[Parrothead101]

Is there anyone out there that can help stop my heart from being in love with a married man. Have been having an affair with my boss for 2 years now. Guess I really can't call it an affair. Never takes me anywhere and never buys me stuff for Christmas, Valentine's or Birthday. Best word for it would be f**k buddies, sadly. Anyway, the lust is gone and now my emotions are trying to take over. I want him, I love him and now have become sad and blue and all alone. Everything I have checked out on the web about married men is true. I know, deep down, I deserve more and better than this. He stepped into my life when I was very alone and not feeling very desirable. Any words would be appreciated.

[robertsqueen]

The best way to get over him is to break it off right away. He is married and you are the other woman...He oviously dosn't care for you becuase he never takes you out...and only wants you for sex. I am sorry that you are in this situation.

[Tuscany]

Sweetie,
I hope for your sake that you did not come to this board for support of what you are doing. I am sure it is tough for you, but remember you are the other woman in this. And please be prepared for some rather harsh (but truthful) responses.

[talaniman]

Tell him to leave you alone, and never bother you again and if a professional is needed to deal with your issues, then get one. You made a big mistake and as you see it was a dead end street. If you want to, you can heal but it's a lot of work.

[Squiffy]

You need to end this relationship. You are having sex with a married man, who then goes home to his wife and possibly his kids and lives a different life with them. You are just this bit on the side, something to use, like a toy or a new gadget. He doesn't love you, he is using you for sex, and you are letting him. Break it off with him, find another job, and try not to make the same mistake next time. That is the best advice I can give!

[smoothy]

Just end it, cold turkey, don't talk, write or see him again... in a few months the attraction will fade and you can find someone who does have the time for you since he won't have a wife or other girlfriend on the side.

[shygrneyzs]

NO sympathy here. You are like the woman who had the affair with my husband. I eventually found out. He never married her either! He married someone else after our divorce. So he was just using this other woman, to be the "other woman".

This guy is your boss? Quit your job and find another. Ask for a transfer, if possible. Get yourself reassigned to a different area where you will not see this guy.

You are not powerless and not helpless and do not need anyone holding your hand here. Which is fairly impossible to do anyway - you will do just what you want to do, no matter what anyone says here.

You said the right words to derscribe your relationship with this guy - it is sex and sex onnly. Now you want love and all that goes with that. Sorry, it is not going to come around any time soon for you, with this guy. What you have accomplsihed with messing around with a married man, is to put your own life on hold for two years. Instead of trying to meet a compatible, single man, you have bonded yourself to a guy who can never be your partner. The only thing he can offer is sex. And that is on his schedule, not yours. No special days of the year, as you have stated he neglects you.

Be wise and get wiser. Get some control back in your life. Say no to this guy and mean it. Get some self respect back.

[vlee]

Lustful sex or not in the beginning, it always turns out that someone (usually the woman) wants to add meaning to a sexual relationship. This will NEVER happen for the other woman. A married man is void of the ability to wine and dine you, you are a secret. So you will never feel special or loved on holidays or birthdays. Those days will be spent with his family. He will see you when there is enough time to have sex without getting caught. This was a dead end relationship from the very start. The fact that he is your boss is even worse. I say tell him it's over, stick to it. Find another job, and tell him you fully expect glowing references from him. Get yourself out of his life ENTIRELY!

[ggmagoo]

I never really understand why women put themselves in these situations. At what point in our lives do we say “Mommy when I grow up I want to be some mans concubine". Please forgive me for being harsh. Now you say you are falling in love with him. Falling in love with what? Do you love him for cheating on his wife? Would you like it if you were the wife being cheated on? Do you love him for (to quote you) treating you like a whore. Do you love him because he buys his wife presents instead of getting you his mistress something? I hope you are developing a new sense of respect for yourself by ending this affair. This man you are falling in love with has reduced you to the level of a personal call girl that doesn’t get paid.

Sorry to be so blunt….but I think tuff love/advice was needed here.

[momincali]

Parrothead, below is the post I placed in Lilliandiana's post where you posted a comment as well.

Question: So, if he bought you stuff on your birthday and Christmas and Valentines day, would that change things? That shows he cares?? That he doesn't pay for stuff like that means that you're just not getting paid for your services like the professionals do.


"Lilli and Parrothead- After reading both of your posts, I can see that you are in a lose-lose situation. You lose, the families of these men lose, it's not good any way you slice it. Affection and the desire to have someone love you and spend time with you (and even some money) is a strong pull, but it should never be strong enough to draw you and keep you into a bad and immoral sitaution.

Ladies, I can appreciate that you're taking steps to grow and leave these men behind, but pulling away slowly probably isn't the best method. I think that every moment that you spend by their side is good for them, but not you and certainly not their family. When you've made the decision that you will not participate in crap like this, you walk away. When you step on dog poop, do you keep the shoe on and wipe it away slowly? Probably not. You take the shoe off as quick as your hands will allow and hose it off outside before bringing the shoe inside and throwing it in your washer, right??? Why would we act so quickly to be rid of a stench in our shoe, yet we are indecisive about saving our dignity, our soul? If we found a cancer in our bodies, we'd have a surgeon remove it immediately before it spreads and does more damage to our bodies, to avoid irreparable harm.

There's another book, "10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up their Lives" by Laura Schlessinger. I know she can be blunt and harsh, but sometimes, that's what we need to get our attention. The shame is that alot of times, we won't read these books because we're afraid of seeing ourselves in them, yet that is what we desperately need.

I say we, because I'm a woman, not because I've ever cheated on my husband or even contemplated it. I think I chose my husband very wisely. I met lots of available men who were attractive to me, were fun, handsome, good listeners, yet they were missing something and I ended up paying the price for it. After so many heartbreaks, I made the choice to choose! Yep, choose my man. That meant that just cause he was flirting or was interested in me and showing me attention, that I didn't have to go out with him. I held out until I found one who was worthy in every way that was important to me. He had to have all the qualities that I thought were essential. Would he make a good partner, friend, father??? Did he share in my ethics, morals and values? Did he believe that committment, honesty and communication was key in a relationship? Were our differences going to enhance each other or cause problems later? It took a while, but when I found him, that was it.


Choose. We choose our clothes more carefully than we choose our men! What's up with that? Choose. Choose to walk away and not look back, no matter the sob story or promises. These men are not trustworthy and don't really care how sad or depressed or undignified these affairs make you feel. Don't mess with married men, ever, for any reason. If they are unhappy, if their wife doesn't understand them, if they only married her cause she was pregnant or stayed cause she got pregnant, WHATEVER the scenario, it doesn't change the fact that they are MARRIED. It doesn't mean it's just a piece of paper. The decision to sign that paper, to make holy vows in front of God and others makes that paper very different and very special. If they chose not to be men of their word and signature, then that is a huge character flaw."

[NowWhat]

I know you are here for advice, although I think you know what you should do - But I have a question for you -

When you first met this man - Did it ever bother you that he was married? Did you notice the ring on his finger? Does the commitment and bond of marriage mean anything to you?

I am asking you these questions - not to judge you - but to TRY and understand what you were thinking before you stepped into adultery.
I have been the wife in this scenario and it is so hard to understand what is going through the mind of "the other woman" - Do you ever really expect this kind of relationship to workout?

[talaniman]

I honestly think the other woman is a victim of a predator, the cheating, lying, no caring husbands. There may be a lot that of females that know what they are doing and don't care, but I think a lot of them have severe problems that prevent them from making good decisions.

[NowWhat]

You know, I don't know that I could say that the other woman is a victim. If the fact that the man is married is known from the beginning - she had the choice to either start something or walk away. No one is making them answer their doors and have a quickie with man before he goes home to his wife.
***I AM NOT saying that the married man is innocent AT ALL*** I am saying that when an affair is started - choices are made on both sides.
And, I do agree that some have bad problems - but it doesn't take away the gravity of what 2 people in an affair are doing to a host of other people.

[jbrandsr]

I am a man and from my perspective I suggest you break the relationship off because, a slong as you allow him to continue the relationship at the rate its going you are going to come up very short. A REAL RELATIONSHIP takes a man and a woman committing to each other. What we are suggesting will be difficult but it has to be done. I hope you find yourself a more meaningful relationship with a guy who loves you very much.

[louie1]

Snap I am in the same boat honey!

Thing is I am now going through divorce proceedings and he is still going home to his family at weekends.We have been seeing each other for a year and drive each other to distraction with the depth of our feelings.I cannot ansa why he has not drummed up the courage to leave but it is one excuse after another, his son is taking his exams, his wife is ill.We have both lost people over the last year and to me that should tell us that life is too short but he still stumbles.I know that I will eventually give up hope and probably just at the time he is ready to commit, we also have a 13 year age gap which makes it difficult as his wife has convinced him I will leave him as he gets older.

What will be will be live each day as if it were your last and enjoy/ absorb every second you get together it is very rare to experience a love that drives you to so much distraction.

My man gave me an analogy the other day which moved me to tears I shall share it with you as it might help,


When he and I came back to the uk from our week in the states we decided to go for a swim, problem was we stood at the edge of the pool and realised that neither of us could, eventually I pluck up the courage and jump in the pool ( this is when I asked my husband to leave) I splash around as I cannot swim ( the struggle of the divorce) all the while my new man stands at the side of the pool ( stunned at the affect our relationship is having on others) I eventually learn to swim and swim to the other end of the pool , he stands at the edge in pure pain watching me swim away ( the feeling of uselessness as he cannot heal the pain my family are feeling at being torn apart) eventually I climb out of the pool and walk away, he writhing with pain at being so far away jumps into the pool and instantly swims , panicking at every stroke as he reaches the other end I am gone!


Good luck with all you do but sadly I fear we will both be let down.

[herringelizabeth]

Does he have children? If he doesn't then. If you know were he lives,and his wife is home tell her that her husband is going out to eat,then say so you can go get a tan. Don't say but do this get on a braw and thongs,and when he gets home{ he really wasn't at a place to eat.} try too have sex, and see if he likes your body?

[chobitsfan13]

I'm sorry and I know you know this but he really isn't the one for you. I'm going to be honest, I don't know how you feel but I know you feel crappy right now :( I'm sorry. Gosh he is so not worth it. That loser.

[smoothy]

Something I guess I missed. If you had sex and if there is an emotional component to this... its an affair, no two ways around it. Like I said earlier, its best to end it cold turkey, before it causes either of you problems you don't need or want.

[lindeelouky]

Is there anyone out there that can help stop my heart from being in love with a married man. Have been having an affair with my boss for 2 years now. Guess I really can't call it an affair. Never takes me anywhere and never buys me stuff for Christmas, Valentine's or Birthday. Best word for it would be f**k buddies, sadly. Anyway, the lust is gone and now my emotions are trying to take over. I want him, I love him and now have become sad and blue and all alone. Everything I have checked out on the web about married men is true. I know, deep down, I deserve more and better than this. He stepped into my life when I was very alone and not feeling very desireable. Any words would be appreciated.

I had an affair from the age of 24 till 32 with a married man. I am also currently seeing someone who is married, but not as serious as it was before. I know that I have a problem with relationships, since I seem to be overly attracted to the already married man. Perhaps it is because I know not to expect much so I'll never get my heart broken or be disappointed. Afraid to let myself be hurt, which is what can happen in a "normal" relationship. I've had my heart terribly broken by a man I lived with for 8 years.
As far as the married man goes, my married man smothered me with gifts, mink coat, rolex watch, car, clothes, money, you name it. It was however,as though he had bought an paid for me, and I just had to accept it and enjoy it for what it is. I would never go back and change things, as I got five trips to Europe out of it. If you would just take advice from someone who has been there... Do not expect anything. He is not going to leave his wife. He will keep using you for as long as you allow it. If you are getting nothing out of it, I'd move along. He cheated on his wife, and very slickly. He will cheat on you too as soon as he is sufficiently bored. It's only a matter of time, Save Yourself
And get out while you are still young. I spent many years being secretive, avoiding friends and protecting him. Now, I am 50, unmarried, no children and wonder what my life might have been like if I had been in a normal relationship.

[Emland]

Get yourself a fresh manicure and new outfit. Print out a new resume and find a new job and get out of there. Start now.

You are allowing yourself to be used and only you can stop it. You are worth more than this and deserve more than he will give you. Go out there and get it.