[stfuximshelli49]

I have this guy friend online whom I have never met, but talk to frequently and have talked to for over a year. I met him on a writing site and he was someone I could talk to and talk freely without judgement. One comment I made to him I joked about painting my face to look like a cat because he changed his profile to a lion making fun of me because when I talked to him on Xbox, I was petting my cat and saying "I'm a pamfffer." And he made fun of me for it. And the end of the comment I put, in a strictly friendly way, "I hearts you Lion!"

Now that I have explained that, I'm twenty two, married for four years and we have a daughter and my husband is 26. My friend is very well aware of that. My husband looked at my profile online and read our conversations and the only one he got pissed about was this now and is now calling me a whore and wanting to break up with me. I explained him the situation, but he just keeps saying "I feel like you cheated on me. You shouldn't have said those things to another guy."

I was just joking. I've had girlfriends where I have told them I loved them and it wasn't because I wanted to be with them.

I admitted it was a little to friendly and that I was sorry, but it wasn't serious what so ever, but he still says that he just doesn't want to be with someone who says those things while with him.

Also take into consideration that he has also done ed up behind my back, like email a Internet whore to meet up with her just to throw it in my face because we got into an argument and I left for like an hour, and a girl was calling his phone and I called her and she said that her friend left her purse in his car. He then told me his friend asked it he could give these girls a ride home (he works at clubs as a bouncer). Both situations I gave him the benefit of the doubt and trusted him and now he can't do the same for me.

Just what do you guys think of the situation? Am I wrong? Is he wrong? How would you handel the situation? I would like a girl POV but a guys would be awesome. Thanks.

[Homegirl 50]

Apologize to your husband and stop chatting with this guy. He knows you're married and you are playing fire. You two need to stop. A year long online emotional affair with this guy is inappropriate.

[Cat1864]

Would you be willing to consider Marriage Counseling? I think there is more going on than you being silly on-line.

It may be jealousy. It may be control. It may be a genuine feeling that you shouldn't should come close to telling a male friend you care 'heart' them. It may be a guilty conscience. What ever the trigger it sounds like you need a place where you can talk about this incident and his over-stepping boundaries (the call and setting up a meeting more than the possibility he was trying to be nice giving someone a ride home.) He doesn't appear to handle conflict very well and a third party mediating may be able to help you resolve the issues.

[JudyKayTee]

You are at least emotionally cheating on your husband. You have suggestive conversations with another man. Your behavior has both hurt and angered your husband.

In my opinion you are responsible for your own actions.
Are you saying you're bad but he's worse? Your husband deserved what he got?

If your husband is meeting whores (your word) on line, you are handling his behavior by corresponding in a suggestive way with other men?

Maybe you need the attention which your husband is not giving you. Maybe being a mother is overwhelming to you. Maybe it's revenge. Maybe it's something else.

Read your post through the eyes of a stranger and see what you think. I think you need to talk to someone.

You also need to hope your husband doesn't attempt to confront your friend of your friend's "companion" doesn't show up to confront you.

If you aren't happy, fix it through counseling or leave.

I pity your child - two parents, both cheating (on different levels).

[busymomma2013]

I can say that my husband would be upset with me if I told another man who is not a close friend or family member that I loved them.

Joking, serious, or not. In my eyes you messed up by saying those words. They may mean nothing to you or your friend, but obviously your husband takes them very seriously.

As far as giving your husband the benefit of the doubt, that is done. Most definitely not something to throw back into his face because you got "caught" being to friendly.

All you can do now is respect what he wants to do. Give him space/time or whatever he may need to calm down. Remove yourself and your daughter out the picture if you can for a little while because of his name calling. That is an environment that your daughter should not be subjected to.

[Homegirl 50]

You two need to get some counseling. Both of you are doing things that are questionable. You need to find out why.

[stfuximshelli49]

Would you be willing to consider Marriage Counseling? I think there is more going on than you being silly on-line.

It may be jealousy. It may be control. It may be a genuine feeling that you shouldn't should come close to telling a male friend you care 'heart' them. It may be a guilty conscience. What ever the trigger it sounds like you need a place where you can talk about this incident and his over-stepping boundaries (the call and setting up a meeting more than the possibility he was trying to be nice giving someone a ride home.) He doesn't appear to handle conflict very well and a third party mediating may be able to help you resolve the issues.

It's not that I won't do counseling, he has pretty much knocked that idea down multiple times. And to me like I said it was just joking but to him he considers it cheating.

You are at least emotionally cheating on your husband. You have suggestive conversations with another man. Your behavior has both hurt and angered your husband.

In my opinion you are responsible for your own actions.
Are you saying you're bad but he's worse? Your husband deserved what he got?

If your husband is meeting whores (your word) on line, you are handling his behavior by corresponding in a suggestive way with other men?

Maybe you need the attention which your husband is not giving you. Maybe being a mother is overwhelming to you. Maybe it's revenge. Maybe it's something else.

Read your post through the eyes of a stranger and see what you think. I think you need to talk to someone.

You also need to hope your husband doesn't attempt to confront your friend of your friend's "companion" doesn't show up to confront you.

If you aren't happy, fix it through counseling or leave.

I pity your child - two parents, both cheating (on different levels).

No I'm not saying that he deserved this to happen, I was just pointing out that he has also made mistakes and I have accepted what he said and moved on from it and I wish he could do the same.

I wasn't being suggestive, just joking. That's all it was. It was a statement that was said in a joking conversation.

I wouldn't care, and I actually wish he would, talk to my online friend (he isn't with anyone) and find out that my friend did take it as a joke and no serious and that there is no feelings there besides being friends.

And no I didn't do this to get back at him. It's just honestly me joking a little too much and not thinking twice about my statement. I didn't post it with I'll intentions because I honestly do love my husband and wouldn't do anything to hurt him intentionally.

I can say that my husband would be upset with me if I told another man who is not a close friend or family member that I loved them.

Joking, serious, or not. In my eyes you messed up by saying those words. They may mean nothing to you or your friend, but obviously your husband takes them very seriously.

As far as giving your husband the benefit of the doubt, that is done. Most definatly not something to throw back into his face because you got "caught" being to friendly.

All you can do now is respect what he wants to do. Give him space/time or whatever he may need to calm down. Remove yourself and your daughter out the picture if you can for a little while because of his name calling. That is an environment that your daughter should not be subjected to.

I realized I messed up. I told him I messed up, it was stupid to joke like that and I'm sorry. It'll never happen again. I understand him being upset, but not upset to the point where it ruins our eight year relationship.

And I wasn't throwing in his face, I was just putting it into perspective like hey when you messed up I calmed down, listened and trusted you. I wasn't like yeah! Well you did this!

Apologize to your husband and stop chatting with this guy. He knows you're married and you are playing fire. You two need to stop. A year long online emotional affair with this guy is inappropriate.

But I don't actually love him. It wasn't an emotional affair what so ever. In not looking for people to date or to have feelings for. I have no problem with not talking to this person. And again, we are just friends. And I never hid it from my husband. I have giving him full rein of my accounts so of he wanted to he could look at what I'm doing. I could have easily deleted my comment after making it but I didn't because I didn't think it was bad.

[JudyKayTee]

"I wasn't being suggestive, just joking. That's all it was. It was a statement that was said in a joking conversation. "

I see no future as long as it's excuses, excuses, excuses. Do you know why I don't make suggestive remarks to "friends," online or others? I wouldn't want my companion to do that to me.

[Homegirl 50]

But I don't actually love him. It wasn't an emotional affair what so ever. In not looking for people to date or to have feelings for. I have no problem with not talking to this person. And again, we are just friends. And I never hid it from my husband. I have giving him full rein of my accounts so of he wanted to he could look at what I'm doing. I could have easily deleted my comment after making it but I didn't because I didn't think it was bad.

You have been having these chats with this man for a year. This man knows you are married and he should know this is not appropriate. You have obviously had some problems in your marriage which is another reason having conversations like this with another man is asking for trouble.
Maybe your husband is projecting his behavior on you, but you two need to communicate with each other and you need to accept responsibility for your role in this.

[stfuximshelli49]

"I wasn't being suggestive, just joking. That's all it was. It was a statement that was said in a joking conversation. "

I see no future as long as it's excuses, excuses, excuses. Do you know why I don't make suggestive remarks to "friends," online or others? I wouldn't want my companion to do that to me.

How is it an excuse when in just stating what the situation was?

And how is that a suggestive remark? I see "I want to be with you." "I love you with all my heart." "I'm in love with you." "I want to have sex with you." Those I find suggestive, but me stating "*joke* Hahaha I heart you Lion." doesn't suggest anything at all.

Just I know that it wasn't serious. I know what it meant when I typed it. And that's why to me this whole situation is ridiculous. It meant absolutely nothing. I've never had feelings for anyone other than friendly to anyone besides my husband since I have met him.

You have been having these chats with this man for a year. This man knows you are married and he should know this is not appropriate. You have obviously had some problems in your marriage which is another reason having conversations like this with another man is asking for trouble.
Maybe your husband is projecting his behavior on you, but you two need to communicate with each other and you need to accept responsibility for your role in this.

So is having a friend that has a strictly off limits then? It's not like all of our conversations where like this. Like I also said, my husband read through all of our conversations and this certain comment was the only one that pissed him off. Usually when I talked to my friend it was about writing, Xbox, or just randomness or the random occasion where I would have a problem and would ask him about it and same with him for me.

You have been having these chats with this man for a year. This man knows you are married and he should know this is not appropriate. You have obviously had some problems in your marriage which is another reason having conversations like this with another man is asking for trouble.
Maybe your husband is projecting his behavior on you, but you two need to communicate with each other and you need to accept responsibility for your role in this.

I typed friends with a d-i-c-k but it removed it.

[Homegirl 50]

Like I said maybe your husband is projecting his guilt on you. You two need to communicate with each other.

I have this guy friend online whom I have never met, but talk to frequently and have talked to for over a year. I met him on a writing site and he was someone I could talk to and talk freely without judgement.
You have been talking to him often and about many things. This guy knows you are married and since you were already having some problems in your marriage, these conversations should have been cut to a minimum. This guy should have cut them.

[Cat1864]

It's not that I won't do counseling, he has pretty much knocked that idea down multiple times. And to me like I said it was just joking but to him he considers it cheating.

Then you need to go. I am very concerned about his anger management skills. Is this how he normally handles his anger? He calls up a prostitute and makes a date to rub it in your face because he was mad. You are expected to put up with his crossing the line but one silly exchange and you are cheating and he wants out. No discussions. Acting out. Blowing up.

Do you feel comfortable talking to him about things that might upset him? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells when something he won't like happens?

I can see a couple of reasons he might react strongly to something relatively minor, but it doesn't excuse his behavior. Is he afraid that you might feel like you missed out on dating since you were around 14 when you became involved with him? As a bouncer at clubs, does he witness a lot of people obviously cheating on their partners? If so, does that make him more fearful for his own relationship?

Do you trust him?

For the record, I do not consider it emotional cheating to have a friend of the opposite sex or one of the same sex who is gay or bi. There is a difference between having fun and being a bit flirtatious and looking for someone to fill a void. My husband is a lot bigger flirt than I am, but we both trust each other to know where the boundary lines are and not to cross them. We also have friends who are very close to us who are male and female, hetero, gay, and bi. Friends are friends (unless they become close enough to considered family.)

This advice is if there aren't more control and anger issues than you have mentioned: Boundary lines of good behavior are something that a couple has to work together to set. When he calms down, talk to him about setting boundary lines for the relationship. Work together.

[JudyKayTee]

I have many friends of the opposite sex. I work in a man's world. My partner, likewise, has many female friends. I don't have inappropriate conversations with my friends, and I trust he does not with his.

I am not saying any/all friendships with the opposite sex are emotional cheating. Only the OP knows if she was inappropriate.

I do know I don't have friends behind his back and I do know I don't have conversations I wouldn't have in front of him.

Apparently the OP and I feel differently about what is inappropriate. Having my partner say he loves someone else would hurt me. ""*joke* Hahaha I heart you Lion." doesn't suggest anything at all." I think this is inappropriate language.

I don't understand the need, even as a joke, to say "I love you." Apparently her husband didn't think so either.

OP keeps explaining her behavior and defending it. Apparently it works for her. Why ask for advice if what you are doing in your relationship works for you?

[busymomma2013]

Well said Judy. Tried to give you a greenie, but it told me I have to spread the rep.

[stfuximshelli49]

Then you need to go. I am very concerned about his anger management skills. Is this how he normally handles his anger? He calls up a prostitute and makes a date to rub it in your face because he was mad. You are expected to put up with his crossing the line but one silly exchange and you are cheating and he wants out. No discussions. Acting out. Blowing up.

Do you feel comfortable talking to him about things that might upset him? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells when something he won't like happens?

I can see a couple of reasons he might react strongly to something relatively minor, but it doesn't excuse his behavior. Is he afraid that you might feel like you missed out on dating since you were around 14 when you became involved with him? As a bouncer at clubs, does he witness a lot of people obviously cheating on their partners? If so, does that make him more fearful for his own relationship?

Do you trust him?

For the record, I do not consider it emotional cheating to have a friend of the opposite sex or one of the same sex who is gay or bi. There is a difference between having fun and being a bit flirtatious and looking for someone to fill a void. My husband is a lot bigger flirt than I am, but we both trust each other to know where the boundary lines are and not to cross them. We also have friends who are very close to us who are male and female, hetero, gay, and bi. Friends are friends (unless they become close enough to considered family.)

This advice is if there aren't more control and anger issues than you have mentioned: Boundary lines of good behavior are something that a couple has to work together to set. When he calms down, talk to him about setting boundary lines for the relationship. Work together.

Yes he does have anger issues. He's gone to counseling for it, and this is actually an improvement on how he deals with certain situations. Out whole relationship has been based on him getting better because he was a drug addict when I met him and I helped him get clean. He's been in and out of jail since I have known him. Multiple times he has been in jail are due to fights we have had. Also I have always been the one who is the pissed off one an he defends himself. There has only been one other time where I have made a mistake and that was when I was 16 and looked up an ex. But other than that it has always been him that does something that causes a fight. I have told him I'm human. I make mistakes. I'm not perfect and he replies with well I want a wife who is perfect and never makes mistakes. And you're stupid for staying with me after what I did.

That's exactly why I bring up past situations so he can see how I have dealt with them and understand where I am coming from. He made a mistake and now he knows not to do it. I made a mistake he threatens to leave me, he's threatened this before.

And no I don't feel comfortable. Usually when I do it just starts up the fight all over again. I feel like I have to watch everything I do. Everything I say. Where I sit. How I say something. My tone. Not to sigh. Not to close my eyes because it looks like I'm rolling them. No questioning him because he shouldn't have to explain himself. Making sure the house is perfect or he thinks I just sit around all day.

And he never tells me anything. He always says I don't know what he's going through but he never opens up. (I was 15 and he was 19) but he has admitted he la really controlling, I'm a stay at home mom, and he doesn't want me to get a job or better myself because he doesn't want me to realize that I could do better then leave.

And yes I do trust him

[busymomma2013]

You can't keep bringing up his mistakes to better your own. It will only make the situation worse. It is not going to solve anything. Finger pointing is a messed up thing.

Once you have forgiven him for his mistakes then it is time to move on from them, not bring them back up. Even if you are trying to tell him that you have given him the benefit of the doubt.

Your husband obviously handles his hurt feelings differently than you.

Like I said give him space and time. Let him sort things out. When he is ready to talk he will contact you.

Really not any of my business, but from what you have posted about sounds like a very unhealthy environment for your daughter. She should be your number one priority right now.

[stfuximshelli49]

You can't keep bringing up his mistakes to better your own. It will only make the situation worse. It is not going to solve anything. Finger pointing is a messed up thing.

Once you have forgiven him for his mistakes then it is time to move on from them, not bring them back up. Even if you are trying to tell him that you have given him the benefit of the doubt.

Your husband obviously handles his hurt feelings differently than you.

Like I said give him space and time. Let him sort things out. When he is ready to talk he will contact you.

Really not any of my business, but from what you have posted about sounds like a very unhealthy environment for your daughter. She should be your number one priority right now.

She is. We keep stuff to ourselves until she is asleep and in her room before we being anything up. Or I have my mother come and get her.

[talaniman]

Just what do you guys think of the situation? Am I wrong? Is he wrong? How would you handel the situation? I would like a girl POV but a guys would be awesome. Thanks.

Just another obstacle to overcome. Keep talking and work through it. You know he has issues, so let the dust settle and apologize. There is no right or wrong because what you did was honest, and his reaction was too. As long as he is working on it, you work on it too.

Personally even though I can, I never read her stuff unless she shows it to me and she has many friends yeah guys too, going back a few decades. She probably does love them, even wrote it, but I know she loves me MORE! MUUUUUUUUUUUUCH MORE, and always has and will.

Maybe I would have handled it differently, but you say he is learning to get better at it, so relax. Learn with him and do better.

[JudyKayTee]

And, as I said in the beginning, think more about your child and less about yourself.

I simply do not believe your child doesn't sense the tension. You and your husband get "into it" and your mother comes and whisks her away? Or things are bad but you both smile and act natural and then she goes to bed and you go at it?

Not believing you I came from a very disfunctional family. Kids know.

He's a (possibly) former drug addict, in and out of jail, with anger issues and you had a child with him and you stay with him?

I now understand why you were reaching out to a stranger.

[Homegirl 50]

I now understand his reaction, it is who he is. What I don't understand is why with your history together, you stay with him. He won't leave you. He controls you and that is the way he likes it.