[ls2jeff]

My girlfriend recently started lying to me, well let me explain a little better. My girlfriend has two guy friends that she has known a long time. Both of them jump when ever she calls. Now recently she was kicking it with one a lot, I told her about it and we fought about it for about two weeks. I thought we were basically over. So she doesn't see him for about two more weeks, and in the mean time she has this secret app that makes all his text messages go to her calender. I ask her how come she's getting text messages, but when I text her it doesn't make a sound as with everyone else.

Then the other night I went out for two hours, I call her to see where she is and I get riddles (well I'm not over that way but I'm closer to home). I already knew where she was, so 5;30 am she gets home. I ask her who she was with and she tells me Jim (that's the other friend) then she goes into this elaborate story about how she got picked up then went gambling and won this money. 200 dollars (we live in Las Vegas). Well I let her go on and on then I say, only Jim? Yes honey only Jim. Well let me see your phone, why do you want to see my phone? I said you know why, so she says OK I went out with Ricky and Jim. I ask her why she lies to me? And she says I know you don't like him. But why lie about it? She says I make stupid decisions sometimes.

So I look at her phone and all of his text messages have been deleted including call log. Again I ask her why, same answer stupid decisions. So what do you think I should do?

[joypulv]

All I need to hear is the 5:30 am part. You are being PLAYED. Doesn't matter whether she is having sex or not; she's not really committed to you at all. I'm not saying couples shouldn't go out with other friends, but this is going too far.
PS: she sounds pretty smart with all that phone stuff. You will be hornswaggled over and over again.

[Jake2008]

I think you need to stop demanding that her friends not be male.

Why are you so jealous. She is lying to you because she knows how you will react. i.e. checking her phone, interrogation, etc.

If you have never met these particular two friends, then have them over for a meal. That would most likely put everybody at ease. But then, jealousy has a way of rearing it's controlling and demanding head, so maybe it won't matter.

Next, because you are convinced that she must be doing something wrong because she has male friends, her male co-workers, next door neighbours and the guy at the bakery will all be suspect.

I think the problem that needs to be addressed here, is your jealousy.

[N0help4u]

Posted by joypulv
All I need to hear is the 5:30 am part. Doesn't matter whether she is having sex or not; she's not really committed to you at all. I'm not saying couples t go out with other friends,.

DITTO I think you need to start going out on your own, not caring what she thinks and get over her and get out of her life

[talaniman]

Why are you jealous of her two old friends? I think her lies are a reaction to you trying to control and isolate her from her friends.

[N0help4u]

Yep she is definitely lying so she doesn't have to hear his complaints of disapproval but I get the feeling they want 2 different ways of life and better off not being together

[odinn7]

I'm going against the flow here... I think she's messing around on you. 5:30am? Yeah, that's not acceptable at all... hiding things, secret apps... sure, I'll agree that you have jealousy issues but I don't think they are unfounded with her in this case. This is very similar to what my first wife was doing all while telling me it was only friends. I knew better and I caught her.

[talaniman]

No telling how far either of them has gone in their insecurities or deceptions but we do know the relationship is in crisis and unhealthy.

Such relationships won't last long and we know that too.

[joypulv]

I decided to mull this over some more, because of the wide gap in opinions here.
I notice now that you 'went out for two hours' the night she stayed out until 5:30 am, and wonder if that wasn't a message of sorts.
I think she's smart not just about phones and apps - she doesn't mess around with petty jealousy.
We don't know why YOU went out at night. Who YOU kicked it with. And so on...
You need to get a clear picture of your own feelings and actions, and talk about it with her without accusing. Or she's going to dump you first.

[JudyKayTee]

And I am standing next to my colleague, Odinn - he just got here first.

I don't know 100% if she's cheating. I do know that sometimes lying when there is absolutely nothing happening is a shorter road than perpectual cross examination and living with rebukes and accusations.

Reminds me of my sister who smuggles shoes into her house in a grocery bag. Why? Because it's easier than the lecture. Her money, her choice, her shoes. She doesn't want to hear it.

"Well I let her go on and on then I say, only Jim? Yes honey only Jim. Well let me see your phone, why do you want to see my phone? I said you know why,"

When you said "... let me see your phone ..." and blinked you would have opened your eyes to me packing. The Police conduct the same line of questioning, and you don't have to tolerate them calling you honey.

There either is trust or there isn't. If there isn't, leave. If there is, leave her alone.

I'd lie to the OP, too, just to stop the accusations.

I'm an investigator, and I'll give the same old advice - what you most fear you make happen and if you snoop be prepared for what you find.

" I told her about it and we fought about it for about two weeks" Told her? Not asked her, told her? This isn't a relationship - the whole tone of it sounds like ownership. She has three choices - drop old friends for this relationship, continue with the friends and tell the OP that's how it is - or lie. I say she lies while pondering the next step. And I suspect OP and his jealousy and "directions" for her life will only get worse.

And, yes, I've been cheated on. And, yes, he looked me in the eyes and lied. This is not my first rodeo.

[N0help4u]

Concesses: cheating or not, relationship unhealthy.

[ls2jeff]

All I need to hear is the 5:30 am part. You are being PLAYED. Doesn't matter whether she is having sex or not; she's not really committed to you at all. I'm not saying couples shouldn't go out with other friends, but this is going too far.
PS: she sounds pretty smart with all that phone stuff. You will be hornswaggled over and over again.

I think you need to stop demanding that her friends not be male.

Why are you so jealous. She is lying to you because she knows how you will react. i.e. checking her phone, interrogation, etc.

If you have never met these particular two friends, then have them over for a meal. That would most likely put everybody at ease. But then, jealousy has a way of rearing it's controlling and demanding head, so maybe it won't matter.

Next, because you are convinced that she must be doing something wrong because she has male friends, her male co-workers, next door neighbours and the guy at the bakery will all be suspect.

I think the problem that needs to be addressed here, is your jealousy.

DITTO I think you need to start going out on your own, not caring what she thinks and get over her and get out of her life

Yep she is definitely lying so she doesn't have to hear his complaints of disapproval but I get the feeling they want 2 different ways of life and better off not being together

I'm going against the flow here....I think she's messing around on you. 5:30am? Yeah, that's not acceptable at all....hiding things, secret apps....sure, I'll agree that you have jealousy issues but I don't think they are unfounded with her in this case. This is very similar to what my first wife was doing all while telling me it was only friends. I knew better and I caught her.

Thank you all.

[Cat1864]

A red flag for me is that you 'knew' where she was when she didn't tell you. How? Were you guessing? Did you mean you knew who she was with? Or are you doing more to track her movements than asking to see her phone?

It sounds like the jealousy hit hard after she started spending more time with one friend than with the other or both of them. Was there a reason you were feeling insecure about that friendship? Really, it does sound like her hiding things was a result of being treated like a misbehaving child. Was/is there something about their relationship that you haven't said?

When you think back, do you think you could have handled the situation that caused a two week long fight in a different manner? I would be hiding things too if I didn't want to wage another drawn out battle. Did you ever calm down enough to talk and listen to each other or did she 'give in' and, as it turned out, start hiding things?

IF you want this relationship to work out, I suggest that you sit down together and work out where the boundaries of good behavior are and trust each other to live within them.

Is 5:30 am that unusual when they go out gambling? I live in a town that rolls the sidewalks up at 10:00 pm so I don't know what the expectations are in a city that doesn't close.

[ls2jeff]

A red flag for me is that you 'knew' where she was when she didn't tell you. How? Were you guessing? Did you mean you knew who she was with? Or are you doing more to track her movements than asking to see her phone?

It sounds like the jealousy hit hard after she started spending more time with one friend than with the other or both of them. Was there a reason you were feeling insecure about that friendship? Really, it does sound like her hiding things was a result of being treated like a misbehaving child. Was/is there something about their relationship that you haven't said?

When you think back, do you think you could have handled the situation that caused a two week long fight in a different manner? I would be hiding things too if I didn't want to wage another drawn out battle. Did you ever calm down enough to talk and listen to each other or did she 'give in' and, as it turned out, start hiding things?

IF you want this relationship to work out, I suggest that you sit down together and work out where the boundaries of good behavior are and trust each other to live within them.

Is 5:30 am that unusual when they go out gambling? I live in a town that rolls the sidewalks up at 10:00 pm so I don't know what the expectations are in a city that doesn't close.

Here's a little more detail: before the two week fight, she had been going over there and telling me she would be back soon. I don't know what soon is to you but to me it's a couple hours, so she leaves its still daylight well when she gets back its still daylight the next day. I said to her that's wrong so she says I didn't take the truck so I had to wait until he takes me back. The next time she takes the truck, well she comes home at like 4:55 am well I can't just be stuck at home day after day when she comes home same time anyway. Now she has keys to his house so she goes over there while he's at work. Why I don't know, but she says because they are such good friends she could go over whenever she wanted, and that he trusted her. Well I said to her it doesn't seem right you spending all that time over there and only an hour or two here. I said if you don't
Want to be with me let me know she says no I see what your saying ill start spending more time with you. That's what she says but that's not what she does now she starts comeing home at three thirty or four in the afternoon. So she doesn't come home at all now so I've had enough I take her things and her dog and bring them over there. She told me she was
Not over there and to call her later. I was bringing them anyway, so I get there and two of our other friends are just getting there also. She opens the door I give her or should I say I leave her stuff and her dog outside. I leave and go home two days later she comes by gives me some excuse apologizes and I let her back. There is so much more but I can't type anymore.

[joypulv]

She's just not ready for one on one. She likes the whole hanging out with the crowd scene, and she doesn't like your jealousy. Either you accept it, or you join in, or you break up with her. From the sound of things she isn't going to change, and you aren't either. You aren't meant for each other. For all you know, you are just a home base for her and her dog that she can't really have somewhere else.

[ls2jeff]

She's just not ready for one on one. She likes the whole hanging out with the crowd scene, and she doesn't like your jealousy. Either you accept it, or you join in, or you break up with her. From the sound of things she isn't going to change, and you aren't either. You aren't meant for each other. For all you know, you are just a home base for her and her dog that she can't really have somewhere else.

That's what I was thinking

[talaniman]

Sounds like a dope house to me and giving you the benefit of a doubt, she spends way too much time with a group you don't know or like and you two don't seem to have compatible lifestyles.

Way too much conflict and drama. Hope you are done with it.

[JudyKayTee]

"I leave and go home two days later she comes by gives me some excuse apologizes and I let her back. There is so much more but I can't type anymore."


It is your choice to be part of the drama and heartbreak or to walk away.

At least once you have been a participant despite having your eyes open wide.

Another thread with half the story in the original question.

[none12345]

The more you tell someone who they can't hang out with, the more they will hang out with them and the more they will lie to you. It's a vicious cycle. This relationship is going downhill, I've seen this pattern way too many times. Perhaps its time to accept that she is not "the one".

[solidrock]

I think she's cheating on you. Break up before she breaks your heart . Sorry.