[zasky]

Ok, long story... so I will try to make it short. Looking for any opinions and/or advice. Brief history, been married for 17 yrs. Have three children, wife 41 years of age. My wife is a wonderful mom and wife, however, has the inability to stop drinking once she starts. In the past she had passed out in a parking lot prior to college football game while with her best friend Lori and twice my wife would be out drinking with friends and I would get a call from her friends around 11ish to stay she is too drunk to drive home so they would take care of her. This brings me to the current situation.

In Sept of 2011 (Sat Sept 10, 2011 and Sunday Sept 11, 2011), my wife had taken her best friend (Lori) out for a weekend birthday celebration to a football game, dinner, then bar... they also had a hotel room so they didn't have to drive home that evening. Prior to the evening starting my wife had posted on Facebook, "Getting ready to celebrate my bff birthday, anyone want to join us?" This guy named Jim (who works with my wife respond, "I might have to track you down later tonight...Just depends on how crazy I'm feeling". My wife then respond, "You can call or text me we will be at the Lodge Bar". The weekend went fine and I had no issues at that time at all.

In Nov of 2011 my wife found out she was pregnant with our third child even though we weren't planning on having any more children. Shortly after I found out my wife was pregnant I was at home and my wife was sleeping since she works 3 nights a week. My son was at a friend’s house and would usually text my wife when he needs picked up. My wife's phone was on the counter when the text icon went off. I checked the screen of the phone to see if my son was texting for a ride home when I saw a message from Lori to my wife stating, " Mike (Lori's) husband and I (Lori) had told your news to Bryan (Lori's neighbor which my wife knew from Lori) and Bryan wanted to let you know it might be his". I was confused and surprised to what this had meant, however, blew it off for the day... I checked my wife's text the following day since I was still wondering what the text meant and noted my wife had not responded since she didn't see the text as new, however, later in the day, Lori had sent another text to my wife stating, "Did you get the text that Bryan wanted me to send you". Later that night I checked my wife's phone to see if she responded and noted the texts from Lori had been deleted but nothing else. I don't suspect anything from Bryan at all, since Bryan's wife is also very good friends with Lori and her husband.

After seeing this I checked my wife's Facebook page and noted on Oct 4, 2011 (approx. 2 1/2 weeks after the birthday weekend) one of my wife's co-workers named Hope had posted a comment to my wife's Facebook stating my wife's name which meant pure in Greek, could it be an oxymoron? lol. My wife responded, OMG. Hope-I don't know what you’re talking about! Another co-worker of my wife's posted, "should look up Nicole (nickname they call my wife at work...long story), I'm sure it would say "drunken skank". My wife then responded I'll have you know Nicolle means, Queen...Queen Drunk that is with the co-worker stating "fair enough". Other co-workers posted, LOL over the drunken skank comment, etc.

During the month of Sept of 2011 my wife and I only had sex twice due to heavy work schedules and kids keeping us busy. When the due date was determined after the ultrasound, the conception date fell on Sept 11, 2011... -/+ 3 days. I can't recall us having sex the week prior and/or after, however, can't recall for sure. I never said anything to my wife since I just couldn't believe she could have had a one night stand! My child was born and I moved on, however, always in the back of my mind the text and Facebook postings truly bothered me.

I ran a text recovery tool on my wife's iTunes account to recover deleted texts from her backups...the text from Lori did not get pulled up, however, I was able to find a text from my wife to Lori around the time frame she could have responded stating, "OMG... that is hilarious" I went ahead and asked my wife about the items two weeks ago. The following is the events:

Asked my wife about the text and please explain. Wife responded recalled the text, however, didn't know what it meant, assumed it was a joke. Wife stated she couldn't recall her response, since it was 19 months ago.

Asked my wife about the Facebook postings regarding the drunken skank comment. Wife responded didn't recall that either, however, when I showed her the postings she stated her co-workers were making reference to her being drunk the weekend of Lori's birthday party and the skank comment is just how they talk to each other. In addition, my wife stated she didn't know what skank meant...even though my wife has two degrees. I advised my wife that I didn't believe she didn't know what skank meant and provided her the definition where she had no further comment.

I then asked in regards to the statement "OMG... Hope-I don't know what you’re taking about!" from the Facebook posting, my wife stated Hope was the posting girls name and my wife was just asking Hope what she was talking about, even though my wife put an "!" mark and not a question mark at the end of the sentence.

My wife offered for me to call Lori and asked what the text meant, however, I refused since my wife and Lori have been best friends for 25 yrs. and I knew Lori would not say anything that would get my wife in trouble. I also asked about Jim, stating, "What about Jim... you know his last name?” my wife stated she only knew two Jim's one which was my friend and then a guy she worked with. My wife then stated and "No I didn't cheat with him either!” I then asked if Jim was there that night. My wife asked what night? I stated the night of Lori's birthday bar outing. My wife replied no.

I expressed my concern with the amount of times we had sex in Sept of 2011 and the fact the approx. conception date for the baby was around Sept 11, 2011. My wife stated we had sex later in the week after the birthday weekend she spent with Lori. When I expressed additional concerns regarding the baby, my wife just about knocked my head off so I backed off.

I did call Lori a few days later since my wife kept offering to call for an explanation to the text, I asked Lori what the text meant, and Lori stated it was just a joke. I didn't quiz Lori any more than that since I knew it would do me no good.

I did check my wife's cell phone records and since Jim posted his cell number on his Facebook page, I didn't see his number in the call history for the 10th or 11th, and thereafter, although the Lodge is a known bar in the area and my wife had posted a photo of her on Facebook so she would be easy to find if one was looking for her. I know Lori was pretty drunk the night of the birthday outing since I saw text's to my wife, where Lori stated she would never get that drunk again since she spent the entire night in the bathroom throwing up.

The following day after I asked my wife for an explanation to the text and Facebook postings, my wife and I had another discussion regarding the situation. My wife was very angry I questioned her, although she stated I was justified I should have done it sooner. My wife then stated she was going to make me take a paternity test to prove the baby was mine, even though the day prior she was ready to tear my head off when I made a suggestion if the baby could be from someone else. I declined the test option since I saw this as a test of me to see if I believed her or not.

My question is: does this all sound odd and doesn't add up? Seems to many odd statements are being made two weeks after the weekend birthday outing (Facebook postings) and then the text sent after the news of the baby was put out there. I love the baby and see the similarities with my other two children in the face when the same age. The baby was born with darker hair and eyes, which don't really mean anything. It just seems odd my wife can't recall her response to the text, explain what the joke about it was, the drunken skank comment which she stated is how they speak to each other, etc. Any opinions would be appreciated. I told my wife I would accept her answer that nothing happened, however, everything just doesn't seem to add up here.

[teacherjenn4]

A paternity test will answer the question, but have you thought about what will happen if it isn't your child? Can you forgive her if it isn't yours?

[Wondergirl]

If I were you, I'd follow through on the DNA testing. If he's your son, then I would stop obsessing over the rest of what has been said and done.

[joypulv]

'I declined the test option since I saw this as a test of me to see if I believed her or not.'

You have to be kidding. Of course it's a test of you, and you deserve it.
You deem all this snooping and investigating to be 'just asking?'
No, it's 100% not believing, not trusting.

You are in too deep now. See what snooping has done? You lose no matter what you decide now. The whole family does.

[zasky]

'I declined the test option since I saw this as a test of me to see if I believed her or not.'

You have to be kidding. Of course it's a test of you, and you deserve it.
You deem all this snooping and investigating to be 'just asking?'
No, it's 100% not believing, not trusting.

You are in too deep now. See what snooping has done? You lose no matter what you decide now. The whole family does.

17yrs of marriage and I NEVER onced questioned her faithfulness, this is also why it took me 19 months to express my feelings since couldn't believe it to be true, but it was eating
Me alive. I think anyone in my position, would want some clereification if they saw comments made of their spouse being a drunken skank and comments via text that would suggest fooling around! If my marriage fails just due to this, then obliviously my marriage had other problems. I was pretty much damned if I do and damned if I don't in this situation. Thanks for your imput!

If I were you, I'd follow through on the DNA testing. If he's your son, then I would stop obsessing over the rest of what has been said and done.

Thanks

A paternity test will answer the question, but have you thought about what will happen if it isn't your child? Can you forgive her if it isn't yours?

Yes, I could forgive her for a drunken one night stand, we would have to discuss the drinking though and no longer being allowed to do unless I was present since she has demonstrated that she can't make sound decisions when drinking etc. I would raise the child as mine... child can't be blamed for the actions of others.

[teacherjenn4]

Yes, I could forgive her for a drunken one night stand, we would have to discuss the drinking though and no longer being allowed to do unless I was present since she has demonstrated that she can't make sound decisions when drinking etc. I would raise the child as mine...child can't be blamed for the actions of others.

Then, what exactly is the purpose of this post if you can forgive her and you would raise the child as your own? Just peace of mind, or?

[zasky]

Then, what exactly is the purpose of this post if you can forgive her and you would raise the child as your own? Just peace of mind, or?

Just wondering if I was somewhat justified in bringing these concerns to her attention or was I way off base on this?

[teacherjenn4]

Just wondering if I was somewhat justified in bringing these concerns to her attention or was I way off base on this?

Of course you are justified! I would have done it right after the baby was born.

[joypulv]

I get that you didn't like my response. My doom and gloom is what happens if a) if you don't get the test and agonize forever or b) get the test and your DNA doesn't match.

[zasky]

Of course you are justified! I would have done it right after the baby was born.

Thanks, I feel really bad for this situation and questioning her faithfulness. Part of me wished I never
Said anything, however, it was one of those things that stuck in my head. Bottom line wished I never saw that text which made me look into this. Thanks for your advice!

[teacherjenn4]

Thanks, I feel really bad for this situation and questioning her faithfulness. Part of me wished I never
said anything, however, it was one of those things that stuck in my head. Bottom line wished I never saw that text which made me look into this. Thanks for your advice!

Good luck. I hope you can keep your family intact.

[zasky]

I get that you didn't like my response. My doom and gloom is what happens if a) if you don't get the test and agonize forever or b) get the test and your DNA doesn't match.

No I truly appreciate your response and would rather have it put at me how you saw it vs. sugar coated.

[Jake2008]

Part of the problem here is as you stated, is the fact that once she starts drinking, she can't stop. You cited a few examples where clearly there is a pattern with her drinking and behaviour, that could (and may have) led to some serious consequences; far greater than her simply passing out and needing a ride home.

I suspect that you have lived with the aftermath of many more of these events with her, as well as your own fears when you are in a social situation with her; that has probably caused problems too.

A drunk always affects their partners, as the behaviour is unpredictable. On edge is likely how you are every time she hits the bars with her friend. In other words, this latest blow could have been something you at least wondered about, and the texts back up her wanting to meet with men.

You need to wake up and smell the coffee here. She has a serious problem with alcohol and alcohol related activities and consequences. That much you know already.

Take the paternity test and get it over with. Your snooping is not proof of anything and is only causing more problems; problems you were aware of before the one incident you focus on.

IF the child is yours, that solves nothing, only that you are going to be a father again, and bring a child into a relationship that has some serious problems.

IF the child is not yours, nothing much changes as far as the alcohol problem goes, only the consequences of the test proving you not the father, will now involve a whole other set of consequences, involving others.

Please consider fetal alcohol syndrome, and get some advice on how to proceed to protect this unborn baby.

Hiding your head in the sand and not addressing the issues in a way that could give you the truth (at least about who's baby it is) isn't helping you, or your wife, or your children to start figuring out how to start mending this giant rift in the family. (yes your other children are affected too).

Facing the truth about the partying and alcohol she does with her 'best friend' Lori, and getting to the problems with the booze, has to happen regardless of who the father of this baby is.

Finally, think of the baby that will be brought into this world, and without addressing the issues you've stated. The fact you have some serious doubts about your wife, her drinking, her behaviour and her friends, won't go away simply because there is another mouth to feed.

Marriages do survive many things. But only with the truth.

[joypulv]

No I truly appreciate your response and would rather have it put at me how you saw it vs. sugar coated.

I am guilty of snooping although lucky to not have such an important consequence. What bothered me wasn't even what sounded like a justification for it but a denial of it. Sort of 'just getting the facts' doesn't count.
But I have never had a spouse give birth 9 months after a possible one night stand.
All in all you sound like you will handle this in a good way, even if no way is an easy one.

[zasky]

Part of the problem here is as you stated, is the fact that once she starts drinking, she can't stop. You cited a few examples where clearly there is a pattern with her drinking and behaviour, that could (and may have) led to some serious consequences; far greater than her simply passing out and needing a ride home.

I suspect that you have lived with the aftermath of many more of these events with her, as well as your own fears when you are in a social situation with her; that has probably caused problems too.

A drunk always affects their partners, as the behaviour is unpredictable. On edge is likely how you are every time she hits the bars with her friend. In other words, this latest blow could have been something you at least wondered about, and the texts back up her wanting to meet with men.

You need to wake up and smell the coffee here. She has a serious problem with alcohol and alcohol related activities and consequences. That much you know already.

Take the paternity test and get it over with. Your snooping is not proof of anything and is only causing more problems; problems you were aware of before the one incident you focus on.

IF the child is yours, that solves nothing, only that you are going to be a father again, and bring a child into a relationship that has some serious problems.

IF the child is not yours, nothing much changes as far as the alcohol problem goes, only the consequences of the test proving you not the father, will now involve a whole other set of consequences, involving others.

Please consider fetal alcohol syndrome, and get some advice on how to proceed to protect this unborn baby.

Hiding your head in the sand and not addressing the issues in a way that could give you the truth (at least about who's baby it is) isn't helping you, or your wife, or your children to start figuring out how to start mending this giant rift in the family. (yes your other children are affected too).

Facing the truth about the partying and alcohol she does with her 'best friend' Lori, and getting to the problems with the booze, has to happen regardless of who the father of this baby is.

Finally, think of the baby that will be brought into this world, and without addressing the issues you've stated. The fact you have some serious doubts about your wife, her drinking, her behaviour and her friends, won't go away simply because there is another mouth to feed.

Marriages do survive many things. But only with the truth.

The drinking has been a problem in our marriage for years. I have tried talking to her about it but she gets very angry and defensive. The problem is whenever she goes out, she expects to get wasted. I actually get embarrassed when I'm out with her at times because she over does it. She only goes out with her friends a few hand full times a year, so this is what she claims to be her excuse for not having a drinking problem. Her parents have even questioned her drinking, however, they will ask how her drinking is going as they walk into the house with a 12 pack?

The baby was already born and while she was pregnant with all are kids she doesn't drink. It's funny but whenever she goes out with her friends she'll make comments on her Facebook page to the effect, getting ready go out, "still standing and upright".

I like to go out with the boys and drink but I surly don't expect and/or plan to get wasted... she does. I don't want to be the controlling husband here, and before she goes out with friends I make sure she realizes to not drink and drive, etc... although seems to do no good!

I am guilty of snooping although lucky to not have such an important consequence. What bothered me wasn't even what sounded like a justification for it but a denial of it. Sort of 'just getting the facts' doesn't count.
But I have never had a spouse give birth 9 months after a possible one night stand.
All in all you sound like you will handle this in a good way, even if no way is an easy one.

Yea, I knew going into this situation, no matter the outcome, I was going to lose in some fashion. Thanks again for your honest advice/input, I truly appreciate it!

[Fr_Chuck]

I will be more blunt, of course she had a one night stand, most likely she has had several, But it was considered before the drinking, since she invited this man to come.
I wold question, as to why she is going out drinking all the time without you ?
Most married couples don't.

Next sorrry but you are married to a drunk, and this is what you need to expect.

She is not trying to stop her behavior, so most likely ti will happen agaain.

[zasky]

i will be more blunt, of course she had a one night stand, most likely she has had several, But it was considered before the drinking, since she invited this man to come.
I wold question, as to why she is going out drinking all the time without you ?
Most married couples don't.

Next sorrry but you are married to a drunk, and this is what you need to expect.

she is not trying to stop her behavior, so most likely ti will happen agaain.

Good advice, thank u and I agree she doesn't seem to stop her behavior knowing how it bothers me.

[Cat1864]

I think you need to look into a group like Al-anon (Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups ). They are designed to give support to family members of "problem drinkers". She may not drink or get drunk every day, but her behavior when she goes out is not acceptable.

Yes, you should have had the DNA as soon as the child was born. If you are not the biological father, then the man who might be needs to be informed and tested. This goes beyond loving a child and raising it as your own. This is about genetics and knowing what genetically linked diseases and disorders might affect the child's future.

I highly suggest counseling to get through this. Plus, to be able to encourage your wife to get help before she drives while drunk with catastrophic consequences or she ends up disappearing because her drunk friends (or you) cannot babysit her every minute she is out.

This may seem harsh, but you tried so hard not to be a controlling husband that now your family is dealing with a major issue. It is time to be honest with your wife and stop accepting the 'It's my unwinding time' excuse for bad behavior. It is not controlling to expect your spouse to be have like an adult instead of a teenager at a college frat party.

If the only way she can unwind is by getting falling down drunk, then she needs to learn new coping skills. Perhaps, counseling on her own might be an idea. Because running away to hide in a bottle (no matter how infrequently those times may be) is not healthy. There is a difference between getting drunk and getting so wasted you are blacking out or passing out where your 'friends' dump you.

Please look into getting help.

[zasky]

I think you need to look into a group like Al-anon (Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups ). They are designed to give support to family members of "problem drinkers". She may not drink or get drunk every day, but her behavior when she goes out is not acceptable.

Yes, you should have had the DNA as soon as the child was born. If you are not the biological father, then the man who might be needs to be informed and tested. This goes beyond loving a child and raising it as your own. This is about genetics and knowing what genetically linked diseases and disorders might affect the child's future.

I highly suggest counseling to get through this. Plus, to be able to encourage your wife to get help before she drives while drunk with catastrophic consequences or she ends up disappearing because her drunk friends (or you) cannot babysit her every minute she is out.

This may seem harsh, but you tried so hard not to be a controlling husband that now your family is dealing with a major issue. It is time to be honest with your wife and stop accepting the 'It's my unwinding time' excuse for bad behavior. It is not controlling to expect your spouse to be have like an adult instead of a teenager at a college frat party.

If the only way she can unwind is by getting falling down drunk, then she needs to learn new coping skills. Perhaps, counseling on her own might be an idea. Because running away to hide in a bottle (no matter how infrequently those times may be) is not healthy. There is a difference between getting drunk and getting so wasted you are blacking out or passing out where your 'friends' dump you.

Please look into getting help.

Thanks for the advice. Back when I first presented all my concerns to my wife with the above, I mentioned marriage counseling, however, the other day I made a comment on scheduling marriage counseling and she stated, up until this event I never saw problems in the marriage. I still plan on doing it though since it probably is the only way to express my concerns/feelings without her getting angry at me.

[talaniman]

You are an enabler to your wife's bad drunken behavior and you need to educate YOURSELF to the correct way to deal with it. Google AL-ANON.

Then you wrote,

" Mike (Lori's) husband and I (Lori) had told your news to Bryan (Lori's neighbor which my wife knew from Lori) and Bryan wanted to let you know it might be his". I was confused and surprised to what this had meant, however, blew it off for the day... I checked my wife's text the following day since I was still wondering what the text meant and noted my wife had not responded since she didn't see the text as new, however, later in the day, Lori had sent another text to my wife stating, "Did you get the text that Bryan wanted me to send you". Later that night I checked my wife's phone to see if she responded and noted the texts from Lori had been deleted but nothing else. I don't suspect anything from Bryan at all, since Bryan's wife is also very good friends with Lori and her husband.

Get the test, and educate yourself to what drunks are capable of and do what's right whether she gets angry or not.