[Alty]

I don't want him to lose his family or not be able to see his children that's terrible. It won't happen again I'm so stupid I didn't know any of these laws I didn't think.

Adrian, if he did it to you, he'll do it to someone else. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me at all to find out that you aren't his first victim, and that's what you are, a victim.

It's not up to you what will happen. Just like you can't consent to sex, you also can't change the laws or the punishment for breaking those laws. He needs to be held accountable for his actions. What happens the next time he tries to do this to someone? What if that person doesn't consent? Do you think that would stop him? I don't.

What happens if he decides to do this to one of his kids? Men like this don't have boundaries, they need someone to be brave enough to put a stop to their actions.

This is not your fault, but... harshness alert... if you don't tell someone, if you don't say anything, and he does this to someone else, that would be your fault, just because you didn't do the right thing. You owe it not only to yourself, but to every other potential victim of this man, to do the right thing and report him.

[Alty]

I understand What your saying about the laws but I didn't say no I'm stupid
so it is my fault as well it can't be all his fault. I don't know why I did it but I did so I have to be at fault as well. It just seems so harsh for all the blame to be on him. I am nearly 16 I don't feel like I'm a child I just made a stupid choice I feel so stupid

Do you know why there are sexual consent laws? Those laws are in place because a long time ago adults, educated people, realized that children don't have the capacity to make good decisions. Your brain isn't done growing. That's a large part of the reason teens don't think things through, think they're invincible, don't think of the consequences of their actions. It's not because they're rebellious, or stupid, it's because their brains aren't mature enough to make good choices.

When that was determined those that are responsible for children, put laws in place to protect those children.

It doesn't matter that you said yes. You're not legally allowed to say yes.

He's an adult, his brain is mature enough to make rational decisions. He chose not to. He broke the law. You didn't, even though you consented, because according to the law, you can't consent.

You don't feel like a child, no teen does, they all think they know everything, and they all think they're so mature for their age. I remember feeling that way when I was a teen. I didn't know crap back then. But I thought I knew everything. I took a lot of risks, thinking that I was so smart, so mature. Looking back, I realize now that I didn't know a darn thing, and I was not at all ready to make some of the choices I made.

Bottom line, you're a child, he's an adult, he broke the law, and he needs to pay for that crime.

You need to tell your parents what happened, or a school teacher or counselor. But you need to tell someone that is mature enough to deal with this, and make sure that it never happens again. This is not your fault at all. He made his choice, now he has to live with the consequences. He's the one that broke the law, not you.

[ScottGem]

I wouldn't call it rape, I didn't say no to him. I know I should have but I didn't so it's not rape. I made a stupid choice it won't happen again. I'm gonna tell him it won't happen again

Honey, it IS rape. Doesn't matter that you didn't say no. You were under age and therefore you could not legally give your consent. He took advantage of you. You have to understand that, because he WILL do it again.

This was not your fault and you would not be at fault for breaking up his family. He did that we he decided to take advantage of you. What you need to do is prevent him from doing it again.

I understand What your saying about the laws but I didn't say no I'm stupid
so it is my fault as well it can't be all his fault. I don't know why I did it but I did so I have to be at fault as well. It just seems so harsh for all the blame to be on him. I am nearly 16 I don't feel like I'm a child I just made a stupid choice I feel so stupid

Stop thinking that way. I'm sure if you think back on it, he did things that flattered you, that convinced you to go ahead with it. That's what predators like him do. As Alty said, these age of consent laws were put into place because there are predators like him who know how to turn a girl's head and make you feel like you are responsible. You are not! And you have to understand this was not just a one time thing for him. The odds are very strong that he has done it before and even stronger that he will do it again. Do you want some other girl to feel the way you feel about it? You have to stop him!

[Alty]

I have to add. I know that it takes a lot of strength (not physical, but mental) to report something like this. It's scary, you're afraid that people will judge you, you're afraid you won't be believed, you're afraid of judgement. That's why most rape victims don't report the rape.

That's why you need to tell your parents, or an adult you trust. This is something a child shouldn't have to handle on her own.

You can do this. It won't be easy, I won't lie and say it will be. But it's the right thing to do, not only for yourself, but for any other victim he's had, or will have in the future.

[dontknownuthin]

Nobody is suggesting that you are a child like a 9 or 10 year old. You know what sex is and likely feel very much like an adult.

However, we don't in most civilized nations, permit adults to have sex with minors (exact age varies by jurisdiction) because there is an imbalance of power and authority, experience and emotional development between a grown adult and a child or teenager.

In your case, you thought you were getting a ride home from an employer. You probably enjoyed speaking to him and it's even understandable if you were attracted to him, or even if you enjoyed the sexual interaction with him. It still doesn't mean that you were equally responsible for the interaction, or even responsible for it at all. I know that's confusing but the reason is something called coercion.

People can be coerced into doing things that, if asked about outside of that situation, they would be quite certain they would never do. In this situation, for example, a man might make you feel like he alone sees you as a mature woman, whereas others treat you like a kid. Maybe he seems more in tune to your feelings and thoughts than other adults, for example your parents or teachers. He may put you in a situation in which you feel like it would be almost "childish" for you to resist - you want to be the person he is treating you like.

You should know that in most cases of sexual abuse of teens by adults, the teen thinks they have "consented" because it was not a violent attack, and they cooperated. For example, here in America where I live, many young boys and teens who were sexually molested by priests did not fight back, did not tell anyone, and didn't avoid being in similar situations with their offenders again and again. Some of these "relationships" continued for years. But these boys and teens did NOT consent, they were manipulated and taken advantage of.

For this reason, in most Western nations, there is the concept of "age of consent". By this legal idea, you cannot "consent" to things like sex, or sign legal contracts until you have reached that appropriate age of consent, as it is well known and accepted that having an adult body and thinking like an adult in many ways does not mean that a teenager has the emotional maturity, self-awareness or life experience to avoid manipulation by an older adult.

The other thing you need to understand is that you are not responsible for this man's wife or children. You are responsible for yourself, and your relationship with your parents. You should not keep such a secret from them. You are not "doing" anything to this man by telling the truth. We all have to live with the consequences of the truths we create, and keeping his secret is not only not your responsibility but is also unhealthy for his entire family.

His kids will have friends, and he will likely give them rides home. Do you want one day for him to drive his kid's friend home and do the same thing again? As for his wife, no wife wants to be the last to know that her husband is cheating. It's downright dangerous to be married to a cheater - god knows what he might expose her to if he has affairs regularly. He's also risking the family's financial and social future - he could do this to an intern at his office, the daughter of friends, his housekeeper and so on.

You have the total right to speak about your personal life experiences and when someone treats you in a way, or gets you involved in a situation, that you do not feel you can discuss with those closest to you, that alone is a grand manipulation. Do not permit this manipulation to occur. He put you in this situation, and to stop it you need to tell your parents it happened.

[JudyKayTee]

An important part of this thread which DID blame the victim, the OP, and to which I responded has been pulled. If she read that, well, of course she feels responsible.

[Adrian3102]

This is all becoming too much for me I'm so confused. I don't want it to happen to anyone else it made me feel so horrible but I can't tell anyone if I just speak to him tell it can't happen again it will be all right. This is all too much

[talaniman]

You still have to see his face whenever you babysit, and see his wife and smile in her face. And keep this from your parents, which is like lying.

While he is free to lie, and cheat, and traumatize another young girl. How is that all right? The right thing to do is seldom the easiest thing, which you have chosen and that's doing nothing. Maybe you are NOT his first victim, and its doubtful you will be the last.

[Alty]

This is all becoming to much for me I'm so confused. I don't want it to happen to anyone else it made me feel so horrible but I can't tell anyone if I just speak to him tell it can't happen again it will be alright. This is all to much

It is confusing. Talking to your parents will make it less confusing. Will they be upset? Yes they will. No one wants to find out that their child was taken advantage of, or that their child is sexually active. But that's the right thing to do.

You mentioned in another post that you don't consider yourself a child. Well, then don't act like one. Part of being mature, is accepting responsibility for things. In this case your responsibility isn't in what happened, but in making sure it never happens again, by reporting it.

There are things in life that you have to do, no matter how hard they are. This is one of those things.

[ScottGem]

This is all becoming to much for me I'm so confused. I don't want it to happen to anyone else it made me feel so horrible but I can't tell anyone if I just speak to him tell it can't happen again it will be alright. This is all to much

No it won't be all right. Maybe he will leave you alone, but there is nothing stopping him from going after someone else. I know this is a lot to handle. But you HAVE to talk to someone in authority. The police have people trained to deal with these situations.

[Adrian3102]

I'm scared to tell my parents what will they think of me they will hate me forever. It doesn't seem fair that I tell someone and he gets punished and not me. I don't know what to do it's all I can think about it's driving me mad I should have just said nothing forget about it. How would I even begin to tell someone. This is easy I don't have to look at anyone I can just write. I hate myself so much right now.

[Wondergirl]

I'm scared to tell my parents what will they think of me they will hate me forever. It dosn't seem fair that I tell someone and he gets punished and not me. I don't know what to do it's all I can think about it's driving me mad I should of just said nothing forget about it. How would I even begin to tell someone. This is easy I don't have to look at anyone I can just write. I hate myself so much right now.

That's what he hopes will happen, so you are still in his trap.

He's going to do it again to another young teen girl. Don't you want to save her from this?

[ScottGem]

I'm scared to tell my parents what will they think of me they will hate me forever. It dosn't seem fair that I tell someone and he gets punished and not me. I don't know what to do it's all I can think about it's driving me mad I should of just said nothing forget about it. How would I even begin to tell someone. This is easy I don't have to look at anyone I can just write.

You really think your parents will hate you and not him? Your parents love you. They may be angry with you or disappointed in you, but they will not hate you. The more likely scenario is that they will focus their anger on him. Look at the reaction you have gotten from strangers. Have we come down on you for this? NO! All of us have come down on HIM! We don't blame you, we blame him because he is a predator. That's what you have to understand. HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU!

Show your parents this thread and tell them you started it. That's how you can tell them without saying anything.

I hate myself so much right now.

This is what concerns us. We understand how hard this is on you, but you need to get help in dealing with this. You need professional counseling to help convince you, that this wasn't your fault.

Please Adrian, show this thread to your parents.

[Cat1864]

I'm scared to tell my parents what will they think of me they will hate me forever. It dosn't seem fair that I tell someone and he gets punished and not me. I don't know what to do it's all I can think about it's driving me mad I should of just said nothing forget about it. How would I even begin to tell someone. This is easy I don't have to look at anyone I can just write. I hate myself so much right now.

Adrian, is it right that you should be punished for his transgressions and he goes unpunished? That is what is happening now. You are punishing yourself and he is getting away with it.

Punishing yourself is a downward spiral. You need to get help before negative thoughts become negative actions. You need someone to help you understand that he was probably seducing you for a lot longer than one night.

I am a mother of a daughter. If you were mine, I would still give you the same advice and every bit of support and love I could.

What scares me is that you won't tell anyone because you feel ashamed and scared and he will use that to coerce you into continuing a relationship with him. At this moment you are vulnerable and I am afraid he will take advantage of it.

Please, for your own safety, tell someone you trust.

[JudyKayTee]

I think Cat addressed very well what could happen in the future. He now has the ability to blackmail you. Either comply with what he wants or he'll tell (his wife, your parents, someone else). What will you do in that situation?

I work in the legal system. I've seen very similar situations where the next thing the man wants is nude or semi-nude photos. The girl agrees because she doesn't want him to "tell." Guess where it goes from there?

Do you have younger sisters, cousins? I'm sure you have friends. You can save them from this man.

Wjy do you think your parents will hate you? Those are very strong words. And, yes, as Scott said, they might be disappointed. On the other hand if they understand how men "groom" girls, they will understand.

Was this your first intercourse?

There are also the usual problems with sex - pregnancy (I'm not sure how long ago this happened) and, if he's a cheater, disease. Perhaps you would be comfortable talking to a Doctor and having the Doctor meet with you and your parents?

You need to forgive yourself and telling someone is step number one.

[Adrian3102]

I'm just so confused right now, it's too much pressure to tell someone. He wouldn't blackmail me he wouldn't.I would never take nude pictures. Ive never had sex before this was my first time I am a bit worried but I'll deal with it.I'm just worried about my parents I hear them talk about kids my age and what they say they made me start babysitting so I would keep out of trouble. They will be so mad I know it. I don't want to do this

[JudyKayTee]

You are unrealistic - he took sexual advantage of you but you KNOW he wouldn't blackmail you. - ?

[Alty]

I'm just so confused right now, it's to much pressure to tell someone. He wouldn't blackmail me he wouldn't.I would never take nude pictures. Ive never had sex before this was my first time I am a bit worried but I'll deal with it.I'm just worried about my parents I hear them talk about kids my age and what they say they made me start babysitting so I would keep out of trouble. They will be so mad I know it. I don't want to do this

The person your parents will be most mad at is him.

How do you know he won't blackmail you? He took advantage of a child, blackmail is not nearly as big a deal as what he's already done. I don't think it would be something he'd even have to think about, he'd have no problem doing it.

Adrian, your parents will love you no matter what. This is not your fault, and they'll understand that, because they're adults. He's the one to blame for this, not you.

What happens if you become pregnant, or get an STD from this man? It's very possible.

Scott's idea is great. Show your parents this thread, let them read everything you've written, and the advice we've all given. That way you don't have to look in their eyes, and they'll have time to digest what happened, read what others think, and go from there.

Your parents love you unconditionally. Let them read this thread.

[JudyKayTee]

I asked when this was - is pregnancy ruled out? An STD? If he cheats with the babysitter I guarantee she's not the first one he's cheated with.

Please - think of the next person he's going to assault!

And if he brags, confesses, anything in between the parents are going to hear about this from a third party, and THAT will be devastating.

[ScottGem]

I'll add another point, if this was your first time, all the more reason your parents will not hate you. That makes it even clearer that he used you and took advantage of you.

And please don't think he won't use this against you. I can't understand how you can think that. You started this off wondering how to tell him it won't happen again. So you were already concerned that he might try. And your saying you would never take nude pictures. But I'll bet that before this happened you would have said that you would never "sleep" with him.

Maybe he never tries with you again. Maybe he is just into virgins and now that you aren't, he's no longer interested in you. But that just means he will turn to someone else. This man is sick. He has a compulsion and WILL do this again. You need to stop him.