[newmom1221]

Today I was on my boyfriends phone to look something up. When I clicked in the internet icon, up popped a porn site. So I checked his history and besides for today his history had been wiped clean. So I did a little digging and looked at his downloads and there was over 20 porn videos downloaded in the last three days. I don't know what to do or say, cause I was looking through his phone. I guess it bothers me because he works all the time and I never see him and when I do and I try and set the mood he's not interested, and being new parents we don't get many chances to have sex and he just doesn't seem interested in me any more. He watches it right when he wakes up, before he showers, when I shower, pretty much when ever I'm not around. Help?

[Fr_Chuck]

The issue is that, he is not interested in sex, perhaps he is masturbating too much.

Men, (many) watch some porn, so ask him, he needs to provide sex at home, if he is neglecting you, then it is a problem, just watching it is not the problem

[Cat1864]

Today I was on my boyfriends phone to look something up. When I clicked in the internet icon, up popped a porn site. So I checked his history and besides for today his history had been wiped clean. So I did a little digging and looked at his downloads and there was over 20 porn videos downloaded in the last three days. I don't know what to do or say, cause I was looking through his phone. I guess it bothers me because he works all the time and I never see him and when I do and I try and set the mood he's not interested, and being new parents we don't get many chances to have sex and he just doesn't seem interested in me any more. He watches it right when he wakes up, before he showers, when I shower, pretty much when ever I'm not around. Help?

How old is your baby? Does he help out with the baby when he is at home?

Looking does not equal masturbating/getting off. He may be looking as entertainment and may be trying to find his libido. If he is masturbating, it doesn't mean he is up to or ready for sexual intercourse. It can be a way of relieving stress and not having to worry about adding the pressure of a partner's needs.

He may be stressed, exhausted, distracted, etc. Sex may not be high on his list of needs right now.

Your timing for trying to seduce him may be off. While you are ready, his mind and body may not be. You could be adding pressure to preform to a long list of distractions and worries. He may also be shying away from having sex because of limited time and/or fear the child will wake up needing attention.

New parents have a lot of adjustments to make. Communicating with each other and working together to fix problems such as finding time for sex is one of them. You both need to be open about what is bothering you and listen to what the other person says. Try working together.

One thing you can do is to try not to allow yourself to fall into the trap of thinking that because your sex life is taking a backseat to other matters, he doesn't find you attractive, wants you or loves you. Your attitude will affect his. If you start thinking that sex is the only way to show affection and love, then he may back off not because he doesn't love you, but due to feeling pressured and unable to give you what you are demanding.

Something to try is taking all the pressure off having intercourse. Instead, relax together. Talk, joke, play games, nap, etc. Enjoy the quiet moments of being a couple.

Are you able to have someone watch the baby so you can have some time alone?

[JudyKayTee]

This situation is not magically going to change. You are going to have to talk to him about it if you want to know what he's thinking, why he's "addicted" to porn (as opposed to watching/enjoying it).

Of course, that will require admitting that you spy on him, including "digging" for more info.

I'm an investigator. I would never dream of checking my partner's phone.

You trust him so little that you have to check up on him? I think there are other problems, not just porn.

[smoothy]

Are you addicted to chick flix or soap operas... if you have seen more than 20? There is less than ZERO indications of any porn addiction here... just an average male fascination with the female form. The only men that don't like the female body are men with severe hormone issues... or gay men... and not all gay men are adverse to admiring the female body either.

First off its his phone... and its his business. Not yours.


Time you learn the basic concept of boundaries in a relationship.

From what you describe... he's ticked off about far more things in your relationship than you even know about... the fact you are even upset about him viewing porn is proof there are far more serious issues at play here that he hasn't felt the need to bring to your attention YET... and we can only guess at this point what they may be.

Little bit of advice here... I've got more than 20 "porn" clips on my Android tablet... thousands on my computer... I've got a great relationship with MY wife and after 22 years of marriage... (she is shy of 50... I'm just over 50) we still get it on more than many 20 something year old's. SO instead of looking for things to blame it on... how about a little introspection of how you relate with him... Besides certain medical conditions, side effects of some medications... or exhaustion... lack of libido is also an strong indication he's pissed off with you over something or several things. A lot of guys don't bellyache and moan every time they are upset about something... it usually builds up to a certain point before they let it out. Apparently he hasn't gotten to that point yet.

And this is a man that's been around the block more than a few times telling you this.

[backpack2389]

If you two are never having sex and he really did watch 20 videos in three days, then it does sound like maybe something is wrong. But keep in mind a few things...

You can't really know if he actually watched 20 videos or even intended to download them all. You get so much junk when you go to download just about anything from the internet that half of that stuff might be garbage he never intended to get. Internet history is a really misleading source.

Do you think the lack of sex is skewing your perspective a bit? It's easier to not care about porn when you're regularly having sex. It's a lot harder when you're not having any sex. Would you be so bothered by the porn if you guys managed to put your sex life back on track? Were you worried about him having an 'addiction' before?

There are a lot of stressors in your life right now that could be reducing his energy level and libido (in many positions, sex is a lot of work for men after all). A decrease in the lack of sex and subsequent increase in porn viewing could very well be just reflecting all of the things going on in your life, but have nothing to do with you. And just because he's too tired to have sex, doesn't mean he has no desire for sexual release. Porn is just easier.

Bottom line is that there are many factors to consider and addiction is quite a strong label to lay on him. I don't know that you should worry about a temporary lag in sexual activity, although I don't think you should just let it continue either. Whatever your problems are, a extended period with a lack of physical intimacy will only make things worse. Have you tried a plain old conversation about your sex life (from which the topic of porn is excluded)?

[excon]

Hello new:

I wouldn't worry. You can't wack off while holding a cell phone. Besides, the pictures are too small.

excon

[CravenMorhead]

Hello new:

I wouldn't worry. You can't wack off while holding a cell phone. Besides, the pictures are too small.

excon

I would beg to differ.

Source: Personal experience.

[CravenMorhead]

If you two are never having sex and he really did watch 20 videos in three days, then it does sound like maybe something is wrong. But keep in mind a few things...

You can't really know if he actually watched 20 videos or even intended to download them all. You get so much junk when you go to download just about anything from the internet that half of that stuff might be garbage he never intended to get. Internet history is a really misleading source.

I find to goes in fits and spurts (No pun intended) when downloading videos. It can be that he just needed a refresh or found something he wanted. Depending on what you mean by downloading, it can be misleading as well. Some torrents have hundreds of vids in them. If you mean watching things like red tub/porn hub/xhamster et al. Then it isn't surprising. Think of those like you watch YouTube. Might look good to begin with but not so much when you get into it.

I agree with the cyber-snooping. All the information is provided without context.

Do you think the lack of sex is skewing your perspective a bit? It's easier to not care about porn when you're regularly having sex. It's a lot harder when you're not having any sex. Would you be so bothered by the porn if you guys managed to put your sex life back on track? Were you worried about him having an 'addiction' before?

There is so much truth here. So much truth.

There are a lot of stressors in your life right now that could be reducing his energy level and libido (in many positions, sex is a lot of work for men after all). A decrease in the lack of sex and subsequent increase in porn viewing could very well be just reflecting all of the things going on in your life, but have nothing to do with you. And just because he's too tired to have sex, doesn't mean he has no desire for sexual release. Porn is just easier.

Not to mention getting said woman in the mood for the sexy times. A hand/alone time is second to pretty much anything you can do with a woman. Even a woman giving a handjob is often better than a masturbation session. There is an overhead to that too. Men tend to be easier to excite and quicker too. So when a man wants to have sex he needs to turn on his partner. OR. He can quickly rub one off. If you're exhausted then the latter is going to be more appealing even though the former is more satisfying.

I hope that makes sense.

Bottom line is that there are many factors to consider and addiction is quite a strong label to lay on him. I don't know that you should worry about a temporary lag in sexual activity, although I don't think you should just let it continue either. Whatever your problems are, a extended period with a lack of physical intimacy will only make things worse. Have you tried a plain old conversation about your sex life (from which the topic of porn is excluded)?

This. Honestly. This. I think a conversation about the entire situation is warranted as well as to why he is working so much and he's so exhausted.

[N0help4u]

It is pretty much proven that people with addictions, watch/play too many video games & other forms of entertainment, have less sex drive, especially when the addiction is porn. Porn desensitizes. It seems that when you are use to being entertained by non or virtual reality your senses get stimulated to the point you don't have to do much of anything to fulfill yourself in the real world. A study shows that people who watch shows with rich people or people winning large sums of money or material things satisfies the viewer as if it were happening to them. Add that to the fact that it is quite normal for guys to lose interest in sex after baby. Patience and talking about your feelings right now is about all you can do.

[excon]

Hello N0:

Nice to see you.

excon

[CravenMorhead]

It is pretty much proven that people with addictions, watch/play too many video games & other forms of entertainment, have less sex drive, especially when the addiction is porn. Porn desensitizes. It seems that when you are use to being entertained by non or virtual reality your senses get stimulated to the point you don't have to do much of anything to fulfill yourself in the real world. A study shows that people who watch shows with rich people or people winning large sums of money or material things satisfies the viewer as if it were happening to them. Add that to the fact that it is quite normal for guys to lose interest in sex after baby. Patience and talking about your feelings right now is about all you can do.

Post sources please.

I would like to know how I am not within a few standard deviations of the bell curve. Please consider that I am a avid consumer of pornography, with a pregnant wife who is due in a week. As well as someone who's going to have a hard time keeping his hands off her once we get back from the hospital because I have always had a hard time doing so.

What you've posted is a common misconception about pornography and addictions as a whole as well as how misused the word addiction is. As well as the common ignorance about the entire subject. As well ignorance isn't a bad thing. Ignorance can be fixed. Don't take it as a bad thing, it is only bad if you allow it to continue.

Addictions are a tricky thing and the use of that phrase is becoming troublesome. For example, someone really likes pictures of cute kittens with sassy comments emblazoned across them. They look at them a lot, have their personal collection of them, and makes them themselves. You could say that they're addicted to them. Are they though? Is it affecting their relationships? When I say affect I mean, does it interfere on the level of the "Addict". Does stop them from forming a relationship due to time constraints not because they're going out the Puppy Caption people who are morally opposed to Sassy Kitten pictures.

In conclusion. Please post your sources, I would dearly like to read them.

[smoothy]

It is pretty much proven that people with addictions, watch/play too many video games & other forms of entertainment, have less sex drive, especially when the addiction is porn. Porn desensitizes. It seems that when you are use to being entertained by non or virtual reality your senses get stimulated to the point you don't have to do much of anything to fulfill yourself in the real world. A study shows that people who watch shows with rich people or people winning large sums of money or material things satisfies the viewer as if it were happening to them. Add that to the fact that it is quite normal for guys to lose interest in sex after baby. Patience and talking about your feelings right now is about all you can do.

I question some those studies.. because from my personal experience and people I know its been the exact opposite.

Everyone I know watching some richt person with their Ferarri's etc... gives us no satifaction... it makes us like the heap we drive even less... and want more than we got.

Though I do agree on certain other points. Like the people that spend endless hours on video games... a new baby effecting things (for a number of reasons for some)... and talking and patience.