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Confused fiancé · Jun 16, 2013, 06:28 AM

Hi feeling slightly confused about my relationship! Been with my man for 6 years and getting married in a year! About 2 years ago his sex drive slowed down abit but it's gradually got worse to the point of once or twice a month! I know he loves me but I don't understand the problem with him not wanting sex! I have spoken to him loads about this problem and every time he assures me that he loves me, fancies me and enjoys sex with me! Only thing he says is that he's tired sometimes or he is feeling abit stressed or had excuses like a mouth ulcer or a cold or sore back etc! Is this normal for a young couple early 20,s?? Help!!

teacherjenn4 · Jun 16, 2013, 07:29 AM

If you aren't happy, ask him to see a doctor to rule out any health issues. If he's comfortable with sex twice a month and you aren't, then he may not be the man for you.

talaniman · Jun 16, 2013, 07:39 AM

Maybe there is a new stress or issue in his life, like an impending wedding that changes the relationship? Or his job? Or finances? Anything outside the bedroom can affect what happens in the bedroom.

Generally its seldom about sex, lust, or attraction.

Confused fiancé · Jun 16, 2013, 08:03 AM

Originally Posted by teacherjenn4

If you aren't happy, ask him to see a doctor to rule out any health issues. If he's comfortable with sex twice a month and you aren't, then he may not be the man for you.

Sorry forgot to say he had been to the doctor when I told him I was fed up. Doctor said there was nothing wrong and he may be suffering with physiological issues around sex. When I asked him if he was bothered by anything he said no and the usual I don't know why because I love you and I am attracted to you etc! I left it at that and things got slightly better but only for a few weeks now we are back to square one. I am at the end of my tether as I really enjoy sex and its knocking myself esteem. I just don't understand it! I asked him if he was gay and he went nuts and said he us definitely not!

Confused fiancé · Jun 16, 2013, 08:06 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Maybe there is a new stress or issue in his life, like an impending wedding that changes the relationship? Or his job? Or finances? Anything outside the bedroom can affect what happens in the bedroom.

Generally its seldom about sex, lust, or attraction.

I have said all this to him and he says he's fine! We both work and bills ate always paid so its not financial and as for the wedding he was the one who wanted to get it booked! And up to now I haven't really made any other plans for the wedding that could be stressing him. He says he would never cheat but I'm beginning to doubt this as I'm so low and unhappy but love him so much just want things sorted. Thanks for your reply x

talaniman · Jun 16, 2013, 09:03 AM

For some reason you have a lack of communications and just because he is okay with marriage doesn't mean such a life changing event is NOT stressful. Have you gone off birth control or are there already kids involved?

Often the lack of sex is but a symptom of a greater problem that needs addressing within the relationship. Being distracted by the lack of sex you may miss a few details.

Confused fiancé · Jun 16, 2013, 09:28 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

For some reason you have a lack of communications and just because he is okay with marriage doesn't mean such a life changing event is NOT stressful. Have you gone off birth control or are there already kids involved?

Often the lack of sex is but a symptom of a greater problem that needs addressing within the relationship. Being distracted by the lack of sex you may miss a few details.

No kids involved and I'm still on birth control. Possibly communication is lacking but apart from that the relationship could almost be perfect. We are very good together and try to always talk about issues but this one issue is something that he clearly isn't opening up about! Is there anything you could suggest that may help him open up without hurting him?

talaniman · Jun 16, 2013, 09:31 AM

Without hurting him, NO. But you must talk about it, whether it hurts or not.

Confused fiancé · Jun 16, 2013, 09:33 AM

Originally Posted by Judy1234567890

Has your relationship changed in any other way besides the lack of regular sex? Is he still attentive? Has his habits changed, does he still come home at the same time, does he go out more often without you, does he still treat you the same as before when you were having more sex? Is it still a loving relationship minus the regular sex?

I find that asking myself questions, and/or writing about a situation, I discover the answer/solution I needed. Maybe you have an idea of what the problem really is but you chose not to accept it.

The relationship is great we really get on, don't argue much and have a lot of fun together. He has always been a great partner very attentive, shows me he loves me in all ways apart from sexually. That's why I'm so confused he is perfect! But the lack of sex is leaving me insecure and feeling that there must be a problem either with me or that he is hiding something! He doesn't drink so is at home most of the time only works part time. So I see him quite a lot. I think I will do as you said and write things down to help me find a solution. Thank you x

Originally Posted by talaniman

Without hurting him, NO. But you must talk about it, whether it hurts or not.

Thank you talaniman. Not sure what I am going to do but something has to be done. I cannot go on living unhappy nor does he deserve me being unhappy around him.

Handyman2007 · Jul 3, 2013, 08:21 PM

You have been together 6 years. Ask a married couple how their sex life is after 6 years. Things change. We do not feel that crazy passion after 6 years. An awful lot of us realize that sex is NOT the end all to love. A young couple, early 20's and together 6 years... when did you start becoming sexually active? Maybe he IS tired.