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sunnbee84 · Jul 3, 2013, 06:17 PM

My boyfriend hardly wants to have sex and when we do it seems like he's being forced. He sometimes rejects me when I ask him if we can. I of course get very hurt. What is going on?

>Merged threads<

J_9 · Jul 3, 2013, 07:33 PM

How old are the two of you? Our advice will vary greatly depending on your age group.

sunnbee84 · Jul 3, 2013, 08:33 PM

My boyfriend is 31 and I'm 29

CravenMorhead · Jul 4, 2013, 07:17 AM

What is his life like? Stress? Exhaustion? Drug/alcohol use? Medical conditions? How is your relationship outside of the bedroom? What is your intimacy like with your clothes on?

There is usually a logical reason for everything.

sunnbee84 · Jul 4, 2013, 08:28 AM

Originally Posted by cravenmorhead

what is his life like? Stress? Exhaustion? Drug/alcohol use? Medical conditions? How is your relationship outside of the bedroom? What is your intimacy like with your clothes on? ..
There is usually a logical reason for everything.

...
He doesn't abuse drigs he's slightly over weight but he's very active. No medical conditions... As for our relationship outside the bedroom is great. We have fun and enjoy being together... The only thing that sometimes causes us to argue... im very out spoken and he doesn't talk much. But he does get offended sometimes... He had been laid off almost four months ago... So I've been the one that's bringing money home...

CravenMorhead · Jul 4, 2013, 09:50 AM

For the love of all things fluffy and cute please stop abusing the ellipsis (... ). Periods are all that are required. A lot less typing as well.

Originally Posted by sunnbee84

The only thing that sometimes causes us to argue.....im very out spoken and he doesn't talk much. But he does get offended sometimes... He had been laid off almost four months ago... So ive been the one thats bringing money home....

There are a couple things I will comment on:
1). You're outspoken and he does get offended sometimes. I would venture that he gets a lot more offended, and more often, then he lets on to. A lot of men are patient and very forgiving when it comes to the habits and quirks of their Mate. I would venture that he can be generally annoyed and that might affect his libido.

From personal experience I can say that I have put up with far more then I should have, in retrospect, because I cared for the person in question. Annoying abusive behaviour. I would be pissed off for a while but get over it. Accepting what you can't change is part and parcel of being in a relationship. If it gets beyond what you can take then you'll leave.

I don't think this a really major issue but it can be the gateway that will start things going sideways. Maybe talk to him and figure out if there really is a problem here.

2). He lost his job and you're supporting the household. The feminist revolution, the post feminist revolution, and all that have caused serious changes in gender roles over the past century. There are something's that aren't changed as easily or have been white-washed, bottled up, and ignored. One of these is resource acquisition for the family unit.

It is generally accepted that the bread winner can be either the male or female, but the dynamic still swings toward the men providing for the household while the woman takes on a more supportive role. That is how a lot of households work and no one really complains about it.

So he's been out of work, which is a HUGE stressor, as well as being reliant on his Mate, which is a little emasculating, and you wonder why his libido is a little off. I would suspect that, while he is okay with you providing, he's not happy about it. He wants to take a more active roll in the family and it's upkeep.

These are the things that I have picked up. I have one last question, have you asked why his libido is so low? Sat down and explained to him what you're feeling and how you're interpreting the situation? It feels like there is a lot of talking going on, but not a lot of communication. You need to sit down and talk to him about this, but make sure you're not accusing him of anything. That will just shut him down. Saying, "I am not satisified because YOU'RE never in the mood to PLEASE me." Will make things much worse. Saying, "I am feeling that you're not interested in sex anymore. It makes me feel that I am unattractive." opens up the conversation a lot more.

Good luck.

sunnbee84 · Jul 4, 2013, 10:16 AM

Thank u

JudyKayTee · Jul 4, 2013, 11:32 AM

I read a great article this AM about why "your" partner might not want sex. The usual health/work issues were listed, also things like your personal hygiene (teeth brushed? Bathed? Hair washed?) and attitude (boss him around all day and he gets to be boss in bed, and that includes denying his partner), same thing with physical and verbal abuse.

Sometimes it's easy to blame the partner. Sometimes you have to look inside yourself.

And the clincher was - "Are you a good lover, considerate, gentle, kind?" Does he roll out of bed after sex and get lecture on what he could have/should have done, how sex could be better? Are his failures the first thing to fall out of your mouth during an argument.

Is it a case of "I no longer give a d*n, and so I'm going to just deny sex in the hope she will leave."

Things to think about.

I knew a wonderful man, kind, generous - with poor hygiene. Once or twice of that act is quite enough. I'm sure he's still wondering what went wrong. I'm not saying spontaneous sex isn't wonderful. I'm saying please brush your teeth and perhaps washing your hands (and body) wouldn't hurt.

And deodorant was invented for a reason.

sunnbee84 · Jul 4, 2013, 12:27 PM

Originally Posted by judykaytee

i read a great article this am about why "your" partner might not want sex. The usual health/work issues were listed, also things like your personal hygiene (teeth brushed? Bathed? Hair washed?) and attitude (boss him around all day and he gets to be boss in bed, and that includes denying his partner), same thing with physical and verbal abuse.

Sometimes it's easy to blame the partner. Sometimes you have to look inside yourself.

And the clincher was - "are you a good lover, considerate, gentle, kind?" does he roll out of bed after sex and get lecture on what he could have/should have done, how sex could be better? Are his failures the first thing to fall out of your mouth during an argument.

Is it a case of "i no longer give a d*n, and so i'm going to just deny sex in the hope she will leave."

things to think about.

I knew a wonderful man, kind, generous - with poor hygiene. Once or twice of that act is quite enough. I'm sure he's still wondering what went wrong. I'm not saying spontaneous sex isn't wonderful. I'm saying please brush your teeth and perhaps washing your hands (and body) wouldn't hurt.

And deodorant was invented for a reason.

I'm a clean freak and I don't boss him around. Im out spoken but not rude. Ive tried talking to him and he's not open with. I starting to think maybe he feels worthless because he isn't helping
Me. I already told him that him and I are team.

talaniman · Jul 4, 2013, 09:56 PM

Exactly how long has this been going on? I know you have kids but does he have guy time?

sunnbee84 · Jul 4, 2013, 10:56 PM

>Merged into Thread<

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. Things are OK. There's some issues that I'm not all to happy about. First I caught him emailing girls sending pictures of himself and his member. I confronted him he said it wouldn't happened again. So I forgave him. Then I saw he's been going on dating sites and he has profiles. I always try to talk to him but he always gets angry. He doesn't like to talk about our relationship issues. Hes not as affectionate towards me. And the only time he says I love you is when we're having sex. As for me I don't email guys nor have profiles online. I'm loyal and show him affection every chance I get. He has a lock on his phone and recently he's been on it a lot its like when you sending text messages back and forth. I Don't want to think wrong but I can't shake this feeling that his cheating or what's someone new. Please I need advice

sunnbee84 · Jul 4, 2013, 11:46 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

exactly how long has this been going on? I know you have kids but does he have guy time?

we have three kids and he gets out does his thing. The thing that bothers me is that he will not I mean will not talk about our relationship issues. I tell him that I need for him to let me know what's wrong so we can solve it together. Or if he's upset at me for something I did to let me know so I can work on fixing it. I can't fis a certain problem if I don't know what it is. He knowd I'm therr for him and support him 100%. I didn't have a problem communicating he does. I don't push it when I see him getting upset. I give him his space. Its just killing me not knowing what's going on with him. I don't like to see him unhappy. I even told him if he tells me what's going we try to fix the problem and it doesn't work then we'll go find someone who can help us.he also knows that whatever the problem may be I'm not going to judge or think less of him. But nothing I say is working

This has been going on for a couple of months.

Cat1864 · Jul 5, 2013, 04:05 AM

sunnbee, I have merged your other question into this thread to keep all the questions about your relationship in one place. It may seem like they are separate subjects to you, but they are all tied together. Background information and advice for one affects the other.

talaniman · Jul 5, 2013, 06:10 AM

This isn't about sex, it's about behavior. Bad disrespectful behavior. That's the problem to fix, and I would simply relay to him that what he does online is completely unacceptable and you will not tolerate it, and if he cannot explain his behavior, and change it, then the relationship cannot survive. He does it because you allow it, and that is what must change. If this problem cannot be resolved through honest communications, the relationship will not survive any way.

The added details makes a lot of difference to the advice given.

JudyKayTee · Jul 5, 2013, 07:53 AM

I absolutely agree - this isn't about sex. This is about a total lack of respect.

And as far as this is concerned - " I tell him that i need for him to let me know whats wrong so ..." maybe less telling him and more asking hm would work... if for some reason you want to live with this level of disrespect.

Cat1864 · Jul 5, 2013, 08:23 AM

These two posts tell very different stories about your relationship. I think you need to be honest with yourself about the state of your relationship. Take off the rose-colored glasses and look at the warning signs. Warning signs are not good materials to use for the foundation of a relationship.

Originally Posted by sunnbee84

.....
He doesn't abuse drigs hes slightly over weight but hes very active. No medical conditions...... As for our relationship outside the bedroom is great. We have fun and enjoy being together ... The only thing that sometimes causes us to argue.....im very out spoken and he doesn't talk much. But he does get offended sometimes... He had been laid off almost four months ago... So ive been the one thats bringing money home....

Originally Posted by sunnbee84

>Merged into Thread<

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. Things are ok. There's some issues that I'm not all to happy about. First I caught him emailing girls sending pictures of himself and his member. I confronted him he said it wouldn't happened again. So I forgave him. Then I saw he's been going on dating sites and he has profiles. I always try to talk to him but he always gets angry. He doesn't like to talk about our relationship issues. Hes not as affectionate towards me. And the only time he says I love u is when we're having sex. As for me I don't email guys nor have profiles online. I'm loyal and show him affection every chance I get. He has a lock on his phone and recently he's been on it alot its like when u sending text messages back and forth. I DONT want to think wrong but I can't shake this feeling that his cheating or what's someone new. Plz I need advice

sunnbee84 · Jul 15, 2013, 08:24 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

These two posts tell very different stories about your relationship. I think you need to be honest with yourself about the state of your relationship. Take off the rose-colored glasses and look at the warning signs. Warning signs are not good materials to use for the foundation of a relationship.

I told him we needed some space so we could think about what we really wanted and if our relationship could be saved. Its been two weeks now and he wants to come home. But honestly I really don't know if we can make things work. I need to show him that I'm not going to allow him disrespecting me in that manner.

I'm not sure if what I'm doing is correct, but I think we needed time apart.

JudyKayTee · Jul 15, 2013, 09:11 AM

I'm not sure you are looking at things frankly and honestly with open eyes.

Do you think you are?

sunnbee84 · Jul 15, 2013, 09:29 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I'm not sure you are looking at things frankly and honestly with open eyes.

Do you think you are?

I haven't gone through this before so honestly I have no clue what I'm doing or should be doing. I know I should end it but something always stops me from ending it. Call me stupid and I agree I am stupid for letting this happen. That's why Im asking for some advice.

JudyKayTee · Jul 15, 2013, 09:32 AM

You aren't stupid, not at all. If you were you would be "here" defending him, you, the relationship. It's difficult to walk away.

It's more difficult to know when to walk away - or if.

As long as you realize you could get hurt and want to keep walking, well, then I think you keep walking.

But, no, you aren't stupid at all.

EDIT: You just posted about your miscarriage. Same guy? Where is he in the pregnancy/miscarriage?