[kathmonica]

Hello. I am new to this and am hoping someone can help me PLEASE!

I have 5 grown up girls, sadly due to a very bad marriage which gave me mental health issues they didn't have a very happy childhood all the time. I divorced 28 years ago and the relationship with my girls was great. 11 years ago they all decided that I had been a bad mother and now have nothing to do with me at all. One daughter kept in touch but has now decided that she doesn't want anything to do with me either.

Over the years I have done everything in my power to make up for their poor childhood and always been there for them in every way. I have tried to contact them but they only get in touch when they need me, I don't hear from them on my birthday, Xmas or more hurtfully, Mothers Day.

It is hurting me so much that I can't think of anything else. I would be very grateful if you could help me.

[Fr_Chuck]

You can not "make up" for bad choices years ago. You can move on and try to be a better person. Without knowing what you did as a mother, but to be honest, if all 5 want nothing to do with you, there had to be a real issue in your life at that time.

You need perhaps counseling, since there is nothing you can do, NOW, that willl make them want a rlationship, they may or may not latter, but that is up to them, you have no control

[joypulv]

We have no clue what THEY are feeling and thinking, and what their reasons are for no contact with you, so we can't really give much advice past what Fr Chuck said.

I have to agree that if all 5 won't talk with you, something must be very wrong. Maybe you can have some insight talking about it here? It might be something as simple as complaining too much when they did communicate? After all, they were happy with you when at home when younger.

[kathmonica]

I was never a bad person! I feel offended that you think so. I said I was very ill with depression and anxiety due to a husband who both physically and mentally abused me throughout my marriage. I am 67 now and in those days women got no help what so ever so I had to stick it out until my girls grew up. He did say if I divorced him he would take my girls off me one by one! My daughters have nothing to do with their father either. My 3 grown up grandsons visit and say they just can’t understand their mother’s treatment of me.

[Wondergirl]

I strongly suggest you find a good counselor to talk through this with. The counselor will very probably want to call/meet (somehow communicate) with one or more of your daughters to get their side of things, and then will do whatever possible to heal the wounds and the rift that has developed. You will learn new ideas on how to possibly cross that bridge back into their lives.

[joypulv]

Who said you were a bad person?
You came here asking for help, but have provided not one clue about WHY all this happened. Now you are all upset over our remarks (or just mine, or just Fr Chuck's, not clear).
I'm going to be blunt: Based on your response, I am seeing a reason for all 5 daughters bowing out. You fly off the handle easily.

[mogrann]

I was in an abusive marriage and lost custody of my children due to it. They were adopted and later on contacted me. Out of 4 children I have one that somewhat keeps in contact with me. The others want nothing to do with me.
What I know about my situation and I can say I think I see similarities in our situations:
1. I have been diagnosed with numerous mental health conditions
2. My kids were hurt emotionally and mentally by seeing and hearing the abuse. By the way if you think they never knew you are sadly wrong.
3. I was supposed to protect them and give them a loving home. It was my responsibility for staying, and not getting out no matter what society said
4. I am hurt and feel immense guilt but feel it is deserved as I failed my children. I can not give them back a good childhood as I should have. All I can do now is try to be a good person and hope they come around to give me a chance. It is their choice though I can not make them.

I agree counseling is in order but you must realize how your children are feeling. Their childhood was impacted by living in an abusive home. I am not saying they were abused but they witnessed it and felt the fear, anxiety etc. Look at how they are feeling.

[joypulv]

Excellent, heartfelt response, mogrann.
I am too negatively wrapped up in this to comment further.

[kathmonica]

I am glad you don't want reply any more,you have totally missunderstood me( JOYPULV.)

[Wondergirl]

Let's talk about what you can do about this.

[tickle]

I am glad you dont want reply any more,you have totally missunderstood me( JOYPULV.)

So actually know nothing about you probably why we 'totally misunderstand you'.

I read your post when it first came on but was reluctant to answer as I thought there was more to your story then you posted. Joy was quite brave to offer her comments which you immediately resented. I would think you owe her an apology. We are all volunteers here.

My two cents, if you want help, tell us the whole story, not just your illness, but if all your daughters feel the same way towards you then there has to be a monumentous reason why.

So pick up your socks and let it all out.

[kathmonica]

I find it hard to write everything down,wasn't my first post clear? Perhaps you could help me with that please?. sorry joy

[tickle]

Hi Kath, just think you have more to say about this terrible predicament and more information would give you better input, if not, well you will probably hear from more members.

[kathmonica]

I really don't know what has gone wrong,if they think nothing of me why do they come to me when they need help?
One daughter came to stay with me for a few weeks when she got divorced and was suffering very badly with anxiety... she told me how much she loved me.we got on really well and with a lot of love and hugs she got better and went home,bit by bit she stopped coming to see me.now she won't even answer my text messages to her.
One daughter did say all she can remember was that I was ill all the time!

[talaniman]

Be grateful you have your grand children in your life and build happiness from there as it seems as you have and are suffering, so are your daughters.

They have watched you suffer for years, and seen you not get the proper help, and are emulating you in the same way. You couldn't get help back then, do so now, so maybe you can help them better, as you help yourself. At the least you may better understand what's going on NOW with you, and your daughters, because help is out there.

At this time I wouldn't push THEM for more time, nor involve your grand kids in adult affairs. But it is time I feel to push yourself for your own healing and coping.

[JudyKayTee]

I realize you didn't like "Joy's" response - and you probably aren't going to like mine. I had a very unsettled (for lack of a better word) childhood. I have made my decisions and pathway in life based a lot on my childhood.

Specifically concerning this - "My 3 grown up grandsons visit and say they just can’t understand their mother’s treatment of me" - were I your child I would be furious that you discussed me with my children. These children were not there when your children were children (obviously) and your recall of family history may not be correct and may also not be their recollection of history.

I think you are shooting yourself in the foot trying to prove you are right rather than trying to solve the problem, find a solution, start at a neutral place.

What do you expect your Grandsons to say? "Yes, my Mom doesn't speak to you and you deserve it?" I'd be grateful that the Grandchldren are in touch - apparently they haven't been "poisoned" by your children.

[Wondergirl]

your recall of family history may not be correct and may also not be their recollection of history.

Excellent point, Judy! Memory is a dicey thing. My two sons and I often remember the same situation or event with three entirely different recalls and conclusions. It's like watching a rear-ender at a four-way stop. You see it differently if you are the pedestrian on a corner or if you are the one being rear-ended or if you are the person doing the rear-ending. Or it's like doing marital or family therapy, my supervisor once told me: You hear all sides of the story and then try to find some truth in all of it.

[JudyKayTee]

Ten out of Ten - yes, it's like watching a rear ender...

[ScottGem]

The thing that bothers me here is that after you divorced you had a "great" relationship with your daughters, then all of a sudden, 11 years ago, they stopped talking to you.

So I would go back to then and look for a clue. People don't suddenly change like that and having all your daughters decide to ignore you is unusual.

This is why the others think there is more to this story, then you either remember, or want to tell us. And, if there is, then you need to talk to a counselor who you can tell the whole story to.

[JudyKayTee]

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is very difficult to live with - both for you and for your caretaker. How active were you in your children's lives before the divorce? And after?

Does your family understand this is now considered to be a "real" physical problem, sometimes also emotional, and not a side issue caused by depression?