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helena123456789 · Aug 24, 2013, 05:50 PM

So first off, I'm adopted and me and my 4 best friends are in a fight with our "friend". We were talking today about how hurtful she is and they told me that she did something really mean about a month ago. So I asked them "what did she do" and it was about a previous (smaller) fight that I had with her. They told me that she wrote on a note that was going to be given to me "at least my parents love me".

This note was never given to me as my friends told her not to, as it was a really a mean thing to say to me. So it was my first time hearing about it! When we made up, she acted as normal, and said nothing about her little note, and my friends didn't say anything as they didn't want to either hurt me or they didn't want to get us in another fight.

I'm really hurt and mad that she was going to say that to me on a note! I need a way to tell her that what she did a month ago was really hurtful and I'm even more angry!! >:( Or if you have any advice on what you would do that would be great!!

teacherjenn4 · Aug 24, 2013, 06:05 PM

I'd tell her that she needs to be sensitive and caring or you won't be friends with her anymore.

Cat1864 · Aug 25, 2013, 06:32 AM

I think you need to take a step back and look at your group of 'friends'. They were very wrong to bring up something that someone said or thought about doing but didn't do to get you even angrier at her. That is about stirring the pot and causing drama to get what they want.

She thought about doing something in the heat of an argument but ultimately didn't. She changed her mind or you would have gotten the note from her. Now you are upset about something she may have thought but didn't act on. You have only the group of 'friends' word to say they talked her out of it. People who want to cause drama (or keep it going) will twist facts to suit themselves. For all you know, she may have had second thoughts on her own once she started calming down.

You are feeling hurt and want to confront her. Why? What did she say or do to you? How did she hurt your feelings? What do you get out of confronting her? What do your 'friends' get out of creating more drama? Are they trying to keep you from being friends with her?

Take care of the current disagreement. Work on strengthening the friendship or, if need be, accepting that you are too different in your thoughts and ways to be close/best friends. If you choose to work on the friendship, talk to each other about anything and everything. It's what friends are supposed to do. In those conversations you can talk about being adopted and how you feel. You might find out there are things in her past that upset her. Bonding comes from sharing.

We all have issues and hurts in our pasts. We have to learn to deal with them. It makes it harder to deal with them if you allow other people to open the wounds. There are those who will knowingly punch a bruise just to cause pain and to get what they want. It may be time for a new group of friends if that is the type of people you are currently hanging out with. She may not be the only one being mean or doing mean things.

helena123456789 · Aug 25, 2013, 06:52 AM

Lastnight she snapchatted me calling me a "jealous " and I sweari didn't say anything to her. She just came out with it and I said "i have nothing to be jealous of". And she then replied "yeah sure", so I said "yup nothing at all." help I go back to school on Wednesday and I am clueless on what to do!! By the way thanks for being considerate but my friends are not like that, I've known them for 12 years, they just thought it would hurt me so they never said.

Sorry the website cuts out swear words. She called me a "jealous b*tch"

N0help4u · Aug 25, 2013, 07:02 AM

Your friends advised her not to give you the note, yet at their convenience told you about the note? Sounds like you are involved with friends that play middle school games. You NEED to ignore their games and be the bigger person. Don't let anything they say or do get to you. People will say hurtful things to push your buttons. Sometimes it will be because they are hurting and want a way to make them self feel better. For example her saying at least her family loves her she actually could be trying to make herself feel better because maybe she has a tendency to feel unloved. By bringing it up you are only keeping their games going.

helena123456789 · Aug 25, 2013, 07:17 AM

I saw her write the note I knew she was going to give me something! But then I saw my friends talking to her and she didn't give it to me, at the time I didn't want to hear what was on the note as I figured it may be something hurtful and I brought up the conversation of the note when we were talking the other night, so I think ye have the wrong end of the stick!

Cat1864 · Aug 25, 2013, 09:36 AM

Originally Posted by helena123456789

I saw her write the note i knew she was gonna give me something!! But then i saw my friends talking to her and she didnt give it to me, at the time i didnt want to hear what was on the note as i figured it may be something hurtful and i brought up the conversation of the note when we were talking the other night, so i think ye have the wrong end of the stick!

I want you to think very carefully about what I am about to say.

Are you looking for drama?

It is time for you to make a decision, either you are friends with her or you aren't. Being friends with her means you accept her for who she is and you hope she accepts you as the person you are. Not being her friend doesn't mean you have to be her enemy. It means that you are polite but do not hang out with her or invite her to parties, etc. You live your life and leave her alone to live hers.

helena123456789 · Aug 25, 2013, 09:40 AM

Thanks help appreciated

talaniman · Aug 25, 2013, 10:50 AM

How old are you? Why are you letting everyone else's issues get you all stirred up? This so called friend does have issues so let her have them and go about your business unless you like to keep things all stirred up too, and cannot walk away.

Walk away and let her grow up.

dontknownuthin · Sep 10, 2013, 06:06 AM

I see this post has been here a while but still wanted to just make sure you understand it was a dumb thing to say because it's mean, but also because you have MORE parents who love you than someone who is not adopted. Birth parents do have other options like abortion, but yours chose to give you life. Then they chose to go through a heartbreaking sacrifice of letting you go so you could have more than they could offer. Then your parents found and adopted you. Adoption is not something that cones about accidentally. Those of us (yes including me) who adopt children really go through a great deal to become parents and it is purely motivated by love and desire to have a child. My adopted son is very much loved by his parents... all of us. We're quite a crowd, too. He has birth parents, foster parents, his dad and I (adoptive parents, aka mom and dad), and since we are divorced he has a step mom, too.

I think you gave an opportunity to teach this girl something. Instead of acting out of hurt and anger, let her know how concerned you are by her lack of insight and the potential she might embarrass herself by saying something so I'll-informed. Ask her, "are you if the impression my parents don't love me? What is that based on?" Ask her to imagine if she had to place a baby for adoption -if keeping it were impossible-and whether she'd care less for the baby if she did.

I learned later in life that I would have liked, to not respond in anger to ignorance. I find surprise and concern works better, like, "I'm concerned you would say something that is so inappropriate, and that you would go to the most hurtful thing you could think of to get back at someone in a minor argument."