[Marie98]

“Sometimes the changes in mood-” Does this include anger? If yes, than it might be because of the emotional abuse, maybe it’s something else. I don’t know.
Do you get enough sleep? Sleeping is important for your memory. But I think that you still need to see a doctor.
“-everyone notices my depression.” Do you feel depressed, or it’s just what everyone says? Depression causes forgetfulness.
Forgetting things like after you walk into a room is VERY normal. It happens to everyone. Things that we remember in a second and forget in an instant happen because these information are stored in our short-term memory (For example, you walk into a room to get a pencil, and when you get there you forget for what reason). If it happens constantly then who knows.
Stress too causes forgetfulness. I would think all the pressure from home and school can be a problem, can be the reason for stress, if you have any.
Do you forget familiar faces? Events form the past? If no than, and let me just say that this is a probability only, I know that it can be anything else, your forgetfulness may be the cause of emotional abuse you had. If yes, you forget familiar faces and past events form years ago, than it’s anything else.
I made snap judgments here; NOTHING I said here should be considered as ‘for sure’ an answer to any of your questions. Only a doctor can tell you for sure.

You need to see a doctor somehow, if you have any questions than PLEASE ask US.

I do get angry at times, but I've never hurt anyone. I honestly don't think I am physically able to hurt anyone, though I've been wrong before. I've forgotten things about MYSELF momentarily and I can only remember a few things from the past, none of which are good. I honestly struggle remembering my own mother's birthday! I actually do feel depressed to the point I just want to sleep and hope I don't wake up. I sleep entirely too much, but I try not to.

[Marie98]

"I'm failing three of YOUR classes"? Do you think someone here is one of your teachers or is at your school?

Someone said you self harm. Do you?

It sounds like you need an adult to speak with, perhaps a teacher or clergyperson or friend - ? Is there anyone in your life who is like that?

I do self - harm, and I've actually been to a therapist for it, though no one in my family knows about it. Someone at my school told the principal about me and I ended up seeing a therapist once a week during a couple of classes.
The thing about self - harming, though is I would stop for a week, then start again for a couple of months. Then, I would stop for a month or two and end up self - harming again. A couple of friends know I do, and some of them have asked me to promise not to do it again, but I can never keep that promise.
I don't think therapy was enough, because I felt like I couldn't tell the truth. I don't exactly know why, but every time she would ask me if I thought about self - harming or suicidal thoughts, I sometimes lied and said that I haven't thought about it. She would ask me about my family and I don't think I ever said much, either.

[Wondergirl]

I do self - harm, and I've actually been to a therapist for it.

You write beautifully. How about when the urge to cut comes over you, grab some paper and a pen or sit down at your computer and write -- fiction, create a journal, or even post here. I've love to read more of your writing! Have you ever written short stories or autobiographical pieces?

[joypulv]

'She would ask me about my family and I don't think I ever said much, either.'

I asked you about your mother, and you didn't answer...

[Marie98]

You write beautifully. How about when the urge to cut comes over you, grab some paper and a pen or sit down at your computer and write -- fiction, create a journal, or even post here. I've love to read more of your writing! Have you ever written short stories or autobiographical pieces?

My therapist recommended the same thing. It never really helps and I go back to doing the same. I've tried everything I can think of, even tried drugs, but that was a long time ago and I've never done anything like that since.
My mind is restless, so I'm almost always reading, writing, drawing, or listening to music. But, those are just to draw some of the imagination out. If I don't at least draw for a long period, I constantly think and it makes concentrating much more difficult.

[Marie98]

'She would ask me about my family and I don't think I ever said much, either.'

I asked you about your mother, and you didn't answer...

I apologize, I didn't realize... My mother and I are somewhat close, though I don't get to see her much. In my mind she's just... there. I love her, of course, but she's hardly around. I don't know much about her and she doesn't know much about me.

[joypulv]

When did she and your dad divorce (if that's what happened - it's not clear)?
It's unusual to have a mother who is not involved in her child's life.

[JudyKayTee]

Marie, WG is right - you do express yourself beautifully, and amazingly so for your age!

Do you think you self harm because the physical pain takes away from the mental or emotional pain OR because you are punishing yourself for something? I know a self harmer, and that was her contribution.

She also said that self harming can change from a very bad habit to a sort of addiction. Promising to stop is like promising to stop using drugs. You need intervention, intervention handled by someone who understands.

You're obviously smart - you must know that no one can help you unless you tell the truth, are honest, open all the doors, so to speak, that you've closed to other people. Perhaps the therapist is not the right fit for you - ?

[Marie98]

When did she and your dad divorce (if that's what happened - it's not clear)?
It's unusual to have a mother who is not involved in her child's life.

My mother left when I was twelve and in the sixth grade. I went to school, came back, and she wasn't there. I hated her for it at first, because she never even said goodbye to me and my brother . Now, I think I understand a bit more and I can't hold something like that against her.

[Marie98]

Marie, WG is right - you do express yourself beautifully, and amazingly so for your age!

Do you think you self harm because the physical pain takes away from the mental or emotional pain OR because you are punishing yourself for something? I know a self harmer, and that was her contribution.

She also said that self harming can change from a very bad habit to a sort of addiction. Promising to stop is like promising to stop using drugs. You need intervention, intervention handled by someone who understands.

You're obviously smart - you must know that no one can help you unless you tell the truth, are honest, open all the doors, so to speak, that you've closed to other people. Perhaps the therapist is not the right fit for you - ?

Thank you both for the compliment, it really means a lot. I think the causes for myself - harming could be both. Something happened when I was six that I've never told anyone, and bad things continue to happen, though they're not as bad. I understand the only way anyone can help is if I'm completely honest and open about it, and I have been. I've been self - harming for about a year or two, but I know I can stop. It'll be a bit difficult, but I know I can do it.

[Wondergirl]

Thank you both for the compliment, it really means a lot. I think the causes for my self - harming could be both. Something happened when I was six that I've never told anyone, and bad things continue to happen, though they're not as bad. I understand the only way anyone can help is if I'm completely honest and open about it, and I have been. I've been self - harming for about a year or two, but I know I can stop. It'll be a bit difficult, but I know I can do it.

I also know you can stop. That's why I suggested replacing cutting with another (wholesome) activity. I like the art idea too.

How about if you break the ice and tell us what happened when you were six. You are anonymous here, and it might be the baby steps you need to take to help you open up to a real-life counselor. Typing those words might be what will help.

[JudyKayTee]

If anyone has the discipline to stop, I'll bet my money on you.

Yes, we are all anonymous here - if you posted you were going to do something terrible we couldn't find you to stop you. That's how anonymous we are.

And if sharing would help, please do - there's a lot of experience, both good and bad, on AMHD, a lot of very painful stories.

Some of us were subjected to some pretty bad stuff when we were kids - I was the adult victim of rape and lived with that "secret" for a long time.

Anything we can help you with?

I trust your Mom made a decision at that time in your life that she thought was the best decision given all of the options - and maybe that's not how it turned out in the end. How sad for you - terribly, terribly sad. I would have felt abandoned.

Anyway, anything that will help you face things?

[Marie98]

I also know you can stop. That's why I suggested replacing cutting with another (wholesome) activity. I like the art idea too.

How about if you break the ice and tell us what happened when you were six. You are anonymous here, and it might be the baby steps you need to take to help you open up to a real-life counselor. Typing those words might be what will help.

All right... I was molested when I was six, and again when I was ten. I was almost raped a few days after my 15th birthday. The only difference between when I was six and when I was ten is that I said something when I was ten, and it was taken care of. I never said anything when I was six hecause my cousin had the same thing happen to her by the same person. She told, but they didn't believe her.

[Wondergirl]

Thank you for opening the door. Was your molester when you were six a family friend or a relative? A different person from when you were ten?

[Marie98]

Thank you for opening the door. Was your molester when you were six a family friend or a relative? A different person from when you were ten?

When I was six, it was a now deceased relative. When I was ten, it was a family friend...

[Wondergirl]

And you were probably told not to tell, that this was a special secret.

[Marie98]

And you were probably told not to tell, that this was a special secret.

I was never told not to tell. He was drunk...

[joypulv]

And telling your mother just didn't feel like an option, I imagine.. And if that weren't enough, she just wasn't there one day...
I too am absolutely amazed at how well your write.
I also think that you really do need a therapist you can tell all this to. Sometimes opening up needs to be done gently and slowly and in a safe place.
Is there any chance of a free or sliding scale clinic near you?

[Marie98]

And telling your mother just didn't feel like an option, I imagine.. And if that weren't enough, she just wasn't there one day...
I too am absolutely amazed at how well your write.
I also think that you really do need a therapist you can tell all this to. Sometimes opening up needs to be done gently and slowly and in a safe place.
Is there any chance of a free or sliding scale clinic near you?

I've been through this with my dad and he says now isn't the time. The problem isn't money, its time. He's been so busy fixing things for my grandmother, and most of the time he doesn't have his vehicle...

[joypulv]

Somebody needs to convince him that you need therapy.. is there any public transportation? Any way you can be dropped off the school bus at a clinic a day a week?