[Hurtslikehell12]

Fiancée cheated and left me after 7.5 years to be in a relationship with the other guy! She moved away and left me but I can't seem to get my act together! Been 3 months now and I'd do anything to have her back but she acts like we never happened! I'm in shock because it was so unexpected! Where do we go from here?

[Wondergirl]

"We" don't go anywhere from here. It's over. Get busy with social activities, home projects, hobbies, reading books, volunteering (yay!) and finding yourself again.

[Hurtslikehell12]

Sorry, when I see "we", I mean "me"! That was a quick reply though thanks!

***say! God I'm doing well here ain't I? Lol

[Wondergirl]

Sorry, when I see "we", I mean "me"! That was a quick reply though thanks!

You're a good writer. Join a writers' group at a library or somewhere in your area. Or start one. (Everyone thinks he has a book in him, and wants to be a writer.)

Or join a book discussion group (for men) -- or start one -- business or self-help books --meet at the local pub once a week.

Volunteer your leisure time at a hospital or nursing home or library or animal shelter (shelter dogs give unconditional love).

Join a men's chorus or dart league or gym or cooking class. Take courses at your local uni or college -- learn to paint with oils or how to build something or study astronomy.

The world is now your oyster. Use this time to become a more interesting and exciting person than you were before.

Your glass isn't nearly empty, but is filling up now and will overflow with goodness and happiness.

[Hurtslikehell12]

There are some awesome ideas in there wondergirl... But when I come to write my autobiography, I want to be writing about her as the love of my life in the final chapter! There is a lot more to the story than what I have posted, this is just a brief summary. The important point though is that I want her back! I'm through chasing and am trying other things to keep busy, but she is all that is on my mind! I'm 8 days n/c after some awkward exchanges. I know you are looking at moving forward but really I just want her to realise that I'm a good, decent, honest, loving, caring guy that didn't deserve all this and really deserves another chance for us to be happy together! I've made all the usual mistakes and the situation looks grim but I can't give up - our future was going to be amazing together and I cannot get my head around it!

[Oliver2011]

1) Count your blessings that she is no longer in your life;
2) As one of my favorites WONDERGIRL suggests - get other activities going in your life.
3) Stop living in the past and look forward to the future. You know when someone closes a door in your face, kick open a new door.

You are in control of this and you are in control of your future.

[Wondergirl]

I just want her to realise that I'm a good, decent, honest, loving, caring guy that didn't deserve all this

If she doesn't now (it sounds like her mind is elsewhere right now), she will someday. Even I can feel your sweetness and goodness through the magic of Internet.

Maybe she will come back, but more likely she won't. Meanwhile, you can't just sit there spinning around in circles and waiting on her. No matter what happens with her, follow my advice -- you will be the better for it. And like dear Oliver says, the choice is yours.

(If you start a writing group or book discussion group, ask me if you need help. I'm a retired librarian and know stuff.)

[Hurtslikehell12]

Thanks - 1.) the end of my life as I knew it is not a blessing - although I know what you are getting at - it could have been worse. 2.) I have new goals and activities and even a few new friends - I also have the support of mutual friends that can't believe she has done this - it doesn't change how I feel and how much I think about her and live her, despite what she has done! 3.) I know I'm in control of me and I'm working so hard on me to try and get stronger and I will never be in this position EVER again! But it all feels so unjust and surreal - is it possible just to forget as though it never happened?

[Hurtslikehell12]

If she doesn't now (it sounds like her mind is elsewhere right now), she will someday. Even I can feel your sweetness and goodness through the magic of Internet.

Maybe she will come back, but more likely she won't. Meanwhile, you can't just sit there spinning around in circles and waiting on her. No matter what happens with her, follow my advice -- you will be the better for it. And like dear Oliver says, the choice is yours.

(If you start a writing group or book discussion group, ask me if you need help. I'm a retired librarian and know stuff.)

Thanks so much wonder! It's not something I am really into although I have been writing a very detailed diary for the past 2 months! Your kind words are very welcome... I just sincerely wish she would remember those feelings soon! I know it is unlikely she will come back now though :(

[Wondergirl]

it doesn't change how I feel and how much I think about her and live her, despite what she has done!

You have suffered a loss, a kind of death. Grieve for her, mourn her "passing." Remember the good times and when she was at her best. Plant a bush or tree in her honor and as a tribute to the many years you were together. Keep a special notebook or Word file of your memories and how you feel about things as the days go on. Put the best construction on this and pray for her happiness.

3.) I know I'm in control of me and I'm working so hard on me to try and get stronger and I will never be in this position EVER again!

Never say never. But now you are going to develop the tools to help you heal.

is it possible just to forget as though it never happened?

Nope. You will never forget her. I remember my first kiss at age 15 at 1:30 a.m. on July 17, 1961. He and I went together for almost six years, but I was not allowed to marry him. I have never forgotten him -- and that first kiss.

[talaniman]

You are 8 days into NC. Every day will bring you closer to getting through this life changing event of being betrayed and discarded. Healing is a process that takes it own time. Maybe you can think of nothing now to stay busy with, but family and friends may help a lot. Just to get you through until you do find better ways to be busy, and can best decide how you want to build a life to make yourself happy with friends and activities that you enjoy.

She doesn't have to be the last or best chapter in your bio. You have many yet to be written.

[Hurtslikehell12]

Betrayed and discarded! Shocking to think that someone so close to you for so long could do that! I have heard through the grapevine that she feels low and guilty, and I know she has been deeply depressed, but I know I've made some progress because I no longer want to throw myself under a bus just to try and make her feel better, I know she hasn't felt a fraction of the hurt she has caused me! But she was an amazing girl before all this and it just does not compute that she thinks she has left me for greener pastures (not saying I am perfect and I know from 3 months of reflection where I've been at fault) but nothing deserved this! I like the straight answers I'm getting here! Thanks so much. What is the likelihood that this new guy is just a rebound and she is going through some crazy phase?

[Oliver2011]

Betrayed and discarded! Shocking to think that someone so close to you for so long could do that! I have heard through the grapevine that she feels low and guilty, and I know she has been deeply depressed, but I know I've made some progress because I no longer want to throw myself under a bus just to try and make her feel better, I know she hasn't felt a fraction of the hurt she has caused me! But she was an amazing girl before all this and it just does not compute that she thinks she has left me for greener pastures (not saying I am perfect and I know from 3 months of reflection where I've been at fault) but nothing deserved this! I like the straight answers I'm getting here! Thanks so much. What is the likelihood that this new guy is just a rebound and she is going through some crazy phase?

"What is the likelihood that this new guy is just a rebound and she is going through some crazy phase?"

What is the point of us or you figuring out that answer? Do you really want someone in your life who treats you the way she has? Turn the corner and move on.

I tell this all the time so some people are probably tired of hearing it. But a few years ago my mom died, my dad died 2 months later, I got divorced and lost the job that I loved. It was all in a 3 or 4 month span. Now I am usually a more positive person than you would ever want to meet, but even that was difficult on me. So I got a new job and ended up meeting the love of my life. That wouldn't have happened had I not gone through change.

Change is not a bad thing as long as you don't allow yourself to be stuck. Let life happen and smile. Learn to appreciate the little things. We have all been through tough times and we have all survived.

[Hurtslikehell12]

Fair point mate - just don't want to slam the door shut on the best thing that's ever happened to me... I know it's the ultimate betrayal but I think we all make mistakes and everyone deserves another chance. But yet it's still me doing the chasing - that's why I'm trying to figure that question out my friend - and I know I may not like the answer! Thank you for your point though - you have all picked me up from a bit of a low day with your honest responses so thank you!

[talaniman]

She is the one who slammed the door! You just have to accept it, and leave it closed, and open a better one.

[Jake2008]

After 7 1/2 years, why was she still the fiancé, and not your wife?

Could it be that you haven't stopped long enough to really start to process the possible reasons she left you?

It is hard to believe that you have not yet understood, or at least stated, what the problems were that caused the end of the relationship. I'm not saying you caused her to run off with another man, but something, somewhere along the line, went terribly wrong.

Any ideas what that might be?

[Hurtslikehell12]

I'm 27, she is 26. The idea was to move in together and get married and live happily ever after. Shortly after we moved in she wanted to give up work to go back to uni - I agreed to support her in her decision and so that kind of put our lives on hold - we couldn't really afford a wedding, but we lived together and struggled on for 4 years. Her father died 2 years ago and she has struggled with depression since - but for my part, communicating, being affectionate, attentive to her needs, and being more spontaneous are all things I've let myself down in - and not really taking care of myself so she has probably lost attraction - but these are all things I've worked hard on the past 3 months. That's as honest as I can be jake, she'd be my wife by this September had everything gone to plan - she even has her dress but is trying to sell it cheap online! :(

[Jake2008]

It's good to see that you are trying hard with your own shortcomings, that may (or may not have) contributed to the breakup. Everything you are doing for yourself now, will see you a stronger man and partner for the future, and the next relationship.

Sometimes there is nothing you can pinpoint to and say, 'because I did this, or didn't do that, she left me'. Maybe many little things got between you that were eventually too much to work through. We would all have more successful relationships too if we could read each other's minds, and tune in when we should.

But, you must feel betrayed that she didn't stay to work on her problems with you, but found another man, and is now with him. She was testing the waters long before you knew, most likely, and you certainly cannot be blamed for her actions.

I get the impression there was little you wouldn't have done, given the chance, to save the relationship.

But what can you do. And what happens when/if she loses interest in her new boyfriend, and realizes that you weren't so bad after all. Will you take her back?

I hope that if you consider doing that, that you'll stop in here too for a little advice on how to wade through those difficult waters, should it happen.

In the meanwhile, as cliché as it sounds, time is a healer. Allow yourself the luxury of time in sorting this all out. I would say that she has already moved on.

Maybe this will end up being a blessing in disguise.

[Hurtslikehell12]

Thanks jake - I should also add that I have given her far too much space and been too passive - and dependent on her love! I only realised this in hindsight! I would do anything and as much as I know there's a lot to sort out before we can think about wedding bells again (if that ever were to happen!) I know I'd take her back in a heartbeat. This may also sound cliché, but the person she has become is not the real her! Again, there's a bit more to the story but the main points are all here and the extra details is probably me clinging to false hope - people change, don't they?

[smashb2003]

Holy , seeing this thread is like looking into a mirror. My relationship wasn't nearly as serious as yours (marriage, length), but I felt I knew a girl better than anyone else and then bam she was 'over it' the next day and on to the next one. Hurts like hell, don't it? We can't make them love us, no matter how much we love and care for them. I've gone from fighting for her through long talks, to giving her space, to talking with whoever would listen, and none of those things will make HER feel any differently about YOU unless she wants to.

We cannot put our lives on hold for these women and have to hope that a) we either realize this is best for us, because if this was happening to a friend we no doubt would tell them that and that long term they shouldn't be with someone who would disregard them in a manner or b) hope that when they come back, they are genuine, we are forgiving and we can start something new. My time with my ex and your 7.5 years with yours don't mean anything now after what has happened and in the manner it has happened. We have to live in the moment and plan for the future. Any reconciliation from these events would basically require a relationship starting over in terms of trust as far as I can tell right now, and that's important to remember that things just won't magically go back to the way they were. We're stuck in the past man, because it feels better to know our ladies during that time instead of the living breathing reality of RIGHT NOW