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Rockabilly1955mama · Mar 29, 2007, 11:20 AM

Well, I was in a serious relationship for 2 1/2 years. He cheated on me, and abused me mentally. So I let him go. I mean, seriously no woman needs to be treated in ways such as these.

Now, he will not leave me alone. He's getting to the point where he's scaring the hell out of me. He shows up to my work for no reason at all and half of the time he's drunk and blabbering about the good times.

He stalks me everywhere I seem to go. It's been going on for about 3 months now and I hate it. I've called the cops on him numerous times and he's been sent to jail.

I'm thinking about getting a restraining order from him, but is that too much? Should I just wait awhile to see if he calms down?

Please help.

4answers · Mar 29, 2007, 12:28 PM

Hi Rockabilly

Your ex is caught up in the emotions he is feeling. The emotions are not rational, but instintual, but he will not see this. Therefore in his mind his actions are rational and he is right to act on them. This will more than likely not be done out of spite but out of one sided love and an extreamly high emotional state of mind.

To give an example, have you ever really, really lost your temper and done something that was stupid or hurtfull, but at the time it seemed the rational, logical thing to do. Exactly the same emotional loss of control, only trouble is, you thought you were in control. Its only everyone else who is not in such an emotional high state of mind that realise how out of control you are.

Regretably I have been there. I hope this helps, I can't give further advice without knowing more of the curcumstances.

By all means feel free to send me a private message !

4 answers

4answers · Mar 29, 2007, 12:29 PM

P.S I have been on both sides, so I know how both of you are feeling.

i12bmenhappy · Mar 29, 2007, 12:34 PM

I have been in a similar situation. At first I was flattered that my ex was still that caught up on me but then it started to get creepy. I moved three times and he would see me on the road while driving home and follow me to my house. I would get text messages with my address in them just so I would know that he knew where I lived. If you feel that you may be threatened in any way NO a restraining order is not too much.

Matt3046 · Mar 29, 2007, 12:44 PM

It is really not a big deal to get a restraining order. Since it is a civil action, its not as if he will actually get into any trouble, unless he refuses to comply. Otherwise you could get hurt, he could get in jail, and then it will be a big mess. Besides he can come to court and explain his side to the judge. In most states there are pretty well defined parameters for orders, although it is still at the Judges discretion. But I think in most places stalking is enough, but you will usually have to convince the judge you are in fear. Start taking pictures and recording everything you can. And protect yourself.

4answers · Mar 30, 2007, 02:35 AM

A restraining order is a big step and does not help either party feel good about the situation. Leaves a long lasting bitter aftertaste. (Not saying it may not be necassary).

Sometimes a person needs to look at a situation they are in from a different perspective, what I mean is that at some point in your ex's life he will have had someone like him and for what ever reason he either no longer likes them or did not like them in the first place. He needs to realise and see that you are now in that position with him, once he relates the same emotions he can then begin to understand 1. Where you are now. 2. The destructive, pushing away nature of his obsesive behaviour. (Bearing in mind, his high IRITTIONAL state of mind, that he clearly does not see as irational). 3. The best way to come to terms and accept his fight reaction to the loss of emotional interest from someone who he has a strong emotional attachment to.

talaniman · Mar 30, 2007, 04:14 AM

If he can get drunk and acts a fool, then best get that restaining order. No telling what his drunk mind will do next.

Tuscany · Mar 30, 2007, 04:26 AM

If a restraining order offers you the peace of mind then I say do it. It is also a concrete way to show him that you mean business. I am with Tal... drunk people do not always think rationally. I am a big believer that you should be proactive rather than reactive.

ordinaryguy · Mar 30, 2007, 05:31 AM

Originally Posted by Rockabilly1955mama

I'm thinking about getting a restraining order from him, but is that too much? Should I just wait awhile to see if he calms down?

Get that restraining order. Better safe than sorry. A wise person once said, "I mean, seriously no woman needs to be treated in ways such as these."

Rockabilly1955mama · Mar 30, 2007, 11:00 AM

Thank you guys a bunch. I think I'll wait a couple of weeks. If he doesn't stop, I'll have to get a restraiing order. No if, ands, or buts about it.

4answers · Mar 30, 2007, 06:00 PM

Originally Posted by Rockabilly1955mama

Thank you guys a bunch. I think i'll wait a couple of weeks. If he doesn't stop, i'll have to get a restraiing order. No if, ands, or buts about it.

Hi Rockabilly, the only way he will stop is if he realises the destructive nature of his actions and emotions both on himself and you. At present I would guess that he is torn between positive feelings of caring for you and negative emotions at your lack of response to him. Therefore he is probably acting in a way of one minute being nice and the next being horrible.

If you are still on communication terms, follow the advice given, once he realises his actions and more importantly his emotions, you will see a different man. Part of his problem might be co dependency.

However, that said, its his problem and you have your life to lead. As I said earlier, without more details I can't advise properly. But if you are well past the communication stage then a restraining order might be in order, or at least let him know that is where it is going.

Regards 4 answers.

(I feel for what you are going through).

sammie07 · Apr 14, 2007, 05:13 PM

Originally Posted by Rockabilly1955mama

Well, I was in a serious relationship for 2 1/2 years. He cheated on me, and abused me mentally. So I let him go. I mean, seriously no woman needs to be treated in ways such as these.

Now, he will not leave me alone. He's getting to the point where he's scaring the hell out of me. He shows up to my work for no reason at all and half of the time he's drunk and blabbering about the good times.

He stalks me everywhere I seem to go. It's been going on for about 3 months now and I hate it. I've called the cops on him numerous times and he's been sent to jail.

I'm thinking about getting a restraining order from him, but is that too much? Should I just wait awhile to see if he calms down?

Please help.

No don't do wat you think you have to do and good luck you anit going to happy yill you hes out ur hair xx

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gypsy123 · Oct 21, 2012, 10:49 AM

17 years I have been dealing with this, it goes through ups and downs, It will never end unless you take control of your life, and let ALL your friends and family know what is happening, and ask for their support.

If you have mutual friends you cannot tell them anything about you that you don't want him to know.

You may still have some feelings for him or think you are being nice by not being" mean" but you have to cut it off, get police involved via restraining order, and do not waiver you must be persistent.

Don't be alone with him or give him any "in"... and if things get scary..

Cut off all ties, change your number, move if you have to... some people are dangerous and will never leave you alone.

I might be coming off as harsh, but seriously some people will think of you as a possession and cannot think of anything but themselves.. and that can cause you a lot of harm.