[Memaw1952]

First of all I want to say I do love my daughter in law. My husband and I watch our 3 year old granddaughter Monday through Friday for 8 to 10 hours a day. She is now pregnant with our second grandchild. I know it is none of my business what goes on between her and my son. I also know they are having problems with their marriage.

My concern is that my daughter in law has a male friend who my son knows about. What I struggle with is that when my son works late she will pick up my granddaughter from me then go meet the friend for dinner but tells my granddaughter it's a secret and not to tell daddy because he doesn't like him. I feel it is confusing my granddaughter and she shouldn't keep secrets like that.

When my granddaughter slipped and told me she was going with mommy to see him she covered her mouth and said she was suppose to keep it a secret. I could see on her little face she felt as though she did something wrong and looked like she was about to cry. I told her it was OK and dropped it. This happens to often for me to ignore because of my granddaughter.

How should I handle this?

[N0help4u]

Really you can't do anything without betraying your grand daughters confiding trust. If the daughter in law was really trying to hide anything significant I'd think she would meet this guy before picking up your grand daughter.

[joypulv]

I really applaud your restraint. Too often it's the other side of the coin. You are in a true dilemma, and whatever you do (or don't do) could have repercussions, and I don't think anyone can honestly say what's the best approach.

I'm always in favor of dealing with the most direct relative, not the in-law. In your case it isn't clear how much your son knows, but I would still tell him - JUST events as they happened, not any speculation, not even any opinion about what it's doing to the child, or that she was about to cry. 'She clapped her hand over her mouth and said it was a secret' is really all he needs to hear. Keep it as short as you possibly can. No preamble, no summary, no reasons you are bringing it up, no conclusions, no apology.

Let him handle everything from then on.

[Memaw1952]

i really applaud your restraint. Too often it's the other side of the coin. You are in a true dilemma, and whatever you do (or don't do) could have repercussions, and I don't think anyone can honestly say what's the best approach.

I'm always in favor of dealing with the most direct relative, not the in-law. In your case it isn't clear how much your son knows, but I would still tell him - JUST events as they happened, not any speculation, not even any opinion about what it's doing to the child, or that she was about to cry. 'She clapped her hand over her mouth and said it was a secret' is really all he needs to hear. Keep it as short as you possibly can. No preamble, no summary, no reasons why you are bringing it up, no conclusions, no apology.

Let him handle everything from then on.

I have told him. So do I tell him every time it happens? Like today when my granddaughter told me he had dinner with them last night but that she can't tell daddy because mommy told her not to because daddy doesn't like him?? How would I bring it up?

[joypulv]

He knows, and that's the end of it.
We never know the real story behind what we 'see' in front of us. For all you know, your son isn't working late; he's seeing someone else. Maybe he started this and that's why nothing has happened that you know of.
That's just ONE wild guess. It could be anything. Maybe he gambles and has to work late to pay their savings account back, and this is how they agreed to keep the marriage intact. Maybe she and the 'other man' are working on a business idea. Want me to go on?
I remember a Law and Order episode where a man killed the man his wife was seeing secretly - turns out he was the planner for a huge anniversary celebration.
And I have to agree with the above that a woman having a tryst doesn't bring her daughter.

You told him, and that's it.
When the child says something, just say 'oh well' and change the subject with a hug and a smile.