[Flatsouffle]

Ok I have a previous post about my mental state and here's an update...

I don't want to sound like a whiny little child but I have problems that I feel now are waaay beyond my control. At first I would have bouts of mood swings but now its getting worse and is interfering with my life. I get so sad and depressed all the time and its random, some days I would be so up and happy and feel that I can conquer anything (and its an awesome feeling by the way) and then out of no where (usually when I'm alone with my thoughts) my mood changes to sad and down to the point where you can tell I am mentally "not here". Im a college student, my freshman year I made a bunch of friends I had an actual social life and even made decent grades, senior year (around the time where I noticed the change) I pulled away from the social scene a bit so I could focus more on school I still keep in contact with my very close friends (this chick I met at work and my old roommate). I started to notice that my outings declined and I would barely get phone calls from my friends and even my family. I started spending more and more time in my dorm cooped up but it didn't bother me too much because I would just preoccupy myself with studying. But I did have a sense of lonliness but nothing too bad. My junior year I moved off campus because living in the dorms were too expensive I had two jobs and I was taking 18hrs of classes so I was busy ALL THE TIME which also kept me away from being alone with my thoughts. But in effort to concentrate more on school I left one of my jobs now I have wayyy too much free time. In my senior year I noticed the drastic change in mood. I have an OVERWHELMING sense of lonliness. I have no friends except the chick I met at work (were still close) and its hard for me to make new ones. Im naturally an introvert (unless I'm drunk) I have no meaningful conversations with people and its really hard for me to connect with others. My roommate and I were best of friends we were together all the time hung out and talked non stop I was always there for her through thick and thin even when she battled her eating disorder and her bad relationship I was always there and asked for nothing in return. She recently started dating this guy and now they're serious and we don't even talk I see her maybe an hour a week we don't hang out or even share the occasional text which is crazy because we live together. I have no one that I can talk to about my feelings I never get phone calls from people or text messages or invited out not even from family. I do try to put myself out there and I meet a lot of people but some how fail to make connections with people to form actual friendships. Im a week from being 22 and I already feel as if my life is over. I work a job that I absolutely hate but can't leave because I can't find another one. They constantly cut my hours so I can barely afford my half of the rent and other bills every month. Im always worrying about money which sucks, I find it harder and harder to get out of bed to go to class so far I'm failing class (attendance wise) because I can't motivate myself to get out of bed. I have no one here helping me even my college advisor told me I should just drop out which made me feel even worse. Even my job is threatened sometimes when its slow and I don't have much work to do I jjust think and my mind always slips into its depressive state no matter how much I try to fight it, to the point where I'm nearly in tears and my boss is on his last leg trying to help me keep my job. I have no more goals or ambitions I don't even know why I'm in school anymore and don't plan on having a future because I constantly have dream and recurring suicidal thoughts (which I haven't had since I was like 10). its getting so out of hand that even when I'm at work (actually working) my mind slips into suicide and images of ways to kill myself pop into my head. And I just tear up in front of customers which is very embarrassing. I feel like I'm losing myself and I don't see myself living past 25 which is scary. I want to talk to mom but after being around each other for 5 minutes we argue. I lost my faith in God from a past event and all my parents want to do is push religion in my face. I want to see a psychologist but I'm too poor to afford one (i don't even know how I'm going to eat for the next three days). I have pets that I care for better than I care for myself solely because I'm so lonely. And to make it more pathetic I'm currently throwing myself at this guy's heels that I used to date three years ago just because I'm so lonely and every day I try to convince him and myself that I still love him just so I won't sleep another night in a big empty house... Im hopeless...

[tickle]

Sorry, but this is more like a blog; no punctuation or paragraph structure make it difficult to read. What exactly are you asking us?

[joypulv]

(I see punctuation OK and find it readable.)

You are depressed, plain and simple, I would guess, from reading this and previous posts. I suppose you could be in the early stages of bipolar (or even remote chance of schizophrenia), which often start in the early 20s, but for now, you need therapy for depression and suicidal thoughts. Your school is supposed to provide at least a minimal amount of this through your health plan. Answer back if they say they don't.
In the past you have mentioned a tendency to be possessive and jealous about some guy you merely had a crush on. I wonder if you are extra needy? You tell us.
I admit that being lonely can be depressing. You do have a roommate, even if she isn't there much, and don't you have pets?

[Flatsouffle]

(I see punctuation OK and find it readable.)

You are depressed, plain and simple, I would guess, from reading this and previous posts. I suppose you could be in the early stages of bipolar (or even remote chance of schizophrenia), which often start in the early 20s, but for now, you need therapy for depression and suicidal thoughts. Your school is supposed to provide at least a minimal amount of this through your health plan. Answer back if they say they don't.
In the past you have mentioned a tendency to be possessive and jealous about some guy you merely had a crush on. I wonder if you are extra needy? You tell us.
I admit that being lonely can be depressing. You do have a roommate, even if she isn't there much, and don't you have pets?

My roommate is never home we used to be super close but whenever she gets a boy friend she dumps me, I don't ask much from her but I've always been there for her even when she was suffering from an eating disorder (i went through it myself and lost 55 pounds in 2 months so I know how it feels to suffer). But now it is the time when I need her the most when I call her she always says I'm with my boyfriend can't talk when I want to just hang out she's like I can't I have a boy friend but she goes out with other people and it happens all the time but the moment when something is wrong with the relationship she turns to me for comfort and I always give her my shoulder but now I need her and she isn't around. I even asked myself if I'm extra needy but honestly its hard for me to tell. Im just lonely and sad at first I had things to do to preoccupy myself but now I have time and I'm alone with my thoughts and they scare me I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.

[joypulv]

You didn't mention whether you have asked your school about therapy?

[Flatsouffle]

I did they told me there's counseling and psych therapy. Basically the counseling is free but they're just there to listen not diagnose our prescribe and they accrual psych therapy cost and is partially covered by or UHP insurance but there's a Co payment and fee per session (which I can't afford) I guessing can start seeing the counselor at least because I'm bottling up a lot of my emotions if not all of them. It kind of sucks at work I told a few of my managers about my condition and they joke around calling me crazy sometimes I get a laugh out but it kind of hurts to see how they really feel I know they mean no harm by it but it still hurts

[joypulv]

You are just venting here. All we can do is give you advice about life and relationships, or direct you towards professional help. You have to tell us which of those is what you can or can't handle. If the counseling is free, take it, for pity's sake. Diagnosis is not meaningful. It's a tool needed for insurance claims. If you are actively suicidal (plans rather than just thoughts), then they will put you in a hospital. If that is what you feel you need, agree to it willingly to give yourself more rights while in there.

I can't tell if you are a depressed, insecure, needy young person, who has lost the friendship of her roommate and whose crush didn't work out, a very common 'condition' as you call it, or if you are truly gearing up for mental illness. Here's how it works in the business: you are assumed to not have a definable illness until proven otherwise. So go see the counselor!