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whiteladybug2002 · Mar 21, 2007, 08:22 PM

I need some opinions on how to deal with this situation correctly. I have an idea in my head, but I need some other peoples advise!

My daughter, we will call her Jane, 5th grade, has a friend in her class, we will call her Sally.

My children go to a small private christian school, so everyone knows one another, but we are newbies here and don't know anybody.

Sally has been going to this school for awhile, unsure how long, but the faculty knows them well.

Today at school, Sally was upset because she thought her mom had paid for her to have lunch today at school, but she hadn't. Sally didn't have lunch and was crying her eyes out. One of the teachers bought her lunch and have it to Sally, but she continued to cry. Jane went to Sally trying to comfort her and told her that she had food now and there was no reason to cry. Sally told Jane that there was more to the story than just food. Sally said that her mom writes the checks, but if she messes up that dad hurts mom and tells her, he will kill her. Sally said that her dad said that if mom ever leaves him, he would track them down and kill her mom. Jane continues to comfort Sally, then Sally asked Jane to promise not to tell anyone.

Jane, my daughter, comes to me and tells me about this. I praised her for making the right choice. My daughter understands that I must tell someone and she wants her friend's family to get help.

But I am unsure who to tell exactly. I plan to tell the principal, but I am afraid she will turn it over to social services and once the family knows the school called social services on them... they will take the girl out of school and know one can help.

Or... it may come back on my girl, because they know she told.

I want to help this kid and this mom too, but I need some opinions.

CaptainForest · Mar 21, 2007, 08:31 PM

The Police and Social Services are the only legal authorities that can deal with it.

There isn't much else you can do but to report it and let the bricks fall where they do.

The Principal has a duty to report this once you tell him.

vlee · Mar 22, 2007, 06:26 AM

I agree. You need to call the police, and they can contact the appropriate groups. You have to turn this in though, because the mom is going to be too scared, and it could start happening to the little girl as well. I know you want to fix everything for this child and her mom, but the truth is, right now the best thing you can do is draw attention to what's going on. After action has been taken, call the mom and invite the daughter over for play dates. Then you'll get a chance to get to know the mom better, and maybe then you can do more to help out. She probably isn't going to feel too comfortable opening up about this for a while. (Shame, guilt,anger) She may never be rid of him if she doesn't file charges against him for assaulting her. I'll be praying for this little girl and her mom.

texxxas · Mar 29, 2007, 10:38 AM

My dad beats my mom all the time, I grew up in an abusive house and for the longest time was scared of telling anyone, it's embarressing, but I do tell people now, most don't act upon it, and though it's not their business to, I sometimes wish they would, he's my father so I don't want to be the one to turn him in, it really sucks to see my mom purple and blue and scared and crying, I say you tell the principle, you do whatever it takes to make sure sally* and her mom are safe, get involved as much as you can, you don't want your daughter seeing that you know something like that and not taking action. Be sure to get Sally's* phone number and as much info as you can, so you can follow-up with them if anything, trust me, they'll be forever grateful.

misshimso55 · Mar 29, 2007, 10:52 AM

I'm not sure whom you should contact... however, as stated by Texxxas... you have to do something, as your child will then know that it is safe to tell you and you will take action. Of course, you have to do it as it will be in the best interest of the child and her mom.
There may be an abuse hotline you can call in your area. Maybe a counselor at the school? Clergy?
Hope all works out for you. God Bless!

Fr_Chuck · Mar 29, 2007, 11:12 AM

Everyone that it is reported to, school teachers, school officials, clergy out side of confession, all have a legal duty to report it to social services, and they need to.

Of course the mom needs to do things to protect herself also, she should be calling the police, leaving and going to a shelter, something also.

But you need to tell someone

grammadidi · Mar 29, 2007, 11:37 AM

As stated by many you must tell. I would talk it over with the principal as they often know other circumstances. For instance, my adopted daughter has RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and often engages in attention getting disorder. She has claimed I didn't feed her and/or beat her several times (always with different people). A neighbour of mine went to the school principal, who was aware of the situation. He didn't go into details, but told her he did believe that the child was being cared for appropriately, however it was his obligation to report it to Children's Aid.

He then made CAS aware of the situation, explaining my daughter's condition, but suggested they come and talk to her anyhow, just to ease everyone's mind. They did, she admitted the truth, then they came to talk to me to see what the home conditions were like and what my story was, compared the two and closed the file.

I wish the neighbour had of talked to me first, but I know she did the right thing and I don't begrudge her that. In fact, this child was living in a home of violence and neglect for 4 years and nobody did the right thing. That's why she is the way she is today.

If they find your concerns are warranted they will help this woman and her little girl get out of that situation. You may be her guardian angels.

Hugs, Didi

ncgirl_21 · Mar 29, 2007, 01:33 PM

Not to change the subject but what do you do when cps don't do there job but your sure there's abuse and neglect happening

misshimso55 · Mar 29, 2007, 02:05 PM

Good question ncgirl. Does it end up putting the mother and child and even more danger?
I am a survivor of abuse and I can honestly say that had somebody stepped into investigate and nothing was done... I may have ended up dead for he would have thought that I did turned him in.
Is there anyway of talking to the mother in private? Maybe she doesn't know that she CAN get out. This is a tough situation. Also very sad.
Please keep us informed if you can.

vlee · Mar 29, 2007, 10:10 PM

It's a difficult problem to resolve, because often the victim is not willing to make a report of what has happened. The police can't do much if the victim won't admit what has gone on. She will be afraid for the same reasons as anyone who leaves a marriage, where will I go, what about the kids, money, etc... but there is also the fear that he will stop her from leaving, or find her if she does. Then what will he do to her? What will he do to the kids? It is terrifying to be in that situation. Most women in these situations have been isolated from close friends and family, and feel they've nowhere to turn. They are also scared that "misbehavior" on their part will translate into severe consequences for not only themselves, but their children. I would think a witness to any physical attack could help the state prove it's case, even without the victim's corroboration.

ncgirl_21 · Mar 31, 2007, 10:22 PM

Well I'm not trying to change the subject again but this post could be very helpful to me too because there's a situation happening in my life that I really don't know what else to do my hands are tied but it has to do with my future step children and the living conditions there mother has them living in and things my fiancée and I are being told but we can't investgate ourselves because the mother won't let us have contact with her or the kids and we don't have money for a lawyer right now

missdad · Apr 29, 2007, 02:04 AM

Being through something like that myself... only in group homes... but I can say that you need to find a way to get the 2 of them into safe custody of police or you or someone for the time being & call the police as soon as possible! Do it when he's not around or whatever. A grade 5 student shouldn't be hearing it.. if she is... what do you think she's seeing? Cause I'm sry... but it doesn't sound like just threats...

girlygirl1000 · Aug 16, 2007, 06:02 PM

Originally Posted by whiteladybug2002

I need some opinions on how to deal with this situation correctly. I have an idea in my head, but I need some other peoples advise!

My daughter, we will call her Jane, 5th grade, has a friend in her class, we will call her Sally.

My children go to a small private christian school, so everyone knows one another, but we are newbies here and don't know anybody.

Sally has been going to this school for awhile, unsure how long, but the faculty knows them well.

Today at school, Sally was upset because she thought her mom had paid for her to have lunch today at school, but she hadn't. Sally didn't have lunch and was crying her eyes out. One of the teachers bought her lunch and have it to Sally, but she continued to cry. Jane went to Sally trying to comfort her and told her that she had food now and there was no reason to cry. Sally told Jane that there was more to the story than just food. Sally said that her mom writes the checks, but if she messes up that dad hurts mom and tells her, he will kill her. Sally said that her dad said that if mom ever leaves him, he would track them down and kill her mom. Jane continues to comfort Sally, then Sally asked Jane to promise not to tell anyone.

Jane, my daughter, comes to me and tells me about this. I praised her for making the right choice. My daughter understands that I must tell someone and she wants her friend's family to get help.

But I am unsure who to tell exactly. I plan to tell the principal, but I am afraid she will turn it over to social services and once the family knows the school called social services on them.........they will take the girl out of school and know one can help.

Or.....it may come back on my girl, because they know she told.

I want to help this kid and this mom too, but I need some opinions.

Just pray and ask god you may think god won't help you but he will I have been hurt like that to but I trusted in god to help me and he did and don't let this be the center of your life think about the law of attraction if you keep thinking about something happening it just may vary well happen so try not to think about it OK I to will pray for you and your family OK bye