[zh11]

I have been married for little over a year now. My husband and I were together for about 2 years before we got married in which time we had some disagreements and split up but got back together. He has a daughter and I have a son and daughter. We met through my job in passing. I knew when I met him that he was a very loud and proud kind of person with a bad attitude and I didn't really like him at first.

Once we got to know each other he opened up to me and I fell for him. He was so sweet and always paid attention to every detail of me. He would bring me food at work and candy and flowers. Well we got married and it seems as if he has completely changed. He gets up and goes to work and has to text me at least once an hour. If I don't text him back he thinks there is something wrong with me. If I go somewhere or do something with my sister or friends he gets real distant and acts like it bothers him but when I say something about it he says that he just misses me even though we see each other every single day.

I went to as needed at my job after we got married so that I could focus on finishing up school but every time that I go to work now, which isn't very often, he gets so ill and won't talk to me or will just give me one word answers. He says he don't trust the men that I work with but I reassure him all the time that I am not talking to the men and that they don't talk to me but he still gets so upset. I have not given him any reason at all not to trust me. But I know that his ex wife cheated on him.

As far as our children go, his daughter is the only grandchild and she is absolutely spoiled. Her grandparents buy her everything she wants. She isn't a bad kid. She is very quiet and usually just sits around the house playing on her phone or laptop. My children have very energetic personalities and (like most siblings) fight with one another. Their grandparents are not around so they don't get the special attention like my step-daughter does and they realize it and ask me why quite often. Any time that I mention it to him he manipulates the conversation to make it seem like I am trying to take away what his daughter has always had. He is constantly talking about how bad my daughter is how she don't listen to anything that anyone says and how she needs to learn to calm down. She is 6 years old and as far as I can tell from the kids in her class, she is one of the more calm and better behaved kids in the class but she is also more energetic, talkative, and clumsy than his child.

Any time that I mention anything that I don't like or how he is behaving he will turn it around on me and make me seem like a terrible person for mentioning anything and make himself seem like a martyr. He will say "well I didn't realize things were so awful." or "well why do you hate me?" Also his whole attitude is completely negative. He don't have one good thing to say about anyone or anything and I am the opposite, I see a good side to everything.

I know that I married him for who he was but it seems to have gotten so much worse the past year. I can't even go to the gym and run on the treadmill unless he is there without him getting bent out of shape. I don't know what to do or how to talk to him about it without him manipulating the conversation. I do love him but I feel like I am losing my mind!

Please help!

[Cat1864]

I am going to suggest marriage counseling. Having a neutral third party to mediate and keep the discussions on track may help.

I would suggest counseling for him to learn how to let the past go, but that suggestion might be better coming from a marriage counselor.

How much effort has been put into blending the family? Do you both try to involve all the children in family projects or outings?

Do the grandparents try to include your children or are they keeping a separation between the biological and step children? How accepting have they been of the relationship? Wondering if there might be some outside influence in his behavior. Is he being defensive with you because he is feeling attacked on all sides? I am not saying you are attacking him in any way, shape or form. This appears to be something he needs to work out for himself, but how you encourage him to do so without causing more upset is going to be a challenge.

Try looking into counseling. If he won't go, go for yourself. It might help you learn different ways of attempting to communicate with him and might lead to him joining in.

Good luck.

[zh11]

He don't believe in counseling. He says its all a bunch of garbage so he will never go.
His daughter is 13 and my children are 6 and 9. He says he is over the little kid stuff and that he don't entertain children so on his part there isn't very much effort put into family activities at all. Me and his daughter do things together all the time. My kids are just happy if we all eat dinner together but he hardly ever does, he usually eats on the couch in front of the TV.
His mother involves my children anytime that we ask her to, usually just picking them up from school. She has a beach house and takes her biological granddaughter all the time but has never took my children, but I don't think he wants her too. I have mentioned it to him and he always gets defensive and says that she wouldn't have room in her car for them all or some other excuse. His father is dead and his mother recently divorced so it is just her around. She is very accepting and we get along great.

I try to talk to him but he usually just don't want to talk. He is one of those ignore it and it goes away kind of men so we rarely ever talk. He will say that he has no complaints and if I do then he says he is sorry for being such a terrible husband and that I am sooooo unhappy.

I could try going to counseling on my own but I'm sure that would lead to huge issues with his strong belief against it.

[Cat1864]

Normally, I don't recommend talking to a spouse's parent(s) about marital issues, but this may be an exception to the rule. If you feel your relationship is strong enough, you might ask her if she would be willing to talk with you. She might have some advice or insight that might help you find a way to get him to work with you. I would not ask her to talk to him or intervene in any way. But she might be valuable support.

Another thought is writing him a letter detailing how you feel. Let him know you love him and do not want to lose him, but you also do not want to be pushed away. He has to decide if he wants to help build a healthy marriage and family or if he wants people existing in the same house. Going about their lives without him.

He needs to understand that you are not his ex. You are not going to cheat. However, you are not going to put up with him shoving all of his emotional baggage from his past onto your shoulders. He needs to deal with the past so that together you can build a better future as a loving and committed couple.

In the letter, put a card or phone number for a marriage counselor. He may get upset. He may not go. But you need help. You cannot build a healthy marriage and family without his participation. Frankly, you might as well be single if he is going to continue to sap energy and keep a separation between yours and his.

How was he around your children before you married?

[zh11]

I have talked to his mom some and she is the type of person that does what she wants to and doesn't care if it bothers anyone else. She never really cared or talked to her husband when she was married to him. So every time I tell her something that is bothering me she tells me to tell him to hush and do what I want.

I have thought of writing him a letter but he has said that his ex used to write him letters all the time and it would make him mad and he would sometimes just ball them up without reading them. I may just try to write one anyway.

The whole time we have been together I have been in school. I just graduated and am awaiting a job. He just quit his part time job and is now home on the weekends so I keep telling myself that once that we are not stretched so thin that things will get better but the past month they have proven different. It's almost as if he now has the energy to focus all his attention on controlling and manipulating me. There is also an age gap between us. I am 29 and he is 39.

Before we got married he was sweet to my kids. We went places and did things together. He watched movies with them and we all had a good time together. Now it's like he doesn't want to have anything to do with my kids. He wants to sleep in on the weekends (until about 11am) and doesn't want me to get out of the bed or them to make noise, just to stay in their rooms till he decides to get up. It drives me nuts!

[Cat1864]

I think I like your mother-in-law.

Would she be willing to take the children for a weekend so you can have a long and involved discussion with your husband?

What happens if you and the children (all of them) go about your lives and leave him to fend for himself? In other words, you put dinner on the table and set a place for him. If he wants to eat on the couch, he gets to fix his own plate or maybe his own food. On Saturday mornings, you and the children do what you want and ignore his presence. He complains, quote your mother-in-law, "Hush."

Has he made any threats (verbal or physical) to any of you?

I don't think the age difference is the problem. His attitude and expectations are. Unfortunately, you cannot make him get help. All you can do is decide what is best for you and the children.

I still think you need counseling for yourself if you are going to try to stay in this marriage.

Congratulations on graduating and good luck on the job.

[zh11]

She is a special woman. If I say that me and the kids are going somewhere or doing something he will go with us but he just complains the whole time. I usually get up on the weekends when I hear them get up and he knows to expect it. The kids go to their father's/ mother's house every other weekend so we have time to ourselves. I do love him and want to continue with our marriage but I just don't know how to go about having a conversation with him without making things seem so terrible.

[Cat1864]

I do love him and want to continue with our marriage but I just don't know how to go about having a conversation with him without making things seem so terrible.

That might be the place to start. You don't think things are so terrible, but you are concerned. You love him and want this marriage to last. You want to build a life together full of happy memories to pass on to your grandchildren in 50 years (If you are like me, you are in no rush to become a grandmother. :) ) You have so much hope and so many dreams for the future, but you need help building the foundation. Let him know you feel like he is letting the past influence the present. You cannot do enough to make him feel secure because security comes from inside the individual. So does insecurity. It is his choice as to which seed he wants to nourish.

Did he have a bad experience with counseling with his ex? Is there anyone he might consider neutral enough to mediate discussions between you?

I don't know if there is a good way to tell someone you feel like they are pushing you away or punishing you for someone else's misdeeds. If only he would look in the mirror and see how his behavior is affecting the family.

[zh11]

He is very much a "manly man" that doesn't discuss his feelings. I don't know if he had a bad experience with counseling or if he just don't like the idea of it or what. He has a very negative attitude towards anything dealing with thoughts, feelings, or emotions. I have been trying to wait it out until I have a new job and we get settled and have a normal kind of schedule to see if the stress on both of us eases and if it helps the situation any.

[zh11]

My husband and I have been married for about a year, dated a few years before that. We have sex almost every day. He says that it is his way of feeling close to me and a reassurance that everything between us is OK. So I normally make a point to have sex with him everyday even if I don't feel like it.

Well yesterday I told him that I needed a break for a day because I was a little sore. He went from being happy and joking around to mad and snappy and went to bed without saying good night or anything. And this is not the first time that it has happened.

When I tried to talk to him about it today he completely avoided the conversation. Let me also mention that all day long he will text me and he mentions my boobs or butt at least 8 times a day. We have other issues going on too but this really bothered me today.

[JudyKayTee]

I'd feel terrible. I'd also feel like I was being forced or harassed into having sex if I wasn't in the mood, just to keep him from being angry.

He is abusing you, whether you call it that or not.

I'd suggest talking to him, but I guess you've tried.

The contacts which kept mentioning my breasts and butt would get on my nerves really quickly.

Hope you are never injured or sick, because I suspect he will be out the door.

EDIT: I wish you had posted the entire story in one place - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...nd-752096.html. There is certainly more to this than you have posted here. Do what you've advised in your answers to other people. Talk to him, write him a letter explaining how you feel.

Sorry to disagree with a colleague I very much respect - but I don't like the "talk to his mother" advice. Going outside the marriage can really explode. I would not be happy if my husband discussed me and/or marital problems with someone else in the family.

[zh11]

There is so much to the story. I feel like I have nothing but complaints but things have gotten almost out of control lately and it's things that really bother me. I try to talk to him but each time he makes it seem like I am unhappy with him and our marriage. I just want him to listen maybe and try to see things my way but I don't know how to get around his pride.

[LearningAsIGo]

I suggest reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It sounds like you could both benefit from better communication and this book helps you see what his primary "love language" is as well as your own. It sounds like his is physical, while yours may not be. It's a start at least.

Based on the link Judy provided, he also sounds possessive, which is something you'll need to address before it gets out of control. I'm not sure if I'd label him as abusive just yet, but he does sound manipulative. He would benefit from learning better communication. However, at his age and with his learned behavior, it might be difficult to achieve without professional intervention, such as couples counseling.

Good luck

[talaniman]

He is an unsympathetic uncaring brute, but you are a marshmallow. He is selfish and insecure and needs to be in charge, You are afraid to make waves and passive. That's the common theme of both your questions after they were merged. The honeymoon is over and the work begins.

This conflict is best resolved over time with honest communications that requires you to stand up and speak your mind whether he gets mad or not, and maybe you need to be mad yourself as you both have to establish the boundaries of good behavior between you.

Start by telling him you are not happy and have issues. If he won't talk, burn the toast. His whole manhood is wrapped up in you being a wimp so he doesn't have to talk or share.

Not trying to be harsh or judgmental and I know you are a happy positive person but you have allowed this behavior long enough. Change the way you deal with it. Proactive not passive. You are afraid to rock the boat even a little bit.

You should have told him to get over himself a long time ago. He didn't change, you are just getting to know him better. Well my dear, he should get to know and respect YOU TOO!

Takes time don't quit.

[zh11]

Sorry it has been so long since I have replied. Things have gotten better in some areas and worse in others. I am working a full time somewhat normal schedule now which seems to help some. He still wants me to talk to him via text 24/7 when we are not around each other. I had to work a little late one day and he looked my phone up via GPS "because he was worried".

His mother has a camper at the beach that we go to sometimes. She takes my step daughter frequently. Well this past weekend all 5 of us went and he seemed absolutely miserable the whole time. He would just sit and sulk while we were on the beach. And he was distant and seemed to have a short attitude the whole time. So the day before we left I asked what was wrong and he of course refused to answer. So I asked if I had made him mad since he wasn't looking at me or talking to me or anything. And he blew his top and started talking about how he had tried so hard not to fuss at my kids and that he didn't change the channel on TV just so that they would have a good time but that he was not having fun and didn't want to be there. I was taken back by that. My kids were not misbehaving. They were probably the best kids on the beach that week. So then I asked if they were the "shining stars" that he wanted them tobe if he would even care about them then since he don't seem to now (he don't hug them or speak to them unless he is correcting them). He had the audacity to tell me that when I stopped acting like he didn't like them, that he would start acting like he did like them. And that they are too young to need him as a role model (they are 10and 6). That hit me below the belt and I didn't know and still don't know how to respond to that.

Well he managed to manipulate that conversation around to make it seem like I am always finding something about him to complain about and that he don't nit pick me etc. He makes it sound like I should just let him do whatever and not say anything about it no matter how bad it bothers me. I just don't know what to do. It seems like his behaviors are never going to change, he is way too head strong and stuck in his ways.