[daniigirl]

My boyfriend and I have been together 18 months, over the past year several things have changed since February of 2012 he's grown less and less physical. He used to be very affectionate towards me, kissed me everyday, held my hand, held me in general, as time progressed, he would roll over as we went to bed and no longer cuddle me at night, this lead to him no longer holding my hand or pulling away when I reached for his, he no longer hugs or kisses me anymore until we leave each other for the week (we spend weekends together) even as we are reunited, he doesn't hug or kiss me. About the only time in our relationship he shows me any type of affection is when he wants to have sex. I am so hurt by this, I've tried to discuss it with him numerous times and it always ends the same, with him saying "this is just how I am". I don't buy it, he swears up and down he isn't seeing anyone else, that he still finds me just as attractive as he did when we first got together, but his actions prove otherwise. When we come together to have sex, he doesn't even take the time to see that I am fully satisfied, I have trouble finishing any other way besides oral sex and he will only go down on me for maybe 3 minutes and claim sufficient timing. I end up sexually frustrated every time. I don't know what to do anymore. Is my partner a lowsey lover or could this really be him? He was very loving and attentative when we first got together up until about 5-6months in.

[Wondergirl]

Has anything else changed?

[daniigirl]

In our relationship, yes. We dated for awhile before we got together and in February of 2012 I found out that I was pregnant. Neither of us were prepared for a baby and that was a pretty big adjustment, our son is 8 months old now and the turmoil from my pregnancy has subsided and is no longer an issue, he loves our son very much and is a wonderful father. He shows our son all the love, attention, and affection anyone could ever ask for, but when I say I need the same in a relationship, it's apparently not who he is. He told me at one point I need to change the things that make me happy and be happy for what he does give me. I am not a needy woman, I know the difference between having affection and wanting more and not having it at all and seeing an issue with that. Additionally, as far as having a baby goes, I've lost all my baby weight, and I only gain 25 to begin with, I weigh less now than I did before I got pregnant and I'm not and never have been a very big person. I'm not unattractive by any means, other men compliment me on a regular basis, not to toot my own horn, but to further prove my confusion with his behavior.

[Wondergirl]

it's apparently not who he is.

If it's not "who he is," why are you worried about your appearance and weight? Obviously, how you look is not the problem.

You said he was affectionate in the beginning, but that dropped off? When did you notice a change, i.e. what was going on at the same time in your relationship -- the pregnancy or what?

[daniigirl]

If it's not "who he is," why are you worried about your appearance and weight? Obviously, how you look is not the problem.

You said he was affectionate in the beginning, but that dropped off? When did you notice a change, i.e., what was going on at the same time in your relationship -- the pregnancy or what?

I included that part in there because I know guys have a tendency to not be very affectionate if a woman's appearance has drastically changed in the relationship, but yes, this all started happening when I found out that I was pregnant. And it was understandable during my pregnancy because he wasn't in a position where he wanted to be a father, but now that our son is here, and he's openly admitted he was wrong for ever feeling the way he did before, I don't understand how things haven't picked up and begun to be more affectionate. After I had my son and my doctor gave me the okay to have sex again, he wasn't even interested and we hadn't had sex in close to five months! The only reason we started having sex again is because I was fed up with there being no intimacy between us. And it was few and far between and when it did happen, he would skip foreplay all together and just try to have sex and it'd be far to painful on my end for it to even happen (nor could he even get it in because I wasn't turned on at all). After discussing that issue with him, he did begin to put more effort in to doing foreplay, but he no longer even seems to care if I finish or not and nowadays it's so predictable. If he rolls over and kisses me at night or holds me, I know it's only because he wants sex, I can't stress it enough that he doesn't touch me if it doesn't pertain to him having an erection.

[Wondergirl]

I included that part in there because I know guys have a tendency to not be very affectionate if a woman's appearance has drastically changed in the relationship

That's not really true, by the way.

Have you and he talked about going for couples counseling?

Does he seem committed to you, or you just happen to be living in the same house with his son so he puts up with you?

[daniigirl]

That's not really true, by the way.

Have you and he talked about going for couples counseling?

Does he seem committed to you, or you just happen to be living in the same house with his son so he puts up with you?

I've suggested counseling, he is not the type of person to discuss matters of our relationship with other people, doesn't even really like to discuss them with me. As far as living arrangements go, we don't even live together. Our son is with me full time, we live 30 miles apart and are both full time students. We were just kids when we had our son, we are still just kids, we're both in our 20s, but he acts like we've been married 25 years, he's so boring. I try to spice things up, suggest different things, try to be spontaneous and if its not him provoking it, it doesn't seem to be wanted or it results in him just diving right into sex and when he's finished leaving. I'm getting so fed up with it. I just don't get it, I've never been with a man who didn't want to touch me, who was content with us having sex once a month even though we only see each other 12 days a month.

[Wondergirl]

Then how about YOU going to for counseling (and be sure to tell him you will be doing this). Along the way, the counselor will probably invite him for a session or two. The counselor is bound by confidentiality, so will not be either judging you or talking about you to anyone.

Does your boyfriend pay child support? Have you two been to court about this?

[daniigirl]

Then how about YOU going to for counseling (and be sure to tell him you will be doing this). Along the way, the counselor will probably invite him for a session or two. The counselor is bound by confidentiality, so will not be either judging you or talking about you to anyone.

Does your boyfriend pay child support? Have you two been to court about this?

This is the most frustrating issue, I've been seeing numerous counselors for over a year now, and they've ALL invited him several times to come in, and he refuses to. One of the counselors I see even suggested a relationship class that would PAY US to attend, he wasn't interested. We haven't been going to court, he pays no child support, we split financial costs for our son 50/50, and leave it at that.

[Wondergirl]

This is the most frustrating issue, I've been seeing numerous counselors for over a year now

And what have they been telling you? (Why "numerous"?)

[daniigirl]

Several of them have said I should just cut my losses and leave, that I continue to wait for him to change and he shows no desire to even wanting to try, others have said I should try things differently, but I feel like no matter what I do, it makes no difference. If I stop initiating everything, he doesn't even notice, if I tell him how I feel, he doesn't even act bothered. I feel like I'm battling an uphill battle and I can't win. Sex is very important to me, I told him that before we became exclusive, sex is just as important to me as intimacy outside the bedroom. How am I supposed to know how my partner feels about me if he never shows me? He's not even one of those guys who TELLS me, he does nothing, and expects me to be content with it and comfortable with how things are. I saw numerous counselors through out my pregnancy because of my age, it was mandatory for me to talk to several counselors specializing in "teen pregnancy", I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant. Nowadays I see only one woman.

[talaniman]

You are having a communication breakdown with your long distance part time baby daddy. Not completely your fault, but while your attention is on intimacy, his is elsewhere.

I am willing to bet he is figuring out long term problems that he needs to address and your pleasure is lost in the mix. How long is this long distance stuff supposed to last and what's next in the plan besides commuting 12 days a month?

[daniigirl]

You are having a communication breakdown with your long distance part time baby daddy. Not completely your fault, but while your attention is on intimacy, his is elsewhere.

I am willing to bet he is figuring out long term problems that he needs to address and your pleasure is lost in the mix. How long is this long distance stuff supposed to last and what's next in the plan besides commuting 12 days a month?

I try to figure out ways for us to get a place and he's got a million reasons we can't, "it's not practical" "I'd have to drop out of school" "if I got a job, I'd never see our son" "we can't even go a weekend without fighting and you want to live together?", "I want to get a new car before we move in together"... to list a few, the communication is horrible between us, if I mention the words 'I' and 'feel' he needs to re-evaluate our relationship. He never thanks me for anything I do for him, never touches me unless its for his sole benefit.

[Wondergirl]

You call him your "partner," but it doesn't seem that is a very good description of him. You don't live together, you hardly ever see each other, you two are not on the same page regarding sex and intimacy, and he seems to be hanging around only because of the baby you had together.

Is there really a relationship? If so, describe it to me.

[daniigirl]

You call him your "partner," but it doesn't seem that is a very good description of him. You don't live together, you hardly ever see each other, you two are not on the same page regarding sex and intimacy, and he seems to be hanging around only because of the baby you had together.

Is there really a relationship? If so, describe it to me.

There's no relationship whatsoever and I don't know what to do, I really would like see things work out, but it's not going to if every issue I bring to the table to discuss is combatted with "we'll that's your problem, so.."

[Wondergirl]

There's no relationship whatsoever

And that takes us where?

[daniigirl]

And that takes us where?

That Takes us nowhere, but breaking up. But the whole point of this post is, is there anyway to make it work?

[CravenMorhead]

LDRs are hard to maintain. LDFWB are essentially FWB whenever you're in town.

Honestly what you're describing, and I skimmed most of the posts so I am not completely sure if it has been covered, sounds to be a Master/Pet relationship. Not a full out Dom/Sub relationship, but a "daddy wants me too..."

It really sounds like he is trying to milk any sort of sexuality from you by proxy. Having you sleep with a fellow, document it and send it to him. Almost like a Cuckolding fetish. Except that he might do the same thing to you. I doubt you will get the same rise watching him plow someone else that does watching you getting plowed.

I don't see this relationship lasting to be honest. The hardest part about any LDR is that they're a long ways away and other prospects come along locally. You'll end up drifting apart or you'll get different ideas of where this relationship should or should not be going. If you're willing to put the work in, it can work until you can meet up again. It is also looking like he doesn't have the will to do that. I say that because he's opening up the relationship.

I am a wide consumer of pornography. I follow a few sites and have plenty of amateur videos. I bring this up because a lot of this is labeled as 'ex-gf'. So these are for him, but when you break up, what is he going to do with them? Delete them? Unlikely. Keep them and spank off to them on occasion? More then likely. Share them online to these sites? Possibly. The digital world with the interwebs makes it a lot easier to transfer these things. It was hard to do a film, but a movie file. That can be spread and known before the end of the month, or even day.

Who knows you could win the "Beaver Hunt!" without even knowing it.

I honestly don't see this going any place good and I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship. I think you're throwing good money after bad because you've been together for 18 months, have a kid together, and you don't want to throw away that time or change the relationship he has with your son. I really want you to sit and think bluntly if this is where you want to go in life. I want you to explain this relationship to yourself and think if you bestie had come to you with this situation, what would you think?

I honestly think you need to cut your loses and leave the relationship. Make sure you get child support. Don't let him get away from that.

[Wondergirl]

That Takes us nowhere, but breaking up. But the whole point of this post is, is there anyway to make it work?

From all you have said, he has no interest in making a relationship work. He gets free and uncomplicated sex once in a while plus a baby to bounce on his knee. It seems like you have tried everything. ("You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.") I cannot think of anything else you can do. If I were you, I would take him to court to get child support and visitation set up and then move on with my life.

[daniigirl]

From all you have said, he has no interest in making a relationship work. He gets free and uncomplicated sex once in a while plus a baby to bounce on his knee. It seems like you have tried everything. ("You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.") I cannot think of anything else you can do. If I were you, I would take him to court to get child support and visitation set up and then move on with my life.

It pains me to think about, it really does, but it's something I may just have to suck up and do.