[minim]

I am 32 yrs old, and have been married for 9 years to a good man. We have a 5 year old daughter. I have recently been placed on long term disability. Prior to that I had to rely heavily on my husband and daughter as I was unable to do much. Now that I am no longer working I can do more but still need help.

I make the bed everyday, keep a tidy (not immaculate) house. Walk our new puppy, and keep our daughter healthy/happy and entertained. Getting in/out of bed takes huge efforts, getting myself/walker/puppy/daugher out of the house for a walk and back inside takes a lot out of me, not to mention simply walking around the block.

However, every time I ask for help it gets put off (ie vaccuming, cleaning floors etc). I feel guilty asking as he is a good provider, a good husband and good father. However I do the things I ask for help with as he procrastinates doing these things then I feel even worse as our house is a pig sty and 'what am I doing all day' (words I say to myself) and feel like I am unfairly getting frustrated with him.

My daughter often gets the brunt of my frustrations; i.e. I have little patience, I am very quick to anger etc. Am I a bad person?

[Wondergirl]

How about hiring a person to come in once a week or so to do cleaning? (No, you aren't a bad person.)

[N0help4u]

No you are not a bad mother, do the best you can. You just need to not let your feelings get the best of you. Sounds like you mainly need to quit asking him for help because then it only gets you in a bad mood when he does exactly as you know he will in not doing what you ask. You need to simply do what you can and have an attitude of 'there's tomorrow'. As long as he isn't getting on you for a messy house just go with the flow and accept things as they are. Spend more time for your daughter and don't take things out on her. So I think all that is needed is looking at things from a different point of view.

[Jake2008]

What do you mean by, your daughter gets the brunt of the frustration. Are you rough with her physically, too demanding, yelling/swearing?

What is the nature of your disability? Is this a progressive diagnosis?

Is your husband able to sit and talk to you, and able to understand how you are feeling. If he is as you describe him, maybe it is a matter of being honest about what you can and cannot do, with specifics, so he can help out a bit more.

Maybe that help is getting someone in once a week- even a relative or friend, to do the worst of the jobs that need done around the home like vacuuming or laundry.

If you are in a situation where things are not going to get better, or improve, for yourself, it is time to change what you can. In my opinion that would be talking with your husband and coming up with some solutions.

[Fr_Chuck]

When you are having such troubles, you will have to many times accept the fact that the house will not be as clean

[talaniman]

Stop taking your lack of perfection out on others and accept your own limits and adjust to them. I think your family already accepts that limitation, and love you for trying to push forward. It can't be easy.

So I guess YOU are the only one worried about being a good wife and mother. You sound like a great one to me, despite the obstacles you face daily. Stop being so hard on yourself.

[sweetismami28]

How about trying to clean while your baby is baling get as much done as possible. I understand frustration because I have a small child but be careful to not scare your little one you don't want her having problems in school once she began. You can alsotake anger management or get counseling if need be. Your husband may be tired if he is the sole provider you don't want him getting overwhelmed. So while he's away if you can afford it get a cleaner and you will be relieved then that should do the trick.

[Cat1864]

minim, who in your life besides yourself cares if your floors aren't perfect and can't look past a 'tidy' house to see a happy family which is much more important? How much are your expectations coming from yourself or other people? I am going to guess that most of it comes from you. We are almost always our harshest critics.

Getting outside help will give you some relief. But it will be a bandage over an open wound until you can learn to adjust your expectations for yourself and your family. The problem isn't the floor or whatever else doesn't get done. The problem is that you are frustrated and angry with yourself because you physically cannot do the work. You could have a dozen maids and cooks take care of the house for you, but the resentment, frustration, and anger at yourself for being unable to do the work and at others who are healthy enough to do it will still be there.

You see, I know full well how it feels. I also know that holding on to the negative emotions causes physical issues to become worse. Stress, especially when we put it on ourselves, causes a lot of damage. The longer you allow it to press down on you the more damage it does.

It isn't easy to let memories fade. To accept the new limitations and to find ways to work around them can seem like an insurmountable task. But it isn't if you allow yourself adapt mentally as well as physically. Focus on what you can do. Look for small ways to push the limits back and to help you feel better. What hobbies or interests do you have that can be adapted to current needs? Do you even take time for things that make you feel good or have you been focusing on what needs to be done and allowing the frustration to build up?

Are you getting any type of counseling or therapy to help you adjust to the changes?

[JudyKayTee]

A baby AND a puppy? I'd be exhausted.

I agree - you need to decide what is important and what is not. How do you take out your frustration on your child? Verbally? Physically?

You need to convey your feelings to your husband. He, presumably, can change things or make thing easier or at least understand.