[Jiser]

I posted recently about a girl. I am 27 she is 20 A brief background follows: I've been friends with a girl for a year. It turned into more a few more two months ago but she was consistently off and on with me. We have been on holiday together for a few weeks it was great. During a period when she said it wasn't go to work I messaged her ex inviting him out to a meet up (online social site). I did this without thinking clearly. I don't know why I did it.

This was a month ago. Since we have started sleeping together and consummated our relationship. She found out I spoke to him and went mad. Last night we had a 'screaming' match. Nothing was cleared and I was honest with her I thought. She didn't say if we we are over or not.

I have sent texts apologising and I have tried to downplay this incident to no avail. I wwnt to sort things with this girl but I'm not sure what my step s should be. We had lots of plans going forward.

[joypulv]

Double whammy, perhaps even triple.
First of all you were in a period of 'it isn't going to work.' Second you did the unthinkable act of contacting her ex. Third you didn't apologize and leave it at that; you tried to 'downplay' it.

I personally would be done with you for good, but I am not her. The damage is done and all you can do now is wait.

An apology should ALWAYS be nothing but an apology. Reasons are merely excuses in disguise, and downplaying is the nail in the coffin. It means you want her to think it wasn't important. It was.

During this time off, spend it asking yourself why you did it. Saying you don't know why you do anything in life means you are doomed to a life of excuses.

[Jiser]

Double whammy, perhaps even triple.
First of all you were in a period of 'it isn't going to work.' Second you did the unthinkable act of contacting her ex. Third you didn't apologize and leave it at that; you tried to 'downplay' it.

I personally would be done with you for good, but I am not her. The damage is done and all you can do now is wait.

An apology should ALWAYS be nothing but an apology. Reasons are merely excuses in disguise, and downplaying is the nail in the coffin. It means you want her to think it wasn't important. It was.

During this time off, spend it asking yourself why you did it. Saying you don't know why you do anything in life means you are doomed to a life of excuses.

The on off 'section' was her doing. As soon as we got back off holiday she said she didn't feel the same then said she did. She was 'confused'.We then got back together for a week and split at her request and became friends for another week.

It was during this time that I was going to event that her ex was going to. To ensure things didn't get 'disruptive' I messaged him to see if he was going. During this period we had exchanged a few messages and mentioned he should come to another social - trying to be nice.

I did it as I was worried and confused as I was in love with her and didn't want to see the bloke to be honest. I guess a part of me wanted to be vindictive towards her with him for hurting me.

[joypulv]

That makes it all sound less serious, less like a triple whammy.
Maybe she is just too confused for this to work out, no matter what you do.
It takes two to sit down and have mature talks about what is missing, what is wanted, how to compromise and negotiate a relationship. It's work.
What does she want out of a relationship? Women often want the progress to be defined. Not all, but many, want to see and hear about the future, the white picket fence and the kids and all the plans for a lifetime.
Ask her to dinner and then someplace private to talk about you two, about life. Ask her gently what she wants. Tell her what you want.
It's been a year, even though it's been off and on, and maybe this is what she can't express.

[Jiser]

She has been confused for ages. Her life is a bit up and down with career direction etc. We have only been seeing each other a few months. We were friends for a year previous - where I helped her through an abusive relationship.

We tried to talk about it last night about me talking to the ex issue. My lodger tried to explain things to her in a mature way - he's older 34 been through a lot of stuff. We ended up in her car, her hitting me and repeating the same questions. Why did I do it? I am vindictive and spiteful for doing it etc etc. She would not see reason with me or accept my apology. I find It quite childish and I do not see that it was that much of a big issue.

Since I have text / facebooked apoligising once more, asking her to meet up. Telling her my feelings e.g. Really into her.

She has not deleted me of Facebook or made a definitive statement whether its officially over or not yet. Puts me in limbo now. Maybe I should give her some space and try in a few days or weeks?

Or should I just move on?

[joypulv]

Give her space. Wait about 5 days. Meanwhile think of something sweet and funny to send her, something you can draw or make. All alone in space on a surfboard, lonely and missing her. Anything. And flowers. There isn't a woman on this earth who doesn't like flowers.

Even if she says no, it won't do harm, and that's all that matters when you contact someone who doesn't contact you. She hasn't told you to get lost. If she had, I would have said get lost.

BUT this seems like a huge energy drain to me, all for more fights and break ups... your life.

[Jiser]

Give her space. Wait about 5 days. Meanwhile think of something sweet and funny to send her, something you can draw or make. All alone in space on a surfboard, lonely and missing her. Anything. And flowers. There isn't a woman on this earth who doesn't like flowers.

Even if she says no, it won't do harm, and that's all that matters when you contact someone who doesn't contact you. She hasn't told you to get lost. If she had, I would have said get lost.

BUT this seems like a huge energy drain to me, all for more fights and break ups... your life.

I have spoken to her on the phone for an hour. I have made small progress. I have just have to get her to arrange to a meeting... she said she may come and see me Friday... I think she will pull back though. The ball is in her court now. I will message her Friday and see.

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-767176.html

I see more off and on in your future, more groveling and begging and bet she loves it.

[joypulv]

'The ball is in her court now.' YES IT IS!
'I will message her Friday and see.' NO! You just aren't getting it.

When I said send flowers and a hand made card (and not in person), I wasn't talking about a damn message. There is nothing more insulting, boring, lazy, and deflating. Messages are for people in love and for families, not for jilted guys on the outs. You just aren't getting any of this.

[Jiser]

Well we sorted it out. Friday I saw her.

I now have to work with my issues of being to needy... and her potentially leaving to join the military.

I also think I am possibly more into this than she is. So backing off would probably do some good... not chasing etc.

[talaniman]

Not chasing, I like that.