[Askylitheart]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 11 months. 3 months were long distance, but then I packed up and moved to where he lived. When I first moved in with him we lived with his best friend (who molested me pretty much) and the best friend's wife and her kid and my boyfriend and I were always having sex. And once we moved into our own place we were still having sex enough to satisfy me, but for the past almost 3 weeks nothing.

Normally on his days off from work we have sex, but lately no. I figured its because of his job since he works from 3pm-12 or 1am and since I've been struggling to find a job in this small town he's been the only one working and paying for it all and he's struggling and broke. The thing is he makes enough $ to pay rent and all,but he spends a lot on cigarettes. He used to blame me for his struggle, but he's realized that whether I was here or not he'd be in the same situation.

What hurts the most is that he asks me to touch and rub him all the time, but he never touches me intimately in return and even when I try to initiate sex as soon as I stop he leaves it be. He doesn't even finish by himself. I told him last night that it makes me feel unattractive and he said that's not it and that he's just not in the mood and then he said maybe I should do something to earn "things like that".

I think that's BS. Sex isn't earned. It's not a prize you get for doing something. It's a way you express love for your partner and make them feel good. At least that's my opinion. I'm 20 years old so my sex drive is high. He's 32 and his sex drive used to be pretty high, but its just gone now and I've always been an insecure person due to how I grew up and this makes me feel more insecure. It also makes me feel resentful at him because I feel like yet again he has all the control in the relationship and now he's taken control over the sex. It just hurts my feelings and the last time we had sex it was me doing things to him and then a less than 1 minute screw so he could finish.

He always says he's tired and old, but I feel like that's an excuse when I think back to how we used to be. It could be stress as well, but I don't think it's wrong of me to want sex at least once every 2 weeks. I'd be happy with that I guess. It used to be at least 4 times a week, but that was when we lived right next to his job and he didn't have to pay rent or bills and all that.

I just feel like why even have me as a girlfriend if you don't even want me. I just feel like its another way for him to have the upper hand and control in the relationship. Should I just leave it alone and wait even if it means going a month or 2 without sex?

A month or 2 or however long without sex until HE wants it

[talaniman]

Its not about sex, but him tolerating you and blaming you for him being broke. The lust has worn off and the work begins and right or wrong his resentment is in his mind he is doing all the work and all you want is sex.

This often happens when finances are lousy, and one partner supports the other. This isn't about sex its about circumstances and he clearly ain't happy with them. I think this 32 year old wants a partner, not a dependent.

So why can't you guys talk this out?

[Askylitheart]

Its not about sex, but him tolerating you and blaming you for him being broke. The lust has worn off and the work begins and right or wrong his resentment is in his mind he is doing all the work and all you want is sex.

This often happens when finances are lousy, and one partner supports the other. This isn't about sex its about circumstances and he clearly ain't happy with them. I think this 32 year old wants a partner, not a dependent.

So why can't you guys talk this out?

Well I try,but he is very controlling. If its not when he wants to talk about it or what he wants to talk about he won't hear it. He tends to get verbally abusive as well and I like to avoid that. He was unemployed 2 years and depending on his girlfriend and his best friend before getting his job,so he says he understands that its hard to find a job out here. He tried to quit his job,but once he saw how little options there are he decided against it. We live in a tiny town in Florida with no car to get around,so we don't go out much. It's also harder for me to find a job because when I tell him I'm going to quit smoking weed with him he gets mad and questions it and pretty much pressures me to do it and if not he just smokes right in front of me and keeps offering. He wants me to smoke weed with him daily,but to also get a job. Those two things don't really mix. And in my opinion if he didn't want to risk being depended on then he shouldn't have asked me to come out here knowing the job market sucks,knowing how broke he is,and knowing that he'd have to think of someone else besides himself. It doesn't even feel like a relationship sometimes. He's very self focused and I tend to let him have all the control in the relationship to avoid getting yelled at. Everything is when he wants how he wants where he wants and if I try to change that its am issue and I'm made to feel bad about it. We have a... difficult time talking about serious things. Subjects are just avoided or I'm yelled at and it's never brought up again after that. He is still affectionate with me,like he will cuddle with me and give me hugs and occasional kisses (he's never been big on kissing. Which sucks for me because I enjoy kissing,but I just let it be) so it's just difficult for me to have that affection,but nothing further when a month ago it wasn't like this. It makes me feel like I'm not attractive enough on top of the fact that he acts annoyed with me 24/7. He cannot separate stress from work and home. He brings the stress home and dumps it on me or on the relationship. But he said that it could be any girl and he would act annoyed with them too because he doesn't want to deal with anyone's anything after work. Which is a bit unrealistic when you live with someone. If you don't want to deal with anyone's anything then why are you dating? At least that's what I think when I hear him say that.

It probably doesn't help that after dating long distance and only knowing each other for 3 months that we moved in together.

[Alty]

What do you do when he's at work? Do you clean, cook? What steps have you done to find a job? Are you out all day handing out resumes, looking online for available jobs?

When my husband and I first got married I worked longer hours and made more money than him. I'd leave at least an hour before he even had to get up, and I'd be home over an hour after he had already been home. I'd come home and the first thing he'd say was 'what are you making for dinner?" He'd be sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette, watching TV. I did all the cleaning, all the cooking, and I made way more money. The last thing I wanted to do after all that, was have sex. Why should I put in the effort when he didn't put in any effort to make me happy, or help me?

So be honest, what do you do while he's at work? Is the house clean, the laundry done, dinner on the stove, a list of places you sent resumes to so you can show him that you really are looking for work? Or are you still in your pj's, sitting on the couch watching TV, with nothing to show for how you spent the day?

[talaniman]

It probably doesn't help that after dating long distance and only knowing eachother for 3 months that we moved in together.

You gave up a job to move to the unknown to be with a guy (stranger)? Sex should be the least of your worries.

[Askylitheart]

What do you do when he's at work? Do you clean, cook? What steps have you done to find a job? Are you out all day handing out resumes, looking online for available jobs?

When my husband and I first got married I worked longer hours and made more money than him. I'd leave at least an hour before he even had to get up, and I'd be home over an hour after he had already been home. I'd come home and the first thing he'd say was 'what are you making for dinner?" He'd be sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette, watching TV. I did all the cleaning, all the cooking, and I made way more money. The last thing I wanted to do after all that, was have sex. Why should I put in the effort when he didn't put in any effort to make me happy, or help me?

So be honest, what do you do while he's at work? Is the house clean, the laundry done, dinner on the stove, a list of places you sent resumes to so you can show him that you really are looking for work? Or are you still in your pj's, sitting on the couch watching tv, with nothing to show for how you spent the day?

No need to get an attitude with me. I send out applications every week to the same places because the options are limited with no car. I do cook dinner for him every day and I do clean. I even walked 7 miles the other day to put in an application somewhere and came home with bloody blisters. It's not like I sit here all day doing nothing ing around,so please don't talk to me like you know what I do all day. I understand that he works hard and is tired. That's another reason why I let him have complete control over the relationship and pretty much all aspects of it. Also,like I said its harder for me to get jobs when he wants me to get high with him on a daily basis and if I don't he becomes annoyed and pressures me to smoke with him anyway saying the situation isn't bad enough that I need to quit smoking weed and that he's not asking me to get a job tomorrow or anything like that and that he understands because he was unemployed mooching off his roommate and girlfriend less than a year ago for 2 years. He even admitted that he just stopped looking for a job,so he has no room to judge me. I haven't quit looking. I keep applying to the same places over and over and they aren't hiring or I get an interview and no call backs or they drug test and I will fail those and when I try to stop smoking it turns into a fight and me giving in so that he won't be annoyed with me. It's confusing when one minute he acts like he's struggling so bad and needs help but then the next he's like everything's fine no pressure no need to stop smoking weed. And honestly he makes enough to pay the rent and all that. He spends a lot on weed,cigarettes,and video games and that's how he ends up short at the end of the month. I don't touch that $. It's not spent on me ever except for food which he would buy whether I'm here or not. He sucks at managing his $ and whether I'm here in FL with him or back home in Cali he will still be broke and behind in $ because of how he spends it and I'm not going to let him blame his reckless spending habits on me. He'd be struggling just the same whether I'm or not. And I'm getting $ from my grandfather who when he passed away left me a bank account and I'm going to give him some of my $ to help him catch up with his debt,so while I'm job searching I'm doing everything I can to help and make him feel better. I didn't think asking for sex once every 2 or 3 weeks was too much to ask. Apparently it is and apparently you seem to share the opinion of my boyfriend of if you're not working you don't deserve anything that makes you happy or to feel good. So my bad. I thought you do things to make each other happy and feel good because you love each other. I didn't know relationships are score cards.

You gave up a job to move to the unknown to be with a guy (stranger)? Sex should be the least of your worries.

Well back in Cali I was living with my now ex boyfriend and when I met my current one he knew I was with someone else and we both pursued it anyway. He asked me to go out to FL and live with him and begged his roommates to get then to let me live with them by pretty much lying about my living situation. They found at later that he lied after I was already living there. I assume things aren't 100% their best because the relationship started badly with it being cheating and that we didn't know each other very well. When I came out here in September he and I were not working out at all. He wasn't the same way in person as he was over the phone and online. I wanted to go back home to my ex,but he asked me to stay and work things out and so here I am 10 months later and I don't know if things "worked out" per se. More so me giving him control of the relationship and backing down. Maybe it's karma for what I did to my ex. In my previous relationship I was the dominant one that had all the control and now I am in my exes shoes. I'm the submissive one with no control whatsoever.

[Alty]

Oi! I never once said that you were being lazy. I asked if you were. I gave an example, and then I asked you if this was the case with you. I did not give you attitude, nor did I state that I knew that was what you were doing all day. I asked if this was the case. It's called a question! I asked that question, because that scenario would make sense based on how he's acting towards you.

I do find it interesting that my question caused you to get so upset with me. That's very telling.

Since you can't seem to differentiate between a question and a statement, I'm out. Good luck.

[Wondergirl]

And I'm getting $ from my grandfather who when he passed away left me a bank account and I'm going to give him some of my $ to help him catch up with his debt

What?? His debt is self imposed -- cigarettes, weed, and video games. And you are going to enable him with his crazy spending (and thereby waste YOUR money too)?

[Askylitheart]

Oi! I never once said that you were being lazy. I asked if you were. I gave an example, and then I asked you if this was the case with you. I did not give you attitude, nor did I state that I knew that was what you were doing all day. I asked if this was the case. It's called a question! I asked that question, because that scenario would make sense based on how he's acting towards you.

I do find it interesting that my question caused you to get so upset with me. That's very telling.

Since you can't seem to differentiate between a question and a statement, I'm out. Good luck.

I am sorry. I am sensitive when it comes to that because I feel people often jump to conclusions when I say I am not working and it bothers me because even though I'm not out there making a wage I am trying to find a job and I'm doing all I can here at home to make him happy and being with someone so controlling is a lot of work emotionally. I did not mean to take it out on you,I just interpreted your message the wrong way I suppose. My apologies. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my problem of sorts.

What??? His debt is self imposed -- cigarettes, weed, and video games. And you are going to enable him with his crazy spending (and thereby waste YOUR money too)?

Well he says he feels bad asking for some of that $ since it is mine and my grandpa left it for me,but I don't know what else to really do to help him financially when jobs aren't panning out so well right now and he isn't going to quit smoking or gaming anytime soon,so I think he will always be broke and struggling which puts pressure on me to help even though he says when I am making $ he isn't going to ask me for any of it.

[Wondergirl]

Well he says he feels bad asking for some of that $ since it is mine and my grandpa left it for me,but I don't know what else to really do to help him financially when jobs aren't panning out so well right now and he isn't going to quit smoking or gaming anytime soon,so I think he will always be broke and struggling which puts pressure on me to help even though he says when I am making $ he isn't going to ask me for any of it.

So HE asked for money from your inheritance? I wonder how long it will last in his hands and what he will buy with it.

Are you trying to buy his love and are hoping he will pay more attention to you once he sees you are "contributing"?

[talaniman]

WOW, thanks for the very important background facts and if you will allow me to be bluntly honest I will repeat what I said about sex being the least of your problems. You both better get your heads out of the clouds and get your lives on track.

Shame you waste you granddads money being a pothead with a pothead. Straighten up or drown in your own crap.

Even you have to see this isn't a relationship at all it's a sham created by two selfish cheaters that while you deserve each other you will both drag each other down and go broke and hungry and blame each other for it.

Yep, poetic justice for two unhealthy people in an unhealthy situation. Go home. Do better.

[Askylitheart]

So HE asked for money from your inheritance? I wonder how long it will last in his hands and what he will buy with it.

Are you trying to buy his love and are hoping he will pay more attention to you once he sees you are "contributing"?

Well I am hoping it would get him out of debt and then he wouldn't be so stressed and if he's not as stressed he will be happier and will be happier with me and not take the stress out on me or the relationship. I'm only getting $1000,so if I were to give him any $ it would be $200 maybe. The amount is so tiny and I have no $ to replace that and since he never spends $ on me I need the $ to buy things for myself like clothes for the Florida weather and other necessities. I also want to have $ saved in case the relationship ends and I go back to California. So I'm kind of on the fence about giving any of the money and the amount to give and he's on the fence about accepting the money,but he said "I hope you know some of that $ is going into my bank account" so I think he will probably end up asking for some $.

[Wondergirl]

Well I am hoping it would get him out of debt and then he wouldn't be so stressed and if he's not as stressed he will be happier and will be happier with me and not take the stress out on me or the relationship.

You actually believe this?

[Askylitheart]

You actually believe this?

I don't believe it.. more so hope for it. That's why I'm not too keen on giving any of it.

[Wondergirl]

I don't believe it..more so hope for it. That's why I'm not too keen on giving any of it.

You and I both know it won't happen.

How about packing up your stuff and going back home?

[Askylitheart]

WOW, thanks for the very important background facts and if you will allow me to be bluntly honest I will repeat what I said about sex being the least of your problems. You both better get your heads out of the clouds and get your lives on track.

Shame you waste you granddads money being a pothead with a pothead. Straighten up or drown in your own crap.

Even you have to see this isn't a relationship at all it's a sham created by two selfish cheaters that while you deserve each other you will both drag each other down and go broke and hungry and blame each other for it.

Yep, poetic justice for two unhealthy people in an unhealthy situation. Go home. Do better.

I have been thinking of going home yes... and I haven't spent any of my grandpas $ on pot. My boyfriend spends his $ on it. I've never spent $ on it. But shame is deserved on me for cheating yes :/

You and I both know it won't happen.

How about packing up your stuff and going back home?

Well I don't really have anywhere to go back home. My parents won't take me in because they have too many children and are over their renting limit. I don't have any friends out there really either. And part of me feels like if I leave him it shows that I don't love and accept him for who he is and that makes me feel horrible. I ran away from my last relationship into this one and I don't want to be the girl that runs away again you know?

[Wondergirl]

Well I don't really have anywhere to go back home. My parents won't take me in because they have too many children and are over their renting limit. I don't have any friends out there really either. And part of me feels like if I leave him it shows that I don't love and accept him for who he is and that makes me feel horrible. I ran away from my last relationship into this one and I don't want to be the girl that runs away again you know?

So you are going to hand over money that will be spent on video games, weed, and cigarettes, then since he is a controller, he will make you feel guilty and will weasel more out of you to buy more stuff.

Skip the psychology talk and start taking care of yourself. If you don't get out with this inheritance, your life is going to go downhill majorly. No job and no car means no future.

Please be the girl who runs away again!!

[talaniman]

There is a better way than use, and be used and finding it while you have a dollar to your name would be well worth it.

[Wondergirl]

And DO NOT tell him you are leaving -- NOT a hint! You know what will happen if you do.

[CravenMorhead]

Hi!

I am going to label a bunch of red flags here, keep in mind these are your words and not mine or anyone elses:

1). He tends to get verbally abusive as well and I like to avoid that.
2). We live in a tiny town in Florida with no car to get around,so we don't go out much.
3). ... when I tell him I'm going to quit smoking weed with him he gets mad and questions it and pretty much pressures me to do it and if not he just smokes right in front of me and keeps offering.
4).He wants me to smoke weed with him daily,but to also get a job. Those two things don't really mix.
5). ...if he didn't want to risk being depended on then he shouldn't have asked me to come out here knowing the job market sucks,knowing how broke he is,and knowing that he'd have to think of someone else besides himself.
6). He's very self focused and I tend to let him have all the control in the relationship to avoid getting yelled at.
7). Everything is when he wants how he wants where he wants and if I try to change that its am issue and I'm made to feel bad about it.
8). We have a...difficult time talking about serious things. Subjects are just avoided or I'm yelled at and it's never brought up again after that.
9). He brings the stress home and dumps it on me or on the relationship. But he said that it could be any girl and he would act annoyed with them too because he doesn't want to deal with anyone's anything after work.
10).on top of the fact that he acts annoyed with me 24/7.

Given the above he is abusive, controlling, combative, and transfers his stress to you. So why are you with this guy again? What point are you willing to stop throwing good money after bad?

It honestly sounds like he is still a little boy who doesn't really want a relationship but thinks that he needs one. He's not looking for a partner really but a reciprocal that he can drop his sh!t into. He wants it his way and he doesn't care about you or your opinions. He sees it not as a partnership but as a master/subservient relationship and that's not healthy and abusive, as you have said.

Why are you putting up with this?

He is still affectionate with me,like he will cuddle with me and give me hugs and occasional kisses (he's never been big on kissing. Which sucks for me because I enjoy kissing,but I just let it be) so it's just difficult for me to have that affection,but nothing further when a month ago it wasn't like this. It makes me feel like I'm not attractive enough

Some of this is you. No one is without their issues. Basing your self-worth, self-esteem, and self-image on someone else's opinions, words, or deeds isn't good. This is something you need to work on. The reason he isn't affectionate to you is him. Not that you're unattractive. As soon as you get over that mental block you will do a lot better. Well that block and settling for him.

It probably doesn't help that after dating long distance and only knowing eachother for 3 months that we moved in together.

This doesn't help at all. The problem with a lot of LDRs is that each person has a often very different idea of how things are and how they work. For example, a buddy of mine was dating a woman LDR(Long distance relationship). She then moved to town. They had been dating for almost a year at that point. My buddy was thinking that this relationship was still in its infancy. The woman was thinking that they were dating for a year an it was more mature. This was never really talked about and expectations were different and it all fell apart.

That fact that you CAN'T, by your own admission, talk about this with him. How do you plan on making this better? How can you fix this?

My advice is to pack a uHaul and go home to visit your parents.