[Val_54]

Hi, I have been chatting to an Italian guy on line who I met on a dating site, for 4 years now, who lives in the UK. We don't live very close, so have never met, his choice more than mine as he has had bad experiences with long distance relationships in the past. Over the years and chatting several times a week on line, we got to know each other very well, having a laugh and sharing similar interests etc in fact we would often talk for several hours. We have also chatted via web cam so we knew exactly what each other looked like. Sometimes the conversations would become quite flirtatious instigated by him and our sense of humor being similar meant we would bounce of each other.

Over this time I have become very attracted to him both physically and in an emotional way, he became a friend who I could talk to about anything, and he did too. From May last year until March this year he stopped going on line and then after 10 months he reappeared and started chatting again, he was messaging me first every time. After a few chats he began to get flirtatious again until one day he said he would have to stop chatting as he felt guilty due to the fact he had a girl friend, which he had told me about when we started chatting again. I asked why we couldn't continue as friends and keep things platonic but he said he gets carried away when chatting to me and imagines 'things' as he put it - meaning that he imagines we are being intimate and this makes him feel guilty. He then said that this meant that I was still attractive sexually.

My question is, if he has a girl friend and he is happy with her, then surely he could continue to talk to me as a friend and not get carried away and imagining things that we might do together in a sexual way. So is he feeling more for me than he is letting on because I am quite confused to be honest? Any opinion would be of a great help so I can get my head around this, thank you.

[joypulv]

I don't think it's a matter of having to cut you off because he has conflicting feelings, although that could easily be part of it. I think it's a matter of concentrating all his free time on the woman he is involved with in person. I always wonder how so many people have so much free time to chat online! I'm retired and can do whatever I want all day.

[Val_54]

He is currently unemployed although trying very hard to get a job. We only chat in the evenings as I work full time, which seemed odd as I would have thought he would have been spending his evenings with his girl friend. He says he cannot carry on talking to me because it makes him feel guilty, why would that be men and women talk to each other all the time when they are in relationships without feeling guilty, surely there has to be another reason. The only conclusion I can come up with is that he does have feelings etc and this is what is making him feel gullty.

[Alty]

You were an online fling, nothing serious. You two became friends, and both of you enjoyed flirting with each other.

Now he has a girlfriend, and he probably realizes that flirting with some girl online, isn't okay. You yourself stated that you two tend to flirt when "talking" to each other. He knows that's what will happen, and because he has a girlfriend that he cares about, he doesn't want to jeopardize that relationship because of some girl he met online.

Respect that, and leave him alone. This has nothing to do with how he feels about you. It has everything to do with how he feels about his girlfriend. He never wants to make her question his feeling for her, because of his flirting with you, which means nothing.

Chat's can be found. What would his girlfriend think if she saw a chat were you're flirting with each other? His guilt is over how his girlfriend would feel. Not over you. That's why he's letting you go, because you're not the one he wants to protect. He can let you go because he has no romantic feelings for you. He's respecting the girl he cares about, his girlfriend.

[Homegirl 50]

This is about his respecting his girl friend, not feelings toward you. Leave the guy alone. I'm sure you would not like it if you were his girl friend.
Move on, make other friends.

[joypulv]

You can't take breakup explanations literally. Many of them are lies to lessen the pain, to be nice. PLUS he might be back if this doesn't work out. He was gone (totally, right?) for 10 months just recently! Don't you think that might have been because of a girlfriend?

[Val_54]

You can't take breakup explanations literally. Many of them are lies to lessen the pain, to be nice. PLUS he might be back if this doesn't work out. He was gone (totally, right?) for 10 months just recently! Don't you think that might have been because of a girlfriend?

Not straight away no, because there was no mention of anyone the last time we chatted. He was gone totally for 10 months & apologised for just disappearing but did not say it was due to him having a girl friend, he told me he has only been seeing her for a few months, so I would take that as not a year. So why after all that time and him having a girl friend did he start chatting again? He told me he had deleted most of his on line contacts but not me for some reason.

I appreciate he is respecting his girl friend and not me, although I do think he is to certain extent respecting me too as he knows how much I like him, but that is not the point I'm trying to make. My point is,1) why did he come back on line after so long? 2) He was happily chatting to me as friends, nothing flirtatious to start with and after the first chat I even told him when I'd be online next and to message me then if he wanted to and he did! 3) The most confusing bit is, yes he is seeing someone which I respect but as we were very close friends I saw no reason to stop chatting but it was always him who started flirting with me & very much encouraging me to flirt back which I was reluctant to do, & he would then say I was a bit prudish! After a couple more chats he then said he will have to stop chatting as he felt guilty he said it wasn't my fault, but because he gets 'carried away' he feels like he is cheating and that was when he said, that this meant that I was still sexually attractive to him. Naturally I was flattered, but said OK well I can chat without it being flirtatious and keep it platonic, but he obviously cannot do that as he says he imagines things e.g. being intimate with me which is clearly what is making him feel guilty! My last point is and probably the most confusing is why, if he is in a relationship would he even feel the need to speak to me in an intimate way if he was being totally fulfilled by his girl friend - if it was me who had a boyfriend but still kept in touch with him, then I wouldn't even consider flirting with him as I wouldn't need to and if I did I would be asking myself, should I be with this man?

After all men and women do have friends of the opposite sex whilst in a relationship with no problem. He said he will always consider me a good friend and we helped each through some difficult times. 4 years is a long time and we used to chat more than I chatted with my own friends. And Alty I don't consider myself as just 'some girl' and neither would he. Also people do walk away from someone they have feelings for depending on circumstances, what I mean it doesn't always mean there are no feelings involved.

[joypulv]

Gone ten whole months, and you think that because he didn't mention a girlfriend that means he didn't have one? Again, I think you look at things too literally. And concretely. He may have been pursuing a woman who didn't work out; who knows. This one is working out.
I just don't understand why anyone has to even defend pulling out of an online relationships. I think you are, in his eyes, very tantalizing eye and ear candy, sweet filler in between real life. He wants a real live woman - he said at the beginning that he didn't want a LDR. It doesn't mean that if you lived in the same place you wouldn't be the love of his life. But I don't get why you don't get his reasoning, and why you need deeper meaning.

[Val_54]

Just before last Easter he said he was going to Italy to visit his mother, unusual because he usually went in the summer, he said he needed to get away, mainly because of his job situation, he came back we chatted no mention of anything and he would have as he had done in the past, so no reason not to. He disappeared for 10 months comes back apologises for just going with no explanation apart from the fact he said it was because I wanted a relationship which isn't strictly true as I've never met him so how would I know! Then he said he had started seeing someone which was fine with me. My point is if he was happy with his girlfriend he wouldn't feel the need to be this way with me and could therefore continue as friends. I'm not saying I would be the love of his life or he mine either until you meet you don't know. I do look at things literally, its just the way I am. I'm a naturally curious person and would like to know exactly what his thoughts were. Just because it was an on line relationship doesn't mean to say it doesn't mean anything, you can become very fond of someone by chatting to them on line and also on web cam. He has a very vivid imagination and often lives in a dream world it was always me who tried to be the realist. He gets very down about his lack of a job which he says is his main worry right now. I just wanted others opinions that's all. It was all in all a very strange situation really but he was and is a good friend and didn't want to lose that. He could delete me from his contacts but he hasn't so we will see.

[Homegirl 50]

Why don't you ask him? Has he broken all communication with you? Sounds to me like he is either in to this other woman or he has a new chat buddy.

[Handyman2007]

Maybe he feels that talking with you now that he has a girlfriend is somehow "cheating" on her. That is not a bad thing on his part.

[Val_54]

Why don't you ask him? Has he broken all communication with you? Sounds to me like he is either in to this other woman or he has a new chat buddy.

He has explained why he had to stop chatting to me in as much it makes him feel guilty because he has a girlfriend, which is fair enough, I understand that. But what I am intrigued to know is, is it because he carries more feelings for me than he is letting on hence the guilty feeling. If you are just friends with no feelings or attraction surely you wouldn't feel guilty, I know I wouldn't! He hasn't broken all communication as he hasn't deleted me from his contacts, he chats to me via outlook, used to be MSN before it disappeared, so if I'm on my laptop and he logs into his emails then I can see he is on line, but he's not ever on there very long now. There is no other chat buddy.

Just as a point regarding his fear of long distance relationships. The reason for this is due to when he was at uni in his 20's he had two long distance relationships, obviously not at the same time, but he fell in love with these girls, which was something he did very easily when he was younger so he told me and both ended the relationship which was very painful for him to the point he ended up dropping out of uni, which is now a big regret as he isn't able to pursue the career he would have liked. He was keen for us to meet up when we first chatted and then reflected on the past and decided not to because he said we wouldn't be able to continue if things went well, again I believe he was a little scared in case things did go well and he would rather not know, thus safe guarding his feelings, whereas I would rather know if there was the chemistry which I am so sure we have. He did admit he puts the 'barriers' up if he starts to have feelings for someone.

One other point also is that when he said he had to stop chatting to me because he gets carried away, in the next breath he was being flirtatious again so work that one out, I had to tell him not to do it!

Maybe he feels that talking with you now that he has a girlfriend is somehow "cheating" on her. That is not a bad thing on his part.

Well, yes that is exactly it but my point is, if he just saw me as a friend and nothing more then why would he feel guilty?

[joypulv]

Because he is an all or nothing guy, who falls in love too easily and too hard, who drops out of school when relationships fail, who possibly fails because he suffocates women with attention too fast?
I'll bet dollars to donuts he'll be back (in 10 months or less).

[talaniman]

Maybe its you getting carried away by your own curiosity and wanting to talk it out with strangers and getting our opinions. No matter our opinions his actions will always be a mystery until you can finally ask him to fill the blanks in.

Until then all our speculation will never satisfy you, so at some point you have to accept what HE has told you at face value and don't dig any deeper. Just understand as his friend that he is trying to stay within the boundaries of good behavior and has things in his life that distract him.

Maybe he is trying to just keep in touch without being inappropriate to his girlfriend, or you his friend. That sexual attraction stuff is irrelevant, or your own attempts for that personal feel good. Maybe you have no other outlet for your natural curiosity. Maybe that's the key here is you want him to feed you more about his own feelings than he has for whatever reason.

[Homegirl 50]

Maybe he is sexually attracted to you and therefore you are a distraction in his new relationship. He is trying to do the right thing. Let it be. At this point it does not matter what his feelings for you are.

[Val_54]

Because he is an all or nothing guy, who falls in love too easily and too hard, who drops out of school when relationships fail, who possibly fails because he suffocates women with attention too fast?
I'll bet dollars to donuts he'll be back (in 10 months or less).

He used to fall in love far too easily he says, which might be why he has kept me at arms length so to speak. He says he has never had a lot of girlfriends in the past and has never lived with anyone even though he is 43! He seems to have had a few girl friends since he has lived in the UK the longest was 3 yrs but most of the others were not serious.

I think you might be right gut feeling tells me the same a but not putting my life on hold for him.

Maybe its you getting carried away by your own curiosity and wanting to talk it out with strangers and getting our opinions. No matter our opinions his actions will always be a mystery until you can finally ask him to fill the blanks in.

Until then all our speculation will never satisfy you, so at some point you have to accept what HE has told you at face value and don't dig any deeper. Just understand as his friend that he is trying to stay within the boundaries of good behavior and has things in his life that distract him.

Maybe he is trying to just keep in touch without being inappropriate to his gf, or you his friend. That sexual attraction stuff is irrelevant, or your own attempts for that personal feel good. Maybe you have no other outlet for your natural curiosity. Maybe that's the key here is you want him to feed you more about his own feelings than he has for whatever reason.

All I was trying to do was get opinions of complete strangers who don't know me or him. I don't think the sexual attraction is irrelevant because at least knowing I am attractive to him then I know its more than friendship, no chemistry and there can't ever have been anything more. I agree with you that he is trying to stay within the boundaries and he does find this hard to do for whatever reason. One minute he was telling me he couldn't carry on chatting because he felt guilty and he felt like he was cheating and then the next minute he was off again telling what he would like me to do to him - confusing or what - I then had to tell him to stop.

Maybe he is sexually attracted to you and therefore you are a distraction in his new relationship. He is trying to do the right thing. Let it be. At this point it does not matter what his feelings for you are.

Possibly, I am distraction to him, but he is the one who cannot seem to keep things platonic, I can and would but it was always him who would start flirting. I would just like to know what his true feeling are whether it matters or not, just curious. I know he is trying to do the right thing and I respect that, if he wants to get in touch then its up to him, he always was the one to contact me first so guessed he was OK about chatting to me. Thinking about it why start chatting to me again in the first place, he knew he would get carried away and that he had a girl friend!

[Alty]

Possibly, I am distraction to him, but he is the one who cannot seem to keep things platonic, I can and would but it was always him who would start flirting. I would just like to know what his true feeling are whether it matters or not, just curious. I know he is trying to do the right thing and I respect that, if he wants to get in touch then its up to him, he always was the one to contact me first so guessed he was ok about chatting to me. Thinking about it why start chatting to me again in the first place, he knew he would get carried away and that he had a girl friend!

Only he knows his true feelings, we can't tell you. We can only base our replies on what you've told us. Possibly he is attracted to you, which is worrisome to him because he has a girlfriend now. So now he's doing the right thing, and concentrating on the woman that he cares about, not a woman that's only a possibility, one that he's never even met face to face. Why jeopardize an actual relationship for the possibility of one?

You need to stop obsessing about why he decided to cut contact, and just accept that he did, and respect his right to do so.

[Homegirl 50]

Being sexually attracted and chemistry has nothing to do with really caring for someone. Maybe he thought he could keep chatting with you and now realizes he can't. You can be sexually attracted to someone you hardly know.

[talaniman]

You already know he is adamant of staying out of LDR's. And why have you not shut him down instead of letting him contact you under the guise of friendship?

I suspect you would jump at the chance for romance and that's what your curiosity is based on. I also suspect if distance wasn't the issue, you wouldn't have to settle for this titillating friendship.

So just stop questioning HIS motives and actions, and question your own because from the outside looking in I think the curiosity excuse is flimsy, and you should stop the curiosity game before you start believing it yourself, if indeed you already have.

I don't think his flirting has any meaning myself, just online fun because its gone no where in 4 years, and has you too curious.

[Val_54]

Being sexually attracted and chemistry has nothing to do with really caring for someone. Maybe he thought he could keep chatting with you and now realizes he can't. You can be sexually attracted to someone you hardly know.

I hear what you are saying, what I mean is there has to be sexual attraction for a relationship to work, if he didn't feel that then there would have been no hope whatsoever. Yes, but that is my point, why can he not chat with me, its gone full circle now! If he felt nothing for me then surely it wouldn't have been a problem and I know for a fact he has one female friend who he has been friends with for a very long, so does that mean he cannot talk to her either?