[isabelle]

I can't see any "what ifs"in this situation. If you feel you have to learn from your own mistakes, why are you asking for advice?
I think you know why. You know this is self destructive and all the sympathy you get from any source will never turn your situation around. It will only hurt you more. As for once being a self harmer, I see this as a good way to get back into that behavior. No one wants that to happen to you. Your cry for help has been heard and I commend you for that.
Everyone has tried to help you. You are on page 4 of people giving you very good advice, but you are right... in the end you have to live with your own decisions.
I hope that you soon see the hopelessness of trying to change anyone before they are ready to change. That alone will help you get thought many of life situations.

[kazzz]

U ave miss understood,I was not a self harmer and would never do that,I've got a lot of good what ifs and bad what ifs.
What if he does get clean and every think is OK.
What if he don't.
What if I do move on.
What if I don't.
What if this and that, and I think only time will tell,I might be wrong I might be right but I will never know until I try.

[talaniman]

Kazzz, there is nothing for you to do, but get a happy life for yourself. Even he as sick as he is has told you that.

[J_9]

Kazzz,

Hun, please read this:

i was with a self harmer b4,i never loved him,thought i did at time but realised that i was in unhealthy relationship so i got out of it.

Do you understand that this man is a self-harmer too? The only difference is that his scars are internal. They are not visible.

Whether he snorts, smokes, or shoots his coke, he is self-harming. He is also self-medicating. He has problems that he is hiding from by using coke.

he been doc's and got anti-depressants and a number 4 counciling.dont no if he is going to it or taking the tablets but i do hope so.

I hope he does not take the tablets while using his coke. It is a very dangerous combination. One that could permanemtly mess his mind up.

i can't ave a life full of wot ifs.

This is exactly the life you are living by staying with him.

What if he gets high enough he overdoses and dies.

What if he starts stealing to get the money to afford his habit.

What if he kills someone in a drug induced psychosis (Don't tell me it doesn't happen, I just spent the day in a state mental hospital (forensic unit) with men who raped and murdered in a psychosis induced by cocaine).

What if he starts shooting up, if he isn't already and gets AIDS and gives it to you.

I have a lot of other "what ifs" but the list is to long.

wot if he does get clean and every think is ok.

Everything will never be okay, never again. He is an addict and will always be an addict. Sure he may get clean and be sober. But sobriety after addiction brings on a whole other set of problems. He will ALWAYS crave the drug. That craving will remain with him the rest of his life.

By staying with him you are enabling him. You are letting him know that it is okay that he hurt himself, and you for that matter.

Sometimes the only way an addict gets clean is to lose everything and everyone they have.

If you really want to help him, you must leave him. This will not only help get him on the path to sobriety, but will help you begin to heal too.

You don't see how his addiction is hurting you, but it is clear to us.

It is clear that you have a very low self-esteem otherwise you would know that you deserve better. You need to get yourself help, seek some counseling even if it is just Narc Anon. You need to learn that he is hurting you and that you are better than this.

[isabelle]

Kazz, I am sorry, I did misread your posts.

The thing is.. you are a self harmer by staying with this man.
I agree with J_9.. this man will never be OK and you harm yourself and him by enabling him.

You have got to get out and seek a new life. I know that can sound scary but it can also feel very good to depend on yourself
.
There are a lot of self help groups and some very good counselors out there. Why not try one of them. You may see every thing in a different light. It can't hurt and it may help.
The path you are on now can only lead to pain.

[kazzz]

I'm not with him and haven't had contact with him for over a week now,its really hard,but doing it,
Went shopping today bumped into his mum and then hrs later bumped into his bro and his girlfriend and there new baby and I wanted to use that as an excuse to text him but I'm not going to now matter how much I want to.
And his bro is the spitting image of him just younger.
And got job interview Monday and it's a six day a week job so hopefully I will get it and that will keep me busy.

[kazzz]

Yeah he knows exactly what he is doing and knows I deserve beta.and it probably is my insecurities and lack of self asteam that is making me go round in circles.
It hurts with or without him.it doesn't help that it was all out of the blue. One day we are talking about moving house and avein fresh start and the very next day he goes think we should go our separate ways and then makes up excuse to blame me for every think.then he said its not my fault and knows it is his.

[Rockabilly1955mama]

Honey, he's tearing you apart emotionally. And that's not right. I can feel the pain in your words. You don't need this type of emotional abuse in your life. You need to move on. I know it's going to be extremely hard, but it's for the best. You need to think about yourself in this situation. You've tried to help over and over again, but it doesn't seem to be getting through his head. Live YOUR life. Not the life of trying to make sure He's OK. He will realize sooner or later where he messed up. It may take days, months, maybe even years. And you don't need to be tearing yourself apart for that long. You CAN do better. You seem like a great gal. It's only a matter of time before you find another man who will treat you right and not care so much about the drugs. You just got to give him some space, pray for him, and stay strong.

[kazzz]

that's my plan.get a job get sum friends and get a life without him and hope that it will all b OK in the end.with or without him.

[kazzz]

Its silly things that are getting to me like going out and seeing other people happy.
And I was so looking forward to summer so we could take his two sons out to theme parks and stuff like we did last year.and get out the pool and stuff and thinking I will never ave that with him and the boys again is the hardest part.

[Rockabilly1955mama]

You're on the right track babydoll. He has two sons as well?

[kazzz]

Yeah two sons,they don't live with him but we had them every other weekend.he is a good dad.
Apparently they kept asking where I was and he told them I was staying with my mum for a bit.
And they asked if I was going to be there when there dad moved to the new place.there dad just said I don't know boys.

[Rockabilly1955mama]

That's good. Do you have a close relationship with the boys?

[J_9]

Sweetie, a coke addict is not a good dad. Do you see where his addiction is taking him? Maybe he used to be a good dad until the addiction caught hold of him. But now he is only a shell of the man he used to be.

[kazzz]

want to hear sum think funny,they are both 8,and no there not twins.

[Rockabilly1955mama]

I agree with J_9

A coke addict is not a good father. If he's treating YOU this way he may be treating them the same way.

[kazzz]

Yes had very close relationship with them.one of them has disabilities and I used to do every think for him. The other one was very much a daddy's boy.I was the only girlfriend that ever lived with there dad.
I agree that he can't be a good dad while he is doing the coke,but that's what I don't get,he will make sure the boys money is there and that they don't go with out,and he won't do coke while he has got them,

[J_9]

Two different mothers?

[kazzz]

He will ave a beer but won't do coke.obviously I don't no wots going on at mo,or if he is even avein the boys,however I ave come to realise that I was the only thing he had and now he don't I hope he has hit rock bottom and doing something about it.
Yeah he might see and talk to his family but they ave always gone to him with they problems and leave him to sort out his own.

[kazzz]

Yeah to different mothers