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emopunk7 · May 28, 2013, 10:38 PM

Hello!! I hope everyone is fine. I am back with new news. I had been dating a new girl for the last 8 months. This is what happened... She was a woman from my high school days. She needed help studying so I helped and really liked her and she liked me in the process. She was living with someone and had a child. She kicked the father out for me. All was great until I stayed at her place for a month and a half helping her take care of her child while her mom left the country.

Well, I told you her mom was away so I agreed to help her take care of her son. This was 2 months after being official and 5 months after dating. I taught him how to ride a bike, I taught him chess, put him to bed, gave him milk and did his homework with him. I helped him read and I played with him and played basketball with him in the park. The boy is awesome and I would even take him to get haircuts with me.

The problem is that the mom stopped being so affectionate as soon as the boy was introduced to me. She got better with that but then the sexual drive dropped... like to once a week or once every 2 weeks. That's without any sexual touch or feeling of wanting me in between. That hurt. She says that it was because she felt depressed every month or so or it was her period or stress or too tired

You know that I wasn't too trusting. I learned from that and I felt I could really trust her so I never had a problem with her going out or anything...I would even go out alone too without any questions asked by her. We would send a text here and there while we were out so we both felt comfortable.

I liked that except one day she didn't text and got home at 6am but I knew she was with friends and all. At least I think I know. She says her phone was dead... ok fine... she was upset that I cared. She never cares what I do and there are no questions asked at all... then again like I said, I always made sure I text her saying I'm thinking of her or something so she never really had much to question or wonder.

She keeps pictures of her ex. I get that pictures of them together with the boy are fine. I'm reasonable... even pictures of the two of them together for the boy in the future but pictures of the guy alone? Like many of them and getting defensive when I asked about them?

This all began when in the beginning of our dating, she calls me to tell me that she is going camping and her friends want her ex to come along... she wanted to know what I would think... really? That got me annoyed because she is 27 and it should be common sense not to go with your ex for 3 nights camping while we are dating. Of course I will think something...

Then I saw a flyer because he sings and I asked her if she would go to those... she said sure to show him support... that also annoyed me because I want her to support me and if they are not together she doesn't need to be there chilling with him especially if I'm not around. This started it all... I wondered what else does she think is acceptable that clearly is not to me. She finally agreed that if it was not related to the son that she would keep distant... the fact that I convinced that decision bothered me.

She got annoyed by my questions and didn't want me asking anything. Like we would take him to school... suddenly when I was not around the father would take the boy to school. The mom lives like 2 blocks away... why would he suddenly want to drive so far to take the boy to school when the mom easily could and always did. I wondered but she simply said because he wanted to and he could and it is not weird. She would get money from him under the door or to the mother but then she went to his workplace to pick up the money... I wondered why and she got annoyed. He planned to put the boy on a baseball team which I had no idea about. I found out when the boy showed me his new gear. This annoyed me that I didn't know about anything. She also said that because she didn't want her ex's girlfriend to be around her son, she didn't want me at the games for a while until she became close to the girlfriend. Which means I couldn't go to the games and the three of them would spend family time together as if they are together while I'm left out of my wannabe family. After a long talk she changed it to accommodate me but it wasn't done out of her heart.

Bottom line, all questions were related to her ex and it somehow felt like everyday something new arose and lead me to ask another question of how she is going to deal with it... she kept getting annoyed and didn't want to answer. I even asked if she could at least let me know when they get into contact but nothing... she said that I am lucky she tells me anything and that I don't need to know anything. This confused me. She said the father is very inconsistent and that she has no answers because nothing is certain with him. But to me that is more of a reason to be communicative with me as nothing is consistent. Nothing was consistent with them. While I like her and we were great in the beginning, this all took a huge toll and she didn't want to answer and she didn't show she wanted me or anything. I felt like I was being taken for granted.

To me if I had a child and I had someone who was willing to be with me and my situation with an ex, I would willingly answer all of her questions and make her feel comfortable with the situation that she plans on investing her time in. I wouldn't care for my ex and I have nothing to hide so I would be an open book with her.

I know that's a lot but that's the whole relationship... can you shed some light as to what was happening and what was wrong and who was reasonable?

Your friend,

Emopunk4

joypulv · May 29, 2013, 01:53 AM

She's using you, plain and simple. Does she work, while you stay home watching her son? You are just a babysitter now, sorry.

Oliver2011 · May 29, 2013, 05:19 AM

Agreed and the boy is going to suffer as well when you leave the relationship.

Jake2008 · May 29, 2013, 06:58 AM

You are in a sad situation. While you become more and more attached to this little boy, and he you, the mother becomes more distant and disconnected from you.

It does sound like it is convenient for you to be around to help out.

But if you take her son out of the equation, you aren't left with much of a relationship with his mother.

The relationship itself went to fast, and in the wrong direction right off the bat. She kicked out her son's father, and you moved in to take his place. That alone should never have happened. For her to jump from the frying pan into the fire, especially with a young son to think about, was not fair to the son in my opinion.

As hard as it may be, it is time to arrange a serious talk with his woman. Without the child present. Start thinking about whether this is a good situation for you, and whether it is going anywhere, or it is likely to improve. It does not sound to me that she is interested in you, in the same way you are interested in her.

Fr_Chuck · May 29, 2013, 08:10 AM

I do not see this ending well at all. You need to consider the child, and move out of this, before you get more and more attached.

JudyKayTee · May 29, 2013, 08:19 AM

I agree - she is using you. The person who is going to be hurt most in this situation is the child. All of the adults should smarten up.

I am concerned about your previous history which you have previously posted as well as this line from this thread - "She was living with someone and had a child. She kicked the father out for me." This happened to you, and now you have been the cause of it happening to someone else. I find that surprising.

I think this relationship was doomed from day 1.

Act like an adult - both of you - and end it before this child is emotionally scarred for life.

emopunk7 · May 29, 2013, 10:12 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I agree - she is using you. The person who is going to be hurt most in this situation is the child. All of the adults should smarten up.

I am concerned about your previous history which you have previously posted as well as this line from this thread - "She was living with someone and had a child. She kicked the father out for me." This happened to you, and now you have been the cause of it happening to someone else. I find that surprising.

I think this relationship was doomed from day 1.

Act like an adult - both of you - and end it before this child is emotionally scarred for life.

What happened to me? I don't recall someone throwing me out for another person.

Oliver2011 · May 29, 2013, 10:14 AM

Originally Posted by emopunk7

What happened to me? I don't recall someone throwing me out for another person.

Only she can answer that. Maybe she was looking for a babysitter. Maybe she is the type that jumps into a relationship and then after a couple of days falls out of infatuation with that person. Maybe you are spending time and giving so much attention to the kid that she feels like 2nd place. It could be 18,902.7 other reasons too.

Have you asked her?

talaniman · May 29, 2013, 10:47 AM

Hello my friend, been a while huh? Obviously this experiment is failing simply because too much, too fast, its going to crash and burn. You are a convenient rebound to a parent with unresolved issues with the ex. And as in the past you are putting your whole heart into it, yet have established no honest communications for whatever reasons. I suspect she isn't completely honest, so what do you expect in 8 months.

While you should be grateful for the good times and spending time with her son (always thought you would be a great dad someday), its time to back up, back off and not complicate her situation because she clearly has much baggage to unpack from her own past and that may take years.

Talaniman Rule- Never give your heart to a stranger that doesn't know what to do with it.

Talaniman Rule - Never give your heart to a stranger that has an ex in their life.

Talaniman Rule - Never give your heart to a stranger that just broke up.

Don't be bitter, but get the hell out of there. Yet again I refer you to my signature.

JudyKayTee · May 29, 2013, 01:40 PM

I don't have time right now to go through your past relationship woes. I was referring to how you felt when your girlfriend started dating either while with you or shortly thereafter.

emopunk7 · May 31, 2013, 08:46 AM

I totally agree. I am just down that she is not as interested anymore. It hurts because we were on the same page for the first two months. I feel like I ruined everything.

JudyKayTee · May 31, 2013, 09:01 AM

How do you think YOU ruined everything? Maybe she took advantage of you from day #1 and now it's just more apparent.

I see a lot more problems on her side than yours!

talaniman · May 31, 2013, 09:12 AM

You ruined nothing. You have no control over her thoughts, feelings, or actions. Just your own, and its natural to feel down, disappointed, and maybe depressed when an experiment fails, or a glitch or obstacle pops up. That's just the reality of life, and by now you know the drill.

emopunk7 · Jun 4, 2013, 12:09 AM

Thank you all for your responses! I had a very long talk with her. We both spoke of all the problems we were having. After the 5 hour talk, she suggested a break (not surprising). I told her that we will not take a break as I no longer believe in that. I told her nicely that we are clearly not good for each other as much as we wish we were. I let her know that a break up would be better suitable with what is happening. Tears came down, we agreed and it was over. I went back a few days later to say goodbye to her boy and her mom. Then I asked my ex if she was fine. She said yes and I noticed her ex's ring on her hand once again. Strange.

Oliver2011 · Jun 4, 2013, 04:48 AM

You did the right thing for you. In the end you will be a much happier person and that is what counts.

talaniman · Jun 4, 2013, 05:27 AM

You handled that just right.

emopunk7 · Jun 8, 2013, 06:24 AM

I just can't stop myself from questioning every detail of the relationship. Also, I am hard on myself and keep rethinking every situation. For example, as mentioned in my story, I wrote about her going out till 6 am (which is when she called... possibly after reading my text that said I was thinking of her) and it bothering me because she didn't text and I thought that was what we did. I asked her why she didn't call or text. She was upset that I didn't just want to see how she was. I did but I also thought we had that policy of texting or something while out. Not every hour but at least just to say hey, I'm having fun and I hope you are too. I guess something to not feel like they forgot about you. Maybe I am crazy but little things like that make me happy. But now I wish I didn't care. What bothers me now is that I keep thinking about situations like these and I feel that I ruined the relationship. Or like her seeing her ex whenever she wanted to without telling me. I trusted her and I never had thoughts of her cheating because she could do that anytime anyway. But I saw it as a sign of respect if she could just say hey this guy is coming to bring him clothes or I am going to go pick up the money from the guy. Even then she could still cheat so it wasn't about not trusting. Its just the principle I guess. It made the situation a bit more comfortable for me. But even then I feel like I shouldn't have cared and never mentioned anything. I should've let her do anything the way she wanted to. It wasn't like she was cheating.

talaniman · Jun 8, 2013, 07:00 AM

You sure presumed and assumed her style and principle were the same as yours and expected much. You also assumed her feelings were the same, and obviously they were not. That's an awful lot of yourself you invested in a stranger really fast before you got so deeply involved. You know the rules,

Talaniman Rule - NEVER give your heart to a stranger until they have proved the know what to do with it, and they deserve it.

But of course that's your style to go in faster than you should and getting disappointed yet again. Its not all your fault, she had a big play in this, so get beyond the guilt.

Basically my friend you do have to realize you both rushed into this without weighing the facts, or the risk, and starting ANY relationship is a risk, made greater when depending so much on feelings and not balanced by facts. I mean you BOTH jumped right in after she dumped her ex for you, so essentially she was already moving away from him when she met YOU.

Too much to fat and of course you crashed and burned by assuming a girl who dumps her BF for you was reading for a relationship with you. She thought so too, and made it easy while you both ignored the RED FLAGS.

Bottom line is don't hold onto those past mistakes, heal, learn, and do better next time.

joypulv · Jun 8, 2013, 07:42 AM

Now you just are a whirlwind of confusion.
'I ruined the relationship' and 'I am hard on myself' don't gibe with a woman who stays out until 6 am, never mind staying out without the least little communication to say she isn't face down in a ditch or mugged.
I THINK what is confusing you is that you complained (however harshly or gently) about such things and that maybe you shouldn't have done that.
I don't want to hear the fine details of how much you b*ched. I've heard enough - she parties and didn't care about you as much as you cared about her.
Stop kicking yourself. People are who they are.
It's a true miracle when two people can live together and get along.