[cocoagirl]

Eight years ago, my husband admitted to having sexual affairs with women. One woman was our children's nanny. I had no idea. It made me sick to my stomach. I could not eat nor sleep for a number of months. He wanted me to forgive him. My husband is a type-A personality, hard-working, intelligent, and lacks patience. He becomes angry at small issues. For example, he becomes angry because I forgot to purchase batteries or toilet paper. He will display his anger in front of our children. What do I do? I clam up and become quiet. His words cut like a knife. I do not desire him anymore and find him repulsive. I avoid any intimacy him as best as I can. There is no joy in this marriage. The pain is unbearable sometimes. I daydream about leaving and supporting myself. I am NOT interested in any other man. I feel like crawling into a hole and hibernating forever. The only thing keeping me in this marriage are my kids. I put all my energy into nurturing and educating my beautiful children. The question is--should I leave when my kids grow up and move out of the house? It would devastate them if I leave now. I am trying to hold myself together emotionally. Do you have any suggestions? Counseling is out of the question. He will become upset. Besides, I already feel emotionally divorced from this marriage. This is incredibly sad and I mourn for it everyday. Anyone have a magic pill or advice?

[Clough]

You have posted a question that is very hard to respond to. Not your fault, though. I was in a similar situation concerning a marriage many years ago.

I have started a reply to your post about 4 times now. Got much to say about this. Have been there, done that.

In short, I want to be kind but also blunt. Your situation seems to call for this.

This is not a healthy situation for either you or your children!

I don't know why you would need to leave your children. Your husband could be required to pay for their expenses if you and the children left him.

Get out of the house and take the kids. Live with someone else for awhile. Plan to leave when your husband is not there. Do it with a relative or a friend. Sends a message to your husband. See how he responds.

Seek out a counselor for yourself, be it a pastor or someone else. You need to get through this.

It does not look like continuing to be together with this man is going to be good for you or your children. Are they afraid of him?

Keeping the marriage together because of the kids is not a viable answer because of the situation. You and they could be at risk for further emotional or possibly physical harm.

Things could change in the future with your husband, after you and your children have left. But, that is a big maybe.

You do not have to stay in this situation. Your husband is abusive. If not physically, then certainly emotionally and mentally.

There are women's shelters and Catholic Worker houses located in many cities for situations such as this.

[JoeCanada76]

Honestly,

Never stay just to try to make the kids happy. What I mean is. You have so much tension and you feel so miserable. How do you think your children feel? Obvously this men is abusive and very controlling. Do you want your children to grow up in that environment and always be afraid like you..

It is time for counseling. If that is the first step you want to take first. Work on that. Then make a decision after.

Obvously you are not ready to make a clear and cut decision right now. I would say go take some counseling they can help you with ideas, ways to cope. Decisions you can make and also programs that may help you and your children over come this.

Hope this helps you some.

Joe

[poseidon]

Hello cocoagirl,

Please forgive the lengthy reply but these problems are not easy to offer advice on.

It is very unfortunate but you are not the first, neither will you be the last to find yourself in a situation like this.

Your husband obviously has some very good points but these are secondary to what he should really be concentrating on, you and his children.

As you have not mentioned it, I assume there is no physical or sexual abuse involved. However, the way he speaks to you and criticises could be construed as mental cruelty.

The first thing to address is your husbands infidelity. As this happened over eight years ago and I assume you forgave him for this, I feel this is more of a side issue. Presumably he has been faithful ever since. If so, although you may never be able to forget it, you should try to put it into the back of your mind. Do you bring his affair(s) up when he criticises and shouts at you? If so, this will not help the situation, even though it must be difficult not to remind him of his past indiscretions in the heat of the moment.

Obviously your children love their father dearly and want him around them. But your children feel the same emotion toward you.

In your situation I feel it is choosing the best of two evils. Either stay with your husband and continue to put up with anger tantrums and criticism or cut and run with your children.

If you have tried everything to get your marriage back on a loving keel and have failed because of your husband's attitude, although as you say it will devastate your children, you must ask yourself which is worse? You continuing to suffer his treatment of you and keep the family together, or leave and see your children unhappy because their father is no longer in the home?

When a marriage breaks up, the children nearly always go through a period of unhappiness, sometimes, although wrongly, they even feel responsible and blame themselves for the break down.

My feeling is, rather than prolong your agony and that of the children, and if there is no way you can get you husband to see a counsellor with you, it is probably better to end the relationship. Believe me, even though the children will be unhappy at first, they will recover.

I assume that you will be quite happy for your husband to have visitation etc with the children, if so the children will get used to this and hopefully they will come to accept the situation and will realise they are better off because they will not have to endure the criticism etc of you by their father. This does affect them because they don't want to see their parents at loggerheads.

The longer this goes on and the older your children get, the worse it is likely to become for them if a solution is not found.

My advice is, before making a final decision either way, is to sit down with your husband alone and tell him what you have told us and tell him the situation cannot continue. Tell him that if things don't change you may have no alternative but to consider a separation and/or divorce for the sake of your children.

This may bring him to his senses. Of course it could strain your relationship even further. You are the only one who knows how your husband is likely to react.

If you do make a decision to leave your husband, please don't simply pack a bag and leave with the children. If possible, organise yourself with a place to go and make sure you will be OK financially.

It is very unfortunate but separation and divorce can be very messy affairs, especially where children are concerned. However in the long run, if you and your husband cannot reconcile your differences, separation and/or divorce may be the best course to take.

Having said all this I must say that I feel that it is very sad when a marriage which has lasted for such a long time and lasted through some very traumatic periods ends.

The very best of luck and I really hope that you and your husband can resolve the situation for the sake of you all.

Cy

[NowWhat]

I don't have much to add to what has already been posted - Just this to think about.

I believe we, as parents, set an example of what a happy marriage looks like. We hold up our relationship with our spouse as to say - this is what marriage is supposed to look like. I ask you this - Is this the life you want for your children when they are grown and start a life with another person? If the answer is no, then you need to leave. 2 happy parents apart are better than 2 miserable ones together.

Like I said, just something to think about.
Good Luck

[Fr_Chuck]

I will only say that any marriage can be made to work, and can be saved if the partys in that marriage will work on it. I would appear that he confessed to the affairs since he had guilt and was sorry, since men do not normally just confess to such things, That in it self is a good thing that he was open about it. Now the issue is that after 8 years you have not forgiven him and tried to move on with the situation.

Many people have issues with things having to be certain way, it is obvious he may be a very "scheduled" person and expects things to be a certain way, that is a issue he has to work on.

And claming up as you call it is never the way to resolve anything, he merely thinks at this point you have agreed with him and he is right and there is no communication going on.

It is obvious that the two of you need marriage counseling, and that if both sides work on it, and want to make it work, it will.

[misslala]

I have to put in my little "two cents" here. I am living proof that having a father who treats a mother badly has very strong after effects. My father cheated on my mother, yelled at her, was demanding and made her afraid. Finally, he left, and that was the best thing that could have happened to us all. Growing up I never felt that I was good enough for anyone, had terrible relationships that always ended up with me being afraid and the man walking out the door, inevitably mirroring my parents relationship. I finally realized that that was what I was doing and decided to turn it all around. Now, five years later I have a wonderful two year old son, and I'm in a healthy relationship with his father, my fiancé. Believe me, from your children's perspective, the results can be deadly... thank God I became aware before it was too late. Children live what they learn. If your husband won't put them first then please, please I beg you to.

[hail1997]

Get out and take the kids with you. My friend is in the same situation as you. He belittles her on a daily basis and also does it to the kids. He yells at her and the kids in public for the silliest things. Leave while you can or better yet, ask him to leave.

[Clough]

Just an ad-on to my comments above.

It's very hard to think clearly when you are worried and in the midst of battle. Please consider leaving so that you have time to take a breather from all of this and to clear your head so that you can make informed and correct decisions.

You can do this. It would be okay to do this.

If he continues to harm you in any way - mentally, emotionally, etc. depending on the laws in your state, you should be able to get a restraining order against him.

[Marily]

I was once in a similar situation, the pain became unbearable, and my brain could not even functioned properly, the situation was out of my control. I placed the problem in God's hands and He dealt with it not in my time but in His time.

[Rockabilly1955mama]

You have posted a question that is very hard to respond to. Not your fault, though. I was in a similar situation concerning a marriage many years ago.

I have started a reply to your post about 4 times now. Got much to say about this. Have been there, done that.

In short, I want to be kind but also blunt. Your situation seems to call for this.

This is not a healthy situation for either you or your children!

I don't know why you would need to leave your children. Your husband could be required to pay for their expenses if you and the children left him.

Get out of the house and take the kids. Live with someone else for awhile. Plan to leave when your husband is not there. Do it with a relative or a friend. Sends a message to your husband. See how he responds.

Seek out a counselor for yourself, be it a pastor or someone else. You need to get through this.

It does not look like continuing to be together with this man is going to be good for you or your children. Are they afraid of him?

Keeping the marriage together because of the kids is not a viable answer because of the situation. You and they could be at risk for further emotional or possibly physical harm.

Things could change in the future with your husband, after you and your children have left. But, that is a big maybe.

You do not have to stay in this situation. Your husband is abusive. If not physically, then certainly emotionally and mentally.

There are women's shelters and Catholic Worker houses located in many cities for situations such as this.

I agree honey.

[louie1]

You have had many answers that draw similar conclusions you need to ask yourself what are you teaching your children? They are learning that it is acceptable to be treated this way.

[gypsy456]

Eight years ago, my husband admitted to having sexual affairs with women. One woman was our children's nanny. I had no idea. It made me sick to my stomach. I could not eat nor sleep for a number of months. He wanted me to forgive him. My husband is a type-A personality, hard-working, intelligent, and lacks patience. He becomes angry at small issues. For example, he becomes angry because I forgot to purchase batteries or toilet paper. He will display his anger in front of our children. What do I do? I clam up and become quiet. His words cut like a knife. I do not desire him anymore and find him repulsive. I avoid any intimacy him as best as I can. There is no joy in this marriage. The pain is unbearable sometimes. I daydream about leaving and supporting myself. I am NOT interested in any other man. I feel like crawling into a hole and hibernating forever. The only thing keeping me in this marriage are my kids. I put all my energy into nurturing and educating my beautiful children. The question is--should I leave when my kids grow up and move out of the house? It would devastate them if I leave now. I am trying to hold myself together emotionally. Do you have any suggestions? Counseling is out of the question. He will become upset. Besides, I already feel emotionally divorced from this marriage. This is incredibly sad and I mourn for it everyday. Anyone have a magic pill or advice?

Not easy... but ask yourself: what will be more devastating to your children and you as a person... staying in a relationship like this and for your children to witness and experience this energy or moving on and at least giving them a peaceful upbringing...

You are not trapped.
You may feel you are. But you are not.

Good luck.

[cocoagirl]

Thank you for all the advice. It has been helpful. Fr_Chuck is correct in stating that there is a lack of communication on my part. My husband travels a lot for his job and is home only on weekends. He called two days ago and discussed my apathy regarding our marriage. He stated that he does not blame me one bit for my feelings toward him. He said he understands how I feel and know that it must be hard to live with a betrayer. He said I will probably initiate divorce after the children are grown and independent. He realizes that I do not find him attractive and feels hurt by it. He wants to change and be the kind of husband I deserve. He said he is a terrible husband.

I told him that it was great that he is attempting to change and encouraged him. I stated that I do not wish to go back to my original state and give my heart. Emotionally, he threw me in a pit and walked away. I spent a long time pulling myself out of the pit and made it through with the help of our Lord. In the process, I developed a thick callous to protect myself. My main goal in life is to train my children as commanded by our God. I desire for my children to be better than me in the areas of discernment, judgment, and wisdom.

He asked what I needed and wanted from him so that I can love him again. I told him that I do not know. Honestly, I am terrified to trust him again. I have no idea what he can do to win my trust and to love him again. After our phone conversation, he has not called me in two days. Usually, he calls me few times a day.

What do you all think?

[NowWhat]

I guess you could look at the lack of phone calls two ways -
1) he is giving you some time to process what he is telling you so when you do talk to him - you may be able to give him the answers to his questions. He might be processing what you have told him and trying to figure things out on his own
2) he was blowing smoke and didn't really mean what he was saying.

You know your husband - for him to open up like this - is it normal? Is he trying to reach out to you? If he is and he truly wants to be a better husband to you - then reintroduce counseling - he maybe open to it. You had said he blows up at you in front of the children - you could tell him that things like that need to change. The way he communicates with you.
If things like that started to change - how would you feel? If he truly makes an effort and you can see changes in him - other things or feelings (such as intimacy) could change.
He is coming to you and asking you what you need - take advantage of that and tell him. He can not read your mind.
But, if you have emotionally/mentally left the marriage - you should leave physically. It is not fair to anyone involved to stay if the marriage is dead.

[Saby2284]

U Need To Be Honest With Yourself Within In Your Heart.. Are you Truly Happy With Him? Are The Kids Happy With U Both Being Together? Think About It.. If U Are With Him Because Of The Kids That's Not Healthy.. Does Your Kids See U And Him Fight All The Time ? Does Your Kids Like It When He Is Yelling And Screaming Or Both Of U Doing It To Each Other? If U Stay In This Marriage Your Kids Are Going to Think And Learn Later In Life That's Its Ok For Them To Be Treated The Way U Have Been Treated In The Past And Now. Look If U Truly Love Him And Want To Work Things Out Get Marriage Cousling And Fix It If Not Or Maybe He Doesn't Want To Work Things Out U Need To Leave And Live Your Life With Your Kids.. Your Kids Will Understand Later..
Well, I Hope I Helped U. Good Luck In Whatever U Do Godbless U And Your Kids.

[cocoagirl]

My husband and I had a lengthy phone discussion today. He feels that I do not love him and will not forgive him. He said it would be better if he did not come home at all. He blames our marital problems on himself and feels that he is paying for his terrible choices in life. I suggested counseling to him. He does not see the point in counselors, because the problem will never go away. He said I am always going to remember the past. He said he loves me very much and would be best if he moved out for a while. He said it hurts him that I do not want him or love him anymore. He has made a firm decision to move out. He was quite emotional over the phone.

I think he is right. As far as love, I am unsure of my feelings at this point. I am not keen on exploring that area. Maybe it is best to separate. By the way, he had a very strange solution to offer, but knew I would not go for it. He thinks I should have an affair and inform him. He thinks that will possibly bring us together. I told him that was disgusting and I would never commit adultery. This was not how I was raised. If I follow his suggestion, then I might as well sell my soul to the devil.

[Saby2284]

I am Sorry to Hear that he wants to move out.. It Seems to me He Never Wanted it to work it out in to Counsling.. There is Nothing you can do to change things now . Just like I told u Before.. Move on with your Kids and Be happy. You know deep down in your soul and Heart you did nothing Wrong! And Don't ever Blame yourself. Now, you can live Freely and Happy. AND Don't WORRY U AND YOUR KIDS WILL BE OK..

[NowWhat]

He thinks I should have an affair and inform him. He thinks that will possibly bring us together. I told him that was disgusting and I would never commit adultery. This was not how I was raised. If I follow his suggestion, then I might as well sell my soul to the devil.

You stick to your guns on that one. 2 wrongs don't make a right. I have a feeling that if you were to do that - he would have something to hold over your head. You would not feel good about yourself, so, what would that solve??

I think having him move out maybe what is right for you. I would, however, suggest counseling for you. You may have some intimacy and trust issues that could carry over to the rest of your life. Yes, you are always going to remember your past - counseling doesn't erase things - but it does give you tools on how to handle what life throws at you.

Good Luck.

[LATINS01]

Eight years ago, my husband admitted to having sexual affairs with women. One woman was our children's nanny. I had no idea. It made me sick to my stomach. I could not eat nor sleep for a number of months. He wanted me to forgive him. My husband is a type-A personality, hard-working, intelligent, and lacks patience. He becomes angry at small issues. For example, he becomes angry because I forgot to purchase batteries or toilet paper. He will display his anger in front of our children. What do I do? I clam up and become quiet. His words cut like a knife. I do not desire him anymore and find him repulsive. I avoid any intimacy him as best as I can. There is no joy in this marriage. The pain is unbearable sometimes. I daydream about leaving and supporting myself. I am NOT interested in any other man. I feel like crawling into a hole and hibernating forever. The only thing keeping me in this marriage are my kids. I put all my energy into nurturing and educating my beautiful children. The question is--should I leave when my kids grow up and move out of the house? It would devastate them if I leave now. I am trying to hold myself together emotionally. Do you have any suggestions? Counseling is out of the question. He will become upset. Besides, I already feel emotionally divorced from this marriage. This is incredibly sad and I mourn for it everyday. Anyone have a magic pill or advice?

Do not ever stay in a relationship where the person you love batters you emotionally. This is sometimes worse then physical abuse because emotional negelect heals slower. It is unfortunate for your kids, but think if he negelects you, imagine the mental scars your kids could have seeing their mother go through this. He has taken you forgranted and probably is use to this treatment and it has become routine to him. You are a possession to him, and not a person anymore. Another human should never treat another in this way.. Leave even if it is difficult, because the freedom will give you strength and courage.
When a man, sees his life flash right in front of him because he is on a verge of losing his family he will either get angry or come to his senses... An angry man is no man at all will lose all that he loves... If he comes to his senses then you now he has gotten lost, but through your love he has found his way back to your heart. That is when you both will find love in each other again and turn all the bad into good. Good luck