[feelingunwanted]

Well, I've been married 8 yrs and we had a very happy, sexual relationship. But over the past year or so he's too tired or just wants me to go down on him unless we're drinking. We only drink on the weekends, even then sometimes he'll fall asleep so we'll go 2 maybe 3 weeks without having sex. I've talked to him numerous times about it but he brushes it off like I'm insecure. It's humiliating, I feel like I'm begging for my husband to touch me. I even brought up the subject of adding another female, I don't know if I could actually go through with it but I don't know what to do anymore.

[Wondergirl]

And how is the rest of your marriage? Sexual problems are usually only the tip of the iceberg.

[N0help4u]

Don't beg that could be part of the problem. Maybe his libido is low. There are nutrients and supplements you can feed him in meals like more foods with zinc for example.

[feelingunwanted]

The rest of our marriage is fine, nothing there has changed. I just feel he's not attracted to me anymore. 2 kids later, he's always looked at other women but that's all, he just looks. We watch the occasional porn but he started watching it while he's in the bathroom, and I'm like "really??"

[N0help4u]

Porn often densities guys over time so that could be the problem.

[Cat1864]

What are his work hours like? Is he stressed about work, money, children, time, family, etc. Is his work tiring? Maybe not physically, but emotionally and/or mentally?

How old are the children? Could he be getting concerned about them interrupting or hearing?

When you try to discuss the issue are you giving him a lecture about your needs and (perhaps by accident) shutting him down or are listening to what he says and trying to find a compromise?

Does he show affection and intimacy in other ways? If so, how do you react?

Something to think about: Do you find yourself attractive or are you looking for him to make you feel attractive? Are you constantly looking for him to tell you that you are beautiful and attractive? If so, you need to learn how to love yourself and to find yourself beautiful. Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting to please our partners and to get validation from others that we forget those feelings start inside of us. Others can only enhance how we feel about ourselves. They cannot make us feel something we don't.

[Jake2008]

This probably has more to do with communicating than it does about sex. And it probably has more to do with alcohol involvement, and needs and wants, not being met.

Eventually this becomes a situation where one party feels pressured to perform, and the other party feels unloved, ugly, self-depreciating, and depressed. The 'problem' of sex, affects everything, and eventually it boils down to a possible split, or something else desperate, to get rid of the problem once and for all.

There are many things you can do. Try talking to a therapist about how to communicate your needs and wants. Allow him to talk, and you listen, and you talk, and him listen. There are ways to rekindle what once was, but not without equal participation, and a willingness to change.

You may be surprised at what his concerns are. Maybe he doesn't say directly, because he is embarrassed, or feeling self conscious, or has a fear of hurting or disappointing you.

He may have a physical problem.

The cards- all the cards- have to be put on the table, in order to figure out what the problem is, and how to go about fixing it.

'All or nothing' isn't a reasonable expectation.

[JudyKayTee]

My concerns are:

"... unless we're drinking. We only drink on the weekends"

How much drinking is involved? Every weekend?

The most quick way to guarantee I (and I'm female) will not be having sex with someone any time in the foreseeable future? Suggest a three way. "... I even brought up the subject of adding another female..."

I think you are sounding desperate and needy and, yes, insecure, and I'm wondering if the situation (not "enough sex" and a relationship sometimes fueled by alcohol) is the problem.

Are you certain that other areas of the relationship are perfect?