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only depressed · Jul 11, 2013, 12:31 AM

HI everyone. I have a boyfriend from past 4 years and we are in a good relationship. But few years back due to some family issues I got married to some other guy and had to move to some other city. Even after my marriage we still are in touch and in the same kind of relationship we use to be.

Recently he too got married to some other girl (whom he doesn't love) that's what he told me. His behavior changed and mine to, as I am too possessive about him. He says he's confused as I'm his love and she is his responsibility. So he needs some time to think about our relationship.

We have not talked since a month as I am giving him space to think but I am missing him a lot and don't want to lose him. Please let me know what to do. My married life was never good since beginning, please help.

N0help4u · Jul 11, 2013, 06:07 AM

You do not concern yourself with him. Deal with.getting your current situation where you want it. If that means divorce do it for you not in hopes of getting with him. In fact do not call him he is married. He probably, might of said he is not happily Married to ease your hurt.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 11, 2013, 09:33 AM

Maybe he is trying to make his marriage work, he married her for a reason. You should be trying to make yours work too. Leave him alone.

only depressed · Jul 11, 2013, 10:49 AM

I really love him... and he too... itsjust because of him I am able to live my married life... dont know what happened... I can't live without him...

talaniman · Jul 11, 2013, 11:40 AM

Does your husband know of your boyfriend? What are you doing to fix your marriage? Does his wife know about YOU?

Leave the boyfriend alone because it doesn't matter if you miss him or lose him because it our marriage you should be focused on not a feel good boyfriend to help you endure it. I mean who get married because of family problem in the first place?

Maybe it' a cultural misunderstanding on my part so please clarify but if you have a bad marriage you should leave. Why can't you?

odinn7 · Jul 11, 2013, 12:18 PM

Why did you get married in the first place if you were still planning on carrying on with him? Maybe he got tired of you being married and decided to find someone for himself.

Oliver2011 · Jul 11, 2013, 12:21 PM

"i can't live without him... " Yes you can. Let's not be over dramatic here.

This has disaster written all over it. You chose someone to marry and so did he. That's it. If you carry on with this how many lives are you willing to destroy?

Homegirl 50 · Jul 11, 2013, 12:40 PM

Originally Posted by only depressed

i really love him...and he too...itsjust coz of him i am able to live my married life...dont knw what jus happened...i can't live without him...

I doubt he feels like he can't live without you. I'm guessing he got married because he wants a real life, real relationship. Leave him alone and either were work on your marriage or leave it .

only depressed · Jul 12, 2013, 02:20 AM

Guys I do understand what you all are saying.. but the point is he(my boyfriend) asked me to get married to him before I got married but I refused do to family issues on my end... he then got engaged to someone under family pressures... but still we were same in our relation whole of his courtship period... even after his engagement only I was his first prioprity... then after a year I got married in a very welloff family but my husband due to his dominating nature ,his fat appearance and very kiddish nature etc never made a place in my heart... even living culture diffrence really disappointed me... I live with my inlaws who are open minded but really interfearing... so only whom I can relate to the love of my life is my boyfriend because even after my wedding we remained the same for two year till he got married... I tried hurting myself many times... it seems my life is in ruins... no one love me.. I am not taking divorse because of my family and little sibling... tired of trusting and waiting for true person who understand me... I don't want let my boyfriend go because I know he somewhere still loves and care about me...

talaniman · Jul 12, 2013, 03:10 AM

All due respect but you sound like you are from India and involved with some kind of cultural/caste/arrangement and are not happy with the results.

Do you work and can be independent on your own? What would happen specifically if YOU choose to get your act together and be happy on your own?

I ask because you have made what was the happiness of the past into a crutch to not deal with the present. For whatever reason you both chose to please your families instead of yourselves, that is what you must either commit to, or leave.

the point is he(my boyfriend) asked me to get married to him before i got married but i refused do to family issues on my end...he then got engaged to someone under family pressures...

I can imagine your family put great pressure on you, but YOU chose to put family before a love marriage, and its time to let the mistakes of the past go, so a healing can lead to acceptance and deal with what you have allowed yourself to be led to.

The first step is letting him go. And hurting yourself over this is no more honorable than making family needs greater than marrying the one you wanted in the first place. Your way hasn't worked, nor will it, but healing and accepting its too late to go back, maybe you can find a way forward.

Oliver2011 · Jul 12, 2013, 04:44 AM

Originally Posted by only depressed

Guys i do understand what u all r saying..but the point is he(my boyfriend) asked me to get married to him before i got married but i refused do to family issues on my end...he then got engaged to someone under family pressures...but still we were same in our relation whole of his courtship period...even after his engagement only i was his first prioprity ....then after a year i got married in a very welloff family but my husband due to his dominating nature ,his fat appearence n very kiddish nature etc never made a place in my heart ....even living culture diffrence really dissappointed me...i live with my inlaws who r open minded but really interfearing ...so only whom i can relate to the love of my life is my boyfriend coz even after my wedding we remained the same for two year till he got married....i tried hurting myself many times...it seems my life is in ruins.....no one love me..i am not taking divorse coz of my family n lil sibling...tired of trusting n waiting for true person who understand me...i dnt want let my boyfriend go coz i know he somewhere still loves n care abt me...

You obviously don't understand, we get that. If you love Guy A you don't go off and marry Guy B. It really is a simple concept.

"i tried hurting myself many times..." If I had a nickel for every time I heard that. It makes a ton of sense that hurting yourself will not only make Guys A & B like you more, but also Guys C, D, E, F, G H, etc.

You know life is pretty difficult. Why add self-induced drama to the equation?

only depressed · Jul 12, 2013, 10:33 PM

Then what should I do... as my boyfriend is confused and doesn't want to be with me anymore or watever(dats what evryones suggesting)... n on top of that I am not happy in my married life its not working... I can't take a divorce... now what options I am left with... I am confused and out off my mind

Alty · Jul 12, 2013, 10:58 PM

Originally Posted by only depressed

then what should i do...as my boyfriend is confused n dosent want to be with me anymore or watever(dats what evryones suggesting)...n on top of that i am not happy in my married life its not working...i can't take a divorce...now wat options i am left with...i am confused n out off my mind

Every post you've written it's all about you. How you feel. What you want. How you can't carry on without him. Not once did you show any concern for him or what he wants.

This isn't love, it's dependency. You depend on him to make you happy.

Your option is to try to find happiness in your life, and deal with the choices you made. You can divorce if you're not happy in your marriage. You can try to work on your marriage, something you never even gave a chance because you entered the marriage with a boyfriend.

What you can't do is expect this boyfriend to give up his life, and his chance for happiness, just because you're miserable.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 13, 2013, 06:59 AM

Originally Posted by only depressed

then what should i do...as my boyfriend is confused n dosent want to be with me anymore or watever(dats what evryones suggesting)...n on top of that i am not happy in my married life its not working...i can't take a divorce...now wat options i am left with...i am confused n out off my mind

You leave the boyfriend to his life. Let him be happy with his wife and you work on your marriage. Try showing your husband a bit of respect and kindness because you have done nothing but disrespect him from the beginning.
Think about someone other than yourself for a change, you may find you can be happy.

talaniman · Jul 13, 2013, 07:27 AM

You need a life that you enjoy without him. You cannot change what he has decided to do, but you can change what you do about the life you have. His distraction is no longer an option.

only depressed · Jul 14, 2013, 06:14 AM

My husband from the starting never loved me.. he just says that... he just wanted a girl who can take care of the family and show me off in his friend circle... he does fulfill my wishes... but I never was attracted towards him because he's very very fat... I feel ashamed to introduce him to my friends etc... n he's dominating tooo it's a big turn off... I found every happiness in my boyfriend only... I want him back... pllzzz

N0help4u · Jul 14, 2013, 06:24 AM

What's done is done. What do you think cane done different at this point in time. Like I said you can get a divorce BUT what could possibly be your NEXT step??

Alty · Jul 14, 2013, 11:17 AM

Originally Posted by only depressed

i jus want him back ....pllzzz

How do you think we can get him back for you?

You're very selfish. He's happy with his new life, but instead of letting him be happy, and work on his marriage, you continue to hound him to be with you, take care of your happiness. That's not love. If you really love him, you'll let him go so he can be happy. Your happiness is the only thing that matters to you. His doesn't matter at all

Very selfish.

Cat1864 · Jul 14, 2013, 02:44 PM

Originally Posted by only depressed

my husband from the starting never loved me..he just says that ....he just wanted a girl who can take care of the family n show me off in his friend circle....he does fulfill my wishes...but i never was attracted towards him coz hes very very fat...i feel ashamed to introduce him to my friends etc...n hes dominating tooo its a big turn off...i found every happiness in my boyfriend only...i jus want him back ....pllzzz

This is going to be harsh:

Stop the self-pity party. This isn't about your husband or your ex. This is about you, your expectations and your behavior.

Your family didn't approve of your marrying the boyfriend. He got engaged to someone else. That should have been the end of your relationship with him. Instead the two of you continue to play games. Then you marry and do you give your new husband a chance? No! You act like a spoiled child and continue to play with your boyfriend. Now, the boyfriend is married and hasn't been in touch with you lately. Do you think it is time to grow up and ac like a mature female? No! You act like the child who has had her favorite toy taken away. It's all about you.

I am sorry that I cannot feel any sympathy or empathy for your situation. I might have when all of this started, but you chose to be a cheater and seem to have done nothing but whine about not getting your way.

You say negative things about your husband. But you haven't given him a chance. You have played games with your boyfriend instead of working on your marriage. Your husband may seem dominating because you aren't there emotionally or mentally. So what if he isn't thin. Great looks can hide a rotten center. You are looking for faults in your husband. You appear to refuse to see any positive aspects of him. He says he loves you. You blow it away as though it is dust on a book. He fulfills your wishes, but there is one he can't do anything about. He cannot turn into your boyfriend. Should he divorce you? Would you want that to happen?

You need to let the boyfriend go. Pretend he moved to Mars and you will never hear or see him again. Put your energy into your marriage. Try to get to know your husband as the individual he is. Look beyond outer appearances. Get to know the man. Put effort into making a marriage.

What do you know about your husband? His favorite color? Song? Movie? Book? Hobbies?

Maybe he does love you. You seem to be the one faking any emotions. Stop looking for a way out. Start looking for ways to improve your marriage.

You can either live in the past and cry about the wrongs done to you or you can work on building a better future. I hope you choose to work with your husband to build a better future.

only depressed · Jul 14, 2013, 10:25 PM

I really love my boyfriend... n I want to see him happpy... im not selfish... ill tried letting him go for his happiness but still struggling... n about my husband we did gave a chance to better our relationship but not much changes were seen... if I don't know his fav colour, movie ,hobbies... he doesn't know mine either... I know I am not giving my 100% to my marrige but I a trying too... I want evryone to be happpy and me tooo... is that so difficult...