[marposa]

Hello,
I have gone through Google, forums etc but my situation still makes me confused.

This is to do with my husband. After reading a lot , I realize that he gives me silent treatment and uses very abusive language while talking. He has physically hit me too. While all this sounds like I make him the devil, I am still confused about a few things.

Earlier when these rages happened ,I would try to apologize, cry and cajole him . But that would lead to further anger and abuse. Slowly I learned that if I pretended he did not hurt me with words and kept smiling , he would calm down faster if not right away. But I cannot disagree with his views in any manner. Or that leads to further words.
I was never this silent kind of person and did not take words from anyone. I do not know why I keep my mouth shut and apologise no matter what he says.

On the other hand, he is always encouraging me to go ahead in life, studies etc. At times tries to make me leave thinking I would have a better life if I left him. But I love him too much to leave.

This is very confusing for me and it isn't a straight -forward thing of giving in to his wishes and he being happy. I hope someone talks to me please. Thank you.

[talaniman]

I would imagine it is confusing. You never know which part of him you will see. He probably doesn't know himself how to be consistent or always in control of himself and to be sure those are his issues to deal with, and whether he does or not is a question only he can answer.

YOUR issue is how best to deal with this confusing fellow, because likely, he will not change, so put your own safety as the priority, and make sure you have other options that work for you. Not just safety wise, but happiness wise. I see little happiness in a couple that cannot freely express themselves in calm reasonable ways. No one should be with someone that hits them though!

How old are you and how long have you been married? How long did you date before you married him? Did you live together first? If he won't change, will you?

[Homegirl 50]

No one should stay in an abusive marriage. If he hits you it is wrong and you should not have to play games to make him stop. This man has issues and he's making them yours.
Sometimes love is not enough. This is dysfunction

[joypulv]

I ALWAYS puzzle over women who describe abuse and end with 'but I love him too much to leave.'
Please tell us what you love about him - and don't bring up the past. Of course he treated you with love and respect and admiration and tenderness at first. But he's different now, right? Too many people are in love with a memory, and I have a feeling you are too.

[marposa]

@talaniman - Thank you so much. "how best to deal with this confusing fellow" that was the most insightful answer I could have got . He isn't typically abusive . When he hit me once, it wasn't designed to hurt. I know he felt powerless when I was crying continuously and wouldn't stop. But "No one should be with someone that hits them though!" Yes, that is right too.

And the thing is when I pretend that the abusive words do not affect me and I continue to smile and work, the calming down is much faster. At times he tells me this abuse is to make me more "thick" because I'm too sensitive and for reasons I 'll detail below.

I cannot say I am without faults. But I do want things to work.

My mistake. I should have told you about my background. I was so sad at that point , I just wrote down from my heart hoping someone would talk to me and I thank you all for that.

We have been married for 3 years now. Ahh and as for the dating part, I come from a third-world country. For me, having a man like him who is encouraging of my studies and going ahead in life, is a blessing in everyone's eyes. I know this is difficult to understand but this is a traditional -minded society where it is a common thing to beat women or treat them as brood-mares.

@Homegirl 50 - You feel for me so much thank you! This truly is dysfunction. But I have to make it a "safer" more saner situation for me so I can at least complete my studies and gain some independence. We do not have anything called social security here.

@joypulv's - "Too many people are in love with a memory, and I have a feeling you are too." Yes you are right too.
What I love about him is that I am surrounded by people who are extremely negative about me making something out of myself. Except for some things that seem to "trigger" him into behaviour that is abusive; he is one of the few in my life who egg me on. That's a biggie for me. in spite of being a husband in this "society" , he never expects me to cook , clean or pick up after him.
The bad - is the words. They are so so abusive. They hurt me a lot. They are stuff I wouldn't say to an enemy. I don't know if I can use those words here.

I feel very lonely right now. I would probably feel less lonely if I really was alone.. heh heh.
But hearing from all of you is the little picture of peace for me. Please do tell me if I am wrong or if I need to tell you anything more to analyse.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you are talking yourself into staying in a totally dysfunctional marriage. He abused you because he can. This business of it being for your benefit is bs.
I know your studies are important to you, but please! He encourages you and abuses you. Is it worth it? Do you need encouragement that bad?

[talaniman]

I was raised with the saying

"Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".

Stay cool, calm, collected at all times and in control of yourself, as you focus on your career, and educational goals. I won't pretend to completely understand your culture or traditions and no one is perfect but having a friend or two helps from being lonely. Hmmm! Maybe you have made some today, so may I invite you to read some of the other posts, and especially by some of the older members who have experience and compassion.

You may enjoy it and pick up some coping tips. How old are you and do you have family close by?

[marposa]

@Homegirl 50 . Yes you are absolutely right; I realize that. But I can't really walk away that easy right now. The society around me is very traditional. I need coping mechanisms for the next few months till I get something in place to leave.
And that's where your cyber-hugging me helped me smile to face my day :). I hug you will all my heart for your words which I can see has a deep feeling for what I go through.

Sadly we are brought up to believe "ingrained" in our minds that the husband is everything and its unthinkable to leave.That is where I must make myself strong too. When I leave it will just be a clever moving away. There is nothing called divorce here. He can marry someone else if he wishes too. Even while I'm here. I know it isn't fair of me to talk to you about this, but that's how is the place I live in.

@talaniman - "Stay cool, calm, collected at all times and in control of yourself," Oh! how I wish to grab that sentence and ingrain it inside myself. You have understood me perfectly. The biggest mistake I made was to lose my circle of friends when I married and left town. Another issue is the marriage was against my own family's wishes. They can't wait to say "I told you so".
Maybe I was a fool or maybe I could look back and think of it as experience. My husband's family is traditional and I have tried to adjust as best as I can. There are still increasing implied expectations day by day which stress me out.

I don't want either of us to suffer. He has his share of suffering too.I'm not interested in revenge. Nothing. Just a way to live my life on my terms.

I can be stubborn too at times but I do not want someone to hit me, abuse me or stonewall me without telling me what it is that I do wrong! If you just pointed out what I did wrong on my face it would be something I could act on. When I ask him what I did wrong all the answer I get every single time is "shut up" or abusive words. That stresses me no end.

I'm 29 years old and family story right above :)...
"coping tips" You hit the nail on the head. I couldn't think what it was I was looking for. I will trawl around and have a look. Please do give me some suggestions too on which ones would make for a good read.

Thank you so much for hearing me out both of you. I can't tell you how much it means to just unload myself without fear of a backlash. I have kept quiet so long that I forgot how much it doesn't help healing.

[joypulv]

Don't ask what you did wrong. You are setting the tone for abuse by acting meek and subservient. Just that one little sentence indicates to me that you cower and grovel like a servant.
It won't be easy to undo a lifetime of how you were raised and how he was raised.
It won't be easy to show him that you need tolerance to get out of fear.
Every time he yells, walk away, say nothing, be quietly angry! No smiling, no agreeing, no reinforcement. I have a feeling that when you act subservient it makes him angrier. Showing integrity will show him that you have pride in yourself, which is what you must have.

[marposa]

@ joypulv - "when you act subservient it makes him angrier" yes you are right.
"you cower and grovel like a servant." that is also right!

"It won't be easy to undo a lifetime of how you were raised and how he was raised.It won't be easy to show him that you need tolerance to get out of fear." I take these sentences to my heart. Thank you!

"Don't ask what you did wrong" "say nothing" and "pride in yourself,"... I will work at my psyche to do it.

You are right. I feel fear inside and I get in my mind a lot of what-if questions. What-if he never speaks again. What-if I'm left alone. What-if I am asked to leave.
Lots of what-ifs. Stupid of me.

It's like I've been tuned into becoming a pleaser at the cost of my own self. It's a very lonely terrible place I find myself in.

My first step of opening up on here has made me much more in-tune with my feelings. I feel much more in control of myself . Especially since I find you guys do not judge me but help me and advise me.

[joypulv]

Good! Give us 'progress reports' of each positive act you do to stand up for yourself.
(Or if something goes wrong tell us about that too.. I know it won't be easy.)

[Jake2008]

It is true that there are societies where men rule, and there are no restraints as far as what men can do, to their 'property'. You are not only owned by him, you are owned by the society that designs and supports this barbaric behavior, as well as his family and your family as well.

The more you question or argue, or state what you feel or expect as far as the equality in the marriage goes, the more you are subdued, by words, or by force. I'm sure it's likely the more you speak, the greater danger you are in of abuse.

You can't change him, or his 'rights' as 'the man' in your marriage. He is doing what he 'knows' to be right, and you are unable to change that.

You have a plan, right? You haven't completely lost your sense of independent thinking, or your dreams of an education that will set you free. I hope that no matter what, you will hang onto those dreams, and finish your education, and get away from him, and into a world where you can live according to your own rules.

You give me the impression that you are managing (somewhat) his behavior toward you, by learning how to dissipate some of his anger by not responding to his threatening words and actions. Staying strong in this way, will make your goals a little easier to reach.

I could be wrong, but my perspective is that you don't live in a society where you have many options. You can't report him to the police and file charges, because that won't get you anywhere. There are likely no social services to assist you with a safe place to live, and support to get legal help.

If I'm right, maybe your only source of support, is yourself.

How close are you to finishing your education, and do you have plans or thoughts in place, for when you do have that degree in your hand?

[mmresd]

The basic problem I see here is that while you were too busy loving an abusive man, you forgot to keep loving yourself. Have some self-respect and leave him, I love him too much to leave? Please. Love will die with time, stop wasting time along someone who physically and mentally abuses you.