[Jammin0007]

So this is a long story, I shall try and shorten it as much as possible. Thank you to those who took time out to read and answer.

So I was travelling, and ended up flying to a country and my friend introduced me to this girl who would show me around. I met her had a great time with her and her family and then she had to move back to go to uni (she was studying in another country and just back visiting her family at the time I was there). We hit it off and she wanted me to go with her so she purchased flights for me costing around $2000 (after knowing her for 2 days!). I spent time with her then went home. She was really into me but at the time I was not looking for a relationship. Anyway she then flew and met me in Europe and then back to the UK to visit where I live.

We had a good time and she wanted to come and move to the UK to be with me. She was in love with me at this point. I was not sure at that point what I wanted, I did not want to hurt her by getting her to change her life for me without me being sure, and this was all moving too fast so I was honest from the start. She said she will wait for me to make my mind up. This was around July. We were in touch but soon it came to October and she was still waiting. We were in touch through this time, we talked and skyped a lot.

She then called me and said she met someone that likes her but she doesn’t know what to do as she wants to be with me. I couldn’t commit at the time still. So I told her to do what she felt was right, come December I know I’m madly in love with her and miss her like crazy (I would like to point I stayed loyal). So I get in touch and she says she still likes me but is with someone now. I tell her I want to try and buy her a ticket to visit so we can be together. She accepted. Then the next day refused and I never heard from her for 2 weeks. She at this point went back to her home country as she finished uni. I decided to be romantic and fly 12 hours and see her to tell her I’m sorry for hurting her and that I love her. I told her 2 days before I came. I got there and found out the guy she has been seeing has followed her and is in her country with her! That killed me. We still spent the week together and she did sleep with me while she was with him.

After the week ended I got home things started getting even more complicated. She would call says she can’t stop thinking about me, we always speak for hours, then the day after would say it can’t work and to not contact her again. Then we would go for a month without speaking and she would get in touch again saying she misses, speak for hours then she would go cold turkey on me again! She did this 3 times from Jan/march. She then tells me that he got her a ticket to Europe as his visa was expiring and had to leave and wanted her to go with him. And she said that she is thinking of coming to see me after. I felt like second best, I said if she wants to see me to come to me and forget him. SIMPLE. She said she can’t, maybe because the guy dropped everything for her and moved right away she felt like she couldn’t let him down? I don’t know. I spoke to some girlfriends and they said they would do the same, because he has done so much that even if she cares for me she probably isn’t in a position to hurt him. I think if she really cared she would have done the right thing.

Anyway now she is in Europe with him. She has been in contact every few weeks saying the same thing that she misses etc. Then the day after she would blank me and say it can’t work. The last time she did it I told her it was enough, that she has done too much damage and that if she didn’t do anything about it I will never take her back, this was 3 weeks ago. She replied the next day saying she can't so I ignored the message and I deleted her number all images etc. and decided to move on. Haven’t spoken to her since. I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to the gym, working hard and learning a new language to keep busy. I have also stopped smoking weed which was not helping. I went through such a hard time, never been so depressed, it made me blind to what she was doing. Still didn’t stop my feelings towards though.

I am feeling sooo much better, I still do care for her a little and I wish things didn’t turn out like this. I guess that will go with time. I made my choice and she made hers. So anyway, now in the last 2 weeks I realize that she has blocked and unblocked me on Facebook around 5 times!

Does this mean anything? I was thinking of just blocking her the next time she does that. I just want to know what this means out of curiosity. Should I block her?

Someone please advise, she is 24 and I’m 25.

Thanks.

[timhath90]

Sounds like she is trying not to hurt the guy she is with but is having a hard time to try to make up her mind whether she should leave him and possibly hurt him, or stay with him and keep him happy... for all you know, the guy she is with probably wants to be with her for sex and probably doesn't really love her

[Jammin0007]

Thanks for your opinion. I was thinking the same. But hey who stays with someone they don't want to be with? If I really cared for someone then I would do what would make me happier as a person. Especially if it means I could be with the person I care about.

[timhath90]

Exactly... you could also think of it as she put herself in an ultimatum: either hurt other guy and get with you or hurt you and stay with other guy

[Jammin0007]

So what do you think it means. All this constant unblocking and blocking? I told her how I felt. That 3 weeks ago I would have taken her back. But if at that point she didn't then I would never take her back again. I waited for months for her to make up her mind and she went to Europe with him where I believe they planned to stay for 3 months. They are still there. They went mid march. So basically I have been more than patient and I would never have done that with anyone else. Now she is blocking and unblocking me every 2-3 days. Shall I just block her so she gets the point. I still do care for her. But she's really been saying games stringing me along. It makes no difference to me when she blocks or unblocks me as I can't see anything anyway.

[joypulv]

My take on this as an old woman:
You are both very young and have far too much easy money for flying all over the place.

How do you 'stay loyal' to someone you kept brushing off, someone you don't even have? You simply didn't have someone else, that's all. How do you suddenly decide you are in love after being non-committal for months? That's not love. You knew her very little and in situations that hadn't even allowed for the tests that are required to call it love.

You waffled for months so of course she found someone else. You don't get to decide if and when a relationship turns serious. You don't get to say you have been 'more than patient.' Life does not get handed to you on a silver platter.

She likes you but not enough, sorry. Block, unblock, how would we know, and yes, you can call it games, or you can call it youthful uncertainty. You don't KNOW each other well enough to call it anything.

[Jammin0007]

I Appreciate your comments and understand where you come from. But I think your judging a bit too much. I was in a relationship for 4 years previously and then was single for the last three years of my life. Out of choice. Until I met her. I felt something which is why I flew half way around the world to tell her I loved her. I don't do this to everyone I meet! I had problems at home at the time she wanted to come move over. My mum was very ill and I had to look after her. I found it hard to commit. When I realised I want her in my life I was willing to do anything. You cannot say I have too much money. I saved that money and spent it without blinking an eye to go see her. I didn't expect too. It wasn't cheap.

The whole time she waited for me we were in contact and speaking. We wanted to get to know each other more still.

Maybe I should have mentioned this before. I do thank you for your input.

The reason I ask is because I am still in love with her. And I guess I've made up my mine but a part of inside wants to know why she is doing this. It isn't all one sided. I believe she cares for me still. It's just a really bad situation I guess.

[joypulv]

OK, sorry... I too think she cares for you still. Maybe you need to explain to her in more detail why you were so hesitant at first. She may have built a little wall around her heart about that, even if she realizes (rationally) that it wasn't the right time for you to commit.
Again though - keep in mind that timing isn't all your timing. You need to be sensitive to what your partner is going through too. I didn't get the sense that you were, so you sounded like a spoiled kid.

[Jammin0007]

I can understand that. I explained. She got upset because she trusted me and thought I was the 'one'. She said I'm the first guy she was ever with that stopped her looking at others.

I also told her when I was in Japan that I would start learning Japanese so I can communicate with her family and that if she wants to live in Japan I would relocate once I can find a job. As she is not employed and just finished uni. Where as I work and need to start thinking about how I can support myself and a partner. I couldn't drop everything to just go to Japan and live at the time. (Impossible getting a job if u don't speak English, unless you teach English)

I always was considerate and because I didn't want to hurt her if she came all the way to live with me and changed her life I told her I needed to be sure. I could have just said yes, she comes and then if I couldn't commit I would have hurt her even more.

Meant to say if u don't speak Japanese.

[joypulv]

Not only are you both young and still at the stage of your lives where you have to juggle career paths with relationships, but you are also long distance, very long distance. It's a marvel that it got as far as it did. Good luck. I hope she isn't fresh out of uni desperate to get married instead of working. You know better than we. It does sound like she wants to keep you while she tries this other guy out for a while, or finds out how serious he is about her - ugh. If she really cared about you (as you told her) she would drop him. I would go about your life and try to forget, and if she manages to get back into your life, take it from there. You may not feel the old feelings ever again.

[Jammin0007]

Not only are you both young and still at the stage of your lives where you have to juggle career paths with relationships, but you are also long distance, very long distance. It's a marvel that it got as far as it did. Good luck. I hope she isn't fresh out of uni desperate to get married instead of working. You know better than we. It does sound like she wants to keep you while she tries this other guy out for a while, or finds out how serious he is about her - ugh. If she really cared about you (as you told her) she would drop him. I would go about your life and try to forget, and if she manages to get back into your life, take it from there. You may not feel the old feelings ever again.

Yes I agree. That's why I made up my mind about letting her go and deleting her number and all relevant past memories.

I have been so much better I must say, as previously I was the most depressed I have ever been.

I still think about her everyday. And the fact she is with someone else kills me so I had to let go. I'm just confused by her actions now. I know I shouldn't care. But I guess I still get bothered when I hear from her or she contacts me etc.

I won't contact her again. And my feelings for her are changing a bit because its not fair what she did leading me on for so long and giving me hope. It upset me that she would do that when the first time in a long time I let my feelings out. I usually keep them hidden.

I put myself out there and she took advantage, I guess she loves the attention. I'm not saying I'm perfect by far and I know I hurt her. But I was very willing to make things right and was prepared to do more than I was for anyone before. And she saw that and played on it I think.

Anyway. Now we are at the point that she constantly blocks and unblocks me and I guess it's got me thinking. And I don't want to fall in that rut again. Should I just b the bigger person and just ignore her or should I block her?

I'm confused as to what she is thinking.

[talaniman]

Like most of us, young or old affairs of the heart confuse us because we know what our heart wants but not what the heart of another is wanting. It really doesn't matter because its your understanding of your own heart AND head is about that's important.

Right now she loves romance and the attention it brings and has an abundance of it, and backing away from this intense romantic attachment for a while is the thing to do since its become a competition between you and another fellow and he is obviously enjoying every minute, and all she can get.

I would have walked away long ago before giving my heart to a stranger. Nor would I have had her "waiting" for feelings that just weren't there. I mean you just ignore the fact that you waffled as long as you thought you were the only option, and love came after you had competition. You played a game with your own mind and heart, while she upon not finding love, looked elsewhere.

She has options and wants to explore them, so let her and remove yourself as an option. Intense feelings are not necessarily love. They have yet to stand the test of time, and reality.

[Jammin0007]

Like most of us, young or old affairs of the heart confuse us because we know what our heart wants but not what the heart of another is wanting. It really doesn't matter because its your understanding of your own heart AND head is about that's important.

Right now she loves romance and the attention it brings and has an abundance of it, and backing away from this intense romantic attachment for a while is the thing to do since its become a competition between you and another fellow and he is obviously enjoying every minute, and all she can get.

I would have walked away long ago before giving my heart to a stranger. Nor would I have had her "waiting" for feelings that just weren't there. I mean you just ignore the fact that you waffled as long as you thought you were the only option, and love came after you had competition. You played a game with your own mind and heart, while she upon not finding love, looked elsewhere.

She has options and wants to explore them, so let her and remove yourself as an option. Intense feelings are not necessarily love. They have yet to stand the test of time, and reality.

I totally understand that and agree with you. That's what I'm doing now. I'm letting it all go. I think it's for the best. But just to make a point. I never asked her to wait for me. She waited out of her own free will. I was always honest with how I felt. I feel like I am to blame for all of this as I could have changed the path this all went. But I guess I was feeling like that at the time for the reason. And as much as I blame myself for it all Ive learnt that I have to just accept it.

I really hated myself for making such stupid decisions and found it hard to forgive myself. I never wanted to hurt her. And when I saw her in January the guilt I felt for hurting her was so bad. I don't play with people's feelings. That's why I don't jump in and out of relationships. But I know she was longing to be in one. And she tried everything to be with me. But at the time I just was not in the right place. I still hate the way I dealt with it. But nothing to do now I guess.

[talaniman]

No need for guilt as she made her choices and seems to have had many options, sojust move on and take the learned lesson with you.

You are hardly the first to go through such experiences and get stuck on them temporarily. We all live and learn as we go. This is but one of many more situations life will throw at you, as it has before.

[Jammin0007]

Yes I will. That's what I'm doing. Do you think it will be best for me to just block her totally. This is the only contact I guess that I have of her in my life. And she is constantly checking on me. It doesn't bother me. But it makes me think of her. So I'm guessing the best thing to so is just block her. She has done it around 5 times in two weeks. Block/unblock. And I guess it's got me thinking of her again. And I don't want that. I just feel like she is childish and don't want to drop to her level so I have just ignored it

[mbyrne230]

I can understand that. I explained. She got upset because she trusted me and thought I was the 'one'. She said I'm the first guy she was ever with that stopped her looking at others.

I also told her when I was in Japan that I would start learning Japanese so I can communicate with her family and that if she wants to live in Japan I would relocate once I can find a job. As she is not employed and just finished uni. Where as I work and need to start thinking about how I can support myself and a partner. I couldn't drop everything to just go to Japan and live at the time. (Impossible getting a job if u don't speak English, unless you teach English)

I always was considerate and because I didnt want to hurt her if she came all the way to live with me and changed her life I told her I needed to be sure. I could of just said yes, she comes and then if I couldn't commit I would have hurt her even more.

Meant to say if u don't speak Japanese.

Just wondering what happened between not being interested enough in her to commit and "come December I know I'm madly in love with her and miss her like crazy"?

How did you go from unsure to being madly in love with her? I have a reason for asking.

[Jammin0007]

Well I always used to think about her. And never did a day go by that I didn't. During this period my mother started to get better. And I had time to sort my life out a bit more and concentrate on myself. We were not in so much contact at this time. And I realised that I may love her because this is the first time in over 3 years I've felt like this towards someone. I couldn't get her out of mind. I missed her voice, the times we had, the bad things about her. I actually missed the things that annoyed me!

She met the guy in October. I knew that, even at the time I knew she was with him I wasn't able to commit. Then once I sorted myself out financially and I knew my mother was OK, I realised how willing I am to commit or relocate to be with her, it made me understand what I was feeling this whole time. Does this make sense?

[Jammin0007]

I hadn't been in a relationship for such a long time that I guess I may have had some commitment issues that clouded my judgement.

[talaniman]

Makes sense that other parts of your life were a priority at the time. Sometimes the window of opportunity for romance opens suddenly, and closes just a fast.

Timing applies to finances and health a well as romance. Timing is a reality of life to cope with.

[mbyrne230]

Well I always used to think about her. And never did a day go by that I didnt. During this period my mother started to get better. And I had time to sort my life out a bit more and concentrate on my self. We were not in so much contact at this time. And I realised that I may love her because this is the first time in over 3 years I've felt like this towards someone. I couldn't get her out of mind. I missed her voice, the times we had, the bad things about her. I actually missed the things that annoyed me!

She met the guy in October. I knew that, even at the time I knew she was with him I wasn't able to commit. Then once I sorted myself out financially and i knew my mother was ok, i realised how willing I am to commit or relocate to be with her, it made me understand what I was feeling this whole time. Does this make sense?

It does actually. I'm not an expert but I've read up on this subject and I believe that a man has to be ready to commit before he can fall in love.

I had an idea that she was playing a game with you to make you fall for her practised by some women and that is to make herself less available and commit to another guy to make the guy she wants realise what he's missing and think he's in love with her.

Also all this blocking and unblocking and coming and going etc adds drama and excitement and keeps her in the forefront of your mind and keeps you thinking about her. Just because she is entertaining albeit in a strange off putting way doesn't mean you love her.

Ask yourself, if you were in a relationship with her, without all the drama and no other guy in the picture, just doing normal day to day stuff, would that make you happy?

A mental exercise I find useful: Can you picture the two of you growing old together? What's your gut feeling when you do?