[Nay16]

My husband and I been married for 6 years he's 39 and I am 28 years old. From the beginning he never wanted me to go outside or see my family. He doesn't put his hands on me though, but he does make a lot a hurtful comments to me about my weight hair and the way I dress and he knows how I feel about those things but he won't let up. He never takes me around his friends NEVER I feel so ugly. If we are out in public I grab his hand and he takes his hand from me. I feel like I am a piece of furniture.

I'm a stay at home mom I cook clean iron his cloths everyday because its what he wants me to do. I feel like I don't have a say in anything. Really I feel like I'm his child I don't feel like a grown woman. I don't know what to do. I feel that our son is all he thinks about. What should I do?

[odinn7]

Have you been able to talk to him about this?

He sounds controlling and maybe he doesn't physically abuse you but I bet this is mental abuse.

[Jake2008]

I agree with odinn7.

This is controlling behavior, and he is controlling you, and you are allowing it.
.
Hits to your confidence, self esteem, your value and worth as a person, are all easy targets which are meant to break you down until you live by the crumbs he throws your way.

And even those crumbs are misleading. He may say you did a good job with dinner, but next time, cook things with a little less salt. Or, I would have preferred you get your hair cut a different way, but, it will grow out, and it looks okay.

You can NEVER win.

The only thing you can be sure of is that unless you decide that you have the courage to make changes in your life, you can expect more of the same control from him. In fact, should you forge ahead on your own with him, expect that the control will become more and more demeaning, in order to break you down even further.

And when the emotional abuse subsides because it no longer works- expect that there will indeed be physical abuse.

What do you think you should do. What have you considered, and have you talked outside your home to anyone who can offer help and support- maybe a sibling or parent or close friend?

[Nay16]

I don't know what to do. My mom thinks I should leave him but she all so thinks I should first build myself up and then leave. My sister thinks the same way, they say I'm use to being strong physically but not mentally and I feel like I don't want to fuss and cuss I shouldn't have to. I have talked to him about the things that he say to me that hurts and he said that he didn't know that he was saying them and that he would stop, well that only lasted about a week but he doesn't curse at me or scream at me he's calm about it. I think that's why I'm so confused we don't even argue much, but the times we do its about me spending time with my family. He didn't want me going to see them while he was at work but we talked and he said OK I guess it's OK when I'm not home cause he works all day. Just be home when he gets there. I have no friends and my mom and my sister are my only friends. I've been through a lot in my life and right now I am so unhappy. I've just been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and he doesn't understand what I'm going through I'm trying to deal but its like he's making things worse. He asked me after we came from my first appointment when I got diagnosed do you think that you would be better if you wasn't with me. I spoke to my mom about what he said and she said he should have never came out of his mouth to say that. I just don't know. I am having my foot operated on next week and he says he and our son are going to be doing a lot of things this summer, now mind you we don't go anywhere he hasn't taken me out for a long time I mean years and now that I'm going to be in bed recovering there going to be out have the time of there lives. He just called me today from work saying he won like 6 tickets to a game and he wish that I wasn't having surgery cause he don't know who he is going to take with him.

[Jake2008]

Your mom and sister, although well meaning I'm sure, don't really understand what is going on with you I don't think.

They are the very ones that controlling behavior applies to. First it's your friends and outside activities, and then it's your family. And what do you think when he has managed to drive a wedge between your family, and himself? MORE control. Not less.

If he is capable of changing (as he attempted for a week), he cannot do this on his own. He needs help for lasting change. It is important for your safety and well being, that he do at least as much, and in so doing, at least admit he has a problem with controlling behavior.

If he is making attempts on his own, without help, it will go exactly as it did. He'll make an effort to change his damaging behavior, but it won't be for the right reasons. He does not have the understanding, nor the tools, to change on his own. Otherwise he would have done so, a long time ago.

You cannot change him. You can cry for a thousand years, and make threats to leave, and nothing will come about. It is equally concerning to me that you will probably knock yourself into exhaustion trying to be better, do more, and revolve your entire life around him.

I hope that you don't allow him to continue along this path with you. You are capable, before this gets worse, of facing any challenge that presents itself, as an independent woman, in control of your own life.

[Nay16]

Thank you so much I do believe that you are right. I need to take control of my life and be the woman that I need to be. I don't know how but it has to done.

[Jake2008]

Already you are heading in the right direction- this is YOUR life, and you need to get your life back.

I would recommend that before you do anything drastic, please visit your Doctor, and ask for help in recommendations for women's services that advise and assist women who are abused.

There are many resources out there and help in everything from housing to emergency assistance, to job training, to legal issues. You do not have to face this on your own, but you do have to take responsibility for yourself, to get started. There is therapy, and groups that involve women just like yourself. Ready to start facing the world, and prepared to make changes.

It would be wonderful if you could be with women who have lived through what you have, and have thrived and survived.

[Nay16]

Okay thank you so much I really appreciate you for your words thank you so much.

[joypulv]

Self confidence is something you can practice around the house.
If he criticizes how you look, calmly and firmly say 'I don't need this' and drop what you are doing and leave the room. Don't cry or slam the door, just pick up a book or go outside and walk. He needs to SEE that you don't crumble, and that you don't put up with it. When you have your foot surgery, think of other ways to do this - there are countless. Showing self-esteem, worth, pride. Look him in the eye when you talk. Ask him if he wants to hear what is wrong with his looks, and if he says yes, tell him you won't stoop to that level. If he wants to hear what is missing in the marriage, you will tell him.
Plan that too, in fact, write it out, and make sure it isn't about what he does wrong, but the positive things he doesn't do. Keep it as short as possible, and ask if your marriage is important enough to him to work on it.

[Nay16]

Thank you! That is a good idea.

[iwish]

Do not be afraid to walk out for good especially he constantly makes you feel lousy about yourself when you both have arguments. Some relationships are just not meant to be in one accord no matter how you try. Do yourself a good turn.

[Handyman2007]

When I hear these age differences in younger couples, it makes me wonder about the male's ulterior motive for the relationship in the firt place. This man is a control freak. He knows he is older and uses that to " lord" over you. It is wrong and constitutes spousal abuse. Get help for YOU and leave this guy. He will only become more controlling as the days pass.

[N0help4u]

Your mom and sister don't have to live with him day in and day out. Their advice to stay to build character is nothing more than telling you in so many words to 'self abuse yourself' because nobody should have to live under a tyrant that treats you like a 4 year old.