[Pboy87]

OK I have a weird problem. I don't know if it's jealousy or possessiveness or ego or control issues. But my girlfriend (1 year long distance relationship) would always chat with me every night since we started dating. Even if her friends asked her to go out, she would refuse as that was 'our time' and she would rather talk to me than go party.

But last night, this one old guy friend of hers (like her brother...nothing going to happen there) asked her to meet as they wanted to talk regarding some things and she went. She left at 11pm and returned at 2am.

First, I thought it was very late of her to go out, and second reason why I am really angry is because that was supposed to be Our Time. She has never gone to meet anyone at that time ever before or even if she was out she would return home. But last night she went.

She is apparently a bit too stressed in life now due to loads of things happening, and she asked me if she should go, and I said OK as I didn't want her to not see her friends, but even when I usually say Ok, she says she doesn't feel like and would rather talk to me. But yesterday as soon as I said Ok, she asked him to pick her up.

Honestly I don't care if she met this guy any other time, but the fact that it was supposed to be 'my ' time with her, and she went out with someone else is bothering me, and I feel she is distancing herself from me.

It has never happened before that she has picked any other thing over talking to me and we hadn't spoken all day yesterday (I was hung over) or the previous night as I had to go out for a pre-planned function. I have never just left her last minute because someone called to hang out. She says she didn't need her space or anything. She just didn't think of it the way I am and never thought I would get pissed that she is meeting him.

And honestly, I wouldn't have been had it been some other time of the day or had she left early and come back that late. But the fact that we hadn't spoken the previous day and night and all day as she was busy with work, and then when I do speak to her for 5 minutes, she asks if she could go.

I am really upset with her and not talking to her and don't kind of feel that same warmth towards her because she gave up on 'our' time for the first time to meet some friend (she has even ditched her best friend at times for me). She says she went to talk about me regarding getting me work in her city, but seriously, that could be done any other time of the day rather than the time I get to speak to her and was waiting to talk to her.

She wasn't replying warmly all day as she was busy with work and was stressed, and I kept messaging her to talk to me and please tell me what's wrong, and she would say.'nothing' or not reply. and again in the eve I messaged if I could talk to her and I wanted to and she asks me if she can go out for a bit with this guy. I was basically shocked when I heard it as I had kept messaging her that I wanted to talk to her.

I thought she was taking revenge at me because I went out the previous night for a function that was planned beforehand and she knew, but I got a little late in coming back home. She says it wasn't revenge, and she was just sad that I got home late but this was totally not related.

I feel I am losing her as she has never given up on time to talk to me to go meet anyone else. not even her parents. So now the first time she did it, it is really killing me inside and making me upset.

Please help me get over this.

[Michlania]

First you are jealos of him and you could start to turn possessive but as for her she might really want some time and doesn't want to hurt your feelings or worse case senerio she wants a relationship where she can actually see and touch you

[Wondergirl]

You are turning one small situation into a world-class drama. And sounding like a control freak on top of it.

Stop pumping her and questioning her and annoying her, or you are going to lose her altogether, i.e., permanently.

[Pboy87]

I'm not jealous of him.. even if it was a girl I would be equally pissed that she gave up on our chat time to go meet someone else after a year. When all through the months she would never go even if her parents or best friends asked.
N I did ask her and she definitely didn't need space from me and doesn't need it even now.
Though I do understand that she does want to be with me and see me and she keeps getting sad over the fact that she can't numerous times.. But then if she really misses me so much.. she wouldn't go out at the time that we were both free to video chat.

You are turning one small situation into a world-class drama. And sounding like a control freak on top of it.

Stop pumping her and questioning her and annoying her, or you are going to lose her altogether, i.e., permanently.

Well, then why would she say she didn't want to go to her friends birthday party on the same night as she wouldn't want miss our chat time and would want to talk as she misses me.
Then we dint talk the previous night and all day as she was busy and this guy asked her to chillout and she went. Now Our chat hours didn't count? She dint want space or anything. Apparently she was just too stressed and didn't want to decide and asked me and because I said yes she went. Which I feel is just crap. If she didn't want to, she wouldn't even ask.

[Wondergirl]

Well, then why would she say she didn't want to go to her friends birthday party on the same night as she wouldn't want miss our chat time and would want to talk as she misses me.
Then we dint talk the previous night and all day as she was busy and this guy asked her to chillout and she went. Now Our chat hours didn't count? She dint want space or anything. Apparently she was just too stressed and didn't want to decide and asked me and because I said yes she went. Which I feel is just crap. If she didn't want to, she wouldn't even ask.

Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. Take another deep breath. Again let it out slowly. Do this eight more times.

Now, drop this argument you are having in your head. If you continue to nitpick like this, you are going to be alone and talking only to yourself.

[Pboy87]

I am trying to.. I really love her and she loves me.
I am just too hurt that after a year now of daily talking at 'those hours'.. she just goes out with some guy even though she wasn't completely in the mood and just went out as I said its OK she can go. She said she would return soon but came back only after 3 hours.
I just feel that she doesn't value those hours anymore as she did. She would be the one to tell people she can't come as she would rather talk to me. So now its suddenly not important anymore to her?

Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. Take another deep breath. Again let it out slowly. Do this eight more times.

Now, drop this argument you are having in your head. If you continue to nitpick like this, you are going to be alone and talking only to yourself.

[Michlania]

All right try this if you can surprise her with a visit spend some actual time with her and try to releave her of her stress and she be her happy talking with you self

[Pboy87]

Uhhhm well, that's what she said she was trying to plan when she met this guy other than talking about getting me there. She wanted to plan a surprise visit sometime in the next month and this guy apparently had sources of getting cheap tickets , she told me this when I got super pissed and didn't want to talk to her and she yelled it off. But what I don't understand is why pick this time when she usually talks to me when they could have done it any other time in the day or next day.

All right try this if you can surprise her with a visit spend some actual time with her and try to releave her of her stress and she be her happy talking with you self

[Cat1864]

This is going to be harsh.

She asked and you said okay. Now you are upset because she didn't read your mind and know that you were lying to her when you said it was okay. Yes, you lied to her and she accepted it as truth.

Stop playing games. Not talking to her because you are upset and turning it around and making it her fault is a major control playing game. It is a major red flag that you can't let one night out of 365 be hers (you did say that she has chatted with you every night since you started dating.) Frankly, you sound like a spoiled child instead of an understanding boyfriend.

I am really upset with her and not talking to her and don't kind of feel that same warmth towards her because she gave up on 'our' time for the first time to meet some friend (she has even ditched her best friend at times for me). She says she went to talk about me regarding getting me work in her city, but seriously, that could be done any other time of the day rather than the time I get to speak to her and was waiting to talk to her.

Why should she have been replying 'warmly' when you were adding to her stress levels. She needed some time to vent and let in fresh air before she talked to you because you were acting like a fool and bugging her all day.

She wasn't replying warmly all day as she was busy with work and was stressed, and I kept messaging her to talk to me and please tell me what's wrong, and she would say.'nothing' or not reply. and again in the eve I messaged if I could talk to her and I wanted to and she asks me if she can go out for a bit with this guy. I was basically shocked when I heard it as I had kept messaging her that I wanted to talk to her.

But my girlfriend (1 year long distance relationship) would always chat with me every night since we started dating. Even if her friends asked her to go out, she would refuse as that was 'our time' and she would rather talk to me than go party.

So every night for a year she has put aside everything to talk to you? That isn't healthy. She should spend time with her friends and you should spend time with yours. She shouldn't have to ask if it is okay if she meets up with a friend. She should be able to let you know she cares about you and will talk to you later. Both of you need to take an evening or two and have fun with friends without the worry about getting back in time to 'chat' with each other.

[Pboy87]

No No.. We do go out with our own friends.
Both of us... when planned with friends.. we do go..
But this yesterday just hurt worse as she kept telling me since the whole week she didn't want to go for her friends birthday and would want to stay home and talk to me.
And even when I was out shopping with mum she called and asked how long would I take to get home so we can chat. And when I got home this guy had just messaged her asking to meet and she asked me.
I had been wanting to speak to her the entire day as we didn't speak the previous night and she showed interest to speak as well..
But it never happened where if we were both already chatting she would then agree to go meet someone. It would be pre planned or if we had been chatting regularly or whenevr we went out it would be around 8 and we wouldn't wait up for the other person. But here I came home and she had just finished her work and we started chatting and he asked and she left at 11pm.
That is why its bugging me.
If it was pre planned I wouldn't care. Bt the fact that we hadn't spoken for more than a day properly was eating me and I did say that I wanted to chat and that's why she asked me when I would come and chat.
Now within the time that it took me to get home from the shops this guy messaged and she suddenly asks me if she should go?
That is surely weird when she has never ever done that .

This is going to be harsh.




So every night for a year she has put aside everything to talk to you? That isn't healthy. She should spend time with her friends and you should spend time with yours. She shouldn't have to ask if it is okay if she meets up with a friend. She should be able to let you know she cares about you and will talk to you later. Both of you need to take an evening or two and have fun with friends without the worry about getting back in time to 'chat' with each other.

[Michlania]

Mabye she didn't pick the time and why did you get pissed is what I'm confused about and don't exspect her to just drop everything for you my moms boyfriend does that and she gets pissed over that

[Pboy87]

Yeah she didn't pick the time. But she has always refused everyone when they asked her to meet out hangout at that time. Including her best friends. So her going now is what is bugging me.
What I am pissed is that she never did it for a year , even when I would try to convince her to go a party that her friends were throwing.. She would tell me off and say she is never going to go as she would rather talk to me if I'm free as she doesn't get to hold me and touch me so this is the next best. So now how come the next best thing was pushed down the list when a friend wanted to chill out.
I am not pissed that she didn't leave everything aside.. I am irritated because I used to be pissed at her for not having her own life and going out and she would tell me she would rather talk than go out ever and now when I really wanted to talk, she went out.
This is why I'm pissed.

Mabye she didn't pick the time and why did you get pissed is what I'm confused about and don't exspect her to just drop everything for you my moms boyfriend does that and she gets pissed over that

[Jake2008]

I think there is more to this.

This is a long distance relationship, right? Have you ever met in person?

And, if I read this right, there were two chat times missed- your prior engagement, and her going out to meet her friend.

After one year into a face to face relationship, the initial euphoria will begin to fade, and relationships mellow a bit, and become more involved. At the same time, partners will resume more of their lives prior to the first year. That would be, or mean, being secure enough in their relationship with each other, that there aren't problems of jealousy, or insecurity, involved when one or the other goes back to seeing more of their friends, or back to activities that had been set aside.

You grow together, but each has, in a healthy relationship, their own interests, and needs, outside of the relationship, and the relationship is solid enough to manage that easily.

In a long distance relationship, there is no 'next step' during that first year. The relationship is that one time of day, when communication is done, via electronic means. At some point, physically meeting is essential. To meet is really the starting point in my opinion, to carry forward with any plans, should it work out in person. You know you both like each other, but, where and when do things move forward.

It may also be, that after a year past with only chatting, and talk of you maybe moving to where she is, there is still a gap there, of the unknown. Personal relationships that are moving forward without at least spending time together, may be a little too scary for such a commitment.

I'm saying I'm not sure how realistic you are being here, and because you have so little to hang on to, you are feeling a little desperate to keep what you have. Had you been living in the same city, together, for example, and she went out to see a friend and missed dinner with you, you probably wouldn't have given it a second thought.

What do you think.

[talaniman]

Ever think you lack the flexibility to even be in a relationship? Reread your own threads and see a pattern of being too rigid to adjust even to the most minuscule changes that happen all the time.

Its like you take every chance to find fault in others and never see any faults in yourself. You want them to change for you but have you considered changing yourself? You just latch onto something and make it so big that you can no longer wrap your head around it.

Can't you just relax and let go of the things you cannot control without getting pissed or irritated when it doesn't go as you want? It's you that's out of control, and its been YOU in all your relationships. The situations don't matter as you seem to find something to trip over and make your partners tired of your crap, yet again.

Relax and let go. Or she will let you go.

[Pboy87]

We met in person first and then started talking on video chat when I left. Then she keeps coming every few months whenever she has holidays for a few weeks. And will be coming down this December for about 2 months to live with me.
I usually can't go as I have work constantly and don't get a long enough time span if I go. So she comes. That's why she is also looking for me to work there so I can live there with her.

I think there is more to this.

This is a long distance relationship, right? Have you ever met in person?

And, if I read this right, there were two chat times missed- your prior engagement, and her going out to meet her friend.

After one year into a face to face relationship, the initial euphoria will begin to fade, and relationships mellow a bit, and become more involved. At the same time, partners will resume more of their lives prior to the first year. That would be, or mean, being secure enough in their relationship with each other, that there aren't problems of jealousy, or insecurity, involved when one or the other goes back to seeing more of their friends, or back to activities that had been set aside.

You grow together, but each has, in a healthy relationship, their own interests, and needs, outside of the relationship, and the relationship is solid enough to manage that easily.

In a long distance relationship, there is no 'next step' during that first year. The relationship is that one time of day, when communication is done, via electronic means. At some point, physically meeting is essential. To meet is really the starting point in my opinion, to carry forward with any plans, should it work out in person. You know you both like each other, but, where and when do things move forward.

It may also be, that after a year past with only chatting, and talk of you maybe moving to where she is, there is still a gap there, of the unknown. Personal relationships that are moving forward without at least spending time together, may be a little too scary for such a commitment.

I'm saying I'm not sure how realistic you are being here, and because you have so little to hang on to, you are feeling a little desperate to keep what you have. Had you been living in the same city, together, for example, and she went out to see a friend and missed dinner with you, you probably wouldn't have given it a second thought.

What do you think.

[Oliver2011]

Suggest everyone reads the former posts by this OP. He doesn't listen, doesn't apply suggestions, doesn't change, etc. etc. etc.

[mmresd]

You said okay, next time if you aren't okay with something then don't say it. If you are sure that nothing happened then what's the problem? Calm down, and trust your girl.