[Wondergirl]

I guess I would be really nervous. But I can't predict the outcome. There is a chance that I could start crying but that might depend on the individual picture. Some pictures have less obvious answers than others and sometimes if there are multiple answers that might work but none of them are good then I would start crying.

All of them lend themselves to objective descriptive sentences. I would show you only three that would be as "unloaded" as possible..

Why would you be nervous?

[yttrium]

I don't know, I guess if it's totally objective then I don't have anything to worry about...
In part of the testing that the school did, there was this thing where you were given part of a sentence and you had to complete it under a time limit. There was one sentence with dialogue of 2 people talking and I could have filled it in with several different things that I was thinking of but none of them seemed quite right and they all felt like they would reveal something about me and I kept thinking there had to be a different answer that I hadn't thought of so I just said I can't do it. And it was the sort of test that had different levels so when you can't do something on one level they take you down one. So the previous level was just writing a sentence using 3 words they gave you and then I got to a question where I had a couple different things that I could've put but they all seemed wrong and there had to be a different answer so I started crying.

[Wondergirl]

Are you a perfectionist?

[yttrium]

Kind of I guess.. But this never happens with objective writing so it doesn't make sense that that's the only thing causing the problem.

[Wondergirl]

Kind of I guess.. But this never happens with objective writing so it doesn't make sense that that's the only thing causing the problem.

So you'd have no problem with my assignment of giving three sentences in a minute for each of the three pictures.

[Wondergirl]

but none of them seemed quite right and they all felt like they would reveal something about me

a couple different things that I could've put but they all seemed wrong and there had to be a different answer

Weren't those objective?

"reveal something about me" -- interesting.

[Zea]

Who would be the person that knows?

Ask your next psychologist/psychiatrist of course, or the same person who suggested EEG scan for you.

[yttrium]

Weren't those objective?

"reveal something about me" -- interesting.

When you say "interesting" I think you mean "that means you could actually be avoiding the whole creative-writing thing because you are afraid of your writing revealing something about you". Correct me if I'm wrong. But then why does art not feel like that? Why would I only be afraid of revealing things in words, but never art? None of my theories cover everything.

[Wondergirl]

why does art not feel like that?

Art DOES reveal a lot about you. I don't know why you don't think it does.

[yttrium]

I know art reveals things about me, I just don't feel bad revealing them like with words. Or maybe I know how to reveal the things with art in a way that feels right. Sometimes words feel wrong and they don't fit with anything. When writing a paper, even objectively, I obsess a lot about having the exact right set of words to say exactly what I want them to say. But with creative writing, there never is a right set of words. Anything I write is wrong. Sometimes someone else has already found the right set of words for me, and they're in a book or a poem. But still, if I write it, it doesn't feel true or right.

[Zea]

“-it doesn't feel true or right.”

Is this what makes you nervous?

So, if you can't express your true emotions then act as if that you are someone else, like Sherlock Holmes or anyone that come to your mind, can you then think of him/her as you, and act and talk normally, reveal your feelings (that person's feeling as if you were that person)? Can you do it without crying?

Can you read fictions, that talk about feeling and all that sort of stuff, without tearing-up?

[yttrium]

“-it doesn't feel true or right.”

Is this what makes you nervous?

So, if you can’t express your true emotions then act as if that you are someone else, like Sherlock Holmes or anyone that come to your mind, can you then think of him/her as you, and act and talk normally, reveal your feelings (that person’s feeling as if you were that person)? Can you do it without crying?

Can you read fictions, that talk about feeling and all that sort of stuff, without tearing-up?

Well that's kind of it, like I feel bad writing that because it would be wrong and I'd be lying to myself.

I have no problem reading things with feelings, I just have a problem expressing them myself.

Maybe I can try your idea to act as a different person in writing. It would be really hard though because I can't take away everything about me and just become that person, there would always be a little bit of me left. But that is an interesting idea because when I am speaking in front of a lot of people I'm usually very nervous. But when we were doing this play in English class and I was being a different character and all I had to do was say my lines I wasn't nervous at all.

(I wrote most of this about an hour ago and it seems incredibly stupid and wrong now. Everything I write becomes more horrible and wrong and untrue over time. I am resisting the urge to erase it and never think about it again. I am also trying very hard not to look at the writing above because I don't want to remember it. And I am also trying not to read any of my previous posts because they are horrible and wrong and untrue too. They might have had a little bit of feeling when I wrote them but that has gotten much worse over time, to the point of being unbearable and I have to type fast and not think or re-read any of my sentences, even the ones I wrote less than a minute ago because then I will feel like deleting them. When I think about it it's actually pretty hard to write this stuff but I try to avoid thinking about it because that could result in thinking about what I wrote.)

[Zea]

“Well that's kind of it, like I feel bad writing that because it would be wrong and I'd be lying to myself.”

I think you are having internal conflicts, to write or not to write, to say or not to say? But if you do it without thinking, then you will get it right (like you said). I think.

“Maybe I can try your idea to act as a different person in writing. It would be really hard though because I can't take away everything about me and just become that person, there would always be a little bit of me left. But that is an interesting idea because when I am speaking in front of a lot of people I'm usually very nervous. But when we were doing this play in English class and I was being a different character and all I had to do was say my lines I wasn't nervous at all.”

I was not suggesting that you pretend like you are someone you are not for the rest of your life. I just thought it could be a great head start.

“I wrote most of this about an hour ago and it seems incredibly stupid and wrong now. Everything I write becomes more horrible and wrong and untrue over time. I am resisting the urge to erase it and never think about it again.”

Everything you said so far sounds perfectly logical to me, when considering what you are going through; inner conflicts? Your mind tells you it is wrong/not you the more you think about it. Also, you can't control it, I believe. If I am correct, then maybe you should let your next psychologist (?) know about it.
I am not suggesting that inner conflicts (IF that is what you have) is the problem. This is just another possibility.

[yttrium]

I'm conflicted because I want to write this so you can understand me and help me but I have to do that quickly or else it becomes untrue before I can even write it down which is what usually happens with the more creative / emotional writing.

The process of becoming untrue is kind of like radioactivity. Some elements decay so quickly you can barely keep them in a particle reactor long enough to know they're there, some elements decay so slowly that they actually seem to be stable.

[Wondergirl]

I'm conflicted because I want to write this so you can understand me and help me but I have to do that quickly or else it becomes untrue before I can even write it down which is what usually happens with the more creative / emotional writing.

The process of becoming untrue is kind of like radioactivity. Some elements decay so quickly you can barely keep them in a particle reactor long enough to know they're there, some elements decay so slowly that they actually seem to be stable.

You're trying to rationalize.

Pressure to perform (write) -> stress -> fear of loss of control -> crying in frustration

[yttrium]

Pressure to write > Trying to write > Everything wrong > Crying because ? I don't know why. It's not frustration or fear, I've cried because of frustration and fear and that's a different kind of crying. This kind of crying starts soft and slow at first but if I keep trying to write it results in hyperventilating and feeling like my throat is constricted.
I can't describe the emotions I have when I'm crying because I don't have any words for what that is. Not even words that are partially wrong.

[Wondergirl]

Pressure to write > Trying to write > Everything wrong > Crying because ? I don't know why. It's not frustration or fear, I've cried because of frustration and fear and that's a different kind of crying. This kind of crying starts soft and slow at first but if I keep trying to write it results in hyperventilating and feeling like my throat is constricted.

Art is using your brain and hands/fingers and imagination -- so what is different about art from writing? Have you ever been told what to draw or paint, or is that always your choice?

If you were told your assignment is to draw a cabin in the forest and surround it with wildlife, but had only 45 minutes to do it, how would you feel? Could you do it?

[yttrium]

I could do any art assignment with a time limit, no problem. I like art class - I had 2 years of art in junior high, now I'm going to have a freehand drawing class this year, and then I'm going to the art academy at my high school. But I also enjoy doodling random things on the margins of my homework assignments and drawing whatever I feel like.

Words are difficult to put together because they are limited in number and meaning and you have to rely on grammar and syntax. Art isn't composed of small pieces of color that all artists have to use according to a set of rules.You can take any color, any material, anything at all and make art with it. If it doesn't seem right, you can change it until it does in whatever way you want, and eventually it will be right and true. But if I can't find a word that means what I want it to mean, I can't just change a few letters and say it means something else.

[Wondergirl]

Words are difficult to put together because they are limited in number and meaning

Nope.

and you have to rely on grammar and syntax.

And there are huge possible variations.

I can't just change a few letters and say it means something else.

Yes, you can. I do it all the time.

[yttrium]

I can't manipulate words to make them say what I mean. I know other people can, but whenever I try to say something - especially something with feeling - I only get an approximation of the real meaning. And as soon as that approximation is written down, the real meaning separates itself from the words and the words drift away into nothing and decay, and everything I write becomes empty and wrong.