably upset her.

I highly doubt she was serious when she said you should spank her in front of you boyfriend.

[Victoria28]

I realize I may have continued with spankings for too long. However, I got spanked by both my parents until I was 17 and although it was extremely embarrassing beside the stinging I never felt it was undeserved. And my older daughter feels the same way, she has no hard feelings what so ever although she got spanked until age of 15 as well. I also want to say that I almost always used spanking as a last option when nothing else had worked.

Some of you don't think that my younger daughter doesn't really mean it when she says she won't talk to me or visit me unless she can see my get whipped. This is not something that she has said once or twice. Rather for months when I have tried to reach out to her. So yes, I do think she means it. But it is completely insane.

[talaniman]

Stop reaching out to her. When she gets over it the she will call you. Why put yourself through this torture, humiliation, and rejection. You cannot control her words actions or attitude. Enjoy what you can control. That's just a sad fact of life.

Leave her alone, I would.

[smearcase]

Sounds like the boyfriend's idea to me. What normal person talks to their parents in that manner? What if you had refused to buy her a pony when she was 10, could she demand you buy her a horse now?
I get the feeling that the boyfriend might have come up with the idea of your husband or him spanking you. She told him of her "horrible" upbringing and he figured it should be someone bigger/stronger doing it, like you were to her.
You made decisions about how you would raise your children and aside from doing something illegal, it was your decision and not any business of others.
Let her alone as suggested and when she needs something from you, she'll come back at which time you should act like it never happened.
But, we don't know you, we don't know what kinds of infractions caused the spanking, and we know very little about your daughter and how well she is doing on her own.

[pwooden]

It's even more scary if she really means it, because that means you have distorted her sense of what is appropriate! You and your husband--not her. And it's not better to abuse a little child than a teen! Now she is more likely to consider physical abuse (which spanking is) OK if nothing else works. Guess what--it didn't work either or you wouldn't still be having problems with her. Your post starts with the statement that you have serious problems with your daughter, but you refuse to even consider it could be related to the spankings. Check the link below for more information on what happens to children who are spanked. Does any of this sound familiar?

[url]http://www.kidsgrowth.com/resources/articledetail.cfm?id=2297[/url

P.S. I have raised two wonderful daughters and never once thought of spanking them.

[Victoria28]

This may sound crazy but I have decided that I can accept my husband spanking me in case this can help restore a mother-daughter relation. I can't stand that thought of her not coming home over Xmas. I really hope this will work because otherwise I will go insane. For those who considered me to be a criminal I just want to point out that spanking is by no means illegal in US. Whether it is appropriate or not I am open minded,

[J_9]

If you are willing to let your husband spank you, you need some serious counseling. You need more mental health help than we can provide.

[talaniman]

It doesn't sound crazy at all. It sounds insane. Instead of her dealing with her own issues, she is making you deal with them. Worse you refuse to deal with your own issues. Guilt and desperation.

Has your husband agreed to spank you? Or did you manipulate him into this farce?

[Victoria28]

Oh Lord, I don't know if I am doing right or wrong now. My husband also thinks I'm crazy but he agrees to do it if I am 100% sure that it will makes things right. He is probably not. He claims this will take some time but she will forgive in due time. But I want my daughter back now! I don't know what went so wrong. I have several friends who spanked their children much harsher than I did and their relationsship with their kids are just fine.

[J_9]

You are seriously insane if you think that letting your husband spank you will return your daughter to you. In this case you are giving your daughter control. Really, who is the parent here?

From reading this, and re-reading it, it is imperative that you all get into family counseling.

I can't tell, without a doubt if you are trolling us, but in the off chance this is the truth, you need to own up to the fact that what you did was unacceptable at her age and apologize to her. She needs to know that this form of humiliation is not acceptable and that you won't stand for this.

My husband also thinks I'm crazy but he agrees to do it if I am 100% sure that it will makes things right.

It won't make things right, she will turn this against you as well.

Please, please, please, I implore you, get some professional counseling.

[talaniman]

It is no longer the spankings that matter, but how you and your daughter deal with it now. In your zeal to keep her in your life you have chosen a solution that's is totally insane. Neither of you deals with the root causes of the current situation. Her anger.

Disrespecting yourself and your husband to appease her anger is not a solution. Especially after she tell you to kiss her a$$ after you both humiliate each other (and she will). As a father and a husband, your action would be unacceptable totally, and I would find you some sorely needed help.

This is insane.

[Victoria28]

I just wanted to let you know that I decided to agree to my daughters request. Not with her boyfriend present but only her. And the outcome is that I have gotten my beloved daughter back! It was worth going through given the results. She has forgiven me and talks to me again and is my sweet daughter again.