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Good thing I am so far away from the purity and wisdom of Canada.
I am not sure what you mean by this lillian. Your so far away from any wisdom and honestly that is why your in the mess you are in right now. It is not about offending anybody it is about getting you the help you need , but you ask for it but then you deny everything and do not come to terms on any of your situation. As far as Easter Goes I do hope you have a Good Easter. I hope everybody here that celebrates this season has a happy long weekend and have a Great celebration of renewal. Joe |
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Lillian -
I'm not being sarcastic, truly I'm not. The only good thing about this, is that you are not alone. The below is just a small snapshot, of the girls/women that come here hour after hour, day after day, with the same story. Does this validate you being in this situation? It shouldn't. It should open your eyes, that so many others, have fallen into the same trap. Pull yourself out of this mess. Does NO ONE think of the wife. NO ONE? Seems your sad situation is very catchy and the following probably cry their eyes out on all the holidays just like you: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ht=married+man https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ht=married+man https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ht=married+man https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ht=married+man https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ht=married+man https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ht=married+man |
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Lilliandiana, I'm sending lots of strength and energy your way. You're so in love with this person who does not deserve undying devotion! You're simply not seeing clearly at all. You're not thinking about his wife at all. It takes a heck of a lot of strength for a woman with low self-esteem and low self-confidence to cut ties to an addiction. He's your feel-good drug. He's not good for you but he gives you a temporary high. And you know this. You know what needs to be done. You're just too weak/scared to do it.. . I've mentioned earlier that I unglued myself from a similar situation and it was hard! It was so hard but I did it. I made my view clear, I changed my number, I did not waver. He checked a few times to see if that door was truly locked and, when he found it was, he vanished. That part hurt, too! True love never dies, does it? But these types of situations that are based on lies and deception are certainly not love. We want to believe it's love... it feels like love... but it is not. Not at all. To be honest, although I'm not in a physical/sexual affair anymore, I'm in the middle of an emotional/mental one. I'm finding support here in everyone's words to you and in your own struggle. I can truly relate to you.
A woman who loves and values herself and the human beings around her would never conduct herself in this fashion. Try to emulate those women. Maybe you've never been one before but so what? Start thinking and acting like a woman with loads of confidence. Don't let your entire life slip away like this. Isn't it time for a positive change? I'm scared for you. I'm stressed out for you. But you're a grown adult and your decisions are your own to make. If you believe this guy is the best you can do and it's love, then so be it. Your perception is your reality. You've got that secret, deep-down hope that he'll one day leave his wife for you. Even though he's said he won't (using his son as an excuse instead of the wife), you still harbor hope. Kill that hope, Lilliandiana. It will never happen. I don't gamble but if I did, I'd bet everything on it. You're being used by someone who does not love you. |
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I think Gem that you are reading my thoughts. Friday was a very difficult day. I ran into a friend, G, whom I dated briefly about 10 years ago who was addicted to a woman who cost him his marriage and ran him into bankruptcy, cheated on him and basically took him for everything he had before leaving him. At the time we dated, they were broken up but he was still addicted and we never had a chance. He turned into a good friend, however, and is now remarried. Friday he asked about me and M. He has always urged me to end it and on Friday he said, "would God bless you in a situation that was wrong?" That got to me. Then I get on this site where the posts Friday seem designed more to humiliate and beat me up than help me and I ended up in tears. Then M comes over for a few minutes. I ask him to help me put a bed together for a back room I am fixing up and it is so obvious that his first priority is getting home and not helping me if it takes over 2 seconds. Then he says something about "we are saving for vacation right now". WE. We-- as in the person he has no relationship with but just lives there. It was one of those glimpses of him that caused me to come here in the first place. He said he got off work early because of a migraine coming on--but I found myself wondering if that was a lie similar to the dog ate my homework--anything to get off early on a Friday night, stay a requisite 10 minutes with me and start having fun elsewhere. What kind of relationship is it when you wonder if the other person is lying about a migraine?
He is a temporary feel good drug, Gem. But long term he wears at my entire being. I feel like I am an awesome person, but no matter what I create at home or at work that makes me feel good about myself, there is always the frustration of "if I am so awesome, why doesn't he want me? Why after 3 years doesn't he want to do everything possible to be with me and keep me?" And he DOESN'T. He can take me or leave me. He can fake a migraine to avoid having to spend over 10 minutes with me if he has something else he would rather do! And looks? What type of relationship is it when even that is a source of worry? I am not 25. But any 25 year old that shows up is a threat! Why? Because there is no commitment with me he wants to protect. So I have a wife to feel jealous of whom he takes to the beach and I have any attractive woman who comes into his sight because what am I? I am Nothing. Do you know that he actually said for me not to touch him Friday night and "get him going" because "You don't want me to have to go home and........"? He didn't finish the sentence but is he actually WANTING me to picture that?? And as much as I am besotted with him, I don't want anyone so much that he has the power to make me feel like I am a nothing. If he was any kind of decent man, he would take care of my feelings because I had value to him. I don't, so I am constantly fretting about why I am not good enough, young enough, pretty enough. My friend, G, said he couldn't imagine M not loving me--that I was a sweet lady with a good heart who had a wonderful personality. So I cried again. I deserve a man who wants me and protects me and values me and behaves like it. Instead I have a man who takes everything I have to give and tucks it into his back pocket--always there if you need it. I don't need to be worried. I don't need to fret. I need to be wanted and loved for me. I just need a way to end it that he hasn't lived through a zillion times with me. |
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God lillia I know how you feel that's sounds exactly like my situation. Im 27 and he is 32, and the thing you said about the vacation that is so true, he said the same thing and I have no clue why. Why would he want to go away with her if he says that "he is not in love with her anymore" or "doesnt love her like that anymore". I just don't understand that. And what you said about feeling bad about who you are that's exactly how I feel, like I'm not good enough and I never felt like that about anybody. It's almost like a power that he has over me to make himself feel better, I am always asking myself too "what's wrong with me?" "why does she get to have him and they are not even intimate"? I don't get that, Part of me wants to stay to see what happens, that deep down there is a small hope that we will be together, but then on the other hand I think god why keep wasting time on someone who can't even buy me a birthday card. I don't know anymore I'm so down about all this I don't even have the energy to get mad anymore. What do you think?
BROOK |
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Brooklyn,
I don't want to go all religious on you, but I went to Mass today for the first time in a long time. I didn't want to go before because I couldn't go in the morning and keep on repeating the same bad behavior in the afternoon. I know so how you feel, and how hard you love this guy, but ask yourself how right could the relationship be if you have all these bad feelings about yourself? Relationships are about feeling your best self--not your worst. In my case, it's been over 2 years of constantly wondering. He came over last week after hiring this new employee and his upper lip smelled like smoke. Did that tell me anything? She smokes. Of course he swears it was just because she was in the room and he sat in her chair. His upper lip! And this week on the same night of the week that she works with him he was feeling too "tard" (that's hick for tired) to come over. How pathetic would it be if he were cheating on me---I don't even have the vacation at the beach to look forward to! Everybody comes to their breaking point at different times, but I am tired and worn out from being the woman with NOTHING. I try to be a good person and I am NOT a good person if I stay in a relationship that makes me feel bad. Also, you have been blessed with good things in your life, just as I have been and am. How grateful for our blessings are we if we throw all the good things in our lives off to the side to stay in a relationship that makes me feel not terrific but miserable?? I think we should both err on the side that says there is a good chance there is another woman who tries just as hard and loves just as much as we do and she is working hard to be with this guy. Only she doesn't know he is breaking his promise to love just her. Maybe the guys we love are telling the truth that "there is nothing there", but if there isn't why aren't we getting birthday presents?? If they are telling the truth they will "man up" and fix their lives! I don't know about you, but I would have been thrilled with a dandelion off the side of the road if it came from him for my birthday. See how pathetic I am? And still got nothing! Every time I feel weak I am going to remember the "you don't want me to have to go home and ........". And I am going to focus on my blessings! I wish you good luck and strength in whatever you decide to do. L |
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Reading the above -- this forum bringing you 2 together might be the best thing that can help you both right now
Strength in # lol This will be the last time I open this thread -- so may the deity of your choice bless /protect and lead you on the right paths. Savage |
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You're blinded by love; you do not see the truth. He is a liar. He lies. He lies like it's nothing. Lies flow easily from him. And he's a convincing liar, too. That's why he's been able to pull off this affair. I'm sure he could pull it off for twenty years if he wanted and you helped.
He is also selfish, manipulative, and a cheater. You do not believe it because you love him. You find it impossible that your heart would have you love someone with those traits. But you do. And he does. He has told many lies to you. He has told many lies to his wife. It's all about him. He's a slave to falsehood. He wouldn't recognize the truth if it bit him in the patootie. It's the way the married man/single girl affair works. The married man is selfish, deceptive, arrogant, and self-righteous; the single woman is sad, lonely, fearful, and desperate. The wife is knowingly/unknowingly married to a man who acts as if he's entitled to anything he wants. Sometimes what he wants is good for his wife and kids, sometimes not. These men won't prey on women that are fulfilled, happy, and brimming with self confidence. It would be too much work to break her down. But it's easy to break down a broken woman. The work is done! You get shaken up when something he says/does doesn't match your beliefs about him (like saying "we are saving for a vacation" or leaving your presence within minutes). You get confused and start to wonder. The rest of us, the objective observers, can see him for who he is. We are not confused. We are not wondering. We know he is a poor excuse for a man, we know he doesn't respect his wife, we know you need to end it. You made a mistake by getting involved with this weasel. (No offense to weasels.) But it's a mistake that can be remedied. You're using him to self medicate. And you obviously have a long way to go in order to see yourself as an attractive woman. This weasel is a symptom of a large problem. When I kicked my weasel to the curb, he was soon replaced with other unhealthy addictions. The root cause needs to be identified and dealt with. The more quick you end it, the more quick you can heal and move on. Just don't make the mistake I made and replace this weasel with another. It's easy for women like us to fall for these weasels. We have rock-bottom self-esteem. Our self-esteem is so low that our moral compass is broken. Really, if we were moral women of strong character, we'd never do this, right? We'd be honest, decent, loving, and consistent. But we're not acting that way. We're acting like homewreckers. We are homewreckers. We do not think of ourselves that way but it is the truth. These are the three choices available to all married men who feel an attraction to another woman: (1) Honor my marriage vows, stay with my wife, and forget about the other woman or (2) Get a divorce, deal with the legalities, and build a life with the other woman or (3) As long as the other woman's willing, meet with her when possible because I deserve it.. |
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For me, my biggest challenges will be 1) the man who pursues and then is aloof because this is when I start to wonder what I did wrong and the seed of WORKING to be liked or love is born. 2) gathering up all the negatives to form the darkest picture of the world around me and then feeling scared and lonely. I would have put missing the friendship with M as 3, but I don't think I had much of a friend in M.
I am impatient and easily overwhelmed, but I am strong and I know I can do this. I intend to keep thinking of that other woman who is working so hard and has worked for 20 years to earn his love and keep him from cheating. I at least can walk away. I have a home and a job and family. As lonely as things sometimes get, they are still REAL. I intend to be grateful for them and stop shunting them aside to stick my finger in the dyke of M's all-encompassing ego, pretending its love. |
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Gem You Said It And Honestly I Could Not Have Said It Better Myself, Everything You Wrote Down Is Exactly How He Is, That Is Scary To See How Someone Who Doesn't Even Know Him Actually Does, Yes He Is So Manipulative All The Time I Hate It. Its Almost Like He Has To Insult Me To Make Himself Feel Better. These Past Couple Of Weeks Have Been Very Hard For Me And I Think Its Because I Am Finally Seeing What I Couldn't See All Along... what Kind Of Person He Really Is. And There Is One Other Thing.. and I Must Say That I Am Proud Of Myself For This One Because It Took A lot For Me To Do This, But I Started Thinking With Me Head And Not My Heart And Ill Tell Ya What Its Amazing!! Knowledge Is Power Let Me Say It Again Knowledge Is Power! That's My New Motto And Its So Great How When I Think Smart I See More About Who He Really Is Than I Ever Thought That I Would See! Everyone On This Site Has Helped Me So Much And Will Continue To Do So, It Means The World To Me To Be Able To Vent And Write About This And Especially Read The Responses, It Might Sound Weird But It Has Gotten Me Through A lot Of Days And Nights As It Always Will. I Know Its Hard For Me But Im 3 Days Sober And I Say That Because As Someone Else Said Its Like A Feel Good Drug And You Know What? Im Going To Get Me Back And That's That!! Its So Empowering I Am So Tired And I Mean Tired Of Letting Some Liar, And Mean And Rude Person Walk All Over Me. It's Going To Stop Now I Know It's Not Going To Happen In A Day But Each Day That I Don't Call Is A Better Day, And Its Going To Start My Journey To Cleansing My Soul And My Emotions. I Do Love Him But You Know What? If He Leaves Her Then That's A Different Story, But I Just Want To Add, I Didn't Call Him For 2 Days And Of Course He Calls Me "they Always Come Back" It Was Funny Because I Wasn't All Lovey Dovey I Was Monotone The Whole Way, And Boy Did He Get Worried I Smiled The Whole Time!!
Brook |
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 Originally Posted by lilliandiana
I am writing this as a man who has cheated on my wife, lived through reconcilliation, and basically just been in the position of the man you love. You need to end your relationship with him. He has underlying problems in his marriage and in his own emotional condition. Even if what you hope for came to fruition, he would bring these underlying problems and issues into what you had envisioned to be the perfect love you had hoped for. That is the factual reality of the situation. Beyond the factual reality, odds are that he either already has someone else in addition to you on the side, or he will when the opportunity presents itself. He is simply looking for sex, and is telling you what you want to hear to get it. In this case, he is simply using you as a piece of meat to satisfy his own needs. Lastly, until you free yourself of your emotional bond with him, you will not be able to find and experience the true love you desire. I hope this helps you in some way. |
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