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XD005 · Jul 8, 2013, 12:29 PM

Hello everyone.
So, let me start by saying I am a 20 year old virgin. I met this girl who isn't a virgin. I usually consider a girl not being a virgin a deal-breaker as I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it if a friendship ended up turning into a relationship and I didn't want to put myself through the pain nor cause any inconvenience for the girl.

But anyway, it started as a friendship. I was stupid and thought we could just be friends and I wouldn't end up falling for her, yeah it doesn't work that way. She invited me to her prom and it ended up being one of the most amazing nights I've ever had with a girl. Next thing I know, I've fallen for the girl although her virginity status didn't matter to me in the least because I had forgotten about it and just assumed in my head that she was a virgin even though she told me otherwise. I was happy talking to her and would even get that little goose-bumpy feeling occasionally. Although I'd later find out, she as a tendency for being too thorough with answers to questions and a habit of saying things I don't like to hear. On the phone, she mentioned the dude she had sex with. She talked about how he wasn't shy and did all these positions on her, etc, etc. I told her I don't like for her to talk about her past. Although she ended up mentioning things that remind me of it several times afterward which I again asked her not to do.

But anyway, ever since I can't seem to get the image of having sex with another guy with her giving such an big thing as her virginity to him. It doesn't even bother me that much that its done I mean what can I do with it but more so that I've wasted years of my life being abstinent, waiting for the right girl and expecting her to do the same and it doesn't happen. I guess I'm just jealous that I haven't had the joy of being a girl's first and now that I've met this girl, I'd very much like us to be able to share each other's virginity but I realize that this is impossible as its already done and I only have two choices-to either stay or go.

While I want to stay with her, I'm worried that if we do have sex, I'll end up feeling bad because I'm giving her something I won't get back from her. But if I go, I'm worried that I won't ever meet anyone as amazing as her who fits the whole criteria. I don't know I just need some advice from someone who understands how I feel.

odinn7 · Jul 8, 2013, 12:36 PM

You're putting too much into this whole thing. You either accept that she's not a virgin and move forward or save both of you the hassle and break up with her if you can't overlook it. In a way I suppose I can understand where your problem is... especially if she told you things such as how they did it and positions and all... I mean, who really wants or needs to know that?

On the other hand, you say otherwise that she is everything you want. So now you need to decide if she's worth it or not... and if you decide that she is, you will have to let this whole virginity thing go and not bring it up anymore. Truth told, at your age, it will be tough to find a virgin.

XD005 · Jul 8, 2013, 12:54 PM

Originally Posted by odinn7

You're putting too much into this whole thing. You either accept that she's not a virgin and move forward or save both of you the hassle and break up with her if you can't overlook it. In a way I suppose I can understand where your problem is...especially if she told you things such as how they did it and positions and all....I mean, who really wants or needs to know that?

On the other hand, you say otherwise that she is everything you want. So now you need to decide if she's worth it or not....and if you decide that she is, you will have to let this whole virginity thing go and not bring it up anymore. Truth told, at your age, it will be tough to find a virgin.

Yeah, I realize this. I think its cause I grew up being taught to wait until marriage which I've decided to let go as it dosen't seem anyone else does this anymore. Instead I just believe that whoever you have sex with, your supposed to stay with them as if you were married. So I guess this influences my feelings. And the worst part about it is I didn't ask her to even tell me those things.

As for that, that's exactly what I'm trying to find out for myself now. I suppose obviously I can't ask YOU guys what she's worth to ME. As for finding a virgin at 20 that's exactly what makes me feel worse about it. I feel like my entire teenager-hood was a waste, being abstinent when it ends up not even mattering in the future. But that's exactly what my girlfriend told me just 1000x more harsh. To quote her "I'm not gonna sugar-coat it but finding a virgin at your age is unrealistic and isn't going to happen." Well now I'm getting off subject though although I do know a couple virgins slightly younger than me but none of which I'd be willing to leave my GF for.

Oliver2011 · Jul 8, 2013, 12:57 PM

"Truth told, at your age, it will be tough to find a virgin."

And will be even tougher as you get older. I agree with Odinn7, you are stressing way too much about this. The art between two people is something shared which is beautiful. Maybe she was in love with the first. It really doesn't matter because neither you or her can go back and change the past.

odinn7 · Jul 8, 2013, 01:03 PM

I'm going to be honest with you and you probably don't want to hear it but...

First, I commend you for waiting. Whether that matters to anyone else or not, good on you... It matters to you and that's all it should matter to. Don't think it was a waste and don't listen to anyone else knocking you for doing it.

Now, here comes the part that you won't like... I think I'm reading a little bit between the lines here and to me, she sounds kind of like a jerk. I wonder if you are still with her because she's your first girlfriend or because you have convinced yourself that she's everything you are looking for... sounds to me like she really isn't everything. I had a girlfriend that was everything I was looking for... I was so sure of it. One day out of the blue she broke up with me and it hurt. When I got over it, I looked back on everything and realized she was a complete self-centered jerk and really didn't care about me like I did about her. Having time away from her I was able to look at things objectively and I was able to see that I thought she was everything but I was only convincing myself of that and she really wasn't. The human brain is an amazingly powerful thing. But anyway, she told you all this detailed information with no concern about how you would take it... didn't care about doing that to you. She got nasty with you and talked down to you simply for doing something that you believe in. I bet if you could look at things more objectively, You would see that she really isn't the one for you. I bet there is so much more that goes on that you just don't see it or don't want to see it.

I truly think this is not going to work out well for you.

N0help4u · Jul 8, 2013, 01:03 PM

You either get over it and deal with it or you break up, You haven't had sex with her and you shouldn't because then if you do leave her you can not expect a virgin/virgin relationship with the next girl. Don't until you know for sure, And there are different organizations of young people that vowed to stay virgin until marriage. Some have had sex prior to their vow but none the less you are better off finding someone that hasn't than letting the 'wrong girl' get you down because you can't deal with her past.

none12345 · Jul 8, 2013, 02:01 PM

I know you may feel that way right now but somewhere down the line, you'll be able to look past someone's history and learn to love them for the person they really are.

On that note, I also agree with odin. She did not handle this situation like she really cares for you. Someone who really cares for you would not put it so harshly and would try to be more understanding.

XD005 · Jul 8, 2013, 02:43 PM

Thanks for the advice you guys. I guess I'm just letting her pressure me into getting ready to do something I'm not ready for. As is the story I've been told with her, some guy made her believe you can't give a guy anything other than sex. Perhaps I should wait and see how things plan out as I'd like to at least wait a year or two before/if I do decide to have sex with her as I don't want hormones to play a factor in it at all. She is indeed my first real girlfriend as I'm her first boyfriend (the dude she lost it to was technically a fling). I'm probably just letting that cloud my judgement a bit as we've just been dating a little over a month (we've known each other since late March though). But that isn't long enough to truly know someone. There is still time for some possible hidden motives or agenda to arise.

I've told myself that I'm going to at least wait a year or two to really get to know her
Before I make my decision to have sex with her or not. I figure and hope by then, it won't matter to
Me her virginal status.

talaniman · Jul 8, 2013, 03:19 PM

I've told myself that I'm going to at least wait a year or two to really get to know her
Before I make my decision to have sex with her or not.

Two points here.

Both men and women, that have many previous experiences with sex like to be the first with a virgin.

AND

Hope she waits that long for you to know enough.

I say stick to your guns, it seems to work for you, no matter how it turns out.

XD005 · Jul 8, 2013, 03:26 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Two points here.

Both men and women, that have many previous experiences with sex like to be the first with a virgin.

AND

Hope she waits that long for you to know enough.

I say stick to your guns, it seems to work for you, no matter how it turns out.

Yeah I realize I'd probably still want to know how its like with a virgin. But I'll cross that bridge when/if I get there. Additionally, if she truly cares about me, I figure she'll wait. I mean would she rather wait until marriage or 2 years worst case scenario... But that's kind of why I think more people should decide to wait. If you do, you know for sure that your each other's first and only. But I'm not here to start a debate

talaniman · Jul 8, 2013, 03:55 PM

I don't see being exclusive after a month. Maybe in 6.

Handyman2007 · Jul 8, 2013, 03:56 PM

What she did in the past should have nothing to do with anything now. If she feels she needs to talk about it, then you have to find a way to deflect that without turning her away from you. Look you are 20, you don't mention her age but I am going to presume she is that. She's an adult. So are you. Handle it that way. Her "virginity" status should have nothing to do with anything. I am afraid that whomever you meet in this age group probably is NOT a virgin anymore. Move ahead,, don't look at her past... look at what the two of you can share.

XD005 · Jul 9, 2013, 02:42 AM

Originally Posted by Handyman2007

What she did in the past should have nothing to do with anything now. If she feels she needs to talk about it, then you have to find a way to deflect that without turning her away from you. Look you are 20,,you don't mention her age but I am going to presume she is that. She's an adult. So are you. Handle it that way. Her "virginity" status should have nothing to do with anything. I am afraid that whomever you meet in this age group probably is NOT a virgin anymore. Move ahead,,,don't look at her past...look at what the two of you can share.

How it should be and how it is are two different things. I feel like she should be a virgin like me but that's not how it is. I feel like it shouldn't bother but it does.
That's exactly what I told myself before I started dating her and look what happened.
Hence why I even considered it as I'd normally say no without even thinking about it, additionally, she's 18.

As for what the other guy said, I did sort of rush things. So that's my fault there. She had said the most beautiful thing to me that day and I sort of acted too fast on it as I originally had plans to hang with a couple girls and decide which I like best which I did for a little while but not as long as I'd have liked. I was sort of enjoying the single life for a minute there. I already asked her to my girlfriend though so can't do that anymore. I sort of freaked out too cause a buddy was telling me that if you wait too long, a girl gets uninterested. In a way, I'm also not really ready for any commitment (especially with this situation) and should have once again thought things through more thoroughly. I feel as though in the future, I'd be able to handle it if I had a past of my own. I think that's probably what hurts the worst just that I have nothing to compare it to. I think if I could just say, well I've been with virgins before, been there done that, it wouldn't be an issue.

talaniman · Jul 9, 2013, 08:36 AM

Your issue is not with her, but in the way you deal with our own feelings, thoughts, and action. This situation has brought up feelings that contradict your expectations, hope and dreams.

It comes down to how you handle this new reality because for sure you have no control of over her and her feelings or how she deals with her reality. Hell she may not even stick around much longer. It' only been a month so far. Enjoy it while it lasts with no preconceived notions of it growing to be more important than what it is now, and keep your own dignity, and self respect, and manage your decisions with fact as well as feelings.

XD005 · Jul 9, 2013, 07:32 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your issue is not with her, but in the way you deal with our own feelings, thoughts, and action. This situation has brought up feelings that contradict your expectations, hope and dreams.

It comes down to how you handle this new reality because for sure you have no control of over her and her feelings or how she deals with her reality. Hell she may not even stick around much longer. It' only been a month so far. Enjoy it while it lasts with no preconceived notions of it growing to be more important than what it is now, and keep your own dignity, and self respect, and manage your decisions with fact as well as feelings.

Yeah, it has been quite a rude awakening. You bring up many valid points as well.
I think either way its best for me to wait some time as what if it dosen't work out and I meet someone like me later down the line, it'll be the same thing all over again but the shoe will be on the other foot and I wouldn't wish anyone this kind of emotional pain, it sucks, a lot.

talaniman · Jul 9, 2013, 08:46 PM

I know. It's really tough to not get carried away by your own intense feelings that feel SO GOOD. Or bad.

Fortunately for you it's only been a month, and have yet to make adjustments that work for you. Unfortunately for you it's only been a month and you are assaulted with this emotional conflict of intense feelings caused by your first adult relationship.

Simply back off the relationship to a safer emotional distance, and focus on other areas of your life that are important. That way the danger of this relationship consuming you is lessened, and give you the perspective of how it fit with your own goals, thoughts and dreams you have for yourself, and your future a you identify what adjustment work for you.

It helps to get facts, and make decision based on them, and NOT JUST those intense feeling, be they good, or bad. Especially with a hot chick that wants your body, and you like her too. Right now my guess is that's all she wants, and a good time.

If YOU know who you are and can stand for it, you won't fall for any BS!! That' why this is about YOU, and what you do about yourself.

XD005 · Jul 9, 2013, 11:43 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I know. It's really tough to not get carried away by your own intense feelings that feel SO GOOD. Or bad.

Fortunately for you it's only been a month, and have yet to make adjustments that work for you. Unfortunately for you it's only been a month and you are assaulted with this emotional conflict of intense feelings caused by your first adult relationship.

Simply back off the relationship to a safer emotional distance, and focus on other areas of your life that are important. That way the danger of this relationship consuming you is lessened, and give you the perspective of how it fit with your own goals, thoughts and dreams you have for yourself, and your future a you identify what adjustment work for you.

It helps to get facts, and make decision based on them, and NOT JUST those intense feeling, be they good, or bad. Especially with a hot chick that wants your body, and you like her too. Right now my guess is that's all she wants, and a good time.

If YOU know who you are and can stand for it, you won't fall for any BS!!!! That' why this is about YOU, and what you do about yourself.

Thank you and everyone else for the advice. This is by far the best I've heard out of the dozens of people I've asked regarding the subject. I need to stop taking everything so seriously as of yet and focus on me. I mean if I can't take care of me and my emotional issues, how can I take care of her or another's? Lately she's been demonstrating some undesirable behavior anyway as she's seemed to put more of an priority on making out, and sexual things than just taking time together or doing things. But we'll see how it pans out.

talaniman · Jul 10, 2013, 11:05 AM

Are you exclusively dating each other or just spending time together? I would hope there is no agreement of such kind between you after only a month. I much prefer a 6 month casual get to know you with no commitment period myself.

N0help4u · Jul 10, 2013, 11:07 AM

Originally Posted by XD005

I need to stop taking everything so seriously as of yet and focus on me. I mean if I can't take care of me and my emotional issues, how can I take care of her or another's? Lately she's been demonstrating some undesirable behavior anyway as shes seemed to put more of an priority on making out, and sexual things than just taking time together or doing things. But we'll see how it pans out.

You are wise beyond your years. Stick to your guns and get involved with Silver Ring Thing or a similar organization. They will strengthen your values.

XD005 · Jul 10, 2013, 06:40 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You are wise beyond your years. Stick to your guns and get involved with Silver Ring Thing or a similar organization. They will strengthen your values.

Thanks you. I think that an event or something like SRT would help me a lot as I've noticed that my beliefs and morals have become subject to change lately and I was at the brink of just dropping my desire to wait until marriage all-together but then I remember the reason why I have even decided to wait, is because I want one partner and one partner only in my life, obviously I'd want her to do the same.

And for what the other guy said, yes, I'd say we are in a committed relationship as its posted on Facebook and when she told me about this other dude she liked, I'm not even sure why she told me but she said that he asked her out and she said no she was taken already and she seems to get jealous when I talk about other girls so I've been committed. The thing is, I wanted us to be each other's one and only but I figure the reason I even feel that way is because I like her so I'm sure its subject to change if I end up meeting another girl and it doesn't work out.