[Jmend]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 11 months. We recently had an open conversation in which she said that she hasn't wanted to have sex with me in months, and that she only does it because it makes me happy. I asked her if there was someone else she denied, I asked her if she wasn't satisfied (lack of orgasms) she said she orgasms every time. She later said that she does not find the sex enjoyable even though she orgasms every time. I don't know what to do. We started at a high amount of sex then gradually I found myself asking for sex after a pregnancy scare. She reassured me that she loved me and that she still is attracted to me and I to her, it's hard for me to believe that the physical attraction is there and the sex is not.

[abnesby]

Try something new. Add toys or different places. Im going through the same thing with my fiancé. He is upset because Im not in the mood anymore. I have a lot that Im stressing about. That could be a reason too.

[natalieelectric]

If she is on BP she should ask her Dr. some types of birth control pills might cause in some ladies hormonal imbalances and lead to lower libido etc.. lack of desire to have sexual interactions.

[JudyKayTee]

You answered your own question - "then gradually I found myself asking for sex after a pregnancy scare. "

There is a regular poster here who got pregnant twice while using two forms of birth control.

What precautions are you taking? Has your girlfriend talked to anyone about how frightened she was, how that fear has stayed with her?

[Cat1864]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 11months. We recently had an open conversation in which she said that she hasn't wanted to have sex with me in months, and that she only does it because it makes me happy. I asked her if there was someone else she denied, I asked her if she wasn't satisfyed(lack of orgasms) she said she orgasms every time. She later said that she does nt find the sex enjoyable even though she orgasms every time. I don't know what to do. We started at a high amount f sex then gradually I found myself asking for sex after a pregnancy scare. She reassured me that she loved me and that she still is attracted to me and I to her, it's hard for me to believe that the physical attraction is there and the sex is not.

First, it is common once the first rush of lust has faded for the frequency of sex to slow down. It is not a good idea to think that frequency and attraction are equal. Besides lust becoming a more stable emotion, other aspects of life and living begin to affect the frequency. Things like work, school, friends, family, chores, stress, etc. affect the libido and timing. Just because person may not want or have time for sex doesn't me they are not and love with or attracted to their partner.

Second, the pregnancy scare. Have you sat down and discussed how it affected both of you? Pregnancy scares can bring up emotions and thoughts that woman doesn't realize she has. Depending on what was said, it can make her worried about the relationship. It can also make her afraid sex will result in another scare or in a pregnancy. Fear can limit the libido or even kill it. It can also affect how she feels about the act. Physically, it may still feel good. On a very deep level part of her may be responding, but her surface thoughts and feelings are drowning out the pleasure.

Third, how often are you asking for sex? Is she feeling like sex is all you want? Pressure to have sex (from you or herself) can be a libido limiter/killer. It makes what should be a mutually enjoyable sharing of intimacy into a chore. Something else to consider, how do you approach foreplay? Do you know that for a female arousal begins long before they get in the bedroom? Have you been trying to get her mind involved or do you think only of physical interaction as foreplay?

Fourth, talk with her. Not just about sex, but everything. Issues in the bedroom very rarely begin or stay there. Be honest with each other. You may find that as a couple you need to work on showing and sharing affection in other ways. Spend time doing things and getting to know each other on different levels. Talk about fantasies. Not necessarily what you want to try, but building a fantasy world to get you both in the same place mentally.

Don't try to 'fix' things on your own. Try communicating with her and working together to get over this hurdle. If you both want this relationship to last, this will probably end up being a minor bump in the road. But it will take patience, understanding, communication and cooperation to get over it. It will also take adapting long held expectations of what a relationship should be like to the reality of building one.

Good luck.

[Jmend]

She's not on birth control we still use conforms as our go to birth control. Like I said before she said that ever sense the pregnancy scare she has not wanted to have sex with me and only did so to make me happy. I feel that maybe me asking for sex single handedly killed the intimacy in our sex life therefor killing the enjoyment of sex for her. I'm concerned and want to revive our sec life. She says she still is attracted to me physically, loves me, and wants no one else. She is also going through some stuff with her family and school. I thought the stress and depression was the cause of this but she said it had been months since she's wanted to have sex. Could it be that she is channeling her depression into our sex life?

First, it is common once the first rush of lust has faded for the frequency of sex to slow down. It is not a good idea to think that frequency and attraction are equal. Besides lust becoming a more stable emotion, other aspects of life and living begin to affect the frequency. Things like work, school, friends, family, chores, stress, etc. affect the libido and timing. Just because person may not want or have time for sex doesn't me they are not n love with or attracted to their partner.

Second, the pregnancy scare. Have you sat down and discussed how it affected both of you? Pregnancy scares can bring up emotions and thoughts that woman doesn't realize she has. Depending on what was said, it can make her worried about the relationship. It can also make her afraid sex will result in another scare or in a pregnancy. Fear can limit the libido or even kill it. It can also affect how she feels about the act. Physically, it may still feel good. On a very deep level part of her may be responding, but her surface thoughts and feelings are drowning out the pleasure.
Third, how often are you asking for sex? Is she feeling like sex is all you want? Pressure to have sex (from you or herself) can be a libido limiter/killer. It makes what should be a mutually enjoyable sharing of intimacy into a chore. Something else to consider, how do you approach foreplay? Do you know that for a female arousal begins long before they get in the bedroom? Have you been trying to get her mind involved or do you think only of physical interaction as foreplay?

Fourth, talk with her. Not just about sex, but everything. Issues in the bedroom very rarely begin or stay there. Be honest with each other. You may find that as a couple you need to work on showing and sharing affection in other ways. Spend time doing things and getting to know each other on different levels. Talk about fantasies. Not necessarily what you want to try, but building a fantasy world to get you both in the same place mentally.

Don't try to 'fix' things on your own. Try communicating with her and working together to get over this hurdle. If you both want this relationship to last, this will probably end up being a minor bump in the road. But it will take patience, understanding, communication and cooperation to get over it. It will also take adapting long held expectations of what a relationship should be like to the reality of building one.

Good luck.

This is my first serious relationship, I'm used to just getting to the point with other girls. I love this girl and want to fix this I would not want to loose her over sex. Is there any pointers specifically about foreplay. I hate to say it but I'm inexperienced when it comes to foreplay and the acts leading up to sex. I want to make the occasion special and meaningful. She did enjoy sex and I know still does but her mind is clouded and I like an idiot somewhat killed our intimacy

[Cat1864]

She's not on birth control we still use conforms as our go to birth control. Like I said before she said that ever sense the pregnancy scare she has not wanted to have sex with me and only did so to make me happy. I feel that maybe me asking for sex single handedly killed the intimacy in our sex life therefor killing the enjoyment of sex for her. I'm concerned and want to revive our sec life. She says she still is attracted to me physically, loves me, and wants no one else. She is also going through some stuff with her family and school. I thought the stress and depression was the cause of this but she said it had been months since she's wanted to have sex. Could it be that she is channeling her depression into our sex life?

I wouldn't say channeling it, but it is and will affect all aspects of her life. Does she have any positive ways to release her stress? Going out with friends, hobbies, anything that helps her relax?

Do you mind sharing how old you both are?

Right now, I think you need to talk to her about the stress, etc. Work on reducing it and then we can discuss other matters. It sounds like she has others worries that are too distracting for her to think about sex at this time.

[Fr_Chuck]

Lots of fear if condoms are only form you use, they have a 3 to 18 percent chance of failure. So no wonder she is worried, Add other worries, and yes

[Jmend]

I wouldn't say channeling it, but it is and will affect all aspects of her life. Does she have any positive ways to release her stress? Going out with friends, hobbies, anything that helps her relax?

Do you mind sharing how old you both are?

Right now, I think you need to talk to her about the stress, etc. Work on reducing it and then we can discuss other matters. It sounds like she has others worries that are too distractinug for her to think about sex at this time.

We are 21 and 22. It seems abit foolish to be talking about all this love at an early age, however I can say that We both feel strongly about each other. I have had my share of women and her of men and we both agree that we are over that. I'm concerned not about sex now, I understand that due to her situation and all the stress she has at home sex isn't exactly on her mind. My biggest concern is that she said that she hasn't wanted to have sex with me in months. We have not had any problems emotionally and have had a solid relationship right up until about two weeks ago. So if its been that Long since she has wanted me sexually does that mean the attraction is gone?

Also when I approach her about the topic of sex she shuts down and doesn't want to discuss it. What do I do?

[talaniman]

You are so obsessed with fixing your sex life that you are totally ignoring the other areas of a relationship. Mainly the fact that the lust has faded and now you must focus on the parts of love that connect your minds. Look around and see what other thing are going on and what can you do to fix that, or talk of how you both can resolve it.

This is a time to learn and understand her wants, and needs and how best to address them. This goes well beyond the physical needs you have, and are about addressing her spiritual, emotional, needs that you have no clue about.

Lack of sex is merely a symptom of issue(s) in other areas of the relationship that need work. Find them and work together and address them. When the lust fades, the love must grow, and love is work, so get busy